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It's not about the sex


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My wife and I after years of tears and fights we discovered my wife is asexual. Only it's not just about sex. She has compromised with me and we have a good sexlife. It's fairly plain Jane but I'm cool with that part of the relationship. The part of our relationship I have trouble dealing with is while yes she wants me around, she doesn't really want me around. 

My wife's my best friend and I'm hers but hugs, kisses, physical affection are no where to be seen.

She's never been very confident in her looks before but I try to assure her several times daily that to me she is the world and extremely attractive. 

I won't lie I'm LDS and I've had issues with porn before but we sat down and talked it out. We've seen our bishop together and alone about the porn use and while I'll never say sometimes that porn doesn't tempt me daily with how the world is and the city I live in, I've been strong and haven't given in to temptation. 

That aside, have you ever read the horrible study scientist preformed on baby monkeys. 

Basically there are two newly born monkeys. One is raised with a plushy type monkey doll that can hugs and is warm. The other is raised with a wire frame of their mom that can't bend or anything just cold hard metal. Soon the monkeys showed what the difference between them was. The monkey with the plush doll for a mom would take their bottle and snuggle in the dolls arms, the other monkey after about a week lost interest in eating, playing, or even hugging the wire frame. 

Its a cruel thing to put anyone through, but does show how important affection is in an intimate relationship. 

I stated earlier that, hugs, kisses, even hand holding is off the table with my wife. I'm starting to identify with the monkey that had the wire doll. 

I know I sound petty but little reminders like out of nowhere touching go a long way in a relationship. 

In the past I would fight with my wife about this and of course I'd be the bad guy but for a few weeks she'd hold my hand or even kiss me. 

I try to be understanding of her feelings and who she is but I just feel it all a bit lop sided. As the sexual partner we have to bend and compromise for our asexual partner. Ok. We both compromised about sex, just sex. Though, when it comes to physical affection I have to bend to her will and it doesn't matter how I feel. 

I've asked that she just think about me and how I would like that touchy stuff and she just fires back with either she just doesn't think like that or it would be fake and you'd know cause you hate fake people. 

My question is while I'm good with her being asexual and have and will continue to accommodate her in a that matter, do I just ignore my feelings? Is my sexuality not as important as her asexuality? 

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So you're also romantically incompatible. Everyone's different and has their own preferences. What you're in depravation over is actually how you read her actions, not the actions themselves. You're not the monkey; which is a  developing child in need of  social interaction. Your wife probably expresses the same meanings for those things in different ways; you just need to start reading it that way. So you need to sit down with her and have a "X means this to me" conversation; both of you imputing. Not nececerily in a "you need to do this more often too; adding a sensual quota to the already existing sex quota", but a "maybe you can do this and I'll try reading X as meaning Y too". Is this making sense or should I give an actual example?

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catscatscats

Hey gwl99, I'm in a similar boat.

 

I am inactive LDS, and my husband and I were married two years ago. I was 16 when I first started realizing that I was asexual. Years later and after serving a mission and everything, I met my husband and immediately knew I was going to end up with him. I had never been attracted to anyone before, never dated anyone, but I knew deep down he was the one. 

 

We got married but had troubles right off the bat. For me it was a feeling of emptiness and loneliness, and not understanding why sex wasn't that great. It wasn't a performance issue, mind you, but it was a something in myself. We went to therapy for a year, and in that time we tried many different ways to connect on different sexual levels. But in the end, I had a realization that I had mistaken my romantic attraction for sexual attraction.

 

See, I love my husband to death, and I think he's mighty good-looking, but I don't have any sexual desire. It's not because of him, it's because of me. Because *I* don't understand why sex is a thing. I don't understand the function or the purpose. I don't have an emotional connection to the act, and thus my love for my husband was never shown through sex.

 

There is not really a "compromise" with an asexual person. Because it's asking them to do something that they're either not comfortable with or something that they have no interest in doing. Unless your wife specifically says "I want to do ____" to you, then it's pushing too much to ask or meet on what you think is a "middle ground." There are ways for you to be sexual and for her to watch or be involved without involving intercourse or sex. I'm totally okay with my husband masturbating and me watching because I know he needs something, but I also know I don't want to be involved most of the time.

