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A Problem with Lingering Guilt


MyPartnerIsAce

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MyPartnerIsAce

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. He is asexual and I, on the other hand, am very sexual. We are in a really good place right now. I think we're both very happy with where our relationship is. He is a romantically-inclined, somewhere between sex- neutral and sex-positive ace. And I knew that coming into the relationship. But currently, I am having a little bit of a problem with guilt.

 

(This is TMI, and I apologize, but I need to get my point across) Because my boyfriend is so neutral-leaning-towards-positive, we are actually able to partake in several activities (manual and oral, mostly) that help me address my sexual needs that he enjoys because of the increased intimacy and because he says it makes him happy to make me happy. And I know that I am really lucky in that he is willing and able to do those kinds of activities. But part of me still feels guilty because while we are doing those other things, I am always thinking about or imagining penetrative sex. It's what helps me finish. But I can't help but feel guilty that while we have come to such a great and fulfilling compromise, I'm still thinking about the thing we aren't doing. I feel like I'm being greedy by still wanting that when he's been willing to compromise and give me so much else.

 

I think that some small part of it must be that because we have come really close to penetrative sex (some careful and clothed grinding even), but not penetrative sex, that the "so close, yet so far away" mentality is in play. And while I crave it and think about it, I would never ask him for it. I've told him that if he decides that boundary changes, he can tell me, but I won't push him for it. Because I don't want him to do something he's uncomfortable with just because I want to do it. Everything we've done up to this point, I know that he has been comfortable doing (they are just things he wouldn't initiate or have the desire to do on his own) and I see no need to change that. 

 

But with the want comes the guilt and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I've talked to him about it and he's told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting something that's just hardwired into my system. And while I understand that, it doesn't really help me deal with it, so he pointed me to this forum, and said I might be able to find some advice from others who are dating/in a relationship with/married to ace partners. So, here it is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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(TMI warning and nfsw and foul language) I can relate to your feeling @MyPartnerIsAce! My ace-wife and I occasionally end up having sex. Fanfuckingtastic for me and often 'just ok' for her. I appreciate what she does for/with me, but feel lousy if i try to push for more since she has already stretched and i dont know if asking her to do oral sex is pushing the limit today.

between two sexuals, the same could occur!

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I am very like your boyfriend in that I love the intimacy that being that close and loving with someone can bring, but even thinking of the penetration part turns me off in an instant.  I was in a 8 year relationship, seven of those married and my wife fully knew how far I was able to go and said that she was fine with it and had no problems what so ever.  After seven tears of marriage I found out that was not the truth.  I cant give you any advice as I don't know you or your partner, but may I suggest to try and find a couples counselor that understands about Asexuality in all its vastly differing shades :)

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Thinking/imagining/fantasizing is OK. If that's what it takes for you to finish, and your friend is partaking in activities to get you to that point, it's actually a necessity. As long as you don't turn the fantasy into an expectation, either expressed or implied, you are fair to your friend. Try to interpret your feelings of guilt as a warning to not cross that line. When you feel guilty, re-assert that you haven't crossed the line, and then put the feeling aside.

 

Easier said than done, of course. But you could give it a try anyway :-)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Cat Lady Lisa

Fantasizing is completely normal and nothing to feel guilty about. You seem like a loving and supportive partner and that is what really matters :)

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nanogretchen4

If you have a fantasy that turns you on but you know your partner isn't into it you should enjoy your fantasy with no guilt whatsoever but you should not keep talking to your partner about it. These conversations don't turn him on and may bother him, so there's nothing to be gained. Also, he is probably going to interpret repeatedly talking about your fantasy as passive aggressively begging for a type of sex he's already said he's not comfortable with, even if you try to frame the conversation as asking forgiveness. Seriously, there is no valid reason to ask forgiveness. Thinking about your fantasy does not harm him in any way, and is really none of his business, as long as you keep it to yourself. Confessing your "sin" is the only actual sin.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with what you're saying/doing. I have & use fantasies at times when we are intimate. I think you can overthink everything and worry about too much at times. I know I do! 

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Valentine18

I understand exactly what you are saying and I'm wondering if using toys would help you?  You could use it on yourself for that feeling of penetration while you're doing other things together.  Maybe he wouldn't want anything to do with it but there's a chance he'd participate.  My husband sometimes enjoys watching me with toys even though he doesn't want to have sex.  Buy it, tell him you're going to the bedroom to use it, and let him know he's welcome to watch and/or participate if he wants to join you, just please don't be disappointed if he doesn't.

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On 29/7/2017 at 2:15 AM, Valentine18 said:

I understand exactly what you are saying and I'm wondering if using toys would help you?  You could use it on yourself for that feeling of penetration while you're doing other things together.  Maybe he wouldn't want anything to do with it but there's a chance he'd participate.  My husband sometimes enjoys watching me with toys even though he doesn't want to have sex.  Buy it, tell him you're going to the bedroom to use it, and let him know he's welcome to watch and/or participate if he wants to join you, just please don't be disappointed if he doesn't.

Hi @Valentine18 

 

i like the idea of saying "i am going to have fun with this. If you want to join me, on some level, then you are very welcome." 

I could even see this as a degree of feeling that my partner takes initiative, because I am just stating that I am going to masturbate and she can say "I would like to join in!"

 

 

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As a sex averse ace, I can tell that you are trying hard to be a good partner. Try not to beat yourself up. Fantasies are just manifested desires. There is no shame in what you are feeling. Guilt is a tool but can also be a trap. Be honest with yourself, and as long as you aren't being pushy or passive aggressive, you are fine. 

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