Subliminal Fantasies Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 He doesn't mean too but he does. I convinced myself I wasn't asexual because I feel arousal but I don't want to have sex. But I tried with him because I wasn't sure. After we tried I realised I definitely am asexual. I told him and he said it's alright but he keeps making remarks. Like we do other stuff like bondage and we talk about what's going to happen and sometimes he makes comments about having sex with me and I tried to explain I already feel guilty enough that I'm not satisfying his needs and that he knows already that's off the table! Also I'm okay with an open relationship so it's not like he can't have sex at all. But then he tells me how he doesn't have the skills to pick up someone else and it's like. Well that's not my problem? All I can do is give my permission. And he knows I have anxiety and I have had panic attacks about feeling bad I'm not satisfying him and he knows that. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel guilty but even if I wanted to just forget my preferences and just do him to make him happen that wouldn't work either because (excuse my graphism) it does not fit. I really like him but I can't stand always feeling guilty and like I'm a bad person and that I should force myself to put sex back on the table when I really don't want too. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 IMO, it's time to walk away from that. It sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship and you deserve better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Amaretti Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 I agree with .Lia, given the information. He sounds like he's being manipulative to get what he wants which is super gross. It's a lack of respect towards you and your body at its core. Link to post Share on other sites
Subliminal Fantasies Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 24 minutes ago, .Lia said: IMO, it's time to walk away from that. It sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship and you deserve better than that. He would never intentionally hurt me. He really cares about me. I. I'm not saying I don't respect your opinion but I don't think it's like that. He has some trouble with social cues and other things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Salted Karamel Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 34 minutes ago, Subliminal Fantasies said: He would never intentionally hurt me. He really cares about me. I. I'm not saying I don't respect your opinion but I don't think it's like that. He has some trouble with social cues and other things like that. Whether he means to or not, he's still being manipulative and emotionally abusive. Also, "he doesn't mean it" is pretty much the anthem of abused women everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 8 minutes ago, katydidd said: Also, "he doesn't mean it" is pretty much the anthem of abused women everywhere. This this this. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 He would never intentionally hurt me You know that saying: "Hell is paved with good intentions..." If your partner is hurting you, and you voice this to them--they're moving forward, doing it with intent to hurt you. Unless they're idiots, that is. Them being aware of what they're doing and how its making you feel and still doing it, showcases a disregard for your feelings. Them being unaware, is grounds for the "they didn't intend to" route. Relationships are all about compromise. He wants sex. You don't. He's adamant about his needs, and you are about yours. Typically, this works out in the long run, in one meeting the other halfway. You're still experimenting with him, showcasing your willingness. He has yet to do so, in return. Taking sex off the table doesn't seem like something this guy could handle long term. Doesn't make him a horrible person, but you also need to realize it doesn't make you one, either. Him trying to make you feel as such, even after you voiced this to him--*is* manipulative. Him continuing to pressure you and you eventually caving in, will result in two scenarios. You being miserable, or you walking away, due to his not caring for how you feel. If you have self-esteem issues, you'll be one miserable person, who doesn't feel like they deserve better. If its bothering you this much, you should be clear to him about how it makes you feel. Love is a choice. Neither of you are obliged to stay. My advice to you, is no love is worth sacrificing who you are, to be in. Sacrifice is always one sided. Compromise, is team work. You're a team, and there's no I...you know the saying. Link to post Share on other sites
in.visible Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 I agree to what everyone has written here. It's quite common not to notice when someone is manipulative or emotionally abusive. My ex was like that and I was the only one who defended him and only afterwards I realised how unhealthy our relationship was. Thing is, when someone makes you feel bad all the time, it's not good, not healthy for you. Then it's time to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Zsareph Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 9 hours ago, Subliminal Fantasies said: I told him and he said it's alright but he keeps making remarks. he makes comments about having sex with me and I tried to explain I already feel guilty enough that I'm not satisfying his needs and that he knows already that's off the table! But then he tells me how he doesn't have the skills to pick up someone else he knows I have anxiety and I have had panic attacks