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globetrotter85

Being an older virgin

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in.visible
22 hours ago, puddlewarts said:

I think its fine to have a differing opinion without generalising and assuming your own experiences speak for the rest of the world.

 

Show me where I was assuming I speak for the rest of the world?!

I told my mother that I think so. I don't know where that is not expressing my opinion. I also told why I think so. But since that was personal information, it does not have a place here.

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Philip027

"I don't think gays should be considered real people"

"Uhh, wow, that's a pretty shitty thing to say"

"LOL why are you getting so upset about it?  That's just like, my opinion, mannnn"

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puddlewarts
16 minutes ago, mania said:

Show me where I was assuming I speak for the rest of the world?!

I told my mother that I think so. I don't know where that is not expressing my opinion. I also told why I think so. But since that was personal information, it does not have a place here.

"I don't think people with mental illnesses can be in a relationship. At least not a healthy one."

 

You stated your opinion on a public forum and expected people not to question it or debate it. If it does not have a place here...then why express that kind of opinion on here? 

 

It is fine to have opinions about things, thats not the issue. However, saying "its my personal opinion and does not have a place here" and then expecting people not to respond otherwise with a differing opinion is kind of assuming that your opinion is in the majority,  or to troll people (which i don't think the latter is what you are doing btw). 

 

The fact is this is a forum where really anybody can see your words and that can effect somebody-be it pro-your opinion or anti-your opinion. You put it up, and you clearly believe that on a personal level... which makes no sense to not expect people to comment on something you have effectively said publicly (ie on the forum) as your opinion.

 

If you felt that your personal opinion isn't the same as your public opinion then you shouldn't of commented it in the first place.    

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in.visible
1 hour ago, puddlewarts said:

 

You stated your opinion on a public forum and expected people not to question it or debate it. If it does not have a place here...then why express that kind of opinion on here? 

 

I never doubted people will question it.

 

But how is bluntly writing 



I have been diagnosed with a mental illness and my relationship is quite fine and healthy, thankyouverymuch.

 

There, now you know an example.

arguing? I feel that could have been written differently.

I'm sorry they feel offended at my opinion, but then again I feel it's offensive to shove me in a category with homophobic trash without knowing me personally.

Thankyouverymuch.

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Philip027

I was trying to demonstrate to you how your apparent "well, it's just my opinion; therefore that gives me the right to say offensive things and nobody should be offended by it" stance falls flat.

 

If you thought I was classifying you with homophobes, you completely missed the point.

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puddlewarts
22 minutes ago, mania said:

I'm sorry they feel offended at my opinion, but then again I feel it's offensive to shove me in a category with homophobic trash without knowing me personally.

Thankyouverymuch.

how are they stating you are being homophobic in the example you gave...They are simply stating that your opinion is offensive to them and that they are in a relationship that they define as healthy. As for the example later in the comments section, they are referring to a simple example of bigotry and bias which can be compared to your own statement. ie "i don't think people with mental illnesses etc etc" to "i don't think that gays are etc etc". Its a crass way of putting the fact that what you said is pretty offensive regardless of your opinion. You can think and say all you want but those opinions are not going to go down well. 

 

That was never my comment FYI and it is not my experience so my opinion on their relationship isn't my business, just like your opinion on a relationship involving people you don't know is none of yours. 

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Busrider

*hugs* @mania Sorry about the flak you are taking here. 

IMHO having a "press release" at hand to toss it at annoying investigators makes life much more comfortable. The big advantage of conservative opinions used in that field: People heard them before and are for that reason more likely to just swallow them. 

I'm sometimes arguing economically (for the male role):

Spoiler

"Wage minus a really modest amount to be wasted on your personal interests, should be greater than debtor protection + child support; preferably even if you spontaneously have to change employers."

And emphasize that I'd feel very challenged to earn that much continuously and even enjoy life with my family on the side.

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in.visible
34 minutes ago, Busrider said:

so my opinion on their relationship isn't my business just like your opinion on a relationship involving people you don't know is none of yours. 

Yes and that is why I was talking about people I know

 

Thanks, @Busrider.

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puddlewarts
On 14/08/2017 at 5:39 PM, mania said:

Whatever. I am in my twenties and I slowly stop caring. It's bothering me more how everyone around makes everything about sex. 

 

On Friday I casually dropped to my mother that I don't think people with mental illnesses can be in a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Now that's off the table.