 

As for the spiritual aspect, I wouldn't push the sex too much. The big reason I'm no longer active is because I looked for answers and help and felt betrayed. I felt like being sealed gave me nothing, and that sex wasn't a gift of any sort. My gift was my relationship with my husband. And for me, because I don't understand sex in any way, that relationship doesn't involve sex. 

 

I hope some of that can help you. I'd love to hear more from you as well.

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Thank you both star bit and catscatscats. I understand that I shouldn't push her to do stuff she doesn't want to do. I get the other sexual stuff. What I have an issue with is she doesn't even care she's asexual. She really doesn't seems to even care how she treats me at times hurts me.  She really thinks I should just get over it. She's not mean just to me I don't seem to be a very high priority. Last week SHE wanted to go out and I pointed out that she said we always rely on family (because our oldest is severely handicapped and in diapers. Only family want to change a teenagers diapers). She agreed and decided we best not go. I was cool with that. I'm kinda a home body anyway due to my own disability. Though when her friend calls she drops what she's doing and she does ask me if it cool for her to go, but she's only asking to be polite. Even if I said nope not happening or if I had made plans I'd have to drop them and she doesn't even really like this friend anyway. 

I get it times, since my disability,have flip-flopped and now she has to work and I stay with the kids. Hell, not even that she stuck with me for the time I was at the hospital and in rehab but isn't our relationship more important than some friend she doesn't even like. Before my disability we'd get a redbox or Netflix and chill. Some take out dinner and relax at home as a family. Now though, I have a hard time seeing where I rank in her life. I know with the crap we've gone through she knows, and I know, we can depend on eachother but our relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 

Like I said, when I mentioned I get it now that she was asexual, I undestand.  She tried to tell me it's a stupid buzz word and she's not a freak. I eventually explained it all so she knew i wasn't calling her a freak and she just shrugged saying why are you telling me stuff I've known for years and acted like I was blind for not seeing it till now 14 years into our marriage. 

 

I do agree with both you guys and I believe in compromise. Something funny happened today. I've always like my sister in law like a sister (only no attraction at all) and she likes me as a brother. It's just a good ol teen joke fest with her. Well i went to get a bottle of water only to find we were out of waters. No big deal. I wanted it really so I just wouldn't eat more, and it didn't bother me at all. I was sitting there and she (my sister in law) just brings over a glass of water. I never asked for it or anything. I was confused at first, and grateful. I tend to over eat  everything. I thought cool wife must be at the store she leaves sometimes without me knowing nbd) that was sure kind of her sister. (She's always been nice like that).  I look up and see my wife just talking to her mom near by oh that was nice of you sis thanks I could have gotten that. 

 

She cuddles with the kids and the dog even when they don't really want too and shows me she's doing it like she's rubbing it in my face because she almost always says it's too hot to cuddle. Even when just a few minutes before she was cuddling our dog. And our dog is German Shepard mixeith lots of fur. 

Is she just done with me but afraid of reactions of others?  She was born and rais ed in the LDS church and is from a multi generation LDS family. 

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@star bit. I do get that thank you. The sex "quota" wasn't set by me. I was cool with less to make her feel more at ease. She insisted it be more because she thought if it was less I'd get upset. I really don't get that since I was the one who suggested less to begin with and I said the more she was "in to it" the better and I kinda knew at that point she wasn't all that interested in sex. It's not really a quota more of a "most likely going to happen on these days" type of deal. It's not that sex must happen on these nights. It's more that she'll flirt with when she gets home but then go to bed early without me.  I don't get it. Complete mixed signals. If she's not feeling well I can either see that or she lets k ow she's not up to anything. Though, I better be ready come hell or high wate. Even if I'm not in the mood I better "preform" like I am. Then "stuff" doesn't work right I get embarrassed. I do take a lot of meds but I brought that up to my doctor and we fixed the med issues. 

 

Sorry guys I'm rambling, rampaging, and venting  It's more that i need to get this off my chest so I don't bottle it up and use it as ammo one day in a fight. 

