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globetrotter85

Being an older virgin

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globetrotter85

Just a question for the older virgins among us. I'm 31 and still a virgin, and I guess it's highly likely that I always will be. I was just wondering how other people feel about being a virgin as they get older. Does it bother you? Do other people know? Does it bother you what they think / might think? Nobody in my life knows I'm an ace, I didn't feel like I wanted / needed to tell people, but I've recently been thinking more seriously about it (because I've been on an 18 month adventure on the other side of the world and it's made me think differently about how I'm living my life) and it struck me that if I did come out to people, the conversation might develop in such a way that they might also find out that I have never had sex, and I just kind of wonder what they would think about it, and how I would feel about them knowing something so intimate about me. 

Also wondering, do you think you will die a virgin, and how do you feel about that? Do you think you would be ok with it, or if you might actually regret having never given sex a try?

 

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fuzzipueo

While the curiosity exists, the actual drive or desire to explore sex, even once, does not exist for me. I think there are people who might know or guess, but they've never outright asked me about it. So far, I have no regrets about not having sex, and I doubt that will change anytime soon.

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Talespin

Personally it's never bothered me, I figured out pretty early on (around 17 -- I'm 32 now) that I would always be a virgin. Sex is just something I've never had any interest in, even before I knew I was ace (or that there was a word for it). A few of my close friends know and they're all very accepting even if they don't fully understand. No one thinks I'm "missing out" on some grand life achievement and no one tries to convince me I should "try" anything. I did have one friend tell me "sex is the best" when I first came out...BUT she also took time to understand my feelings and that her opinion isn't shared by everyone (cake is totally better than sex, haha). I think it's sad that general society shames being a virgin. When I was younger I used to think one day I would "have" to get married and have kids because that's the image of a "perfect life.happily ever after" that society pushes. That if I didn't I would be a "failure" when the truth is there's so much more to life. Never regret not trying something you don't feel comfortable with and never feel ashamed of being true to yourself, that's how I see it.

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MaybeIBelongSomewhere

.

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Woodworker1968

Nope. I can keep my virginity until the day after forever. My John Thomas, I decide what to do with it.

 

I regret nothing.

Nothing.

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Kavan

I'm 25, the older I get the more it bothers me... I don't know.... since sex is such a normal thing on almost everyone around me I can't but feel a little bit left out. I do feel curious about it, but then I think about the possibilities and my curiosity goes away haha it makes me uncomfortable when my friends/acquaintances start talking about it and I'm there looking like a fish out of water. I'm not sex repulsed but having no real first-hand experience when everyone else does is what bothers me. If I ever do it, it'll be out of curiosity and not to die not knowing. (Such a stupid way of thinking tbh :mellow:

My super close friends know I'm asexual and that I'm a virgin, the rest of my friends think I have a normal sex life. If they ever found out (that I'm a virgin... asexuality is too complicated to them <_<), they would either be slightly surprised or shrug it off and think is for religious reasons (yeah I'm the religious friend), which doesn't bother me at all.

 

All in all, it doesn't bother me THAT much right now... but thinking about the future it bothers me A LOT  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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roland.o

I'm 47. What bothers me is that I have never been able to engage in a relationship. Being a virgin is a consequence of that, as I'm not interested in just "trying it out" or paying for sex or whatever. It was only this year that I learned about demisexuality. Now I feel much more comfortable with myself. I hope that I can better open up to people in the future and find a partner. Maybe a soulmate, as MaybeIBelongSomewhere put it. Everything else will follow.

 

A few close friends know. A few more know that I haven't been in a relationship for decades.

