Confidence/Experience Issues or Asexual?

[starmouzey]

So, I'm not exactly sure where this goes... But here is some backstory (and sorry for over sharing - I'm asking this at 2am in the morning)

 

I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. I finally had sex with my boyfriend just last week during a vacation we planned - first time either or us had sex. But I didn't really find myself that into it, for most of it, I was wondering "how much longer?" (I don't hate it, nor found it disgusting or anything like that) The foreplay though was nice though, which involved like fingering and making out. 

 

But the key thing I need help figuring out is if it's just my personality getting in the way.

 

I am a very insecure person. I overthink things, second guess myself and all that fun stuff. And one of the worst ones I have is when I have to do something I'm not familiar with, which sex definitely falls under.

 

But like with the little research I've done, I realised I've never actually looked at a guy or girl (I'm not against getting together with either gender) and go "damn, I want to have some fun with that" and that its most like "damn, he/she is cute. I want to hug them (and maybe kiss them)". 

And I know there's nothing wrong with being asexual but part of me really wants to enjoy and want sex like my boyfriend does.

 

And yes I have masturbated before but I'm not very familiar with my body (have only done non-penetrative stuff) or say I know what I'm doing - dunno if I have orgasmed before(not sure if I got there or even how to get there), so this may . I'm most interested in yaoi and m/m slash as material when I do - I find myself squirming at hetero stuff esp. live porn most of the time (like 99.99%).

 

Sorry if I got a bit rambly here. But hope somebody might be able to give a little insight. 

[Star Bit]

2 hours ago, starmouzey said:

The foreplay though was nice though, which involved like fingering and making out.

Fingering isn't foreplay, it's one of the many types of sex. If you only desire to be fingered then you just desire sex in a specific way. And if you only desire making out for its sexual arousal then you again desire sex in a specific way (though in this form can be called secondary sex). Any form of partnered genital stimulation IS sex.

 

2 hours ago, starmouzey said:

But like with the little research I've done, I realised I've never actually looked at a guy or girl (I'm not against getting together with either gender) and go "damn, I want to have some fun with that" and that its most like "damn, he/she is cute. I want to hug them (and maybe kiss them)".

 

And yes I have masturbated before - dunno if I have orgasmed (not sure if I got there or even how to get there)

Most women never if rarely ever feel sexual attraction; it's primarily a male experience. Most women need sexual arousal or foreplay to trigger their desire for sex. As for orgasming, it differs by person. Some experience it one or two digits above arousal and others have it at a 10 and can even feel it throughout their body. If you suddenly have the feeling die out then it's likely you did orgasm. The length of time to get there also differs by person; form some it's a few minutes and others it can be an hour.

[arowace]

2 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Most women never if rarely ever feel sexual attraction; it's primarily a male experience. Most women need sexual arousal or foreplay to trigger their desire for sex.

I've never heard of that... In fact I have sexual friends who are girls who constantly talk about wanting to uh... y'know..... 

 

Anyway! Perhaps it's your personality or maybe it's not but you'll have to do some serious soul searching to pin it down op... You do sound asexual to me! You might be a sex positive one though. I wish I could enjoy sex too but I've never been interested in anyone in any way... so meh. I suggest you read as much as you can about asexuality and do some serious contemplation! If it makes you happy to identify as an asexual you should do it! Asexuals can enjoy sex too without attraction. I hope this helps. 

[Pramana]

7 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Most women never if rarely ever feel sexual attraction; it's primarily a male experience.

That is simply wrong. It wouldn't be logical to define asexuality as a lack of sexual attraction if women didn't experience it, but every reputable source defines asexuality in this way. Furthermore, all the women I know in real life say they experience sexual attraction. For a reference, see prominent asexuality research Lori Brotto et al on the distinctiveness of asexuality:

“[g]iven the centrality of sexual attraction as a core feature of being human…"

Lori A. Brotto, Morag A. Yule, and Boris B. Gorzalka, Asexuality: An Extreme Variant of Sexual Desire Disorder?, The Journal of Sexual Medicine (March, 2015) 12:3, pp. 646-660.

[Pramana]

To address the OP's question, if you don't find particular people attractive in a way that makes you desire sexual intimacy with them, then it may be that you don't experience sexual attraction. Many asexuals do, however, still have a libido/sexual desire and so may still be able to enjoy some of the physical aspects of sexual intimacy, but since they're not sexually attracted to specific people they don't have the same enthusiasm for seeking out partnered sex that a sexual person would typically have.

 

There's also a chance your personality could be having an influence, although that will probably require more reflection and experience to determine. I hope this is useful.

 

[Star Bit]

10 hours ago, arowace said:

I've never heard of that... In fact I have sexual friends who are girls who constantly talk about wanting to uh... y'know..... 

Like I said, a minority; that by definition is less than half. Minority and rare are two different things. If I recall correctly it's 1/3 of women who don't need foreplay or sexual arousal in order to desire sex.

[Pramana]

7 hours ago, Star Bit said:

Like I said, a minority; that by definition is less than half. Minority and rare are two different things. If I recall correctly it's 1/3 of women who don't need foreplay or sexual arousal in order to desire sex.

There's not quite how it works, since it's generally accepted that women still experience "sexual thoughts, sexual dreams, and fantasies" which express sexual attraction/desire, as is shown in the quote below. That explains why my experience, and the experience of the previous poster, is that many women talk about and express desires for sex. It is doubtful that all the women we know in real like are in the minority.

“Sensing an opportunity to be sexual, the partner’s neediness, or an awareness of one or more potential benefits or rewards that are very important to them (but not necessarily sexual), women move from a sexual neutrality to seeking stimuli necessary to ignite sexual desire. This sexual desire would be experienced as a craving for sexual sensations for their own sake, it also might involve a desire to experience physical and subjective arousal and perhaps release of sexual tension. Sexual desire then is a responsive rather than spontaneous event. The woman may at other times experience spontaneous desire in the form of sexual thoughts, sexual dreams, and fantasies, but at the time of the onset of a given partner experience, she is likely to be at “baseline.” Many women who are sexually functional and satisfied do not have the conventional markers of spontaneous sexual desire.”

See: Rosemary Basson, The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model, Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2000) 26:1, pp. 51-65.