New to this,I feel bad for past actions

[Lianne83]

Hello

I may be in a relationship with an asexual partner. We have been together five years and really love each other. Sex has always been in issue. Until I read an article recently about asexuality, which made me consider that my partner may be. Really, it would answer so many questions we both have. He has always had a low sex drive,no desire or as he puts it, he just doesn't feel the need. I on the other hand have a high sex drive, and thought it was an issue with how he saw me, my weight, my higher sex drive pushing him away. I even thought he was cheating on me, felt repulsed by me, thought that he thought I was a slut for having children young. We argued, heated arguements, with really awful things said. I must have put immense pressure on him! I regret ALL of those thoughts and actions, I wish I could turn back the clock and take it all back, with the understanding and knowledge I have now. I trust whole heartedly that he loves me deeply, I can accept a sexless relationship for ever. I cannot live a life without him in it.  

My question is, does anyone else have a similar situation and any advise for us, for me?

[Guest]

I can understand why you feel bad, but you really shouldn't.

 

You both didn't say the things you did out of malice or hate...you just misunderstood the situation. Maybe you said things because you didn't understand his feelings and maybe he said things because he was feeling attacked. I'm sure neither of you wanted to hurt the other. It's all in the past now.

 

Don't worry about turning the clock back...just focus on the present and the future. You have a better understanding of the situation now, so I'm sure everything will be great for you both. 

[Hattr]

I happen to be on the other side of that fence.  Me and my fiancee have been together for 5 years as well and really love each other.  I understand and validate your concerns as I have hers. And since you both have reacted roughly the same I imagine it is a pretty common set of reactions.  I have come out recently as asexual to her and she has been very supportive of me but on the flip-side she is have difficulty processing the whole thing and I totally understand it.  Its easier to come to the conclusion there is something wrong with you or your partner is cheating versus that they are actually asexual especially if you have a high sex drive.  I cannot speak for your partner but I have told my fiancee since sex isn't something I enjoy/want that I won't deny her sexual side and if she finds a gal or a guy that she finds attractive then I am ok with it as long as she is safe and doesn't put herself into a dangerous situation.  I am still very much protective of her and want her to be happy but right now she has depression relating to our recent conversations about me being asexual and agender/non-binary and wanting my male parts removed to which then I will physically be unable to have sex with her, but I do not want to deny her sexual side.  I am sure he still loves you deeply but what I highly reccommend to keep things on the right track is to be open and don't be afraid to voice your concerns/issues that you have even if they seem silly or selfish, you both need to understand where the other is coming from and what the other wants to be able to not drift apart, even in a straight relationship communication is key.  

[TheCatBehind]

Hey @Lianne83!

 

Like Kyon. said, don't focus on the past and what has been said. Now you know better and you can focus on what you are going to say.

 

I think it would be beneficial to communicate how you now understand his lack of need for sex, and I think it would be good to share your insecurities.

For many aces the way sex influences the inner self does not go much beyond "I never felt like I want it, then I must be broken." So the fact that he was uninterested in having sex with you caused these fears will probably shock him.

 

Like in any relationship, communication is key.

 

Hope you two will work things out!

[Lianne83]

Thank you to all responsders.I have been feeling really alone in this. I never knew about asexuality correctly until recently. 

Hattr, I could never have sex with someone else, I know it would be just sex, as I have had relations like that in the past, as a single woman. But never in a relationship, I would not enjoy that at all. I do enjoy self pleasure and will be exploring that side of things, perhaps suggest that to your partner. Also, we have been doing other things together, which has deepened our relationship. I never used understand or believe that a relationship could be just as fulfilling with less sex.