Need Advice

[L@L@]

Hi, I've actually never written let alone joined a forum. I'm 28 and my fiance is 30. These past two days in general have been emotional. You see my fiance is transgender (Female to Male) and his therapist just recently ask him if he's looked into asexuality due to his previous conversation about sex and our sex life. When we first got together, we were very sexuall allot even in some moments where I was to tired and wasn't really wanting to (which is surprising for me) haha. He'd initiate all the time, while away at work would ask for photos, videos etc. I didn't have an issue with it. As time progressed all of that just went to a halt, and its almost like a switch just clicked. It went from frequent sex to sex every other week or so. Today its once a month or every other month. And if we do have sex I feel he just does it for me now. Until the other day the reason he had been going to a therapist is because he wanted to see what is wrong and why he is dysphoric (depressed about his body because he's transgender) all the time. We felt his dysphoria might be the reason his sex drive has dwindled. He mentioned to his therapist that he doesn't think about sex, nor do he have a desire for it. Hence after saying that she offered that he look into researching about asexuality. I won't lie I was devastated by the idea he could be and still am (the news is still fresh) but here I am trying to vent and see. I don't feel that he is and he doesn't even know really and never gave it a thought. He's initiated sex recently before and I've asked if its for me of if he genuinely wants to and his response is "I don't know it just depends on how I feel at the time" other times he says he can feel uncomfortable and not want to. I know he's shared that its allot of mental work when we have sex because he feels like he has to prepare himself with being comfortable with his body etc. I love him sooooo much it hurts. And I know its not my fault but I guess as a woman I can't help but feel sad and unwanted in that way, especially if I was once wanted and desired by him before. When he haven't had sex for over a month I tend to get irritable and a little resentful (but like quietly to myself) sometimes I feel like I'm starving for attention; more than just some rub on my back and a kiss. He knows how I feel and it hurts him as well, he's sat and cried claiming "I wish I could find a way to fix me, or a reprogram I can join so I can be normal"  I told him he is normal and that he shouldn't beat himself up but continue to get help. He takes anti depressants and anxiety medication along with weekly testosterone shots so I don't know if meds could play in this as well. I guess I'm just wondering if he could be asexual even though he's never been like that before, does he show signs and can someone just become one over time? I love him so much I'm just scared that not being intimate and not being wanted is gonna take a toll. I feel I didn't cover everything I'm sure but I'm open to answer any questions. Just really would like some advice from people who experience this and are educated in asexuality, Instead of judging people telling me to 'run for the hills'. 

[mindlife]

It's important to differentiate between sex drive and attraction.  There are many asexuals who possess a sex drive, but have no sexual attraction.

As for your experience with sexual contact, there are periods where asexuals may get into sexual relationships and then, after a period, the novelty of sexual contact wears off and the asexual orientation re-asserts itself.  The individual, though capable of sexual responses, ceases to be interested or attracted to sexual contact.

This does not mean that your partner is not capable of loving you.

It just means that he is in a period of flux leading to a different kind of stasis in himself.

The addition of his medical and other treatment add to the flux idea as well.

Your post suggests that there is much in the air concerning this relationship and this person your partner.

If you love him, stick with him.  Show compassion as well as passion in whatever commitment you make.

 

[Lindzabop]

Hi, it's such a strange relief to see someone in almost the exact situation I'm in. Asexuality is so much more complicated when gender dysphoria is involved. My partner is the same way. We used to engage sexually in the beginning of our relationship and they really wanted me and such. Now, just like you said, it felt like a switch had flipped and everything stopped. It's extremely confusing to look back on that time and how they don't feel anything for it now or it makes them panic. They're just as confused about it as I am. 

 

I wish I could tell you the answer but I'm still going through this process as well. I think people change all the time. I think it's possible that your partner is discovering that they're on the ace spectrum and their relationship with sex is changing. They're going through a very weird process of dealing with gender things and body dysphoria that you can't relate to or understand. I can't relate to it, either. It feels devastating sometimes. I feel very powerless. I imagine you do too. What your partner is going through is deeply personal and difficult and I believe if you give him the space and support he needs then he'll start becoming his best self. How that will affect the relationship remains to be seen. 

 

Luckily, your partner seems open to communication. I think you should both keep checking in with each other about where you're both at. You need to be honest when you feel like it's weighing on you and he needs to be honest about where he's at and if he would be willing to engage in that way. You need to talk about where the both of you could compromise. Maybe he can't have sex with you for awhile but you can find other ways to be physically intimate that would be satisfying to you and not unpleasant for him. Perhaps not as fully satisfying as sex would be, but if it's the best they can offer you then they're trying because they love you

.

I wish we could see the future and know if it's best to end the relationship or keep powering through, but for now, I guess we have to take it one day at a time. Try and focus on all the other good parts of the relationship and why you chose to be with them in the first place.