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Sherlocks

I am a 23 year old virgin and am certain that will remain in tact long into my 40s. When I watched the movie 40 year old virgin I thought it was hysterical. I still working on getting a license and even if I get one will most likely Opt out for some sort of bike just because I don't feel like paying for stupid insurance. I also am super geeky and am not really ashamed about the fact I am a big old geek and that kind of thing will probably never die. People often harass me about this fact but I don't really feel like changing it. There are several reasons why I don't lose my virginity and part of that is trust issues. That is an extremely intimate act and humiliation will come if one decides to trick you into something like that just to say what a worthless idiot you are for falling for it. What really bothers me is that other people be so insistent on me losing something which is mine to share and mine to keep to myself if I see fit. Its the same with people being angry you don't throw up your secrets for everyone to hear.

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Dark General

I am 23 years old. I'm pretty certain I'll be a virgin forever because the thought of having sex with someone just doesn't appeal to me at all. Being a virgin and remaining one doesn't bother me at all. I doubt that there are many people that know I'm a virgin because I'm an incredibly private person and generally leave myself a mystery to the majority of people. As for what people would think of me being a virgin, I don't really care what they think. 

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cijay

I'm 54 and it doesn't bug me at all. There's no reason for anyone to know. It's no like I'm ashamed of it, it's just that it's not fodder for discussion (and it doesn't come up in my circles). How would I feel about dying a virgin...well, I wouldn't feel anything because I would be dead.  I'm probably going to die having not skydived, volcano explored or performed on the west end either and those ideas upset me more.

Now...about your coming out and friends asking you intimate questions - you don't have to answer them. Stay really true to yourself, if you don't want to come out to them, don't. If they ask you (about your orientation or being a virgin), say exactly what you said now. It's an intimate area of your life and they have no right to it. The best conversations I had went..

 

Them: Can I ask you a question?

Me: If I can ask you one, you go first

Them: Are you gay?

Me: None of your business, really. My turn...why are you so interested in my sex life?

Them: Well, I wondered, you never have a boyfriend or you're not interested...

Me: That's not what I asked. I asked why you're interested in my sex life?

Them: Never mind, just forget it.

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Sleighcaptain

I'm surprised work colleagues still talk like that when you get into your forties. Maybe the occasional single person testing the waters, so to speak, but I'd have thought they'd have grown out of such talk by then 

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Megane

Imvsure im still a baby to someone but at 26 i think about sex alot though its usually between two imaginary people (who are usually guys).

 

Does it bother me that Ive never had penetrated sex? No cause its not a big deal to me but I like if my boyfriend was more honest about if he wanted it or not. Him being unclear doesnt help and pisses me off

 

Do other people know? Yes! But they dont believe me. "Youre not that Ugly" they say or some dumb shit like that 

 

Does it bother you what they know?

It bothers me they think people can live without sex but not that they know 

 

How would you feel if you die a virgin?

Pretty sure i wouldnt care 

 

Will you give sex a try ?

If the moods hits but ive been thinking about the worst case scenario of getting pregbany than dealing with how the abortion would effect my family. My mother always wanted grandkids she never let me hear the end of it  so that and the fact i dont have my own apt is the only thing keeping me unintrested 

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Techie

I'm 55 and mirror what @fuzzipueo says. I thought about it more before I knew I was asexual. When I finally realized my orientation then I understood why it always seemed it would be an effort rather than something that would occur spontaneously. I also realized that I would be single my entire life. I have friends, my siblings and nieces and nephews but I will remain unattached. 

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Sleighcaptain

@Techie, my thoughts exactly :cake:

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Jade Cross
5 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

I'm surprised work colleagues still talk like that when you get into your forties. Maybe the occasional single person testing the waters, so to speak, but I'd have thought they'd have grown out of such talk by then 

Sadly, its far more common that we might suspect, especially if you give off any signs of still being one. A coworker of mine has been picked on by the rest of the group because he's in his 40's, single, and his only companion is a cat; basically the textbook definition of what society categorises as a "loser" in the sex/relationship world. His views on sex are also less on par with that of the general population. I suspect this is why he opts out of any talks incolving either subject.

 

 

Ive done a few societal experiments to see how people react to things like this and believe me, its like throwing food at a nest of flies. They wont think twice about it. In a similar sense, when you emulate their behavior and attitude, its surprisingly easy to navigate around people and their ideals on this.

