• Announcements

    • Kelly

      New Team members Needed--Moderator, Project Team, and Declass Team: Voting   12/10/13

      See:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164659-new-declass-team-member-needed-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164657-new-moderator-member-needed-qa-co-mod-and-world-watch-mod-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164656-new-project-team-member-needed-resources-and-education-director-voting/  
    • Kelly

      AVENues Holiday Special Edition is now live   08/17/17

      The new edition of AVENues is done!   See:        
    • Lady Girl

      Ace Community Census   11/06/17

      It’s time for the 2017 Ace Community Census!   see:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/162675-announcing-the-2017-ace-community-census/  
    • Heart

      Help fund AVEN's servers!   11/06/17

      AVEN is doing its annual fundraiser to raise donations for server costs! See http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163251-aven-server-fundraiser/ for more details.  
globetrotter85

Being an older virgin

Recommended Posts

Muledeer
On ‎7‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 10:25 AM, Willgracefan said:

Me too. I worried more before I accepted I'm ace. I used to think that maybe one day I'd just hire a gigilo just to say I've had sex. Now, I just don't care. It's not something people are gonna write on my tobstome, right? So whatever. 

 

I did exactly that when I was 23 years old.  I flew to Las Vegas, rented a car and drove to a legal brothel and paid $250 for an hour's worth of sex.  It was anticlimactic at best.  Somehow, I thought the experience would get me more motivated to find a girlfriend.  And maybe it did - as I went on to have two sexual relationship over the next five years.  Both relationships ended well, with my girlfriends moving away to another state or returning to her country of origin.  

 

After that, I had a "been there, done that" approach to sex and relationships and never really tried to seek out sex or even a girlfriend again, although I had this nagging hope that someday it would just spontaneously happen.  Then I realized I was asexual about ten years ago and became more comfortable with who I am and the life that I enjoy without the burden of a significant other or especially children.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sleighcaptain

@Muledeer

 

Sorry but "anticlimatic" cannot be allowed to pass without comment :P:P

 

A performance where nobody came?? :P:P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Willgracefan
6 hours ago, cijay said:

That was what I was going to ask. A lot of people here are saying that their friends know they're virgins or they don't want to tell people that they are. What's to be had by discussing it? I know it's an issue in highschool but nobody here is in highschool anymore.

Yes, I agree. We're not in high school anymore and it shouldn't matter. I'm not out as being Ace. My daily life I go to an office with other heterosexual females and while I can agree with them that other males are attractive, I'm always in fear that they learn the truth that I don't want to act on this attraction. Fear that there will be questions about how I can talk one way but not seem to act. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
cijay
19 minutes ago, Willgracefan said:

Yes, I agree. We're not in high school anymore and it shouldn't matter. I'm not out as being Ace. My daily life I go to an office with other heterosexual females and while I can agree with them that other males are attractive, I'm always in fear that they learn the truth that I don't want to act on this attraction. Fear that there will be questions about how I can talk one way but not seem to act. 

Simple - just ask them why they're interested in your sex life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faraday☘
9 hours ago, Muledeer said:

I did exactly that when I was 23 years old.  I flew to Las Vegas, rented a car and drove to a legal brothel and paid $250 for an hour's worth of sex.  It was anticlimactic at best.  

OMG that's fabulous! And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.:D 

 

Anyway, I'm 47 and still a virgin.  I will die one and it does not bother me in the least 🖖

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Keilah

I'm 29 and I'm still a virgin. To be perfectly honest, not having ever done it hasn't ever bothered me in the slightest. Odds are that I'll die a virgin and I have no problem with that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
newgirl
On 7/9/2017 at 5:58 PM, faraday☘ said:

OMG that's fabulous! And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.:D 

 

Anyway, I'm 47 and still a virgin.  I will die one and it does not bother me in the least 🖖

HI five girl on that one (LOL)  47  and alone

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
podsnap

Ditto. Another 47 yr. old virgin here. I don't care. I just don't tell anyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Johnny76

I'm a 40 year old virgin and comfortable with that. I see no reason why anyone in my life needs to know I'm ace at this point and time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
newgirl
6 hours ago, podsnap said:

Ditto. Another 47 yr. old virgin here. I don't care. I just don't tell anyone.

Hey, Welcome to the  47 and alone club

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o
On 9.7.2017 at 5:30 PM, cijay said:

A lot of people here are saying that their friends know they're virgins or they don't want to tell people that they are. What's to be had by discussing it?

