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I feel lost.


Gravi

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Hello~ So, I'm kind of coming into this a little bit late I suppose as I'm 32 now and only just beginning to accept it. Most of my life I've wondered if I was asexual, but I have been attracted to people from all over the gender spectrum and I just didn't understand that it was fine to feel that way without sex needing to be a factor. Because of that, I have been in sexual relationships to make my partners happy, despite my insistence that I'm not interested in it otherwise. I felt bullied into participation, pushed to do things I had no desire for or they'd leave. I didn't want to be alone, I still don't, I only wanted someone to hold me, to take my hand and talk to me for hours with the quiet kind of intimacy that has never been possible with anyone I've been with. Anytime I reached out for even the most minute contact it had to escalate for them, and as I got older I simply stopped trying to explain my lack of drive and let them do what they will. I've been married 7 years now and we have a daughter together. He constantly second guesses me by insinuating that my absence of a sex drive is because I don't find him attractive, but I do, just not in the ways he wants or needs me to.

 

I know I'm panromantic, but sexuality is a harder thing to grasp. For so long I thought I was pansexual too and then I noticed that it didn't matter who I was with, I never wanted sex, never initiated it, and always tried to avoid the topic when it was brought up. There are no clear answers as I have felt sexual attraction before, but it was so brief and nothing like the burning desire every one of my friends seems to have for their spouse. It was a fleeting spark of interest that quickly faded when I truly considered whether I wanted sex since that's how everyone I've been with has chosen to demonstrate their love and affection, or just held a yearning for more physical contact, like cuddling, after facing a difficult day.

 

This isn't much of an introduction I suppose. :/ I am relieved to find a community though. It feels incredibly cathartic to have a place to talk about this, even with people I don't know. I've tried to come out to friends and family around me and nobody understands, or they try to convince me I'm having a dry spell (that I've been having since I hit puberty apparently..) and it'll pass. Sometimes I feel broken if that makes any sense? Like, I should want these things and if I keep forcing myself, eventually I might.

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SamwiseLovesLife
3 hours ago, Gravi said:

I have been in sexual relationships to make my partners happy, despite my insistence that I'm not interested in it otherwise. I felt bullied into participation, pushed to do things I had no desire for or they'd leave. I didn't want to be alone, I still don't, I only wanted someone to hold me, to take my hand and talk to me for hours with the quiet kind of intimacy that has never been possible with anyone I've been with. Anytime I reached out for even the most minute contact it had to escalate for them, and as I got older I simply stopped trying to explain my lack of drive and let them do what they will.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that, I hope those days are over now you're aware that it's part of your orientation *hug*

 

3 hours ago, Gravi said:

I know I'm panromantic, but sexuality is a harder thing to grasp. For so long I thought I was pansexual too and then I noticed that it didn't matter who I was with, I never wanted sex, never initiated it, and always tried to avoid the topic when it was brought up. There are no clear answers as I have felt sexual attraction before, but it was so brief and nothing like the burning desire every one of my friends seems to have for their spouse. It was a fleeting spark of interest that quickly faded when I truly considered whether I wanted sex since that's how everyone I've been with has chosen to demonstrate their love and affection, or just held a yearning for more physical contact, like cuddling, after facing a difficult day.

Seems like you might be Panromatic Grey-Ace

 

3 hours ago, Gravi said:

This isn't much of an introduction I suppose. :/ I am relieved to find a community though. It feels incredibly cathartic to have a place to talk about this, even with people I don't know.

We're glad to have you! :cake: Welcome to the sharing circle

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Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! I'm sorry friends and family haven't been very understanding. Maybe you could link them to the front page of AVEN for some "power of the written word". Anyway, you will definitely be understood here! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Hello. I am new to this as well. I am also new to the term "asexual", but the more I read into it, the more it sounds like what I am going through. I have been with my now fiance for 9 years. I was a virgin when I met him at 20 and we had sex about 2 years into the relationship. Even since then, I have been slacking on the sex drive and initiating sex which has caused a problem in our relationship. This seems to be the only problem that we are having between us but it is a big deal. We recently had the discussion of a taking break or considering an open relationship since he is not getting "his needs" from me. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to break up, but I guess i need a better understanding of how asexuals and sexually active men work out? Does it work? Just to add, I know that I only like men and I know that I am attracted to my man. Sex had just never been something of a need for me. I never understood it. Every single guy I talked to broke up with me because of my lacking of a sex drive. He is the first to stay with me this long, but he has also been the most frustrated with it. I just wish that I wanted to have sex as much as he does. When I do initiate something, I sometimes feel fake because I am only doing it for him. He gets more turned on when I actually feel sexy doing the initiation but I don't. In the end, it's all for him. I am searching for advice as to how to handle this.

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