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Living with an (I think) asexual husband


avenvalarie

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avenvalarie

Hi to everyone reading,

I really did not know where to put this and whom to share it, but I know people here will not judge.

 

So to begin with, we are married for 1 year 2 months. I am from India. We had an arranged marriage. The concept of arranged marriage has changed over the years. We date for some months before deciding to settle down with each other. We did the same for about 7 months and then got married. I had never been in a relationship as such. I was academically inclined, completed my masters from a reputed university abroad and started my own firm too! So was consumed in that. Same went with my husband. But he is sort of an extrovert. He likes to meet friends, make new friends and thats all. Apparently he too did not have any relationships earlier. 

In our dating period, we did not get very physical, just a bit of consented kissing and hugging and frankly, I was ok with it.

 

So, after we got married, it so happened that many many days passed just like that- marriage, honeymoon, work, family visiting etc. Too many things to think about sex. But sometimes I did feel like having sex and my husband did not. He just never reacted to my expression of wanting to have sex. This went on for a bit. Then I started getting worried. I wondered whether he is gay! He had his best unmarried friend, who stays in another country, and I always felt that there would have been history there. But all this was just random thinking. I ruled out the fact that he is homosexual because i know and i can still feel he is attracted towards me. But since he does not react or respond to me feeling like having sex, or he responds with a 'meh', I get super irritated with him. And so irritated that I blast him for it. But he takes it easy and then hugs me and I feel pathetic about how I behaved. amidst All this I felt he could be asexual. I infact even asked him, with a lot of courage, and he laughed it off saying 'everything is ok, just give it some time'. In between all this, we even tried to have it. But it ended with foreplay, and thats when he said ' are you happy now?' 

He likes to hug me, but measured, we do crazy things together. We love each others company. But just this. 

 

Oh and yes, about having kids. He does not want one. Initially he was ok with the idea. And I have not even started thinking about having children together, but I would love to :) 

 

My only concern and worry is how do I behave when I feel like having sex? Should I take it further to him, or should I let him take the 'first move'. Its very confusing! 

 

And I will definitely not be leaving him/ divorcing him,  because I know I love him, I know somewhere he too loves me- not because he has told me, not because he shows it through PDA, not because he buys flowers (he never has), but because he shows it through many other things. I just want to know and learn to deal with this positively. 

 

I hope this is not a lot of content.. sorry for the rant! :) 

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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I know how you feel. I love my boyfriend in a way I've never loved another. So, definitely not going anywhere. 

 But, its very frustrating and very difficult to deal with him being asexual. He uses the same line "give it time." He doesn't classify himself as nonsexual, but its so obvious he is. We've been together 2 1/2 years. We get along great. He's very good to me and very affectionate. 

  He's absolutely wonderful...except that he has no concept of sexual desire what so ever. I've even told him that I could deal with the no sex thing if I had to, but I just wanted to feel desired at least. Totally foreign idea to him. 

  As far as how to act when you want sex, that's been a very difficult struggle for me. I've gone through blatantly showing my interest, which left me feeling rejected and completely unattractive. To hiding my sexual desires, which left me feeling frustrated and alone. To trying to block my own desire, which made me feel kinda empty...like a part of me was missing. I am trying a new tact of dealing, which is to acknowledge what I'm feeling to myself. I neither show nor hide my sexual interest and I'm honest with him about it. Which talking to him about it can be beyond frustrating, bc he just doesn't get it. 

  Problem is I don't think there's a right way...just a lot of wrong ones. It is really hurtful to me, even though I know its not something he can help. I get angry sometimes, though I don't share it with him. It seems unfair to go the rest of my life in abstinence. Yet, its no more fair to him to be expected to do something he's not interested in. 

  I use to think there was a solution to any problem. Sometimes in life there is no solution. No matter what someone has to be ..shall we say uncomfortable. No means no. That's a crucial right everyone has to their own body. That right takes precedence over my own needs and desires. I had to come to accept that. 

  It really comes down to, you decide you're willing to make that sacrifice to be with the man you love or you aren't. If you choose to stay, as I have, you just have to come up with your own coping methods and make whatever peace you can with it.

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  Most people would say to leave him. Its the natural idea that incompatibility in any area, especially such an intimate one, is doomed to failure. In at least 95% of cases, that's probably correct. For a while, I thought that this was an impossible journey for me. Its definitely a hard one.

 It took a lot of self exploration and a lot of challenging my own views about intimate relationships and really looking at its importance level for me.

  The idea of never having sex again was quite an overload and at first, I really did think it was insurmountable. 

  But, I had to decide what was more important, love or sex. And I had to seperate the two. For me personally, I realized that a nonsexual relationship with him was more preferable to a sexual relationship with another man.

  I'm not saying its easy, only that to me at least, its worth it. I had to make a decision. All the things he does that warmth and comfort he gives, and how much we enjoy eachothers company is so much more dear to me than any amount of sex or love making could be. 

  I've experienced both. I've been married and divorced twice to very sexual men. The sexual relationships of the past can't compare to everything I feel when he comes home and takes me into his arms and just holds me and kisses me. Or to those late nights, when I lay in his arms and we just talk. Even times we don't touch at all, but just enjoy being together.

 I had to realize intimacy has many forms. Sex is only one of them. Even though our relationship is nonsexual, tne depth of our intimacy is so much deeper and more fulfilling than any other relationships I've ever been in. 

 I'm always going to miss sex. And there's a part of me that's sad that we'll never experience that together. But, sexual intimacy isn't worth leaving the emotional intimacy that we share.

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