 

Regarding the question, at first, like many who are bombarded and pestered with the idea, I believed that something may have been wrong with me and I spent quite the amount of time trying to understand it and even "Fix" it. Thankfully, I was able to come to terms with this and understand that not wanting sex wasnt any sort of pathology like most claim, before I really did anything monumentally stupid.

 

I can definitely go to my grave not having had sex and be perfectly ok with it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Techie
On 7/1/2017 at 3:21 AM, Skycaptain said:

I'm surprised work colleagues still talk like that when you get into your forties. Maybe the occasional single person testing the waters, so to speak, but I'd have thought they'd have grown out of such talk by then 

My own personal experience that ended by early 30's when everyone else was dealing with their marriages and kids. They were too busy worrying about their own lives at that point to worry about someone else's relationship status and sex life. 

 

If this 40+ person is in the U.S. he might have a claim of harassment. If someone started harassing me this late in life I would let my employer know and tell them they either fix it or I lawyer up and monetize it. That BS stops in high school. 

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Wolf27

When I was younger I just thought I was too young to have sex and that I'd be ready when I was older. Now I'm 27 and have no desire to have sex. It doesn't bother me that I'm still a virgin. If anything it bothers other people more. They always say things like "you just haven't met the right person yet" or "you just need to try it". But I know who I am and I am finally accepting who I am. 

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Steve M

I am a 34 year old virgin, and quite happy to die a virgin.  I have no interest in trying it.  Though, that being said, if I got with a partner and we decided to have kids, I would consider it.  All of my family and close friends know I'm a virgin, and a quick glance at my Facebook profile will show I'm asexual.  I have never been interested in sex, though I do want a committed relationship, and I came across asexuality via Facebook, about 4 years ago.

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Grinchmer

Shrug.

 

34yo virgin here. I'm single by default with precisely no interest in dating or casual activities. My folks know (and I guess that it would make the headlines if I ever said "I did it!" :D) Maybe they'd think of it as weird if it wasn't me, but... it just fits into the picture, you know? It's a perfectly Homer-like thing not to have sex, so nobody ever gives a shit (well maybe except for one female friend who sometimes can't believe that I'm absolutely fine with the situation. It's a rare occursion, but she might bring it up when she had a few every now and then. I really don't mind her asking at all.)

 

Whoever asks me about it will get an honest answer; the subject is just not relevant enough to cause any distress. There is NO WAY anyone would ever approach me with sexual intentions, so it certainly won't "just happen naturally". If someone did, my assumption would be that they lost a bet :D

If curiosity gets the best of me one day and I decide to spend a few bucks on, er, professional help, so be it. If not, so be it.

 

tl;dr - meh.

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Grant me grACE

Today I was reading through some old blog posts from back in January 2010. I had not identified as ace at that time, but this was (apparently) already on my radar, somehow:

 

Love, In The Fourth Dimension! Not.

 

The other day, I was told that, when it comes to relationships, I exist in the fourth dimension. "The first dimension is want. The second is personality. The third is sex. The fourth is usually time, but in this case, you ARE the fourth dimension!" This in response to the fact that I've never had sex (with a healthy dose of pity thrown in on the side). That I can have a relationship with a man that doesn't involve sex, or that I can want a relationship with a man without wanting sex from him, apparently exists almost entirely outside the time-space continuum. Great.

 

I am 30 years old and have still not had partnered sex, and I'm okay with that. I'm not necessarily sex-repulsed, or opposed to the idea with the "right" person, if there is such a person out there. I think I *would* probably like to have partnered sex someday, to see if it is all it's cracked up to be, but I'm also not sure that I'm motivated enough to search it out. At this point, with my current mindset, I may never have partnered sex, and that wouldn't be such a disaster. I do, however, enjoy cake quite a lot, in all dimensions. :cake::cake::cake::cake:

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cijay
11 hours ago, Wolf27 said:

When I was younger I just thought I was too young to have sex and that I'd be ready when I was older. Now I'm 27 and have no desire to have sex. It doesn't bother me that I'm still a virgin. If anything it bothers other people more. They always say things like "you just haven't met the right person yet" or "you just need to try it". But I know who I am and I am finally accepting who I am. 

