Being in an asexual relationship

[John72]

Hello everyone. I have been in a relationship on and off with my girlfriend for 4 years. We dated for 6 months before breaking our relationship off due to her leaving for college. However, once she was back, we resumed our relationship for going on 1 year. Since getting back together, we have had not had sex. Prior to this, I was her first and we would have sex once a week but I had noticed she was not into it. Fast forward to now, she had finally come to terms with her being asexual. While she is still finding out where she is in the spectrum (as well as other complications), she knows deep down that she does not have the drive to have sex. She admits that she loves to kiss and cuddle with me but the idea of sex does appeal to her. Recently, she admitted that she feels bad at the idea that I cannot express myself sexually with her and believes she is holding me back. I do not feel remorse that I cannot express my sexual feelings for her because she fulfills me emotionally more than any of my other relationships in the past (over 30 yrs old).

 

We both love each other. I want her to be my wife someday and willing to make this work. While we figure out more about her own feelings, what are some things that successful asexual-sexual relationships have done to maintain their relationships. Through random questions about this topic, she has expressed not having a problem with me seeking "sexual relief" with other women. I also feel I could easily separate sex and emotions (have done so in the past). Any tips would be much appreciated

[Lem0n.Face]

im new to asexuality, but from what i read your already doing better than 97% of most people in your situation haha. most people break it off, and refuse to cooperate cause there partner does not feel sex drive. your doing great, the only advice i have is to keep that loving attitude toward her

[GLRDT]

 

Here are two comments I wrote answering your question on tips (or at least what is working for me and my boyfriend at the moment) and you might find these threads useful in general!

[gner0]

As someone on the asexual side of a sexual-asexual relationship, I really felt intimidated and uncomfortable about the whole topic. If there's any tips I can give, I would say please be patient and understanding even if you don't understand. My partner and I had a lot of fights, A LOT, even though he said he was fine with my asexuality from the start. I think it's easy to think, "oh yea it's not that big of a deal or we can do it occasionally" but having sex isn't simple for all asexuals. It can be humiliating, uncomfortable, intrusive and confusing. We might force ourselves to do something we don't want to because we are afraid of losing or hurting the person we care about. We might hate sex because we feel forced to do it. My partner would get mad at me when I would ask to take a break from sex. He'd claim to not understand because he knew I didn't enjoy it. He'd wonder why I would force myself if I hated it so much. He said he felt bad he made me do it and guilty for wanting to have sex with me anyway. There were just always changing and difficult emotions around it. 

 

I found that talking about it, even if we felt lots of emotions, was important. We talk about how we want affection to be received. We talk about what language of love we respond best to. Heck, we negotiate! One time I said we can have sex on national holidays! That way we both knew and I wouldn't have to be scared of coming over because I wasn't in the mood. Or, if he gets sex, I get dinner at my fav restaurant. We talk about the meaning of sex in our relationship. For us, it's more of a maintenance than a source of affection. We both found we felt more affectionate when we sent each other affirmations or expressed our appreciation for one another. Or when we hugged. I can't iterate how important talking about it is, even if it is hard. There were conversations we avoided and honestly caused problems in our relationship because of it. Sometimes, the whole thing was a mess. But looking back and looking at our relationship now, I would say we are finding a good balance and understanding of one another and I feel more and more comfortable asking for breaks. 

 

As far as the sexual partner and separating those emotions, be careful. It's totally possible but I know a lot of asexuals in sexual relationships that will have sex just for the emotional part of it. It really can be an intimate thing and I've heard stories of people having separate sexual relationship and it actually not being okay. There can be guilt on the asexual's side, I remember telling my partner "maybe you should date a cute sexual girl instead" often when I felt unable to give him that same affection. I'm not saying it's not possible, I just would suggest talking A LOT about it and seeing where you guys are at before trying it. It can make or break a relationship. I wish you luck and hope you are able to find the information you need! Just being on this site and posting is an awesome step that I wish my partner would do!  

 

 

[John72]

Thank you everyone for your input. So useful in helping me understand where my asexual girlfriend is coming from. We have not had sex since early 2014 so its safe to say I can wait haha. Communication is very much something I want to keep emphasizing. Aside from her asexuality, she can be difficult to speak to due to her upbringing and overall personality. But I know she is trying her best. I will 100% give her the time to figure out what she wants to do with this relationship. As far as the open relationship thing, it is not something I prefer. I have just seen it on other posts and it is just something to consider, once we have established more of what her feelings are. But that is a method to use with caution. She has just told me that one of her biggest concerns is feeling bad due to "limiting me" or "not being able to express a side of myself with her". Maybe we could compromises down the road. Again, thank you all for the information and time taken to give advise to me

[GLRDT]

6 hours ago, John72 said:

Thank you everyone for your input. So useful in helping me understand where my asexual girlfriend is coming from. We have not had sex since early 2014 so its safe to say I can wait haha. Communication is very much something I want to keep emphasizing. Aside from her asexuality, she can be difficult to speak to due to her upbringing and overall personality. But I know she is trying her best. I will 100% give her the time to figure out what she wants to do with this relationship. As far as the open relationship thing, it is not something I prefer. I have just seen it on other posts and it is just something to consider, once we have established more of what her feelings are. But that is a method to use with caution. She has just told me that one of her biggest concerns is feeling bad due to "limiting me" or "not being able to express a side of myself with her". Maybe we could compromises down the road. Again, thank you all for the information and time taken to give advise to me

Completely up to you, but if you want communication to improve from both of you, this is the most amazing book of all time and would help anyone no matter how good they already are at communication. It's called Difficult Conversations How To Discuss What Matters Most. I recommend it for anyone who wants to change their life for the better in every aspect of communicating in any relationship. Here's a link to it! Best of luck! https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=D5HxtvaRzdwC&source=productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gclid=CPGClsmQ49QCFSb3MgodFtECUQ&gclsrc=ds&dclid=CKeLmMmQ49QCFRc4TwodK2sLpw