Emotional support. Not everybody is happy with it, or has always been happy about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
cijay

But with this comes disappointment (that you're not going to get the support), ridicule and everyone and their uncle trying to fix you up to get you laid, no? (Sorry, I guess I grew up in a different time.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o
39 minutes ago, cijay said:

But with this comes disappointment (that you're not going to get the support)

Actually, I haven't come across anyone yet who wasn't supportive. But history shows that I'm taking the chance only every twenty years or so, and with people that I've been familiar with for years. Except for one, and she was the most important one to "come out" to, because that broke my mental barrier.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Acing It

I can't even relate to being in a relationship and having a regular sex life. All I think about this is that it must be a real drag having to engage in sex and being expected to engage in sex on a regular basis. I really can't see myself in that position. As for not having had sex with anyone, It's a non-issue. It used to be different when I was younger and when I didn't know about asexuality. I felt there was something wrong with me. Even though I intrinsically knew I didn't want sex, I thought I did, but I didn't... if that makes sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
puddlewarts

Im 27 and being a virgin still has given me mixed feelings. Although personally I don't really care/think my sexual (or non-sexual) experiences are anyones business, it inevitably begins being drawn out into society with friends, family and workplaces in particular. The main issue so to speak of is the social pressure to be a sexual being, and that being a virgin, and older at that, i'm made to feel inadequate or broken.

 

Personally, because of this, and the fact that until the last few years i have come to the conclusion that i don't feel sexual attraction it was really difficult to speak or talk to people about it. Generally in the situations i just lie and say "of course im 27 for gods sake!" just to shut them up-explaining the "why" to people is just a waste of energy unless i intended/they intended to pursue some kind of relationship. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SophiaG91

I'm 25 and I've found that it's not really me who cares, it's everyone around me. A lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian since I don't talk about my sex life (or lack thereof) and am not in the "dating scene" like most people my age. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Willgracefan
1 hour ago, SophiaG91 said:

I'm 25 and I've found that it's not really me who cares, it's everyone around me. A lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian since I don't talk about my sex life (or lack thereof) and am not in the "dating scene" like most people my age. 

Yup! Accept I'm  aesthetically attracted

to males so I can agree with my friends on whether men are "hot" but that's as far as it does. I'm not sure what my friends think of me. Welcome, though. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Plectrophenax
On 1.7.2017 at 5:31 AM, globetrotter85 said:

Just a question for the older virgins among us. I'm 31 and still a virgin, and I guess it's highly likely that I always will be. I was just wondering how other people feel about being a virgin as they get older. Does it bother you?

There is a sense of alienation whenever the subject of sexual activity comes up, no matter in what form (this ranges from people in my surroundings talking about it, fiction, advertisments, even just pregnant people or people with very young children). It's a constant reminder of a hidden layer of social activity that I would be completely ignorant about otherwise. And that's the thing - without these reminders, not only would my virginity not bother me, I wouldn't even have a concept of it.

 

On 1.7.2017 at 5:31 AM, globetrotter85 said:

Do other people know?

I have always been honest about this to the very, very few people who have asked. Though some very understanding people have discussed the topic of sexuality (and asexuality) in general with me, the subject of sexual activity and virginity specifically hasn't been raised in several years. But as so many have already said - why should it? ^_^

 

On 1.7.2017 at 5:31 AM, globetrotter85 said:

Does it bother you what they think / might think?

Short answer; no.

 

The longer answer is not really applicable to myself, because the few people whose opinions of me I care about even moderately are very understandable people who (as far as I know) do not leap to conclusions. But what I would be bothered by is if they thought (without saying it, no less) my virginity was a problem for me. Not only because it's not true, but because the assumption that it must be true is a very powerful contributor to the abovementioned alienation. But, again, nobody whose thoughts I care about is likely to think this way, so I direct you to the short answer.

 

On 1.7.2017 at 5:31 AM, globetrotter85 said:

Also wondering, do you think you will die a virgin, and how do you feel about that?

Much like with many things, I have no intention of seeking it out or pursuing it, but that doesn't mean I am adamantly opposed to it either. I have done several things due to other people inviting me to it (though not in the sense of peer pressure, I should add) which I would likely never have done otherwise, nor would have missed.

Only the thing with sexual activity is that 'offers' don't tend to fall from the sky for most people. So, for that reason alone, it seems unlikely that my virginity will be lost before I die. Which bothers me about as much as never having grown my hair all the way down to the floor.