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@gwl99 I think I have been in your boat. Besides asexuals there are unfortunately people with touch aversion or "different romantic preferences", as @Star Bit put it, too. Even asexuals without touch aversion behave as if they were suffering from it because unfortunately touching and making out is considered "foreplay" by a majority. 

IDK how to split your craving for touch (which I'd share) from "he wants sex" in your wife's head. - In doubt ask her. Best of luck!

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If she's not into kissing and stuff because she's just not into it, then there probably isn't too much you can do about it. You are incompatible, so you can try to compromise on it, but eventually compromise on too many things can become tiring. She has to compromise on sex and also physical touch? That'll probably become stressful. But, you could try to work out something... though it likely won't come with much emotion if she can give it to you. Which, I've kissed and cuddled someone that wasn't really into touch and it doesn't quite fulfill the need for it the same way.

 

And not being into that has nothing to do with asexuality. That's a personality trait. Many asexuals love to kiss, cuddle, hug, etc. Some sexuals don't. I've been with sexual partners who didn't really want to touch at all, outside of sex. 

 

If she's not into it because she has anxiety surrounding touch due to sex, that is something that can be worked on. I am a very touch centered person in a relationship. I have to watch myself because I go overboard wanting to touch my partner and end up annoying people. I just can't get enough of hugs, cuddling and kissing is great sometimes. BUT, when I am in a relationship where this causes a sexual person to become turned on and frustrated, I pull back and just can't be into it. Touch starts to be associated with sex and I don't want sex, so I don't want touch. 

 

I spent 10 years married to someone I couldn't touch without risking sexually frustrating him. That caused me to, for the last few years, avoid touch completely. I was worried that was going to hold over into future relationships after we split up. And, first guy I dated afterwards was a sexual (he knew from date 1 I wasn't into sexual relationships and respected it). And it was awkward and I kind of felt a little bit of it. The next person I dated and am still with, does not hold to labels, but doesn't want sex either (which, for the record, I don't do labels but I don't want sex, so we match there). And, none of it held. Knowing nothing I do will cause sex to be an issue, opened the doors back up on touch being something fun. 

 

So... if it's anxiety related touch aversion, finding a way to relax her about the sex expectations could help. Sounds like she's putting a lot of pressure on herself about the sex, so that might tough though.

 

On the mixed signals, I can relate a little. I felt like I should flirt and be sexy and do sex, but inside, I really, really didn't want to. I would go into the bathroom and just give myself a pep talk basically, trying to convince myself it wouldn't be too bad, I could do it, it would be over soon, etc before I ever tried to initiate anything. So, it can be easy to... start and it might not seem that bad, but then feel like you really don't wanna and ducking out would be so easy. Not sticking to a schedule is one of the common complaints when people try to make one as a compromise. And the expecting it then not getting it, is really hard for the sexual partner. 

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@serran. I am grateful for your insight and the insight of @ Busrider also. I know I rant a bunch though this is a pretty new revelation for. I used to think it was me and my disability. Her friends did try to warn me she's not to touchy feely before we got married but ignored them because from what I was experiencing she was far from that. 

Later, years later she drops a bomb on me that she thought she had to be that way. She thought it was expected of her. At the time I just got upset. Thinking she just settled for me because I was the first guy that showed interest. Now though, I see she was probably stressed and did really like me but felt like she needed to keep up appearances. We were both born and raised LDS, in provo Utah. In Happy valley (provo) there was a bunch of unspoken pressure put on people to look and act right. I really do feel for her, growing up not understanding why she felt the way she did. 

While I get all that, I wish  she would have been more upfront with that side of her. I love her I did than too. I wouldn't have left or broken it off. I just can't help feeling our three kids and years of marriage and years of my thinking I was just really bad at sex so that's why she doesn't enjoy it or anything, has all been a sham. If she'd been upfront it might be different. I hate feeling like I forced her into stuff. Yeah she hit me with that too. Sometimes at night we'd snuggle when it was cold I figured at the time, it would lead else were so I took it there would without her saying no but still kind of being forceful. I never knew she really didn't want to. I'm very hands off when people ask me to be. I'm also very touch centered and I learned early on it can annoy people. So when they ask me to slow down or stop I do right away. I don't get upset or frustrated it their body. I'm also annoyingly patient. (Not my assessment but from others. I'll speak up if I feel I need to but mostly I let stuff take their own sweet time.) 

