Never wanted a dream wedding or kids

[Willgracefan]

I recently discovered the term "asexual" and have somewhat accepted that this term relates to me (I'm in my mid-30's why I'm only learning this now, I have no idea) Because of this revelation I've been going through my past and thinking of situations and feelings that I've had that are "asexual-ish) 

A biggie for me was I never planned a dream wedding in my head. I guess I thought I'd get married cause that's what people do but I was never wedding crazy. I also can't remember ever wanting kids. Right before I found asexuality I came to terms that I'd be alone and childless. Maybe never thinking of getting married and not wanting kids was because I was always asexual and something in me knew it. Can anyone related. Do you want kids? I'm not crazy for not wanting them, right?! 

[3ryry3]

Have you heard of aromantic?  It's the lack of romantic attraction. I never wanted to date or get married I never understood the point honestly. I don't understand what romantic attraction was ever suppose to feel like or how come some people can look another person and just see themselves with them forever. So I really understand where you're coming from on that way. I'm also asexual, sex was never a thing to me. I do want kids though. I hope this helps??? 

[Willgracefan]

Thanks!  3ryry3 Your response brought up thought that I've always had. While I'm so happy and grateful that my parents are still happy and together I could never understand how two people could be around each other for so long. I'd go crazy! So while I like to think that I was on the romantic scale maybe you're right and I'm aromantic as well. 

[3ryry3]

5 minutes ago, Willgracefan said:

Thanks!  3ryry3 Your response brought up thought that I've always had. While I'm so happy and grateful that my parents are still happy and together I could never understand how two people could be around each other for so long. I'd go crazy! So while I like to think that I was on the romantic scale maybe you're right and I'm aromantic as well. 

That's awesome and totally okay! I could only imagine having a friend I saw maybe 4 times a week forever not a partner hahaha. But maybe you're both asexual and aromantic. You'll find more details about the terms here and plenty of support. I'm glad I could help ! 

[vega57]

42 minutes ago, Willgracefan said:

I recently discovered the term "asexual" and have somewhat accepted that this term relates to me (I'm in my mid-30's why I'm only learning this now, I have no idea) Because of this revelation I've been going through my past and thinking of situations and feelings that I've had that are "asexual-ish) 

A biggie for me was I never planned a dream wedding in my head. I guess I thought I'd get married cause that's what people do but I was never wedding crazy. I also can't remember ever wanting kids. Right before I found asexuality I came to terms that I'd be alone and childless. Maybe never thinking of getting married and not wanting kids was because I was always asexual and something in me knew it. Can anyone related. Do you want kids? I'm not crazy for not wanting them, right?! 

I recently did something similar.  I realized that while my friends were talking about getting married, having kids, I never dreamed of my wedding day...walking down the aisle in a long white dress.  Lots of friends and family around.  Dancing at my reception.  Going on a honeymoon.

 

Naaaaah. 

 

I did end up getting married and I did have children. The wedding(s) were in front of the Justice of the Peace.  No long white dress or friends and family around. 

 

 But as for the rest of it ("regular" sex) I could have done without.  Simply had no interest.  I DID have interest in affection, such as kissing, holding hands, cuddling.  As for actual sex, I would have been perfectly content to do it once in a while (like once or twice a year...maybe) , or even never again outside of the purpose of becoming pregnant. 

 

 

[awesomazingizzy]

29 minutes ago, Willgracefan said:

 A biggie for me was I never planned a dream wedding in my head. I guess I thought I'd get married cause that's what people do but I was never wedding crazy. I also can't remember ever wanting kids. Right before I found asexuality I came to terms that I'd be alone and childless. Maybe never thinking of getting married and not wanting kids was because I was always asexual and so,ething in me knew it. Can't anyone related. Do you want kids? I'm not crazy for not wanting them, right?! 

