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Is it difficult being an asexual adult?


Bazinga

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2 minutes ago, Twigwilter said:

I didn't identify as ace until I was 27 (I'm 31 now) and envy people who have known about asexuality from such a young age. I doubt I'd have been so hard on myself for years if I'd known it was a thing then, and I wouldn't have got into a relationship in an attempt to be "normal", and suffered all the drama that came with it! 

Isn't that the truth! I'll expand on my reply (I'm on my phone) later.

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3 hours ago, Twigwilter said:

I didn't identify as ace until I was 27 (I'm 31 now) and envy people who have known about asexuality from such a young age. I doubt I'd have been so hard on myself for years if I'd known it was a thing then, and I wouldn't have got into a relationship in an attempt to be "normal", and suffered all the drama that came with it! There are definitely perks to being ace - I find I'm one of the only ones out of my friends who still has time for hobbies/ socialising. I see my friends in long term relationships, having kids, and I no longer envy them as I can see that it's not all it's cracked up to be (they moan about it constantly and seem to be aging much faster than my single friends!). It's not considered anywhere near as weird to be single/ childfree these days and even if your same-age friends get tied up with families etc, as you get older you'll make friends who are older and younger than yourself who aren't as tied down. A lot of my friends envy me for being in a job that I love, but that wouldn't be possible if I had commitments as the pay is quite poor and it involves lots of moving around.

Questioning yourself when you really don't know what you're looking for is pretty hard to deal with. I never got to a 'dark place' so to speak, but didn't enjoy it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/26/2017 at 8:45 AM, Bazinga said:

Is it lonely being an asexual later on in life (if you are aromantic or single)? Do you miss out on a lot? Do you ever wish you were heterosexual? How do you deal with being alone? Do you have pets? Are there any benefits? (Not having to deal with relationship trauma) Do you feel sad that you wont have children of your own?

 

 

I'm single, there are times I do wish I was sexual because it would make for a lot more relationship options but you get used to it. I have friends, just no real romantic interests  (I'm not aro) but thats more a lack of trying then anything. I have 2 cats and 2 kids, no idea where you got the idea you can't have children if you want just because your ace.  Google "Single mother by choice" there are also Single Fathers by Choice, I assume they just adopt or something but for women we have many options for family building from the old fashioned way of sex to AI to IVF to adoption. Lots of options!

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  • 7 months later...

I've only recently come to terms with my feelings on potentially being asexual or aromatic, I don't think its sunk in yet that I'm considering that is what I am so I don't know which it is. But I do know I never want kids, and I'm against marriage as a practice(though I don't have anything against people who want to marry). I'm not against being in a relationship however, I would like to find someone who can agree to one without sex and doesn't mind that I'm not a romantic type of person. Our society has planted in our heads from birth that sex and relationships go hand and hand, you can't have one without the other. I've always found that to be complete B.S. Couples can do everything that goes into a relationship, you just don't have sex, its not a hard concept to understand yet society looks down on people like that. 

I feel at 32, I'm far more mature then I was in my 20's and can deal with things better. At the time I never really heard of what asexuality was, if I did, never crossed my mind that it could be me. It makes sense now all the years I've struggled with these feelings like something was wrong that I couldn't just find a guy date them then do the normal sex life thing.  I even thought for a time I might be lesbian since guys wasn't doing anything for me, but turns out Its both sides I'm not into. I feel now that  I don't need a relationship to be happy. I am lucky that I have several friends who are on the same level as me, though none of us has said to the other that where're asexual, but were not into dating people, and marriage and kids are not going to happen. So I'm not going to feel pressured by other people to date. I keep myself busy with hobbies, classes, I do like meeting new people to a degree, though I am a introvert so I'm not a party hopper. But I can do anything and everything else that other people do just without a sex life.

I find it more liberating being in my 30's now then my 20's. I don't have the answers to everything in life, no one does, but I do know that no one will ever force me to do something that I don't want and I'm not going to anything to make someone happy if I'm not happy with it. That's my long rant sorry If I bored anyone :) 

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Being asexual is just like any other orientation, or life in general- anything is what you make of it. Being ace doesn't necessarily limit you and your interactions with the world, but it gives you a different perception than most others.

 

Because I'm happy being a home body, I have only a few friends I like to meet once in a while, and I like visiting family once in a while- I don't necessarily feel lonely, because I live with my mom- I'm a young adult (23), usually you don't see people my age who aren't moving around-traveling, and going out, dating and such, but I'm quite content. I'm at the age than I'm worrying about the whole "ace compromise" relationship, I'm aromantic though, and that would be pure hell for me, so yeah....just live the life you want to.

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On 6/29/2017 at 8:14 AM, SaturnOOO said:

I certainly don't find it difficult being asexual as an adult... I'm just myself. I found it much more difficult trying to be sexual! I don't feel lonely because I'm lucky to have wonderful friends and family, :) 

That is a nice post that I can relate to. I found out about asexuality (and I identify as aro' as well) when I was 44 (almost 57) and feel it is easier for me to be asexual than than when I was 'trying' (for lack of a better term) to be sexual and accomplishing nothing.

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On 7/3/2017 at 1:42 AM, cijay said:

(I just don't think I was meant to be half of a couple because I'm so comfortable in my own company) 

This sounds so much like me. I don't it in the least that I do a lot of things by myself. Domestic travel in Canada or the US (not sure I'd enjoy foreign travel by myself), movies, sporting events and concerts. I know friends think it's odd to go to concerts solo, but my musical taste can veer from mainstream so not many of the folks I know would enjoy tagging along with me.

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I like it better since there's way less 'ambient pressure' on me to get into relationship/sex stuff (highschool years, etc.).