I came from an emotionally abusive household. I actively and attentively tried not to be abusive in anyway. Than one day she hits with that truth bomb and I spiraled. Without even knowing I done the abusing because she thought she need to keep up apparences and make me happy. I can't seem to get through to her I'm happy, very happy. I have wonderful kids, I get along well with her parents (infact her dad is my best friend. Whom I worked with closely for our entire relationship), we live snugly but not to tight, and we both have a deep understanding or our belief system and Gospel. I'm very happy. I'm just worried I've pushed to long and too far that she'll get sick of me or lose interest.  

Shes there for me and I do my best to be there for her. She has compromised on the sex stuff but really I have Rosie palm and her five sisters if she'd rather not do stuff, but the touching, kissing, hugging, and physical fliriting is what I'd rather have. To be honest outside of our relationship I'm not to touchy feely either. I've been told I'm a bit rough and serious, though if you know me I'm far from both. It's just her. I love the feel of her I love her and every inch of her but not just the physical side of her she scary smart and a super good person to boot. 

I feel grateful every day I was blessed to have her in my life. Before her I usually got bad girls wanting to push limits which I'm very black and white with that. Though, with her it's different. I knew from the time of our first date I'd marry her. 

At church people asked if I'd gone inactive because we spent so much time together. It was just me pushing for time either. She wanted me to stay asked me to stick around. It's part of the reason I started working for her dad. 

I know it seems fast but we dated 3 mo the before I asked her to marry me and six to get married. We known eachother before we dated but we both just knew after that first date. We both felt like we'd know eachother for ever. Even now 14 years later I still feel like we just got married.  I have to look at my kids to realize how much time has gone by. 

I'm just not sure the feeling is mutual. She got a nasty habit of suddenly getting sick of stuff. She goes crazy about it for a month or even a year or two, then on day " nope, I'm sick of it." It'll be like that for awhile even a long while then it's back to excessive loving it.  

Sorry im rambling. These feelings are still new to me and I feel so alone. I don't have people to talk to. I mean I guess I could talk to her dad but yes her DAD. can we say biased. 

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Woah. It's not abuse for you to assume you had a normal, healthy sex life by having sex. She never said she didn't want it. You never knew. That isn't your fault. I pushed myself to do a lot of sexual things I never wanted to do, but it wasn't my partner's fault that they didn't know I didn't want it. I pressured myself based on societal expectations. No one can be a mind reader and know the yes or faking it means "I really don't want to, but I think I should" 

 

What you two need to decide is where to go from here. And I think talking about it and sharing some of what you have told us is the first step. :)

 

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@serran. Sorry I think I may have misstated I grew up in a abusive family. It has NOTHING  to do with her at all.   I get that I didn't know neither did she I'm just reeling because what I tried so hard not to become I became without realizing it 

 

5 hours ago, Serran said:

What you two need to decide is where to go from here. And I think talking about it and sharing some of what you have told us is the first step. :)

That's good advice. I just think I will slow down and let her come to her own. I have a short fuse but I get over it quick. 

Although, with being raised LDS with an extremely homophobic father, with how she talks too and about certain women I sometimes wonder if she is gay. How horrible to fight yourself on something so basic and automatic as attraction. Honestly if she would just honestly open up to me (even if I just became a friend) it would be better for the both of us. 

I almost wish I could just be asexual too but I'm not se lá vê. 

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1 hour ago, gwl99 said:

@serran. Sorry I think I may have misstated I grew up in a abusive family. It has NOTHING  to do with her at all.   I get that I didn't know neither did she I'm just reeling because what I tried so hard not to become I became without realizing it 

 

 

Oh, I know you weren't trying to blame her. I was just trying to assure you that, you haven't done anything abusive. You don't have to feel like you've become like your family at all. Since you had no idea what was going on, or that she didn't want to, you can't blame yourself for what happened. :cake:

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Tarfeather
17 hours ago, Serran said:

Touch starts to be associated with sex and I don't want sex, so I don't want touch.

