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Doubting my gender?


Littlemissno

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Littlemissno

Hi! First off, thanks for reading this! It means a lot.

 

So, in the past year or so I've been finding out about the new classifications for sexuality and identity etc. I think I may be demisexual and I've been wondering if I'm bi for a few years now, but that's for another post. I'm still learning, so if I offend anyone or get something wrong, please know I don't mean it. I probably just don't know how to write it the best way that shows I mean no malice or that I'm causing it in the first place.

 

Anyways, lately I've been seeing more and more pictures and posts about gender fluid people since I learned about Ruby Rose. I never heard gender fluid before, but when I read what it is (which I'm still a little confused about), it felt right (?) somehow. But I don't know why and I'm not sure if I should use that name. Can someone help?

 

-I don't feel like dressing up as a guy (I think). I have a pretty low self esteem (trying to change that), so I typically wear jeans, a loose hoodie or sweater, and a shirt. Pretty much the shirts you find at Hot Topic- my fav store. Some days I feel like wearing a dress or skirt with some sandals. I typically avoid heels or wedges, but I catch myself wanting to wear them once in a blue moon. Sneakers are like my best friends lol and most of the clothes I wear are black. I wear curvy jeggings since those are the only ones that will fit my curvy body fine.

 

-I grew up around boys. I was the first girl until my sister came two years later. We grew up hanging out with all my boy cousins, so I always thought I was just a tomboy. I like to play sports and video games and roughhouse- things I had always associated with boys. I was one of the guys.

 

-On that note, when I was younger and until high school, I had more fun hanging out with guys. I like hanging out with girls, but I felt there was too much pressure and I didn't fit in. I was a shy kid, still am, so kind girls usually came up to me and would befriend me. I usually had more girl friends in school than I did guys. Looking back though I think I had more fun hanging out with the guys. I liked the crude humor and roughhousing with them. I also didn't try hard to fit in with them. I felt like I belonged.

 

-When I was in high school I got really sick and practically missed all of school. I had to have tutors come to my house to give me my schoolwork, so I have no experiences with discovering myself. I was out of it with all the medications and surgeries I had to go through most of the time, so finding out who I was wasn't on my mind. I don't have anything to go off of... 

 

-I've never really felt like I belonged my entire life. I moved around a lot, so I quickly learned (or maybe I just came out of the womb this way) how to distance myself from others yet still seem nice and friendly. I try to be a great and loyal friend, but I don't let people into my own heart and get close to me. I never stayed more than a year in one place until high school, so I was always adjusting myself to a new place. Maybe that's why I didn't discover anything about myself earlier- I didn't have time to figure who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I liked. Even after spending 5 years in the same town, I still didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, so maybe it could be because of my gender and sexual preferences (which I'm still figuring out)? That, or maybe I'm just weird after all

 

-I'm half-black, so my hair is curly. It'd look like an Afro if I cut it anywhere shorter than my shoulders/upper back, so I keep it long. Even being past my butt, it still only looks like it's just past my shoulders. I don't mind it being long (though it's a hassle to brush), but I had thought about chopping it off when I was younger and sometimes when I can't get all the snarls out. All the females I see who dress like guys have their hair short... Usually I'll wear my hair down because it tends to gets knotted when up, so I try to avoid that stress at all costs

 

-I've seen a few posts of others who are questioning if they're gender fluid, and most of them mention their name for some reason. I like how my name is unique- I've only met two people with it. I don't really care if it's girly or not. Besides being unique, I'm sort of just "eh". I could care less to be honest

 

-I stay home pretty much except for school, so I don't know what I would even wear in the first place if I did have to go out.

 

-When I think of myself, I don't think girl or boy. I just think me. I'm a pretty chill person, or rather I try to block out anything that will make me upset, so I'm pretty eh, it is what it is about everything...

 

-When I see pictures of gender fluid people looking like both genders, I think how I'd love to do that, but I'm not sure if it's just admiration or if I really want to do that because that's who I am. I don't want to seem like I'm looking for attention, so I want to make sure first before I say that I am... I always thought I was just a tomboy, but I don't if I was just covering something else up...

