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globetrotter85

Being an older virgin

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RhuinHruda
6 hours ago, will123 said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I was 19 when i 'did it' the first time, probably late, but oh well. I'm probably too comfortable with the subject as I got pretty in depth in a thread I started just after I joined AVEN earlier this year. I guess I had to express my feelings about something you wouldn't dare talk about to the next person on the train. If anyone wants to discuss this privately, by all means send me a message.

 

I have no problem going to the movies solo. Mind you I haven't been to a lot recently as since I live out of town it's a bit inconvenient. Plus a lot don't interest me. I do enjoy TCM immensely!

It was about the same for me. Mostly because I was raised in a very religious household and sex and self-gratification were simply not discussed. Certainly there was no education on the matter. I started researching the subject when I went off to college and just slowly gained experience. 

 

Possible TMI warning:

Spoiler

While I was aware of  touching myself being soothing and desiring more in a physical sense (in 2003-ish, and from a narrow background, "asexual" simply did not exist as a concept for human beings), when I had my first orgasm, I didn't even realize immediately what it was. Lol, I thought girls were just, you know, done when they were ready to stop. Being female, without information, there's more of a learning curve in understanding what's happening, IMO. Before that, and far more afterward, I was still the person other people came for sex and relationship advice. It's extremely ironic, as I've ever had either. But I'm impossible to embarrass on the subject, and made the effort to learn, so even compared to people who'd always had relationships and were "experienced" in sex, it was often I knew more than they did.

 

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will123
3 hours ago, RhuinHruda said:

It was about the same for me. Mostly because I was raised in a very religious household and sex and self-gratification were simply not discussed. Certainly there was no education on the matter. I started researching the subject when I went off to college and just slowly gained experience. 

 

Possible TMI warning:

  Reveal hidden contents

While I was aware of  touching myself being soothing and desiring more in a physical sense (in 2003-ish, and from a narrow background, "asexual" simply did not exist as a concept for human beings), when I had my first orgasm, I didn't even realize immediately what it was. Lol, I thought girls were just, you know, done when they were ready to stop. Being female, without information, there's more of a learning curve in understanding what's happening, IMO. Before that, and far more afterward, I was still the person other people came for sex and relationship advice. It's extremely ironic, as I've ever had either. But I'm impossible to embarrass on the subject, and made the effort to learn, so even compared to people who'd always had relationships and were "experienced" in sex, it was often I knew more than they did.

 

@RhuinHruda your home life sounds like mine as well without the religion.

You sound very positive when talking about pleasuring yourself. Sounds like me on AVEN. In a way I feel sad when I read a post and the person doesnt masturbate or it does very little for them.



I guess that may be similar to how a sexual person feels when told a person is asexual and has no interest in sex.

 

Ive been asked for relationship advice in the past, not that I had much to offer.

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Philip027

There's no reason to feel sorry for us.  Some things just aren't our cup of tea.  I'm sure you've got something in your life you enjoy that others don't.  There isn't anything in the world that everyone enjoys.

 

I don't consider it a shame for someone to not enjoy video games like I do, for instance.

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RhuinHruda
23 minutes ago, will123 said:

@RhuinHruda your home life sounds like mine as well without the religion.

 

  Hide contents

You sound very positive when talking about pleasuring yourself. Sounds like me on AVEN. In a way I feel sad when I read a post and the person doesnt masturbate or it does very little for them.

 


I guess that may be similar to how a sexual person feels when told a person is asexual and has no interest in sex.

 

 

 

Ive been asked for relationship advice in the past, not that I had much to offer.

Sure, it's an experience they may not have, but that doesn't mean they're missing out. It's sort of like craving a chocolate bar. If you want one, you're going to feel a sense of satisfaction when you have one. But if you don't actually want one, you may not enjoy eating one. But you can still get the basic sense of satisfaction from other things. It's not about the chocolate but rather the fulfillment of the craving. At least, that's how I look at it.

 

I'm fortunate that I get enjoyment out of something I have a biological drive for. Not everyone who has that drive gets enjoyment. Honestly though, if I never had the urge again, I wouldn't miss it.

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Icelandic WinterDragon
On Friday, June 30, 2017 at 11:52 PM, cijay said:

volcano explored

Hmmmm...... have you been to Yellowstone? 