Yeah, I suppose that's why the dynamic in my relationship with C. developed to where we're at now. It's a bit like a ritual. There's exactly one day and one time in the week when she'll be open to sex. Outside of that, it'll always be a "no" (I do sometimes ask, and she always says no, and that's fine for both of us). So apart from that one time in the week, she knows that touch won't lead to anything "more". And if on that day she says she isn't up for it, it also won't. So we get to enjoy touch without issue, which is really important to both of us.

 

Heck, after what I've learned these past years, if somehow I ever end up in a relationship with a sexual, I'll probably never even try to initiate sex without explicitly asking first. There's just no reason not to, IMO, and it makes it so much easier to be on the same page. Maybe it's not so "romantic", but who cares about that when compared to things like respect, open communication, etc.?

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@ Serran Im so sorry. I read that first statement completely wrong. 

8 hours ago, Serran said:

Oh, I know you weren't trying to blame her. I was just trying to assure you that, you haven't done anything abusive. You don't have to feel like you've become like your family at all. Since you had no idea what was going on, or that she didn't want to, you can't blame yourself for what happened. :cake:

 

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catscatscats
20 hours ago, Serran said:

Woah. It's not abuse for you to assume you had a normal, healthy sex life by having sex. She never said she didn't want it. You never knew. That isn't your fault. I pushed myself to do a lot of sexual things I never wanted to do, but it wasn't my partner's fault that they didn't know I didn't want it. I pressured myself based on societal expectations. No one can be a mind reader and know the yes or faking it means "I really don't want to, but I think I should" 

 

What you two need to decide is where to go from here. And I think talking about it and sharing some of what you have told us is the first step. :)

 

I spent the last two years of my life/first two years of marriage doing this to myself. I tried over and over to convince myself that sex would be worthwhile eventually, and that I just needed to "keep trying" and maybe my anxieties would stop. They actually got worse and worse, and after some time I started having sexual aversion to anything that had to to with my own body. I could touch my husband's body sexually because I knew he liked it, and I had no problems with that, but once any focus got put on me, it was me trying to stave off a panic attack. And it only got worse. Things only got better when I told him that my emotional needs weren't sexual in nature like his. I felt more fulfilled talking at night, going on hikes with him, and cooking dinner together. 

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1 minute ago, catscatscats said:

I spent the last two years of my life/first two years of marriage doing this to myself. I tried over and over to convince myself that sex would be worthwhile eventually, and that I just needed to "keep trying" and maybe my anxieties would stop. They actually got worse and worse, and after some time I started having sexual aversion to anything that had to to with my own body. I could touch my husband's body sexually because I knew he liked it, and I had no problems with that, but once any focus got put on me, it was me trying to stave off a panic attack. And it only got worse. Things only got better when I told him that my emotional needs weren't sexual in nature like his. I felt more fulfilled talking at night, going on hikes with him, and cooking dinner together. 

not sure about the hikes since i cant walk well but this makes me feel a lot better.  I do wish it was only 2 years not 14 of marriage. I'm just unsure of, other then just being there for her, how talk to her about it and if she even cares. I'm pretty sure on some level she does care, though. I just dont know hoe to get to to talk about her thought and feelings. maybe because she was raised in a very conservative family? i mean its quite obvious her parents are asexual (or i'd bet at least her mom) and her sister has told her she is that way but didint use the term asexual. so i dont get it could i be subconsciously pushing her to stay quite?

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catscatscats

@gwl99, I get the societal pressure. I'm from the Provo area myself (born & raised), so I get what you're saying. It's hard. It sucks. It also is extremely hard to go to a Church that I've dedicated my life and time to only to hear that my main purpose as a woman is to have kids and be a mother. When I was 9 years old I knew I wasn't going to be a mom, but it was because I didn't feel right in my body. I wasn't a man, but I was also not a woman. And there really was no modern revelation, scripture, talks, etc. that help with the issue.

 

And there is even less help when it comes to "abnormal" sexual orientations. I have searched and prayed and gone to the temple looking for help to understand how to grow our relationship even though I'm asexual and my husband is not. Believe me, there was nothing that helped. I was so alone and just wanted anyone to relate to. In the end, I stopped going to Church because I felt like there was so much pressure everywhere to "be a good woman (aka mom)" and I felt lied to about any supposed "power of intimacy."