I don't get 'you just need to try it' because nobody knows anything about my sex life but the 'haven't met the right person yet' - I agree with them whole heartedly. I haven't. They don't deserve to know that I'm not looking, I'm content, I find "1" to be a whole number but I do agree that I haven't found the right person. (My friends have been warned though that if they get any funny ideas of setting me up with someone, I will embarrass them beyond any stretch of their imagination.)

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Gloomy

I'm 26 and think it's very likely that I will die a virgin. It doesn't bother me. Thankfully I haven't been asked by anyone irl about it for quite a while, but if they did ask I'd just say I haven't had a desire to do those things.

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Willgracefan
On 7/1/2017 at 7:47 AM, Techie said:

I'm 55 and mirror what @fuzzipueo says. I thought about it more before I knew I was asexual. When I finally realized my orientation then I understood why it always seemed it would be an effort rather than something that would occur spontaneously. I also realized that I would be single my entire life. I have friends, my siblings and nieces and nephews but I will remain unattached. 

Me too. I worried more before I accepted I'm ace. I used to think that maybe one day I'd just hire a gigilo just to say I've had sex. Now, I just don't care. It's not something people are gonna write on my tobstome, right? So whatever. 

 

My college friends all know I'm a virgin. They never mention it. 18 years ago when we were in college we never talked about sex. Maybe, they did amongst themselves just not around me. Looking back I always thought that I was just a naive little 20 year old in college that never realized friends around her were having sex. (We still don't) Now, I think it's cause I never thought about sex (with others) so I never cared to ask my friends about it. 

 

New friends ive met since college don't ask cause frankly it's none of their business, though I'm not sure what my response would be if asked. 

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cijay
On ‎01‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 1:21 AM, Skycaptain said:

I'm surprised work colleagues still talk like that when you get into your forties. Maybe the occasional single person testing the waters, so to speak, but I'd have thought they'd have grown out of such talk by then 

Sadly, they do. It IS the occasional single person though, that's the difference between that and high school. The thing is, when they're in their 40s, they're starting to divorce and 'find themselves' so they figure you're single and have been waiting for them to become single again so they can show you the wonderful world of dating.

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GayleMG

I'm 54 and before I found out asexuality was a thing, I sometimes felt weird about it, but the subject doesn't come up in my conversations much. Friends, family, and coworkers tend to just mind their own business about it. I'm actually happy to have discovered this site because I really thought I was odd for a long time. The funny thing is, I remember a time many years ago when I joked to someone that I was asexual, and I didn't even know it was an actual orientation. I was trying to be funny, using asexual in a human sense, as opposed to asexual reproduction in a scientific sense! But then again, I've never wanted to reproduce. I have never regretted not having kids. Other people's kids are fine. It's just never appealed to me.

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Willgracefan

Welcome @GayleMG  I'm glad you've discovered your sexuality and AVEN! Good luck.

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GayleMG

Hey, I meant to say I was 53! I don't need to add a year, they go by fast enough already! :D

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Willgracefan
17 minutes ago, GayleMG said:

Hey, I meant to say I was 53! I don't need to add a year, they go by fast enough already! :D

Haha! This is so funny. I'm 37 but I always say/think I'm 38 for some reason! 

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Sleighcaptain

Being an older virgin. Unless you intend wearing a sandwich board proclaiming the fact why does it matter? 

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cijay
7 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

Being an older virgin. Unless you intend wearing a sandwich board proclaiming the fact why does it matter? 

That was what I was going to ask. A lot of people here are saying that their friends know they're virgins or they don't want to tell people that they are. What's to be had by discussing it? I know it's an issue in highschool but nobody here is in highschool anymore.

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