 

-I don't have a problem being called a girl or girl pronouns. Maybe because I'm already 20, and it's what I've been called my whole life. Maybe not.

 

-I have big boobs. I've gotten used to them by now, so I tend to forget about them unless they're inhibiting me in some way. I've never thought about binding them, but I do hate them sometimes, probably not to the point of cutting them off.

 

-I might have said this already, but there are days when I feel more girly, which usually I'll wear a soft, comfortable and cute dress, and there are days when I feel more tomboyish- usually that one. I'll wear sweats, jeans or some basketball shorts. I like girly things. Very few girly things, so I'd say most of the things I like to do are considered stereotypically for boys- probably already said this

 

-I have tattoos and piercings... don't know if this means anything. Also my hair is black and blue ombré colored...

 

Thanks for reading through all of that! There are probably a lot more things I should add, but I don't know what. I also realize I might not be gender fluid but something else, so I'd really appreciate it if you could shed some light on that too. And I realize the decision is up to me, but it couldn't hurt to be steered in the right path right? I'm just curious and have been thinking about who I am the past few years. More recently about my gender. Knowing this won't make a difference, but I think if I did know, a weight might be lifted off my shoulders? Also, I took the SAGE test and got this result. I don't know how accurate it is...

 

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ChickenPadSeeEew

Hi, welcome!

 

Questioning gender and sexuality - these things can be hard.  

 

The number one way to know whether you are trans or non-binary is: do you always, or have moments in which*, you feel you are another gender different to the one you were assigned at birth? Do you have a deep innate sense of "right now, I am ____(insert gender**)_____ and that gender is different to my biology/assigned gender at birth"? (*some people's genders fluctuate. **gender can equal genderless/agender)

 

So it's not about clothes or interests or who you connect better with.

 

Having said that, I definitely questioned those same things too (clothing, hair, interests, personality, etc) when working out my gender identity. I think it's fairly common to do that (I notice it often in these threads for people who are questioning). I suppose society gave us these gender 'rules' and so, when questioning, we see how we measure up against them in the hope that'll tell us something. Hot tip: it won't! It really comes down to what gender/s you feel you just... are.  

 

Does that make sense?

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Enne Kristin

Welcome! I am a multigender person and I know well how it feels to be questioning. I know that I am not on the binary since my early childhood, but I am still experimenting with labels.

 

ChickenPadSeeEew allready pointed out what is important. what ever label, pronouns, expression you choose for yourself, this is you and valid. If you change, add, drop labels it does not invalidate you, your gender, your identity. Just be yourself.

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9 hours ago, Littlemissno said:

...I'm still learning, so if I offend anyone or get something wrong, please know I don't mean it. I probably just don't know how to write it the best way that shows I mean no malice or that I'm causing it in the first place...

 

 

Hello and welcome! :cake:

 

Just to let you know, there have been studies explaining how miscommunication occurs on the internet, due to only having written words available, rather than in real life, where people are able to hear each others' voices and see their facial expressions; the researchers said that it's not completely, or only the fault of the writer, because it also has to do with the reader's emotional state and the tone the reader chooses to read it in (i.e. if they're feeling angry or offended by something else in their life, they choose to read something in an angry or offended tone, when the writer didn't mean it that way at all, and wrote, in what they thought was a curious, neutral, or conversational tone.)

 

I'm sorry I can't help you further, with what a genderfluid identity is, because I'm questioning myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I could relate to what you wrote (I, too, grew up moving a lot; and was a little confused about my gender identity, partly because, during the moments when I'd be surrounded by angry, abusive, aggressive males, I'd suddenly feel different from them, as though I wasn't male because I was emotional and feeling obviously female in that moment, but during the moments when I'd be surrounded by females who would shriek in fright at small frogs on the sidewalk; talk about liking babies; how attractive they thought boys or celebrities were; how they wanted to have children when they were older; how they disliked gym class and didn't want to play sports; or how much they liked clothes, I suddenly felt as though I were male, not female, in those moments, because I didn't feel the same way they felt about these things.)

