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In need of support or advice


Kween

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Hello! 

I'm fairly new to the site I have been just reading through posts and decided it was about time that I actually talk to other people. I am sexual and have been dating an asexual for a little while. My situation is a little complicated as most are. My boyfriend in the past has told me once or twice he was asexual. I never put a thought to it at the time because we weren't together back then we were just friends. We had been hanging out with each other for months and our sexualities came up and he stated again he was asexual. I had gotten very little info from skimming google about asexuality and thought that he didn't really fit. Little did I know at the time that asexuality is a large spectrum. I told him that I didn't think he was asexual and I still face palm everyday about that. I apologized and he said he didn't care but I still beat myself up over it. Months later he and I had the "define the relationship" talk and I told him that I'd be more comfortable with labels. He was hesitant at first but then we agreed the we were more than friends. We've been together together for two months now and I am having trouble communicating with him. I have trouble with anxiety and I hate to make him upset or talk about things that kill the "good vibes". After we defined our relationship we fooled around. I loved it. He is my first relationship so I have never experienced most of the things we do together. About a month ago I gave him my virginity and it was very pleasurable. (Sorry for the TMI) I thought he liked it too. It's been around a month now and I have spent the night a few times at his place but we never do more than lay next to one another. Don't get me wrong I love to spend time with him and I love to just be next to him but I have some sexual needs. Which is what I have been reading in everyone's posts. I have a really hard time talking about tough subjects. I want to be with him and I'm just at a loss of what I should say or what I shouldn't say. Whatever advice anyone could give me would be greatly appreciated. 

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Coming from someone on the spectrum: Say what you feel. If you don't, then he can't know what you're feeling and then how can either of you talk about it? 

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Do you know what type of ace he is? (Indifferent, repulsed, positive, etc.) It doesn't sound repulsed since there was sex though.

 

However, it is important you talk to him about this. I can't give much advice but make sure you don't accidently make it sound like you're blaming him or that his asexuality is an inconvience to you. 

 

If he's not opposed to sex, maybe come sort of compromise? Some aces have sex for their partner. Maybe he just doesn't realize your needs, sex probably isn't on his mind so you might just have to tell him and see what he says. 

 

Good luck, I hope things work out!

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My thought on this type of situation is that many new/young/first relationships don't last anyway for whatever reason, and when you add sexual incompatibility issues the long-term prospects are lower still. That said, some asexual/sexual compromise relationships work, and if your partner has at least some interest in having sex (your story indicates that he may be gray-asexual, and that the two of you have been sexually active before) then perhaps you can work out an arrangement. Although I realize this may be difficult, I would suggest having a serious discussion about what kind of sex life might be reasonable given your differing interest levels. If you can't work out a comprise that has a reasonable prospect of being sustainable in the long-term, then it may be better to end the relationship.

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14 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

Do you know what type of ace he is? (Indifferent, repulsed, positive, etc.) It doesn't sound repulsed since there was sex though.

 

However, it is important you talk to him about this. I can't give much advice but make sure you don't accidently make it sound like you're blaming him or that his asexuality is an inconvience to you. 

 

If he's not opposed to sex, maybe come sort of compromise? Some aces have sex for their partner. Maybe he just doesn't realize your needs, sex probably isn't on his mind so you might just have to tell him and see what he says. 

 

Good luck, I hope things work out!

I am unsure as to what type of asexual he is. Sorry for being a nube but what is the definitions of indifferent and positive?

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14 hours ago, Pramana said:

My thought on this type of situation is that many new/young/first relationships don't last anyway for whatever reason, and when you add sexual incompatibility issues the long-term prospects are lower still. That said, some asexual/sexual compromise relationships work, and if your partner has at least some interest in having sex (your story indicates that he may be gray-asexual, and that the two of you have been sexually active before) then perhaps you can work out an arrangement. Although I realize this may be difficult, I would suggest having a serious discussion about what kind of sex life might be reasonable given your differing interest levels. If you can't work out a comprise that has a reasonable prospect of being sustainable in the long-term, then it may be better to end the relationship.

I have been reading and thinking for a while now and if what's best for both him and I is to not be together then that's what I will do. I have been thinking deeply about if this is what I want. I know it's first love and new to me but I really do love him and care about him. I want to try and I am in this for the long haul. I just am unsure of what it is i can do besides talk to him. Which is something I am planning on doing. 

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swirl_of_blue
3 minutes ago, Kween said:

I am unsure as to what type of asexual he is. Sorry for being a nube but what is the definitions of indifferent and positive?

Sex indifferent would be someone who just doesn't have any strong feelings about sex. They don't want it, but if it happens they also don't hate it. While having sex they are probably mostly bored and would rather be using their time doing something else, but still are kind of okay with doing it and not disgusted or repulsed. A sex-positive asexual would be someone who can happily live without sex and doesn't need it in a relationship, but if it happens they can usually enjoy it for some reason, for example just for the physical pleasure or for the sake of their partner's happiness. Sometimes there is discussion if sex-positive asexuals should be considered grey-asexuals instead of asexuals, but at least for now they are considered aces.

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33 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Sex indifferent would be someone who just doesn't have any strong feelings about sex. They don't want it, but if it happens they also don't hate it. While having sex they are probably mostly bored and would rather be using their time doing something else, but still are kind of okay with doing it and not disgusted or repulsed. A sex-positive asexual would be someone who can happily live without sex and doesn't need it in a relationship, but if it happens they can usually enjoy it for some reason, for example just for the physical pleasure or for the sake of their partner's happiness. Sometimes there is discussion if sex-positive asexuals should be considered grey-asexuals instead of asexuals, but at least for now they are considered aces.

Thank you! 

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Hi @Kween!  Your situation is not complicated at all.  Your new BF has stated to you many times that he is asexual.  You gave him a very treasured thing- your virginity.  But despite that, for the next month, with several overnight opportunities, he has shown no interest in you.  Perhaps you should take him at his word- that he is asexual, and make a decision here.  If you stay with him you WILL be battling his sexual disinterest forever, and it will only get worse with time.  It won't get better and he knows it, that is why he self identifies as Ace.   Are his other qualities worth giving up your sexuality at such a young age?  Nothing else matters here, none of the labels such as sex-neutral vs positive.  In the end, if you stay with him you will consign yourself to a celibate or near celibate lifestyle.

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