 

 

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Icelandic WinterDragon

I'm in my late 20s and still virgin. I've never desired to try sex and never want it. I'm not amused or interested in joining conversations about sex either since there's so much of it where I'm at while I'm locationed in Yellowstone. There was a male that was so desperate he still harasses me even though a girl had enough sympathy she became his girlfriend. I have a few friends here who know that I'm asexual. I have no desire to have sex with anyone here or anywhere else.  I'm not ashamed of being asexual, I'm friends with a lesbian and she knows I'm homoromantic but I might not be since I've got a squish on the chef here, many notice I shadow his movements. The way he walks,talks and facial expressions. Others comment that I blush when he comes near.

 I'll most likely remain virgin and I will enjoy every minute of it.

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The Drafting Ninja
14 hours ago, Willgracefan said:

I HATE when I hear people IRL or on TV mention in horror how old they were when they or someone else lost their virginity. "Sarah was 22 when she lost her virginity, can you believe it?" 

Drives me insane its like the opposite of slut shaming 

I hate the double standard.  Wish they would just pick one and go with it.:mad:

 

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cijay
On ‎31‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 5:14 AM, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said:

Hmmmm...... have you been to Yellowstone? 

 

 

Yes but it was 1979 and what I did wouldn't constitute as 'volcano exploring'. 

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will123
On 8/31/2017 at 3:23 AM, RhuinHruda said:

It was about the same for me. Mostly because I was raised in a very religious household and sex and self-gratification were simply not discussed. Certainly there was no education on the matter. I started researching the subject when I went off to college and just slowly gained experience. 

 

Possible TMI warning:

  Reveal hidden contents

While I was aware of  touching myself being soothing and desiring more in a physical sense (in 2003-ish, and from a narrow background, "asexual" simply did not exist as a concept for human beings), when I had my first orgasm, I didn't even realize immediately what it was. Lol, I thought girls were just, you know, done when they were ready to stop. Being female, without information, there's more of a learning curve in understanding what's happening, IMO. Before that, and far more afterward, I was still the person other people came for sex and relationship advice. It's extremely ironic, as I've ever had either. But I'm impossible to embarrass on the subject, and made the effort to learn, so even compared to people who'd always had relationships and were "experienced" in sex, it was often I knew more than they did.

 

In a day or two I'll expand on what I'm posted here:

I was more or less on my own to find out how to do it.

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Fifi123

I'm 37 and still a virgin. I have been in one relationship, and you have no idea (though probably you do) how glad I was that I never went all the way with him.
It's very likely that I will die a virgin. Since I am aware of the fact that there are more people like me out there, I am very okay with that. I really couldn't care less to be honest.

I never really cared about it, unless someone brought it up somehow somewhere. Then I would start to feel weird and I made myself look through dating websites and what not, just to be able to fit in with the "world". Nowadays it doesn't bother me much anymore. I am 99% okay with how I roll, and I don't let others get into my head as much anymore.

I live my life the way I want to live it. I have no desire to find out what sexual intercourse is like, unless maaaaaybe it is with the right person. But somehow I don't think the right person exists, except maybe in my fantasy world. I'm just not into all that dating stuff anyway. I'm never looking. I might run into someone or I might not. It's all good.

Edited by Fifi123
saw a typo

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will123
1 hour ago, Fifi123 said:

I'm 37 and still a virgin. I have been in one relationship, and you have no idea (though probably you do) how glad I was that I never went all the way with him.
It's very like that I will die a virgin. Since I am aware of the fact that there are more people like me out there, I am very okay with that. I really couldn't care less to be honest.

I never really cared about it, unless someone brought it up somehow somewhere. Then I would start to feel weird and I made myself look through dating websites and what not, just to be able to fit in with the "world". Nowadays it doesn't bother me much anymore. I am 99% okay with how I roll, and I don't let others get into my head as much anymore.

I live my life the way I want to live it. I have no desire to find out what sexual intercourse is like, unless maaaaaybe it is with the right person. But somehow I don't think the right person exists, except maybe in my fantasy world. I'm just not into all that dating stuff anyway. I'm never looking. I might run into someone or I might not. It's all good.

Fifi, you just copied what I posted LOL. Seriously how you feel is pretty much how I've felt since I discovered AVEN several years ago. Hope you've found the site helpful.

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MisterSpencer

I never had any sexual activity with a woman until I was 37 years old. And that was just a kiss and fumbling naked in bed. I never actually had sexual intercourse. I simply didn't have the urge.