about feeling bad I'm not satisfying him and he knows that. I can't stand always feeling guilty and like I'm a bad person and that I should force myself to put sex back on the table when I really don't want too. Just thought I'd highlight some phrases that I found concerning. First of all, if he keeps bringing sex up in conversation (or the lack of it), that would suggest to me that he is not actually alright with it, the rest of your post only supports this for me. It sounds like you've already explained that a) you don't want sex, b) his actions are making you feel guilty about it, in some cases to the point of panic attacks, and c) you are ok with him satisfying his need for sex elsewhere. In quite a few sections you've said he knows this, implying that this isn't a misunderstanding but rather that he either thinks he can change your mind, or simply doesn't care. Both of these would suggest that he isnt taking you or what you say seriously. The whole "he tells me how he doesn't have the skills to pick up someone else" to me pretty much translates to an excuse to make you feel like he needs to have sex with YOU and you specifically. As you said, this isn't your problem, but he's trying to make you feel like it is. And from the sounds of it, you're starting to believe it. Why should you feel "guilty" for having a choice in whether you have sex or not? You've even given him a situation where he can still have sex without losing you as a romantic partner, you've already tried to compromise. Why does that make you a "bad person"? He is the one who wants you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing and would rather push you to the point of panic attacks than respect your decision because it would be 'too hard' to find someone else to have sex with. Worse still he's making you feel like YOU'RE mistreating HIM. I know you've already said you don't think he's manipulative or abusive and he doesn't mean to do it. Maybe there's a possibility that we've all read this wrong and that his actions are an unfortunate consequence of some misunderstanding and he doesn't know he's hurting you, as unlikely as I find it. Even if that's were the case, it is still hurting you. You only have to look at the title you chose, it's not you or your asexuality that's making you feel guilty, it's him. Whether he means it or not, this is a problem and it's his responsibility to stop. If you've told him how you feel and he continues to pressure you, despite knowing what it's doing to you, I strongly suggest that you consider whether the relationship is worth the damage it's doing you. I'm sorry you are having to go through this and I hope you are able to see that none of this is your fault, you should not feel guilty for wanting to be respected as a human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Subliminal Fantasies Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 Thank you everyone. I will have a talk with him and suggest we break up due to the fact that like one of you said, this indicates he's not okay with no sex in the long term. I really don't want too but I feel like I di have to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Éadweard Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Once again the other person is made out to be the bad guy. There are two sides to every story and I'm sure his would be different. Relationships go two ways. Asexuals, however, seem to always feel they're one way and that by just saying the word the other person is expected to ignore their needs and change. This is why I'm single. I know what I can't offer someone else. I don't try to date them anyway and change who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Subliminal Fantasies Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 37 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said: Once again the other person is made out to be the bad guy. There are two sides to every story and I'm sure his would be different. Relationships go two ways. Asexuals, however, seem to always feel they're one way and that by just saying the word the other person is expected to ignore their needs and change. This is why I'm single. I know what I can't offer someone else. I don't try to date them anyway and change who they are. That's not exactly fair. I wasn't sure I was asexual when I started dating him and he kind of pushed me into dating him when I wasn't ready. When I told him I was asexual he said it was alright. But then he made me feel bad. I didn't go into it trying to change him. Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Just putting my 2cents in You are right to end it if it is making you this upset. In the same way that you didn't realise you were asexual; it is entirely possible he didn't realise how important sex was to him when he originally told you it was ok. People make mistakes, and that's fine. However, in light of him very obviously needing more from you than you can give; it is best to end it before either (or likely, both) of you get hurt. Equally; it is obviously for te both of you to decide. So talking and bringing this up is a very hard step; but definitely a right one Hope it goes well no matter the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
in.visible Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Rhaenys Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 On 2017-6-25 at 8:07 PM, Subliminal Fantasies said: But then he tells me how he doesn't have the skills to pick up someone else. Yet he has the skills to be a manipulative Everyone else said what I was going to so if you talked to him I can only wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.