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On 6/26/2017 at 11:45 AM, Bazinga said:

Hello everyone. I am currently 16 and have recently realized that I was asexual. At first, I was elated that I finally found a label for myself. However, it dawned on me that I would never be able to get married or have children (I'm aromantic as well). I never wanted marriage or children, but I thought I did because of societal norms. However, I now feel deeply saddened because I know that Ill never be able to live a "normal" life like that of my friends. It's probably just the teenager in me speaking, but, I truly want to be able to fit in or at least relate to everyone around me. I have always felt isolated for my entire life, and I just need some guidance from adults who have been through it all.

 

Is it lonely being an asexual later on in life (if you are aromantic or single)? Do you miss out on a lot? Do you ever wish you were heterosexual? How do you deal with being alone? Do you have pets? Are there any benefits? (Not having to deal with relationship trauma) Do you feel sad that you wont have children of your own?

 

I don't mean for this to be a pity thread; I am merely looking for guidance and honest answers. All the best.

You will probably miss out on getting divorced, fighting over real estate, pension plans, and worst, fighting over the kids.

I'm a paralegal; I used to work on divorce and domestic cases.  I literally saw inside of other people's rotten lives.

Be grateful!

 

Anyway, you can volunteer like I do.  I volunteer to help homeless people.  Helping people gives life a lot of meaning, so you don't need to have kids to add meaning to your life.

 

I also take martial arts classes and being old, sometimes I help the kids in the class learn things.  I work 2 jobs, and take care of my elderly mother.  I'm so darn busy I don't have time to feel lonely!

 

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lilgroundhog

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something".

 

I'm in my 30s and find being ace is hard, but I don't think it's any harder than any other orientation.  We all deal with societies expectations of us and who other people think we should be.  Also so much of life has nothing to do with sex or sexual orientation, regardless of what the media says.  Your life is what you make of it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/26/2017 at 8:45 AM, Bazinga said:

Hello everyone. I am currently 16 and have recently realized that I was asexual. At first, I was elated that I finally found a label for myself. However, it dawned on me that I would never be able to get married or have children (I'm aromantic as well). I never wanted marriage or children, but I thought I did because of societal norms. However, I now feel deeply saddened because I know that Ill never be able to live a "normal" life like that of my friends. It's probably just the teenager in me speaking, but, I truly want to be able to fit in or at least relate to everyone around me. I have always felt isolated for my entire life, and I just need some guidance from adults who have been through it all.

 

Is it lonely being an asexual later on in life (if you are aromantic or single)? Do you miss out on a lot? Do you ever wish you were heterosexual? How do you deal with being alone? Do you have pets? Are there any benefits? (Not having to deal with relationship trauma) Do you feel sad that you wont have children of your own?

 

I don't mean for this to be a pity thread; I am merely looking for guidance and honest answers. All the best.

I'll respond to OP @Bazinga first since this has reached 3 pages, and then read back through...

 

Is it lonely being asexual later on in life? I'm 32, it can be.

But then anyone of any title or label can be lonely if they let themselves. And part of not feeling lonely is being engaged in activities that you like to do, so that you are filling your life with something meaningful and satisfying even if you don't have a partner.

 

I've spent a good deal of my adult life from age 17 to now trying my best to find some other reason why I feel a lack of sexual interest, but it hasn't been until recently I've really just had to concede that it's not going to change. And I've seen a lot of asexual people on the forums (I've lurked here since before 2010) that are under the impression that long-term relationships cannot work with sexual people. I'm in one, it works for us.

 

I think, that you shouldn't worry so much about finding someone, and the idea of getting married, because at some point in your life you will like have met some people you connect with, and then the traditional idea of marriage will reveal itself to actually be just a long-term relationship with your best friend, and a deeper understanding of what it means to truly be a partner in someone's life. Neither of which require any sexual interest, or romance. Or maybe you won't ever want to get married, and that is perfectly acceptable as well.

 

It's hard to see it like that, I know, but that's how I see it now, and I would like to marry the person who I am with because he is my partner in all things good and bad, with or without sex, and I would not have said the same thing when I was much younger and newer to the asexual concept.

 

I hope this wasn't condescending, I hadn't meant for it to be.

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It's difficult being any kind of adult.

 

I didn't know about asexuality until I was 60, so I went through many many years wondering what was wrong with me.  I've read on AVEN how difficult it is for someone in their 20s to realize that they are asexual, and that as such they are not "broken", they must now worry about whether they will never find a relationship in a world of people who seemingly all want sex.  Both situations are difficult.

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i am 47  i new for 3 months ago the label hetero demi  fit most of my life  it was a relief  finding i am not just weird  guy &  not the only one . i don't over think things  about my past of what i should have done.I can go forward  and not try to fit in to someone else version of normal  and just live my life knowing what makes me tick

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  • 3 months later...

Hi everyone. I'm thankful for all of your responses. Nearly a year has passed, and I feel more comfortable about myself. I learned I had to open my mind and realize society's norms didn't apply to everyone (or anyone, really). I have also realized I am demi-biromantic, and although I occasionally wish I could be "normal," it was actually a call for community and acceptance; thankfully, I have found that here and with my friends. I hope we all support one another. Happy 2019! 

 

*Sorry if this was a necro post 

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Fluffy Femme Guy
1 hour ago, Bazinga said:

I learned I had to open my mind and realize society's norms didn't apply to everyone (or anyone, really).

It's a very liberating thing to discover that.
"Culture is not your friend."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Phantasmal Fingers

No. It's a piece of :cake:.

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31 minutes ago, Abracadabra! said:

No. It's a piece of :cake:.

The previews on my news feed don't show emoticons, so for some nonsensical reason I was expecting to see 💩. :D

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