Jump to content

Bathrooms&Fear


Zoningout

Recommended Posts

I've gotten to the stage in my transition where I've run into a little bit of a problem that problem being bathrooms when I was in the beginning stages of my transition I didn't have a big problem with bathrooms they subject did come up into my mind but it wasn't something I really had to deal with just yet it was more anxiety than anything over the thought that i may have to use the bathroom one day and there may not be a gender neutral bathroom to be using. Then today happened six months on testosterone I have a deep voice and facial changes you can definitely tell I have a small mustache it's nothing huge but I'm pretty sure a female would not consider me one of them if they looked at my face or heard my voice and I would probably end up scaring somebody or getting yelled at and that is not a situation i want to be apart of so iv'e avoided going into bathrooms. I'm also scared of going into the men's bathroom because all my life I've gone into the woman's bathroom it sort of became where i was comfortable being that probably sounds weird it's just I've never gone into a men's bathroom for even a second in my life time

with that being said, yea it scares me. Scared of the men's bathroom because I might have the voice and facial features but I know I don't have the understanding of men's language and gestures I also and don't have that little lump in my throat that shows i'm a guy and i'm scared they may notice. Or what if someone knows  me?! I'm in a very small town so it can definitely happen and it would not surprise me. Maybe this is just a bunch of jumbled up anxiety that I haven't been able to overcome and I would probably agree with you but to a certain extent I wouldn't because it's true at least some of it is and I know some of this is not related to my anxiety it's actual fears because I guarantee you it could happen. I should probably get to the point before I start rambling even more than I was basically when I walked into the bathroom today to adjust my binder it was the first time that I had done this in a very long time and I had to do this because it was bothering me on top of the fact actually needed to use the bathroom . I was terrified I was actually so scared I found myself only in the bathroom with one person and that's great but I literally made sure I was not facing her Direction so she could not see my face and walked quickly into the bathroom waited till she left then ran out as soon as possible so nobody noticed, then the mens bathroom caught my eye because it was open halfway and sounded silent, but i wasn't sure i wanted so badly to peak in just so i'd have a idea if stalls where inside this bathroom so the next time i went maybe i "Could" just maybe i "Could" build up courage to go into the correct bathroom instead. But that failed because too scared and I guess it failed for good reason because if my mother would have came around the corner she would have ended up seeing that I had entered the male bathroom and as she is decently understanding I don't think she would have necessarily understood or wanted to see me go into the men's bathroom without having a fit over the fact for some reason in her mind I shouldn't go into that bathroom. Because I have a friend that's coming over in about a week and there's going to be a time where we're both taking a very long walk and happen to come across the store and needing to use the bathroom it's quite common and I'm terrified I don't know why I guess I'm scared that I'm going to be so focused on hanging out with her that I'm not going to run fast enough for someone not to catch my face! or what if somebody notices me! basically all the same fears. it's more strong than before when I think about being with her not because she does anything particularly wrong just because I'm terrified of entering the men's bathroom but I know I can't follow her in which puts me in a position of not having a bathroom to use if I need one and well we all know you can't hold your bladder forever!?

 

Help me get confidence? 

Give me advice to be braver?

What got you the confidence to use the bathroom you prefer? 

How did your experience go?

Link to post
Share on other sites
AwkwardAxolotl

Take a breath. It's normal to be scared of going into the bathroom you're not accustomed to using.

 

One of the advantages of the men's bathroom is that no one talks to each other, or even really looks at anyone else in the bathroom, so other people are less likely to notice if you have a few features that seem to you like they'd hurt your chances of passing. Additionally, people see what they expect to see, so if you act like you belong in the men's room, they won't question your right to be there. Even if you're not confident, just pretend you are, it works wonders.

 

If you're nervous about going in the first time, I'd suggest going into a men's room somewhere you're not likely to know anyone, and go with a male friend if you have one willing to go with you.