 

I love my husband. But I don't have a relationship with sex. I don't understand it. It doesn't appeal to me. It confuses me. His relationship to sex is different than mine. It's a third party in our relationship that we view differently. So I've been trying to find ways that we can both have healthy relationships with this other party (sex), even though they're going to be vastly different.

 

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catscatscats
1 minute ago, gwl99 said:

not sure about the hikes since i cant walk well but this makes me feel a lot better.  I do wish it was only 2 years not 14 of marriage. I'm just unsure of, other then just being there for her, how talk to her about it and if she even cares. I'm pretty sure on some level she does care, though. I just dont know hoe to get to to talk about her thought and feelings. maybe because she was raised in a very conservative family? i mean its quite obvious her parents are asexual (or i'd bet at least her mom) and her sister has told her she is that way but didint use the term asexual. so i dont get it could i be subconsciously pushing her to stay quite?

Honestly, I have had the hardest time opening up and talking to my husband. I still have to pep talk myself into being willing to talk. The reason for me isn't that I don't want to talk to him, it's because I don't want to admit anything to myself. If I say it out loud, it makes it more real. We spent a year in therapy learning how to communicate our problems.

 

I'm not sure if your wife has a hard time because she's conservative, because my family is very liberal but we don't really ever discuss our feelings. I never learned how to talk to people about personal struggles growing up, and neither did my husband. I wouldn't say political/world views was the main factor in how much someone is willing to accept something all the time.

 

All you have to do is show y at you're willing to listen. My husband has stayed up waiting for me to start  talking sometimes an hour, and it shows me that he wants to help. So what if it's midnight at he works at 5:00 am? He cares more about me than sleep. And I try to do the same sort of things for him 

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@catscastcast "because I don't want to admit anything to myself. If I say it out loud, it makes it more real."

 

i like that. It sure is extremely helpful that you realize our situation. 

I do really wonder if she's afraid to admit this and make it real. Also we were both bullied due out o weight and she might think I'll think less of her which I won't. 

Like I said I may be realing from the revelation but that's just because it's recently named. Honestly, knowing all this sure make it a TON easier to deal with. 

It sure helps to here your story. Thank you for sharing. 

 

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2 hours ago, catscatscats said:

@gwl99, I get the societal pressure. I'm from the Provo area myself (born & raised), so I get what you're saying. It's hard. It sucks. It also is extremely hard to go to a Church that I've dedicated my life and time to only to hear that my main purpose as a woman is to have kids and be a mother. When I was 9 years old I knew I wasn't going to be a mom, but it was because I didn't feel right in my body. I wasn't a man, but I was also not a woman. And there really was no modern revelation, scripture, talks, etc. that help with the issue.

 

And there is even less help when it comes to "abnormal" sexual orientations. I have searched and prayed and gone to the temple looking for help to understand how to grow our relationship even though I'm asexual and my husband is not. Believe me, there was nothing that helped. I was so alone and just wanted anyone to relate to. In the end, I stopped going to Church because I felt like there was so much pressure everywhere to "be a good woman (aka mom)" and I felt lied to about any supposed "power of intimacy."

 

I love my husband. But I don't have a relationship with sex. I don't understand it. It doesn't appeal to me. It confuses me. His relationship to sex is different than mine. It's a third party in our relationship that we view differently. So I've been trying to find ways that we can both have healthy relationships with this other party (sex), even though they're going to be vastly different.

 

That makes me very disappointed in some of the people at church. That's an issue I deal with but I'm usually a bit blunt. There is so much tradition taken as gospel. 

I wish there was a show like ADAM RUINS EVERYTHING on the BYU channel about the church. 😂 

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13 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

Heck, after what I've learned these past years, if somehow I ever end up in a relationship with a sexual, I'll probably never even try to initiate sex without explicitly asking first. There's just no reason not to, IMO, and it makes it so much easier to be on the same page. Maybe it's not so "romantic", but who cares about that when compared to things like respect, open communication, etc.?

@Tarfeather . This gives me hope for the future. 

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