6 minutes ago, mania said:

Yes and that is why I was talking about people I know

your first statement is a generalisation about what you have experienced, but generalises it about people you don't know... in a public forum where other people will/ and clearly have been offended. You may have experienced this with people you know...but you have generalised it to people you don't know. 

 

That is the issue people are having <_<

 

 

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Philip027
Quote

Yes and that is why I was talking about people I know.

Again, right here *waves hand* someone to challenge your misguided notion about people with mental disabilities.

 

Or do people here not count to you because we're just "internet people" and not actual people or something?  You do realize that's pretty offensive too, right?  Not sure why you're even here interacting with us if our experiences apparently count for nothing to you.

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in.visible

No, it was a personal talk I had with my mother before I saw this thread and it was related. But gotcha, won't post about my personal interactions anymore, fine.

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Penny P.

I'm 38, have never been in a romantic relationship, and am still a virgin.  The last bit doesn't bother me.  What scares/hurts me is what it means to other people.

 

I work in mental health.  One day, I finished a psych eval and was reviewing the case with a colleague.  He looks at the basic demographics, noticed that the 40+ something had never been married, and commented, "So we know there's something wrong with them."  I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.  And no, the patient's romantic history had no relevance to the question that precipitated the eval.

 

Whenever I meet a new patient, they almost inevitably ask me (eventually) if I'm married or have kids.  And when the answer is no, the looks on their faces or the comments they make... They don't mean to be hurtful.  But it's so invalidating.  It's clear that I've failed some test in their mind, that I can't relate to some critical, normal part of their life.  Sometimes, if I won't see them again, I lie in response to the questions because it's too painful or difficult to tell the truth deal with their reactions.

 

I came out to my two closest friends last week.  One is a lesbian (mother of 3), and the other is hetero (mother in an abusive relationship).  They're both lovely, wonderful, very supportive people.  Neither of them made any comment on what I said to them.  I don't know what to think or feel about that.  It's been difficult.

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Willgracefan

@Penny P. Before I knew/accepted I was Ace I internally felt bad for "older" people who weren't married. I work in a customer service job where in applications people have to answer if they've been married or not. I never once questioned that I then in my mid 20's wasn't married either. Now, 11 years later (I'm 37) and know I'm Ace/Aro I kinda secretly love when "older" customers come in who've never been married. 

I only mention my experiences because I think it shows that people can change their feelings. I'm so sorry that your friends had that reaction. Maybe they just needed time to digest. Know that if they are your friends they will love you no matter what. 

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will123
On 6/30/2017 at 11:31 PM, globetrotter85 said:

Just a question for the older virgins among us. I'm 31 and still a virgin, and I guess it's highly likely that I always will be. I was just wondering how other people feel about being a virgin as they get older. Does it bother you? Do other people know? Does it bother you what they think / might think? Nobody in my life knows I'm an ace, I didn't feel like I wanted / needed to tell people, but I've recently been thinking more seriously about it (because I've been on an 18 month adventure on the other side of the world and it's made me think differently about how I'm living my life) and it struck me that if I did come out to people, the conversation might develop in such a way that they might also find out that I have never had sex, and I just kind of wonder what they would think about it, and how I would feel about them knowing something so intimate about me. 

Also wondering, do you think you will die a virgin, and how do you feel about that? Do you think you would be ok with it, or if you might actually regret having never given sex a try?

 

Yes, I'm pretty sure I'll die a virgin. Not actively pursuing a 'partner'.

I never dated as a teen and had female 'friends' over the years. A hug was as close an activity I could give another person. Kissing wasn't in the equation. Up until I found out about asexuality, when I was 43, I thought I'd eventually have sex. I had a couple of chances but passed them up (personal space issues and a good conscience/bad conscience situation). I can elaborate if anyone wants the 'gory/sad' details. After I realised I was asexual any concerns about losing my virginity basically passed by the wayside.

No regrets at 55 that I've never had sex.

 

On 7/1/2017 at 7:47 AM, Techie said:

I'm 55 and mirror what @fuzzipueo says. I thought about it more before I knew I was asexual. When I finally realized my orientation then I understood why it always seemed it would be an effort rather than something that would occur spontaneously. I also realized that I would be single my entire life. I have friends, my siblings and nieces and nephews but I will remain unattached. 

Times two on that @Techie

On 7/6/2017 at 0:25 PM, Willgracefan said:

Me too. I worried more before I accepted I'm ace. I used to think that maybe one day I'd just hire a gigilo just to say I've had sex. Now, I just don't care.