 

As to how my experience went, my first time in the men's bathroom was two months after I came out to my parents, I was with them at the Boston Aquarium. I hadn't even changed my name yet, let alone started T. My family was still a little hesitant about my gender, so when we all decided we needed a bathroom break, I just marched right into the men's bathroom as a non-verbal this-is-how-it's-going-to-be-get-used-to-it. My dad freaked out a little about the idea of going into the bathroom where his "daughter" was, so it took him a few minutes to enter the bathroom after me, but my brother just wandered in behind me like everything was normal. I've never had strangers question whether I was in the right bathroom or not. People I've known have done so occasionally, but strangers never picked up on it, even though I used the men's bathroom for six months before starting T.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, AwkwardAxolotl said:

Take a breath. It's normal to be scared of going into the bathroom you're not accustomed to using.

 

One of the advantages of the men's bathroom is that no one talks to each other, or even really looks at anyone else in the bathroom, so other people are less likely to notice if you have a few features that seem to you like they'd hurt your chances of passing. Additionally, people see what they expect to see, so if you act like you belong in the men's room, they won't question your right to be there. Even if you're not confident, just pretend you are, it works wonders.

 

If you're nervous about going in the first time, I'd suggest going into a men's room somewhere you're not likely to know anyone, and go with a male friend if you have one willing to go with you.

 

As to how my experience went, my first time in the men's bathroom was two months after I came out to my parents, I was with them at the Boston Aquarium. I hadn't even changed my name yet, let alone started T. My family was still a little hesitant about my gender, so when we all decided we needed a bathroom break, I just marched right into the men's bathroom as a non-verbal this-is-how-it's-going-to-be-get-used-to-it. My dad freaked out a little about the idea of going into the bathroom where his "daughter" was, so it took him a few minutes to enter the bathroom after me, but my brother just wandered in behind me like everything was normal. I've never had strangers question whether I was in the right bathroom or not. People I've known have done so occasionally, but strangers never picked up on it, even though I used the men's bathroom for six months before starting T.

i dont got them kind of connections or i would my only friend is female, i think i may try having her stand outside the door though. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know. Would it help you get over your anxiety about using the men's restroom if you built yourself up to it by just staying in the restroom for one second (or 30, perhaps), then leaving, and then, the next time, staying in for a little longer such as 2 seconds (or 1 minute, if you originally started at 30 seconds), slowly working up to staying there each time, longer and longer, until you don't feel uncomfortable about it, anymore?

 

I think there've been a couple of times I've accidently, briefly, entered men's restrooms, when looking for the women's, and thought, "Other than the urinals, this doesn't look so different from women's restrooms."

 

I don't know whether this will help, but, whenever I told my cis, male relatives about how women have looked at me and gossiped about how they thought I was male, or when women would stare at me as I entered the women's restroom, they laughed at how ridiculous that was and told me that, in their experience of entering men's restrooms, men don't pay attention or care about inspecting or looking at each other. 

 

I think entering with another person helps calm other people's fears, especially women's; when I'm with another female relative, I haven't noticed women looking at me at all in the women's restroom. But, I don't understand why they have to be scared or suspicious of women who do things alone or by themselves. I've read quite a few cis females say that they were brought up to always fear being raped by males, so, I guess, they're more on high alert than men, as far as looking at everyone who comes into restrooms.

 

I think, if I were trans, I'd be glad to use the men's restroom, just to not be stared at by other women, anymore, whenever I enter.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can understand your fear sice you are not accustome to entering mens room.  I have sort of issues now with my breast implants. Being a guy with noticable breasts especially in the summer (my first summer with them) it is somewhat difficult at times using the mens room especailly when its crowded. I avoid it when it looks busy if i must go in wait for a break and hit the stalls. if its not crowded go in do my business and leave or wait if anyone else comes in and then leave. Men don't talk or look at eachother so you should not have as much as a proble as you think

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte

Bathroom anxiety is definitely completely normal, especially at the point you're at in your transition. By that point, I felt like I was really passing, but I was still nervous about crowded bathrooms. My biggest hurdle was actually using the men's room in the school of music, because I knew basically everyone in the program, but my haphazard way of socially transitioning made me nervous about running into people in the men's room who didn't know. I exclusively used gender-neutral bathrooms for a good while there. I actually made "use that men's bathroom" a New Year's Resolution, which was ~8 months into HRT. Apparently, a lot of musicians throw social rules to the wind, because my friends and professors actually engaged me in friendly conversation in the men's room. :P 

 

My rambling aside, the more you use the men's room, the more your anxiety will fade. At 6 months, you're probably passing better than you think. That said, be sure to go at your own pace. You'll find your comfort with time :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams
On 6/23/2017 at 7:19 PM, Zoningout said:

Help me get confidence? 

