Is it not healthy

[Someone Else]

I hear stories of a lot of women (sexual and not) who are unhappy about attention from sexual males, especially when it's on the crude side.
That's the opposite of my world, where being noticed at all in any way by women is rare.
The weird thing is, I feel almost jealous.  I shouldn't be, I mean, it's a a bad thing right?  I have no interest in sex and crudeness is rude.  And yet... I worry I'm feeling so isolated that even crude sexual attention is starting to sound better than a void of nothing.  
Maybe I'm worrying about nothing, and over-analyzing.  Or maybe it's a problem; wanting relatively negative attention just to avoid feeling completely ignored, that's bad, right? Isn't it? 

[Philip027]

This would just be a case of the grass seeming greener on the other side of the fence.

[Kyrrenthal]

Everyone wants to be noticed and appreciated to one degree or another.

[SorryNotSorry]

16 minutes ago, Kyrrenthal said:

Everyone wants to be noticed and appreciated to one degree or another.

Perhaps, but no one wants to be noticed and appreciated for what feel like the wrong reasons.

[Puck]

It's a lot about context and the different realities of different genders.

 

Women are warned from a young age about sexual harassment and they are reminded that they are typically weaker than most males. This makes things cat-calling or crude attention in public more than just someone saying "you're attractive!" as what women might actually feel like they are hearing is "I might rape you." Add that to objectification of women's bodies, it then feels like people are saying "you aren't a person, you are only your body that I can call at like you are something I could own."

 

It's worth remembering it's mostly shady-type people who do such calling too; people one wouldn't want to talk to, people who seem very unsafe.

 

I have heard a few men say "I would appreciate the attention." That is understandable if you don't fully get what's happening; if you aren't getting that attention it might seem like something desirable. To understand the other side though, I have seen women called at by a homeless man saying "Hey! You have some amazing legs. Turn around! I know you can hear me! I just want to see the pretty face. Turn around!" That's terrifying, not a complement.

[Guest]

As Puck said, the cat calling and harassment you hear people complain about tends to be the scary kind. Guys pulling their car in front of you to block your walking path, open the door and ask you to come with them for a date (strangers, not people you know). Stuff like that. That is the wrong kind of attention. And seeking it out, would likely put you in a bad situation. 

 

But, lots of people like the safe sort of attention. It's normal to want to be appreciated. Why do you think sites about rating looks exist? People crave appreciation and acceptance. It's perfectly healthy, as long as you don't base your entire self-worth on it. Dressing up nice, going out and being noticed though? It's fine to like that.  Nothing unhealthy about it.

[swirl_of_blue]

I don't think it's wrong or weird to wish for at least some interest or attention from people. People generally like being appreciated for things, and I find it quite natural: if someone's complimenting you, it can be taken as feedback that you've done something right. I haven't gotten a single comment on my appearance in my life (I'm 26 now). I even find it hard to believe when women tell they get compliments from random people, or get catcalled or harassed in public. I've never heard of it happening to anyone I personally know, have never had it happen to myself and never seen it happen in public to anyone at all.

[Puck]

11 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I've never heard of it happening to anyone I personally know, have never had it happen to myself and never seen it happen in public to anyone at all.

Not sure where you live, but I live in an American city and it happens a lot. I have female friends who get catcalled at least once a month just walking down the street.

[Day-Z]

As a pretty woman i have LITERALLY been stalked home from the grocery store multiple time. im talking i was in sweatpants t shirt had big headphones on and guys would come up to me and talk to me till i paid attention then ask where i live, if i have a boyfriend, if i'm looking for one, what gets me hot , and worse has been said. i would be lieing if i said i didn't like attention i think everyone deserves complements and should feel pretty but there is a difference in just being nice and making someone feel good and being a sexual predator. i prefer sincere complements from friends and co-workers and even the occasional stranger than to the scary borderline rape like comments from people looking to get in my bed. 

[Tatsuya]

To me, it just sounds like you want to be noticed. Nothing wrong with that, since it seems like you've still got your head on your shoulders and didn't do the whole "being catcalled is a compliment!" thing.

