What is the Sexually Active Partner Supposed to Do?

[Zanahoria]

Hello. I am new to the term "asexual", but the more I read into it, the more it sounds like what I am going through. I have been with my now fiance for 9 years. I was a virgin when I met him at 20 and we had sex about 2 years into the relationship. Even since then, I have been slacking on the sex drive and initiating sex which has caused a problem in our relationship. This seems to be the only problem that we are having between us but it is a big deal. We recently had the discussion of a taking break or considering an open relationship since he is not getting "his needs" from me. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to break up, but I guess i need a better understanding of how asexuals and sexually active men work out? Does it work? Just to add, I know that I only like men and I know that I am attracted to my man. Sex had just never been something of a need for me. I never understood why I am this way. Every single guy I talked to broke up with me because of my lacking of a sex drive. He is the first to stay with me this long, but he has also been the most frustrated with it. I just wish that I wanted to have sex as much as he does. When I do initiate something, I sometimes feel fake because I am only doing it for him. He gets more turned on when I actually feel sexy doing the initiation but I don't. In the end, it's all for him. I am searching for advice as to how to handle this. 

[argar]

I hesitate in sharing this article.

 

I was considering posting it on the site, but I dislike that it doesn't mention asexuality as a factor at all.

 

Bearing that one glaring omission, in my opinion, it does have a lot to say about the situation you are currently going through.

 

The article is really informative, but I would suggest taking it with a grain of salt.

 

I hope at the very least it gives you better questions.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-vital-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive

 

Have a beautiful night.

 

[Guest]

Mixed relationships are difficult. Many sexuals need their partner to not just have sex, but want sex and feel enjoyment from it, for them to get their own enjoyment. 

 

For an open relationship, are you interested in that? Or would it just be a "I don't want to lose him, so I will try it, even though I hate the idea"? Remember if you do open the relationship there will be other people involved. And sometimes, just sex can turn into feelings, so you'd want to discuss how you feel about polyamory, not just open relationships.And it's not just a bandaid fix, so if you two aren't legitimately interested in that lifestyle for more than just filling the gap, it's not likely to work.

 

You can also discuss compromises that might help him with feeling more satisfied sexually. But, if he needs you to want it, that's not likely viable. 

 

Basically, it comes down to a lot of talking and figuring out what both your needs are. There is no one answer. Some sexual partners go celibate, some couples compromise on sex by doing other acts than penetration, or scheduling intercourse, etc. Some open up the relationship. Some go full on poly.