Give me advice to be braver?

What got you the confidence to use the bathroom you prefer? 

How did your experience go?

I'm not sure I or anyone else can help you get confidence or be braver. It's one of those things that you have to sort of internally build yourself to doing and go for it. It does build though. The first time will be brutally hard. I cried for an hour. The second time is a little less bad. The third time is a little less bad than that, and so on. There will always be wildcards. You'll always have some amount of worry about it in the back of your mind.

 

What made me actually do it was going on a trip by myself where I new I'd be forced to use the bathroom, and using the men's room wouldn't be an option. Simply because I looked far too feminine. But I was still afraid to use the women's room.

 

Since then I've had to do it a few more times. Once I had a friend who went with me to make it a bit easier. The most recent time, I was back at my alma mater giving a talk and I had to use the bathroom by myself in a building I'd spent so much time in. It went ok. I was nervous, but I did ok. I was mostly focused on how totally gross that bathroom was.

 

I think there's a lot of hype going around from people on the bathroom issue right now, and to me, it only makes things worse. I don't think most people care one way or another, but when we as trans people get slammed by all this talk about it, it's easy to feel like most people are not on our side. The truth, I think, is that most people aren't with us or against us. Most people don't give a shit (no pun intended). That said, it's still difficult. It's hard to get over it. But using the appropriate bathroom is a big part of socially transitioning. Maybe it's not a glamorous part, but it's an important part. And reminding myself of that was one of the things that has helped me push through the fear. Because there are lots of fears associated with transitioning, and I've pushed my way though many of them. This is just another one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Every men's room I've ever been in has had stalls as well as urinals (unless it was single occupancy). I prefer to use the stalls myself. I know some other guys do, too. I agree with the others who said guys generally don't really look at or talk to strangers in restrooms. I have been in a few women's restrooms, too, when I have been dressed en femme. It is nerve-wracking, but it's also true if you go in like you belong, do your business and don't hang around then you should be fine. I haven't had any problems (but maybe I've only done it in places where it is less likely to be an issue, like more liberal west coast cities; not sure I'd feel the same in places like North Carolina and Texas).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Even when a child, I would sometimes use the men's restrooms if the women's bathrooms had a line.  It's never really bothered me unless I knew someone else in the restroom.  Nobody has ever spoken to me in the men's restroom, but there are rarely many other people in the restroom since typically if I use a men's restroom its because it did not have a line to get in.  The one time I had a problem was when a bunch of women going in the women's restroom tried to prevent me from entering the men's restroom.  I'd suggest starting in less crowded restrooms and just act like you belong there until you actually feel like you do.  Also, I have no idea why, but the men's restrooms I've been in have always been nicer/cleaner than the corresponding women's restrooms.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams
14 hours ago, daveb said:

It is nerve-wracking, but it's also true if you go in like you belong, do your business and don't hang around then you should be fine.

It's very encouraging to hear this. Thank you for sharing <3

 

Something I always forget is that from when I was 6 to when I was 14, I never used a bathroom while I was at school. I was so afraid of being in the boy's room. For nearly 8 hours every day? This led to a lot of discomfort and planning and many near accidents. I wish someone had noticed and reached out so I could've gotten help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan

In my experience,  I only use unisex disabled one box restrooms which are the only bathrooms I feel safe inside and people bother very little, also I try to go to them when people's not looking at, bc when they see I have no visible disabilities they can get angry at me for using it. But anyway it's better than using the gendered bathrooms bc:

 

  1. In the feminine bathroom, I'll make women feel uncomfortable and I can get in trouble.
  2. In the masculine bathroom I'm Hella uncomfortable,  srly you don't know how scary masculine public bathrooms are, people shouldn't even let poor little boys go there alone.
  3. I Don't want to enter Transgender restricted boxes either bc people know you are there alone and they can hurt you, also these bathrooms out you.
  4. Gendered disabled bathroom one boxes make me psychologically uncomfortable .
Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...