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Littlemissno
8 hours ago, ChickenPadSeeEew said:

Hi, welcome!

 

Questioning gender and sexuality - these things can be hard.  

 

The number one way to know whether you are trans or non-binary is: do you always, or have moments in which*, you feel you are another gender different to the one you were assigned at birth? Do you have a deep innate sense of "right now, I am ____(insert gender**)_____ and that gender is different to my biology/assigned gender at birth"? (*some people's genders fluctuate. **gender can equal genderless/agender)

 

So it's not about clothes or interests or who you connect better with.

 

Having said that, I definitely questioned those same things too (clothing, hair, interests, personality, etc) when working out my gender identity. I think it's fairly common to do that (I notice it often in these threads for people who are questioning). I suppose society gave us these gender 'rules' and so, when questioning, we see how we measure up against them in the hope that'll tell us something. Hot tip: it won't! It really comes down to what gender/s you feel you just... are.  

 

Does that make sense?

I feel neutral most of the time like I'm not a girl but not a guy either. I remember times when I was younger and wanted to be a boy, but I'm not sure if thats the same. When I think about myself, I don't really think 'girl' but then there are times where I do and want to wear a dress and do stereotypically girlish things. There are times I clearly feel more masculine, but I'm not sure if that counts. Thanks for replying! Though I'm not sure it made anything clearer on my end haha not that it was supposed to

 

38 minutes ago, sg06 said:

Hello and welcome! :cake:

 

Just to let you know, there have been studies explaining how miscommunication occurs on the internet, due to only having written words available, rather than in real life, where people are able to hear each others' voices and see their facial expressions; the researchers said that it's not completely, or only the fault of the writer, because it also has to do with the reader's emotional state and the tone the reader chooses to read it in (i.e. if they're feeling angry or offended by something else in their life, they choose to read something in an angry or offended tone, when the writer didn't mean it that way at all, and wrote, in what they thought was a curious, neutral, or conversational tone.)

 

I'm sorry I can't help you further, with what a genderfluid identity is, because I'm questioning myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I could relate to what you wrote (I, too, grew up moving a lot; and was a little confused about my gender identity, partly because, during the moments when I'd be surrounded by angry, abusive, aggressive males, I'd suddenly feel different from them, as though I wasn't male because I was emotional and feeling obviously female in that moment, but during the moments when I'd be surrounded by females who would shriek in fright at small frogs on the sidewalk; talk about liking babies; how attractive they thought boys or celebrities were; how they wanted to have children when they were older; how they disliked gym class and didn't want to play sports; or how much they liked clothes, I suddenly felt as though I were male, not female, in those moments, because I didn't feel the same way they felt about these things.)

Yeah I've seen this a lot, so I wanted to clarify. Most times people blame the writer...

 

As for what you said, I can relate to how you're feeling too. I'm mostly around girls in my family now, and when they want to go shopping and look for clothes, I'm uninterested. I hated gym in high school, mostly because I was forced to do what the teachers wanted, but I loved gym in elementary school. I don't really fangirl over celebrities and boys, but sometimes I find myself unable to look away. I'm guessing I'm just attracted to them then. Recently, I notice I do the same things with girls, so that's why I think I'm bi. I'm also finding out I'm attracted to gender fluid people. I loved frogs when I was younger, and it's not like I really care about them now. I don't hate them. I've always liked babies up until about 5, so I've pretty much always wanted kids. I was around abusive and neglectful men early on, and I swore I'd never be like them. I didn't want to be like them.

 

I guess when I'm around boys I don't feel like a girl, so I guess I feel like a guy? But when I'm around females, I either feel like a girl (barely), but other times I don't feel like one. Kinda like I want to protect them...

 

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Littlemissno

I just found out about demigirl and agender. Can someone shed some light on them? Like if you classify yourself as one or the other, how do you feel? What made you think that was the correct identity?

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