Progression of asexuality in stable nurturing marriage

[Bill1966]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We've been married for 5 years. We have adopted 5 beautiful children and are pretty decent parents. So imagine my surprise....

So I'm a social worker and have worked in the fields of child welfare and mental health for over the entirety of my 22 year career. I was married previously, and my wife and I had a thoroughly enjoyable sex life  (I'm bisexual).  So imagine my surprise when after 7 years of regular intimate relations, all physical intimacy rapidly declined. Discussions were had. I did not want to shame my husband,  but at the same time I was developing resentments,  and introspection caused me to feel guilty for having "expectation."

I began my doctorate in 2010 and one of my interests was sexual dysfunction (go figure).  That is when I began researching asexuality. My husband and I had many long conversations about the subject,  and while I am not able to diagnose a family member, he adopted the asexual designation.

What does that mean for us?  My husband is my world so ending a relationship due to a lack of sex is not an option. The last time we had intercourse was in 2008. The last time we engaged in anything but mutual masturbation was in 2012. The last time we engaged in any intimacy beyond a hug once in a while was 2015. I miss kissing. I miss intercourse and blow jobs and just physically touching. But these are things my husband just isn't able to do.

When is enough, enough. While I have no interest in leaving my husband, likewise, the idea of never having sex again...for THE REST OF MY LIFE, is not acceptable. My husband has begrudging OK'ed me trying to meet my needs outside the relationship, but I think I would feel too guilty. So to my fellow sexuals with aromantic asexual spouses, how do you get by?

Sincerely

Wanting

[Guest]

Moved from Asexual Relationships to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Serran

Asexual Relationships Moderator

[Sally]

I'm not a sexual but have seen many posts like yours, Bill, over the years I've been on AVEN, so I'm replying.  Feel free to ignore this if you wish; I'm sure that sexuals will reply.

 

You make three statements:

1) My husband is my world so ending a relationship due to a lack of sex is not an option.

2) While I have no interest in leaving my husband, likewise, the idea of never having sex again...for THE REST OF MY LIFE, is not acceptable.

3)  My husband has begrudging OK'ed me trying to meet my needs outside the relationship, but I think I would feel too guilty.

 

Given those three obviously heart-felt statements, it sounds like you haven't left yourself any options.  You can't leave, you can't take not having sex again, and you'd feel guilty having sex outside the relationship.  Something has to give.   

 

 

[MrDane]

On 5/7/2017 at 7:02 AM, Bill1966 said:

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We've been married for 5 years. We have adopted 5 beautiful children and are pretty decent parents. So imagine my surprise....

So I'm a social worker and have worked in the fields of child welfare and mental health for over the entirety of my 22 year career. I was married previously, and my wife and I had a thoroughly enjoyable sex life  (I'm bisexual).  So imagine my surprise when after 7 years of regular intimate relations, all physical intimacy rapidly declined. Discussions were had. I did not want to shame my husband,  but at the same time I was developing resentments,  and introspection caused me to feel guilty for having "expectation."

I began my doctorate in 2010 and one of my interests was sexual dysfunction (go figure).  That is when I began researching asexuality. My husband and I had many long conversations about the subject,  and while I am not able to diagnose a family member, he adopted the asexual designation.

What does that mean for us?  My husband is my world so ending a relationship due to a lack of sex is not an option. The last time we had intercourse was in 2008. The last time we engaged in anything but mutual masturbation was in 2012. The last time we engaged in any intimacy beyond a hug once in a while was 2015. I miss kissing. I miss intercourse and blow jobs and just physically touching. But these are things my husband just isn't able to do.

When is enough, enough. While I have no interest in leaving my husband, likewise, the idea of never having sex again...for THE REST OF MY LIFE, is not acceptable. My husband has begrudging OK'ed me trying to meet my needs outside the relationship, but I think I would feel too guilty. So to my fellow sexuals with aromantic asexual spouses, how do you get by?

Sincerely

Wanting

I agree with @Sally,  but that does not help, does it!?

 

i feel like I accept to live with a mild depression by living with someone who has no and never had any sexual desire for me!

 

try to make a list of options and try to prioritize them, best together with partner if you can. (I would like to, but cant)

 

cheating is to do somerhing behind the partners back. If you both agree to let you find partnered sex outside of the marriage, then I see nothing wrong. I am also monogamistic and faithfull as a default setting, but I am also sexual! Question is how to change the situation, and make it better for both!

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

Would he be okay with some occasional being there with you while you masturbate? Or is he sex repulsed? Just wondering about compromise that he can be there for but not engage in, other than leaning against you or holding your (free) hand or similar, presuming that doesn't squick him out. 

 

My story probably doesn't apply, since I seem to be demisexual (my attraction/desire has slowly grown over 20yrs). Your husband does not sound grey/demisexual (although only he can decide that of course).

 

7yrs. Did he ever experience desire, or some curiosity? Or did he have sex during those years just for you? 

 

Is he aromantic as well? Is there any physical intimacy he's okay with but unaware you'd like more of? Even if it's not particularly sexual or romantic. The other day, my husband cleaned sports strapping tape residue off my legs, that I hadn't gotten around to doing, far too busy and exhausted (and it's winter here, so it wasn’t a huge priority). I was brushing my teeth and found him at my feet with orange oil and a cloth. He said, "I'll do it for you." It was the sweetest most caring thing ever. 😅😅😅

 

Lastly, how do you feel about porn? A mental version of seeking others without actually physically finding someone and doing that. 

[Peaches6]

I'm literally in the same boat. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, with gradual decline. I still get little kisses... But the sex is gone. I mentioned making out the other day and he was repulsed. 

I don't want to leave my husband because I love him deeply... But I need permission to meet my needs (which is something he doesn't understand).