@Willgracefan I didn't worry about it but I kind of hoped I'd lose my virginity (but never really took any steps to follow thru). On the bold, so I'm not the only person to consider hiring a sex worker. At one point I used to contemplate that too. My only fear was that it's illegal in Canada and I'd be sure to get caught in a 'john sweep' or something like that. Not having any experience in the matter, what do you do, ask your co-workers how do you hire an escort or call girl?

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will123
On 7/9/2017 at 5:44 PM, Willgracefan said:

Yes, I agree. We're not in high school anymore and it shouldn't matter. I'm not out as being Ace. My daily life I go to an office with other heterosexual females and while I can agree with them that other males are attractive, I'm always in fear that they learn the truth that I don't want to act on this attraction. Fear that there will be questions about how I can talk one way but not seem to act. 

That was probably the only question my friend had when I came out to him (he knew I was a virgin).

"You've said that girl is pretty or has a nice rack, but you don't have any interest in sex with her?"

I just told him that's just how my mind works. "They look 'nice' aesthetically, but that's it." 

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will123
On 7/9/2017 at 11:31 AM, Muledeer said:

I did exactly that when I was 23 years old.  I flew to Las Vegas, rented a car and drove to a legal brothel and paid $250 for an hour's worth of sex.  It was anticlimactic at best.  Somehow, I thought the experience would get me more motivated to find a girlfriend.  And maybe it did - as I went on to have two sexual relationship over the next five years.  Both relationships ended well, with my girlfriends moving away to another state or returning to her country of origin.  

 

After that, I had a "been there, done that" approach to sex and relationships and never really tried to seek out sex or even a girlfriend again, although I had this nagging hope that someday it would just spontaneously happen.  Then I realized I was asexual about ten years ago and became more comfortable with who I am and the life that I enjoy without the burden of a significant other or especially children.

A trip to Vegas with a friend was discussed almost 20 years ago (he never mentioned that scenario). It did enter my mind though. Mind you the thought having sex for the first time with an 'experienced person' terrified me and quashed any further thoughts. I imagine the whole act would've been a disaster.

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will123
On 7/16/2017 at 11:42 AM, roland.o said:

Emotional support. Not everybody is happy with it, or has always been happy about it.

True at some points it did bother me. Mind you I didn't get 'down' about it.

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will123
On 7/17/2017 at 4:10 PM, cijay said:

But with this comes disappointment (that you're not going to get the support), ridicule and everyone and their uncle trying to fix you up to get you laid, no? (Sorry, I guess I grew up in a different time.)

Not far from the truth, mind you I didn't have to deal with a lot of that.

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will123
On 7/18/2017 at 11:33 PM, SophiaG91 said:

I'm 25 and I've found that it's not really me who cares, it's everyone around me. A lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian since I don't talk about my sex life (or lack thereof) and am not in the "dating scene" like most people my age

:(

 

I know how that is. My sister in law told my mother I must be gay because I've never had a steady girlfriend. Not that I've hung around guys exclusively.

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will123
On 7/19/2017 at 2:04 AM, Plectrophenax said:

 

Even so, if the opportunity presents itself and there are no heavy-handed implications and expectations attached and you are curious, then why not?

 

 

 

If the situation arose (which I doubt would at my age) I could possibly do it.

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will123
On 8/4/2017 at 4:24 AM, RhuinHruda said:

I take care of my own needs. That is the only version of sex I am interested in and I do consider it a form of sex. There are a variety of reasons that I might engage in "me time" and they consist of the same reasons someone would have sex. I see no reason to differentiate the two.

My thoughts are similar but I have read and thought that is it possible for a person to be too comfortable 'taking care of business' solo that you see that as the only way to have sex? When I was younger I wondered if my frequent 'me time' was clouding my views of reality.

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will123
On 8/13/2017 at 1:31 PM, apatrickwsu said:

I'm 34 and a virgin, and unfortunately unlike most have been saying it does cause me distress. I lied for so long to hide this about me, and I have terrible anxiety about sticking out and social situations and this feeds into that kind of stress. I often feel broken and have a ton of self doubt, partially because there is just about zero representation of people like me in the world and I've still never met another aro person IRL, only on sites like this. Sometimes I doubt the validity of my own feelings or think there must be something repressed but I don't really think there is. It is kind of like gaslighting myself because since I've never seen representations of the stuff I'm feeling or heard my own experiences shared I can think the only real way to experience life is what I have seen from other people. Apologies for basically a Tea and Sympathy post on the wrong board but I wanted to say it in case others also might suffer from not seeing their feelings expressed by someone else. 