 

On 1.7.2017 at 5:31 AM, globetrotter85 said:

Do you think you would be ok with it, or if you might actually regret having never given sex a try?

I would be more likely to regret not having been sexual in the first place. Not only does it (apparently) make me unable to feel something amazing, but in many cases I feel it makes it rather difficult and borderline impossible to experience closely related things, like intimacy and the nebulous thing labelled 'love'.

But then again, there is little point in regretting something beyond one's control.

 

 

On 1.7.2017 at 6:42 AM, Kavan said:

I'm 25, the older I get the more it bothers me... I don't know.... since sex is such a normal thing on almost everyone around me I can't but feel a little bit left out. I do feel curious about it, but then I think about the possibilities and my curiosity goes away haha it makes me uncomfortable when my friends/acquaintances start talking about it and I'm there looking like a fish out of water. I'm not sex repulsed but having no real first-hand experience when everyone else does is what bothers me. If I ever do it, it'll be out of curiosity and not to die not knowing. (Such a stupid way of thinking tbh :mellow:)

It's not that stupid, really. Just be aware that you are extremely unlikely to actually experience sexual activity the way a sexual does. So your experiment, as it were, would be akin to reading a book of an author and genre you feel no attraction to in order to see if you get the hype of their fans. In all likelihood, you'll be wasting your time.

Even so, if the opportunity presents itself and there are no heavy-handed implications and expectations attached and you are curious, then why not?

 

 

On 1.7.2017 at 10:13 AM, Megane said:

"Youre not that Ugly" they say or some dumb shit like that 

Oh, good grief. That actually sounds awfully insulting to my ears, though I assume it's meant to be a backhanded compliment.

 

 

On 3.7.2017 at 0:10 AM, Steve M said:

Though, that being said, if I got with a partner and we decided to have kids, I would consider it.

Likewise. Though really only if the desire for children would be very strong on their side.

 

 

On 18.7.2017 at 0:08 AM, puddlewarts said:

Im 27 and being a virgin still has given me mixed feelings. Although personally I don't really care/think my sexual (or non-sexual) experiences are anyones business, it inevitably begins being drawn out into society with friends, family and workplaces in particular. The main issue so to speak of is the social pressure to be a sexual being, and that being a virgin, and older at that, i'm made to feel inadequate or broken.

 

Personally, because of this, and the fact that until the last few years i have come to the conclusion that i don't feel sexual attraction it was really difficult to speak or talk to people about it. Generally in the situations i just lie and say "of course im 27 for gods sake!" just to shut them up-explaining the "why" to people is just a waste of energy unless i intended/they intended to pursue some kind of relationship. 

It does seem, ironically, to come up more often the older one gets. It wasn't at all a high school thing for me (though that may just be due to the company I kept), but the more years pass, the more a lack of sexual interest becomes undeniably manifest to my surroundings. I'm curious if my parents will ever come to the moment where their impatience of waiting for a potential family will surface. Assuming they have such impatience, of course. One never knows.

 

While I understand the need to lie - especially because you really don't need your sexuality to be the topic of the hour - there is a chance that it will backfire. If they take your tone to be one of a frustrated virgin forced to be so against their wishes and desires (as I have seen people being prone to do), then, worst case scenario, they'll try to hook you up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SophiaG91
On 7/18/2017 at 10:07 PM, Willgracefan said:

Yup! Accept I'm  aesthetically attracted

to males so I can agree with my friends on whether men are "hot" but that's as far as it does. I'm not sure what my friends think of me. Welcome, though. 

Yeah for me, honestly, I think I find both males and females aesthetically pleasing. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RhuinHruda

Biologically speaking, there's nothing that makes you a virgin. There are no chemical changes. There are very few physical ones (which, especially in women, are nothing like the media portrays it). I think the only real change is mentally/emotionally. And I think it's possible to experience those emotional shifts without having sex.

 

Really, virginity is an extremely archaic institution that subjects women by placing value on an immeasurable state of perceived purity. There is absolutely no logical reason that anyone should feel ashamed or embarrassed for being a "virgin."

 

Of course, society is rarely logical.

 

For me, personally, I'm 33. I've never had a physical partner but I do not consider myself a virgin. I take care of my own needs. That is the only version of sex I am interested in and I do consider it a form of sex. There are a variety of reasons that I might engage in "me time" and they consist of the same reasons someone would have sex. I see no reason to differentiate the two.