 

Why was I in bed with a woman? Well, err, I was 37 and sort of thought I'd try it out, just to see if I had been missing out on anything. I hadn't. It was sweaty and smelly and not for me. I had other sexual encounters about 3 years ago. Two in fact. One fully clothed and one naked in bed. The woman I was naked in bed with got so annoyed by my lack of interest she told me to get out of her house at 2am. I did, willingly. 

 

Why was I in bed with her? Well I met her at work. I got drunk one night at the work's Christmas party, and she said I could sleep at her place, as I was closer to her place than mine. We ended up in bed. It was awful and I never want to repeat it again. So officially at 62 years old I am still a virgin.

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horacevelmont

31 and virgin here as well. Barring one close high school friend who is also a virgin -and most likely asexual- none of my other friends know it. Of course, they all have noticed that they've never seen me 'with a girlfriend', but - since I moved abroad it's easier to sell BS stories- I just claim that I'm 'romantically linked' to  some girls for short spells and at irregular intervals but they all fail to capture my interest for long. I have also informed them that I am extremely squeamish and have crazy trust issues so it's exceptionally rare that I meet a girl that I trust enough to have sex with her. You might argue that that also sounds 'f'ed up' and that it defies the purpose of 'making me appear normal' but I'm trying to profile myself as a guy who's 'sexually active'  but  also extremely eclectic

Things of course are much tougher with my parents who are conservative and especially with my father who is getting increasingly uncomfortable with my 'never having had a girlfriend'. The other day he outright scolded me for being 'completely irresponsible and doing nothing to "fix my problem"' and unless I do something ASAP I'll 'end up alone'.

At that point, it momentarily crossed my mind how practical it would be to have a girl that I can present to my parents as my girlfriend just to relieve some of the pressure - alas that would be too much akin to a typical sitcom plot...

 

 

 

 

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Muledeer
5 hours ago, horacevelmont said:

31 and virgin here as well. Barring one close high school friend who is also a virgin -and most likely asexual- none of my other friends know it. Of course, they all have noticed that they've never seen me 'with a girlfriend', but - since I moved abroad it's easier to sell BS stories- I just claim that I'm 'romantically linked' to  some girls for short spells and at irregular intervals but they all fail to capture my interest for long. I have also informed them that I am extremely squeamish and have crazy trust issues so it's exceptionally rare that I meet a girl that I trust enough to have sex with her. You might argue that that also sounds 'f'ed up' and that it defies the purpose of 'making me appear normal' but I'm trying to profile myself as a guy who's 'sexually active'  but  also extremely eclectic

Things of course are much tougher with my parents who are conservative and especially with my father who is getting increasingly uncomfortable with my 'never having had a girlfriend'. The other day he outright scolded me for being 'completely irresponsible and doing nothing to "fix my problem"' and unless I do something ASAP I'll 'end up alone'.

At that point, it momentarily crossed my mind how practical it would be to have a girl that I can present to my parents as my girlfriend just to relieve some of the pressure - alas that would be too much akin to a typical sitcom plot...

 

 

 

 

First off, Welcome to AVEN!

I used to bullshit my way through society too, trying to come across as a normal sexual to my friends and family and coworkers.  It isn't hard, because almost everybody makes sexual or relationship assumptions.  But after joining AVEN and hanging out around here for the last two years, I just don't feel the need to bullshit anybody anymore.  I also don't feel the need to discuss my asexuality with most people, but it the subject comes up, and sometimes it does with new friends, I am not ashamed to express my orientation to them.   Maybe that's also a function of age - I'm 54 and I have had sexual relationships.   Not keeping my asexual orientation a secret anymore has been very liberating for me. 

 

At some point, I suspect you will want (need?) to "come out" to your parents, especially if they keep making you feel inferior because of your lack of relationship experience.   

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horacevelmont

@Muledeer 

Thank you for your warm welcome. Just plainly 'coming out', while in the long term the sanest strategy is a bit more complicated in my case. If everything else in my life had been normal (studies, jobs, mood, health) and the sole issue would be 'women/relationships' then it would be easier to say 'yeah, it's 2017, I'm asexual, deal with it'.

 

The problem is that I am suffering from a crippling chronic depression/social anxiety/numerous phobias which have all but destroyed my studies and career options and are steadfastly leading me towards a hefty midlife crisis.

This makes labelling myself extremely hard. Am I truly asexual or did chronic depression just kill my libido and my hypochondria makes sex appear too scary, even if *in principle* I would be interested in having it? Heck, every now and then I begin to fantasize about starting to have sex with some girl that I find attractive, only to shudder at the thought of immediately contracting an STI and/or getting her pregnant despite all my efforts of preventing that from happening.