[Alexsandra]

I agree that the issue is complex, but let's simplify it a bit.

 

If I'm walking to work and pass a man who looks at me, smiles, and says, "Mam, may I say you look very pretty today." That is a complement: positive and respectful attention. However, same context but the man says, " *Expletive* woman. I would love to hit that! Hey, where are you going? Hold on for a sec." That is neither a complement (and it's sad the man thinks so) nor is it positive or respectful. Multiply that by almost every day of your adult life and it is down right disheartening, depressing either. even.

 

I'm so sorry, Someone Else, that you're not getting the attention you need, but please don't crave that. It's damaging. Instead, maybe find some satisfaction for attention you get in other areas, like good work, great relationships, creative endeavors. I think 90% of women who go through this harassment would much rather get attention for those things.

[Rhaenys]

Some months ago while walking to my off campus dorm. There was an really curvy chick walking infront of me some old men across the street catcalled her about her vag and the pants she wore.

 

Trust me OP bae that's not the kind of attention you want.

[Someone Else]

I'm not suggesting that I think harassment of women is a good thing, just to be clear; it's awful.  
On dating sites like okcupid, I hear stories of sex apes just sending dick pics and "lets' fuck" to complete strangers.  Sad and stupid, it seems to me.  If it happens all the time, it'd be horrible, scary, frustrating, and overwhelming.  But ... it'd be such a novelty for me, if it happened even once, that I wouldn't hate it, a crude "let's fuck." Of course I wouldn't reciprocate, but damn... yeah, it'd be interesting that once, and I'd feel like maybe I'm not utterly repulsive.  "Let's fuck" is better than "Why the fuck is a loser like you talking to me?"  

[Puck]

2 hours ago, Someone Else said:

I'm not suggesting that I think harassment of women is a good thing, just to be clear; it's awful.  
On dating sites like okcupid, I hear stories of sex apes just sending dick pics and "lets' fuck" to complete strangers.  Sad and stupid, it seems to me.  If it happens all the time, it'd be horrible, scary, frustrating, and overwhelming.  But ... it'd be such a novelty for me, if it happened even once, that I wouldn't hate it, a crude "let's fuck." Of course I wouldn't reciprocate, but damn... yeah, it'd be interesting that once, and I'd feel like maybe I'm not utterly repulsive.  "Let's fuck" is better than "Why the fuck is a loser like you talking to me?"  

I get what you are saying, but it's hard for anyone who has faced the harassment to be supportive of that feeling because harassment is never ok. It feels like you are saying you want to fly so bad that instead of just being taken in an airplane, you want to be thrown off a cliff. It's never worth being thrown off a cliff, just focus on the plane!

 

It's totally understandable to want to have some positive attention, to know that someone sees you as attractive. Women do enjoy getting attention in public when it's polite and respectful, men do to; enjoying good attention is a gender neutral feeling. It's ok to wish for that attention. You can find ways to try to garner it; you can do that by dressing well, partaking in good hygiene, keeping healthy, and going to places where such complements might be given such as bars or using dating sites...

 

I hope you find someone that can give you the attention you want

[Someone Else]

3 hours ago, Puck said:

You can find ways to try to garner it; you can do that by dressing well, partaking in good hygiene, keeping healthy, and going to places where such complements might be given such as bars or using dating sites...

 

I hope you find someone that can give you the attention you want

I agree with you, except for that.  Those things don't work, it's interesting and curious that you think that they do.  It shows how two lives can be so completely different, I guess.  Wow, if it were that easy; and hell yes, of course, of course, of course! I have hygiene and dating sites, etc, etc! 

[Philip027]

It can be that easy, but you'd be surprised how many people can't even be bothered to do that.

[Someone Else]

I can sum up what I intended, as I think I was misunderstood in light of how badly men often treat women:  
                            "You're sexually attractive" is more appealing than "You're too ugly to hit on."  Even though I am not interested in sex.  