 

and I don't mean to judge anyone who isn't distressed over their virginity, just wanted to share my perspective instead of denying or ignoring it.

I dreaded when I was younger when the 'question' arose. I usually had some excuse (probably not accepted) and quickly changed the subject.

 

Funny on the gaslighting comment. Watched the movie on TCM a week ago. Boy in some ways Ingrid Bergman looks almost like a teen (she was 29 when the movie was filmed) in it. 

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will123

Sorry for the spamming the thread. For some reason I just noticed it yesterday and found your comments needing responses ;)

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BlueTuesday
27 minutes ago, will123 said:

My thoughts are similar but I have read and thought that is it possible for a person to be too comfortable 'taking care of business' solo that you see that as the only way to have sex? When I was younger I wondered if my frequent 'me time' was clouding my views of reality.

I'm pretty sure that's just something they like to tell you to make you feel guilty about it?  Like it's gonna make you go blind or whatever else they come up with.  I think in actual fact nowadays people in general are much more accepting of, ahem, "me time" and will tell you it's healthy.

Plus the whole "I can handle it solo so why do I need anyone else?" is a pretty typical ace view on the matter.  Could be what you read was in fact written by those who didn't understand asexuality, if you think about it.  Like they studied people and found, "oh look, these people enjoy a bit of "me time" but not actual sex.  Hmm.  There must be some correlation!" without grasping that the lack of interest in sex predated the "me time" - just a theory! ;)

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The Drafting Ninja

29 year old virgin here.  For the most part I'm uncomfortable with all the emphasis on sex and relationships.  The media seems to think that there's something wrong with virgins.  That attitude bothers me.

 

I have met another ace.  She has been sort of a role model in terms of endurance. 

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RhuinHruda
1 hour ago, will123 said:

My thoughts are similar but I have read and thought that is it possible for a person to be too comfortable 'taking care of business' solo that you see that as the only way to have sex? When I was younger I wondered if my frequent 'me time' was clouding my views of reality.

It wasn't something I did when I was younger but rather started doing more as an adult when I began realizing I didn't want anyone else involved. I became more comfortable with the idea of taking care of my own needs. Lol, the same way I learned to go to movies my myself. Why should I miss out because I can't find company?

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roland.o
3 hours ago, will123 said:

Sorry for the spamming the thread. For some reason I just noticed it yesterday and found your comments needing responses ;)

No problem. But you can also respond to several posts, or parts thereof, in a single response. Just select the content of a post, and you'll see a "Quote this" bubble appear. Click it, and the selection will be added as a quote in the edit box. Repeat as desired, and use drag&drop inside the edit box to rearrange the quotes.

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Willgracefan
4 hours ago, The Drafting Ninja said:

29 year old virgin here.  For the most part I'm uncomfortable with all the emphasis on sex and relationships.  The media seems to think that there's something wrong with virgins.  That attitude bothers me.

 

I have met another ace.  She has been sort of a role model in terms of endurance. 

I HATE when I hear people IRL or on TV mention in horror how old they were when they or someone else lost their virginity. "Sarah was 22 when she lost her virginity, can you believe it?" 

Drives me insane its like the opposite of slut shaming 

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will123
5 hours ago, RhuinHruda said:

It wasn't something I did when I was younger but rather started doing more as an adult when I began realizing I didn't want anyone else involved. I became more comfortable with the idea of taking care of my own needs. Lol, the same way I learned to go to movies my myself. Why should I miss out because I can't find company?

I was 19 when i 'did it' the first time, probably late, but oh well. I'm probably too comfortable with the subject as I got pretty in depth in a thread I started just after I joined AVEN earlier this year. I guess I had to express my feelings about something you wouldn't dare talk about to the next person on the train. If anyone wants to discuss this privately, by all means send me a message.

 

I have no problem going to the movies solo. Mind you I haven't been to a lot recently as since I live out of town it's a bit inconvenient. Plus a lot don't interest me. I do enjoy TCM immensely!

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will123
4 hours ago, roland.o said:

No problem. But you can also respond to several posts, or parts thereof, in a single response. Just select the content of a post, and you'll see a "Quote this" bubble appear. Click it, and the selection will be added as a quote in the edit box. Repeat as desired, and use drag&drop inside the edit box to rearrange the quotes.

I'm well aware of the 'multi-quote' system, just too lazy to use it for the most part. Besides I've got to get to 1,000 posts LOL. 

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