 

 

In any case, the way things are now, the people in my social environment know that I have largely failed in studies and at work. If it also gets out I'm a virgin with a crippling fear of sex, at my age, it's going to be something like 'the ultimate trifecta of loser-ness'. Again, I am referring to how *society* perceives people in my situation, not how *I* perceive them.

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will123

Welcome to AVEN @horacevelmont

 

Your earlier post reminded me of this TV ad:

 

A shorter more to the point ad is what I had seen on TV.

 

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BlueTuesday
On 9/24/2017 at 10:08 PM, horacevelmont said:

At that point, it momentarily crossed my mind how practical it would be to have a girl that I can present to my parents as my girlfriend just to relieve some of the pressure - alas that would be too much akin to a typical sitcom plot...

Maybe one day you will, but the twist will be.. she's actually an aromantic asexual, so not at all the kind of girlfriend they have in mind? ;)

Your experience sounds a lot like mine, tbh!   I certainly understand what you mean about the "ultimate trifecta of loser-ness".  Society has a stupid way of judging achievement if you ask me.

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seneca

I'm the old man here at 53. Virgin, never dated, barely been kissed.  Really it doesn't bother me most of the time. Sometimes though, I see parents out enjoying time with their kids, and I feel a little pang of regret or maybe jealousy. 

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newgirl
1 hour ago, seneca said:

I'm the old man here at 53. Virgin, never dated, barely been kissed.  Really it doesn't bother me most of the time. Sometimes though, I see parents out enjoying time with their kids, and I feel a little pang of regret or maybe jealousy. 

Don't forget there is an Older ace virgin  over 40 thread :

 

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will123
4 hours ago, seneca said:

I'm the old man here at 53. Virgin, never dated, barely been kissed.  Really it doesn't bother me most of the time. Sometimes though, I see parents out enjoying time with their kids, and I feel a little pang of regret or maybe jealousy. 

I beat you by three years, but pretty much mirror your description. It kind of bothered me before I found out about asexuality (when I was 44). Since then, it's no big deal.

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Bridence

I'm 26 and the being virgin part doesn't bother me that much. What bothers me is the lack of intimacy that's (at least that's how i feel) bound to sex. I feel like when you are in a relationship with other person, it's pretty much expected to be "all or nothing"-  there's no middle ground of "hugs and cuddling".
Although I might be wrong as I have never been in one and I think that too is partially because of this. At my age I feel so utterly out of loop and inexperienced i'd rather not even get into one (but yeah this definitely plays only a part)
 

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will123
16 hours ago, Bridence said:

I'm 26 and the being virgin part doesn't bother me that much. What bothers me is the lack of intimacy that's (at least that's how i feel) bound to sex. I feel like when you are in a relationship with other person, it's pretty much expected to be "all or nothing"-  there's no middle ground of "hugs and cuddling".
Although I might be wrong as I have never been in one and I think that too is partially because of this. At my age I feel so utterly out of loop and inexperienced i'd rather not even get into one (but yeah this definitely plays only a part)
 

I wonder if our inexperience/nervousness/fill in the blank about relationships and sex can almost be a self-fulfilling prophecy? We MAY want to have a relationship, but since we don't know what to do, we don't go any further.

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roland.o
15 hours ago, will123 said:

I wonder if our inexperience/nervousness/fill in the blank about relationships and sex can almost be a self-fulfilling prophecy? We MAY want to have a relationship, but since we don't know what to do, we don't go any further.

Yes, it can. And the longer you're out of the loop, the harder it gets to break the cycle. (That metaphor sucks, by the way.)

Lucky are those who really do not desire a relationship, because they have no incentive to break the cycle.

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will123

Since my last post here, something came to mind that happened a few years before I discovered asexuality.

 

In '98 I was out in Calgary visiting for a week, a female friend that had moved west 10 years before. Other than a couple days visiting her in '95 on a cross country trek, I hadn't spent much time with her. Well the week had gone well and we'd had a lot of fun. She drove me out to the airport and we were standing there hugging, wishing each other good luck. Well I thought it would be a good idea to kiss her on the lips.

 

"What was that for?" she asked.

 

I was crushed. I didn't mean it in a sexual or romantic way, but I had had such a good time, I thought it would be way to show her my appreciation for the accommodations and showing me around. I think I said something like I was thanking her for the great week. I don't recall her response (if she had one). It sure cast a cloud on my thoughts of the trip.

 

 

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