[Puck]

4 minutes ago, Someone Else said:

"You're sexually attractive" is more appealing than "You're too ugly to hit on."  Even though I am not interested in sex.  

I think most can agree with that. But being followed around by a car yelling crude things and being afraid for your physical well-being is not more appealing than "You're too ugly to hit on," imo. 

[Someone Else]

Definitely not what I was referring to, like I said, I was misunderstood.  

[Puck]

Just now, Someone Else said:

Definitely not what I was referring to, like I said, I was misunderstood.  

Ok, but that's the kind of stuff most women get frustrated and upset by, not just someone coming up to them and saying "you're sexually attractive." Once again, everyone enjoys good attention. It's the harassment women don't like, so basically what I'm getting now is that you want the same kind of attention most women do, yeah? Then there is nothing wrong or unhealthy about wanting it.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Someone Else said:

I can sum up what I intended, as I think I was misunderstood in light of how badly men often treat women:  
                            "You're sexually attractive" is more appealing than "You're too ugly to hit on."  Even though I am not interested in sex.  

You are male, therefore it's going to be more difficult to get, just because women tend to be less obvious about their attentions (we're taught to be subtle, not forward, from a young age). But, it's still possible and I doubt you're too ugly to hit on is anywhere near accurate. It's just, when I ask for advice on how to show interest in a guy, I would get told to smile more, laugh at his jokes more, etc. Which, a lot of people would mistake that for just being friendly. But, that's how I was taught to "hit on" a guy. I know a lot of women that are wary of being too forward, because they think it would either give them a reputation, or they'd scare the guy away. Of course, then, some will send a guy naked photos and be obvious. 

 

But, have you ever tried the sites aimed at "am I hot or not?" sort of interactions? Basically, you upload a photo and women would rate you. Or, places like Omegle and such where flirting on video is common. Perhaps if you could get some attention from strangers in a positive, safe way, it would help give you confidence? Even just going to dating chat rooms and striking up a flirtatious exchange can give you an ego boost.

[Euna]

On 7/6/2017 at 8:26 AM, swirl_of_blue said:

I even find it hard to believe when women tell they get compliments from random people, or get catcalled or harassed in public. I've never heard of it happening to anyone I personally know, have never had it happen to myself and never seen it happen in public to anyone at all.

Yeah, I think it depends where you live...  I live in a pretty safe suburb, but even that's not immune to these kinds of weirdos.

One time I was getting out of my car to go into Safeway, and as I was locking my car, I realized some random dude had pulled up quietly his sedan and was staring at me.  "Hey, you're really pretty!"  It was creepy the way he said it, plus the fact he'd been watching me.  I wasn't wearing anything remotely provocative (coat and scarf, actually).  After shopping, I was really uncomfortable walking back out.  Thankfully he wasn't there anymore.

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 06/07/2017 at 10:09 PM, Someone Else said:

I worry I'm feeling so isolated that even crude sexual attention is starting to sound better than a void of nothing.  

I am a very visual person. I have found beauty in the least obvious places, like the way a coat moves when someone walks or the curve of a upper lip in profile. I used to compliment people on what I found beautiful about them but when I hit puberty I started getting unwanted attention and harassed and my passing friendliness was more often than not misunderstood as flirting. So I stomped on the impulse to say something. I stomped hard. Now I guess my silence contributes to the void of nothingness many people feel they are in. but there are only so many offended I'm no lesbian or creepy I'll show you mine if you show me yours comments I could take before the silence seemed like a better option. 

 

Checked out your photographs by the way, I love bug macros. Especially the fly. I am always too entranced watching them fly around to take out my camera!

[Nirnroot]

It's instinct to feel flattered when someone wants you, even if you don't want to have sex with them. 

 

However, if people get that attention regularly, I think they do get sick of it. 

 

But if you only get that attention every once in a while, it makes sense to feel flattered. 

[IntellectualAsexual]

Things like that ruined my life. I couldn't go to highschool or college because of all the sex related stuff going on there.