 

As an asexual, I think it is far more likely that I would regret agreeing to sex than I would never having it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
apatrickwsu

I'm 34 and a virgin, and unfortunately unlike most have been saying it does cause me distress. I lied for so long to hide this about me, and I have terrible anxiety about sticking out and social situations and this feeds into that kind of stress. I often feel broken and have a ton of self doubt, partially because there is just about zero representation of people like me in the world and I've still never met another aro person IRL, only on sites like this. Sometimes I doubt the validity of my own feelings or think there must be something repressed but I don't really think there is. It is kind of like gaslighting myself because since I've never seen representations of the stuff I'm feeling or heard my own experiences shared I can think the only real way to experience life is what I have seen from other people. Apologies for basically a Tea and Sympathy post on the wrong board but I wanted to say it in case others also might suffer from not seeing their feelings expressed by someone else. 

 

and I don't mean to judge anyone who isn't distressed over their virginity, just wanted to share my perspective instead of denying or ignoring it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
wulfgar83
On 7/16/2017 at 11:42 AM, roland.o said:

Emotional support. Not everybody is happy with it, or has always been happy about it.

I used to not be okay with being an older virgin. I thought that i would do it once and get it over with but now with being a 34 year old virgin it doesn't bother me one bit. Whether i share that information with anyone is a different story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
puddlewarts
On 19/07/2017 at 1:33 PM, SophiaG91 said:

I'm 25 and I've found that it's not really me who cares, it's everyone around me. A lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian since I don't talk about my sex life (or lack thereof) and am not in the "dating scene" like most people my age. 

literally my whole life haha! My parents keep telling me "its ok if your gay you know we dont care!" and I just have to roll my eyes and go "im sure if i WAS gay i would tell you by now" lol!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
in.visible

Whatever. I am in my twenties and I slowly stop caring. It's bothering me more how everyone around makes everything about sex. 

 

On Friday I casually dropped to my mother that I don't think people with mental illnesses can be in a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Now that's off the table.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

On Friday I casually dropped to my mother that I don't think people with mental illnesses can be in a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Now that's off the table.

I hope that's something you only said to get her off your back and not something you actually believe.  Because, uhh, we sure can.

 

If you don't think *you* can, that's fine, but let's not speak for everyone else, hmm?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
in.visible
7 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I hope that's something you only said to get her off your back and not something you actually believe.  Because, uhh, we sure can.

 

If you don't think *you* can, that's fine, but let's not speak for everyone else, hmm?

I said that because *I* don't know any single example where it worked out and/or was healthy, myself included. Never said I don't want to be proven otherwise, but I don't believe so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

I have been diagnosed with a mental illness and my relationship is quite fine and healthy, thankyouverymuch.

 

There, now you know an example.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
in.visible
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I have been diagnosed with a mental illness and my relationship is quite fine and healthy, thankyouverymuch.

 

There, now you know an example.

Wow, why are you feeling so attacked because *I* do not believe in something? I also don't believe relationships last forever, but it doesn't mean there can be exceptions.

 

And no, I do not know you, not personally.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

Wow, why are you feeling so attacked because *I* do not believe in something?

Because it's terribly offensive to and belittling of people with mental illnesses, invalidates my own experiences, and is overall just a bad opinion that you couldn't keep to yourself?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
puddlewarts
On 14/08/2017 at 5:39 PM, mania said:

Whatever. I am in my twenties and I slowly stop caring. It's bothering me more how everyone around makes everything about sex. 

 

On Friday I casually dropped to my mother that I don't think people with mental illnesses can be in a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Now that's off the table.

On 14/08/2017 at 6:27 PM, mania said:

I said that because *I* don't know any single example where it worked out and/or was healthy, myself included. Never said I don't want to be proven otherwise, but I don't believe so.

I think its fine to have a differing opinion without generalising and assuming your own experiences speak for the rest of the world.

 

Having a mental illness is not the cause of failing relationships, just like it is not the reason for long-lasting ones. It is a factor that needs to be considered on an individual basis partner-to-partner.

 

There are lots of factors that come into play when it comes to relationships and putting the idea that people with mental illnesses cannot be in a healthy relationship is not really realistic or fair (particularly to people on here who might have a mental illness). Effectively it is assuming your own ideas about healthy relationships are the same as another persons idea of a healthy relationship, and it also assumes that in order to feel this way about their relationships that your own ideas and projections about what this is are the handbook of what is, and isn't a good fulfilling relationship. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now