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Struggling with a high-sex boyfriend


Chill78

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I'm really struggling with this. My boyfriend of 4 years has a high sex drive and we have weekly fights because I don't try anything on with him. I just can't get turned on by anyone. Sex is boring and something I have to psych myself up for. He says he doesn't feel attractive if I don't want to have sex with him, I've explained that I'm asexual but this is something I have to "fix" to be normal. I do love him, we live together, etc. but I am so tired of the constant fighting, blaming, score keeping ("it's now been 4 weeks since we had sex, that's a new record, even for us!"). How do I make this work? Can I make this work?

And it's not just the frequency, apparently I don't talk enough, make enough noises, interact enough, etc. during sex. So not only am I not initiating enough, when we do have sex, I'm not doing it properly...

 

ps apologies for posting this in the welcome lounge too.

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swirl_of_blue

Does he really understand what being asexual means, and that it's not something that can be (or needs to be ) fixed? Relationships between sexuals and asexuals do usually require quite a lot of compromising, and if you have been having sex with him regularly I think you have certainly done your part on that! It sounds a bit weird that he would like you to "take more part", as he has to know that you would be just acting and faking! I have always thought that sexual people liked sex being noisy etc because it is a signal that the partner is enjoying, but if both partners know it's just an act there wouldn't be much point... It sounds to me like he's not really comfortable knowing you don't desire him and wants you to act like you do, and I don't think that's fair. It would help if you were able to have a good, civil conversation about sex with no blaming, but even so I have to admit I'm not feeling very hopeful for you. But since your relationship is what I would call rather long-term I'm sure it is still worth trying!

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Rubyballoon

Hmm

 

I'm in a cross-orientation relationship as well and it can be hard. I'm very lucky in that I'm relatively neutral in my opinion of sex. I find it boring. I'd rather read a book/ eat cake/ do any number of other things and skip straight to the cuddles, but it's inoffensive to me and that keeps the peace.

 

There is a lot of compromise involved. A lot of the time I feel my boyfriend got a raw deal and I go out of my way to try and make things as easy as possible. I think I'm luckier than you in that my boyfriend hasn't as high a sex drive as yours from what I can see in your post (we also don't live together). Once or twice a week and everyone is happy. I can't bring myself to be vocal. I do see that as lying to myself and to him. He knows I'm quiet. He also knows he's never made me orgasm (possibly TMI sorry!) and that I'm perfectly okay with that and it is absolutely not his fault nor a big deal.

 

I think we make it work because I can find enjoyment in what it does for him. I do love sex for that. I like making him feel good and I find if I connect to that part of it it can actually be a relatively pleasant experience. I love the cuddles that come after it and how open it leaves us. I think all you can do is try your best to find the positives and enjoy them. If he feels you're connected to at least that much if not the act itself he'll feel less unattractive and vulnerable. If that's something you can 'like' about sex then he'll feel you get something from it too, even if it isn't necessarily the same thing he gets.

 

That's how we get by anyway, and it works for us ^_^:cake:

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Chill, neither of you are going to be able to change how you  feel about sex.  You don't want it; he does.  That will always be a problem, and  since it  bleeds off into other areas of the relationship, a big problem.  

 

Are you sure that this relationship is good for both/either of you?  

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21 hours ago, Chill78 said:

Can I make this work?

Eh... no. He doesn't get it, and your description doesn't sound like he's even trying. He wants something that you are not, and will never be. Let go.

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Member116379

I don't think the relationship is good for either of you to be honest. He wants something you can't give him and he should not expect you to force it or do anything you don't want to. Doesn't sound healthy at all to me. Maybe you've got to seriously consider ending things?

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Member116379

But to be fair, I'm in a relationship with a heterosexual male who is incredibly understanding, so I realise that I'm very lucky and things aren't always that easy

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Let's not make him the bad guy because he likes sex. As an asexual you knew what you were getting into, so the fact it's not working out isn't all on him. You expect him to change but are offended if he wants you to change. Relationships aren't one-sided. But I've noticed a lot of asexuals think they are. There's a general feeling that if you tell people you're asexual it means they are REQUIRED to accommodate your needs and that the asexual is the only person in the relationship that matters. 

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35 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

Let's not make him the bad guy because he likes sex. As an asexual you knew what you were getting into, so the fact it's not working out isn't all on him. You expect him to change but are offended if he wants you to change. Relationships aren't one-sided. But I've noticed a lot of asexuals think they are. There's a general feeling that if you tell people you're asexual it means they are REQUIRED to accommodate your needs and that the asexual is the only person in the relationship that matters. 

I don't think anyone here has shown that they think it's the  sexual's fault, or that the sexual has to accommodate the asexual.  What people have said is that the two parties are very different in what they want/don't want, and the relationship may not be good for either of them.   

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

I don't think anyone here has shown that they think it's the  sexual's fault, or that the sexual has to accommodate the asexual.  What people have said is that the two parties are very different in what they want/don't want, and the relationship may not be good for either of them.   

Maybe you should re-read some of the comments. Like these:

 

Eh... no. He doesn't get it, and your description doesn't sound like he's even trying. He wants something that you are not, and will never be. Let go.

 

He wants something you can't give him and he should not expect you to force it or do anything you don't want to.

 

 

This community encourages asexuals to try to form relationships with those who aren't asexual. In fact, that's the new normal for anyone who is asexual. If you are an asexual who chooses to remain single because you don't want to deal with any added stress that will come from these relationships, you are ostracized and told you MUST call yourself aromantic and then told to distance yourself because your choices are causing problems for all the asexuals who want to form "romantic" relationships.

 

 

 
 
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59 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

This community encourages asexuals to try to form relationships with those who aren't asexual.

 

Who says???   If by "this community" you mean AVEN, AVEN does nothing of the sort.  Nor have I seen any individual posters on AVEN encourage that either.   

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16 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

Maybe you should re-read some of the comments. Like these:


Yes, that was my comment. To me, it looks like it's "his fault" for not trying. I may be wrong of course. And I'll try to phrase more carefully in the future. But you shouldn't generalize my single comment. I'm a newbie here, and not representative of the community :-)

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Thinking about it some more, I tend to take the side of the person which is posting. So if the guy had posted here, I might have recommended that he end the relationship, and maybe given the impression that it's her "fault" :-) It's not about who's fault it is. It's about whether it can work, and whether it's worth the effort.

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19 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

Let's not make him the bad guy because he likes sex.

He's not the 'bad guy' because he likes sex.  What makes him the 'bad guy' is his constant criticisms of their lack of frequency, lack of initiation, lack of talking during sex, etc. after the OP already explained to him that she is asexual.   

 

No one is obligated to have sex.  Doesn't matter what their orientation is or their relationship status is.  Even if you're married, you're not obligated to have sex a certain way, at a certain 'frequency'.  And you absolutely don't get to pressure, coerce, manipulate or deceive anyone into having sex, PERIOD. 

 

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As an asexual you knew what you were getting into, so the fact it's not working out isn't all on him.

Her boyfriend also knew what he was getting into, so it's not "all on her", either.  But the fact that he's pressuring her and criticizing her into having more sex IS all on him. 

 

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You expect him to change but are offended if he wants you to change

The OP gave no indication that she wants HIM to change.  In fact, she asks, "How can *I* make this work?  Can *I* make this work?"  From my vantage point, she seems determined to discover what she can do or what they BOTH can do.  She didn't ask, "What can I do TO 'GET' HIM TO..." so she's not coming across as trying to 'control' HIM. 

 

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Relationships aren't one-sided. But I've noticed a lot of asexuals think they are.

A lot of sexuals think this way, too.

 

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There's a general feeling that if you tell people you're asexual it means they are REQUIRED to accommodate your needs and that the asexual is the only person in the relationship that matters

Once again, orientation doesn't matter.  What matters is that the other person DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX.  If you want to have sex, you have the right to seek a relationship where the other person also wants sex.  However, if someone doesn't want to have sex, society IS "required" to accommodate and respect their wishes.  Otherwise, it's called rape. 

 

If the OP already told her boyfriend that she is asexual, and what that means, then it's up to her boyfriend to determine if he can live with the infrequency of sex.  If he can't, it's up to HIM to either change or exit the relationship.   

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