Like you, I was never wedding crazy.  My sisters and friends would always talk about their "dream weddings" (they still kinda do) but I never gave it much thought.  I just assumed that I'd get married one day because I figured that that's what people do.  I went through a phase where I kinda dreamed about motherhood but I never exactly wanted to have children of my own.  I kind of see myself in the future as being a really cool aunt to my nieces and nephews instead of an actual parent with my own kids.  I'm also asexual and on the aromantic spectrum and I also accepted the fact that I'd most likely never get married or have kids way before I identified as either of those identities; like you said, I kinda just knew.

Anyway, I'd say that you're not crazy for not wanting kids because it's a sentiment shared by many people and I'd like to think that we're all pretty sane 

[Janus the Fox]

1 hour ago, 3ryry3 said:

Have you heard of aromantic?  It's the lack of romantic attraction. I never wanted to date or get married I never understood the point honestly. I don't understand what romantic attraction was ever suppose to feel like or how come some people can look another person and just see themselves with them forever. So I really understand where you're coming from on that way. I'm also asexual, sex was never a thing to me. I do want kids though. I hope this helps??? 

I'm a romantic but never thought or plan on having a wedding or kids at all.  It is not a thing that is natural for me.  I could see being with a person for a long time but never forever, that's rather naive to me.  Also asexual but have sex for romantic development reason with a sexual, being in a homo-romantic mixed relationship.

[JayDee1212]

I'm a romantic myself and enjoy dating, and would probably like to get married someday as well when I'm ready. But I don't consider it crucial to my future happiness to get married or anything. And if I do get married I definitely don't want a "big white wedding", ugh. I'd want something very small, as I don't like a ton of attention on myself and weddings have always made me oddly uncomfortable for some reason. I'd want it very very small, only my closest friends and family maybe...but honestly I could see myself eloping as well. No pressure, just me and the person I love....

 

But as far as kids...I don't know. I'm not really great with kids myself, but I think I'd love my own of course. But I also want to focus on my career and work full time throughout my life. So if I did, my partner would probably have to be the primary caregiver when they're younger, and be the nurturing one lol, honestly I'm much better with older kids then younger! I think I would like it better when they get older and I can really talk to them, mentor them, give them advice on life...all that stuff. 

 

Sorry for the rambling! Hope this answers your question!

[vega57]

4 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

I'm a romantic but never thought or plan on having a wedding or kids at all.  It is not a thing that is natural for me.  I could see being with a person for a long time but never forever, that's rather naive to me.  Also asexual but have sex for romantic development reason with a sexual, being in a homo-romantic mixed relationship.

I could have seen myself being married forever to one person. 

 

But had someone told me BEFORE I ever said, "I Do..." that I would be expected to have sex 'X' amount of times per week or even per month, I would have gone running and screaming in the other direction. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

No weddings or children from me, I've got enough on being the single parent to 19 snaillets.

[helana12_03]

Neither have I . I liked the idea of people getting married and having kids, but I could never actually imagine myself doing this. I've head that little girls tend to fantasize about their wedding day and plan their wedding, I don't think I ever did that.

[globetrotter85]

I'm married to my work, and my horses are my kids  Says it all really!

[Topi]

In my never to do list is just one thing: Never marry. My friends would talk about it and ask me and I always said "I don't want to marry", they couldn't understand and give me lots of "reasons" to think of marriage, but I always thought of it as a futil thing. If people love each other, they can just get together and waste the money of the marriage in actually more important stuff, like a house or money for the future. I also don't believe in people being together forever, so marry to later divorce is just stupid.

On my future list is definitily: have at least a baby. Me and children had always a connection very strong and I always desire to have one of my own.

[borkfork]

I'm more interested in the partnership of marriage than throwing some expensive party. I figure my parents are close enough to Vegas.  Kind of have to notify them at least. I never wanted kids either.

[Willgracefan]

Even before I accepted I was asexual my only concern with being alone for the rest of my life was who was going to take car of me when I am old.  I'm one of four kids and my Dad would always say to us that he did not have kids so we'd be responsible for taking care of them when they are old. 

 

So of course I took this to heart once I learned I was asexual, like I would say to friends that I had to save my money in order to know I could take care of myself when I needed to go into a nursing home. My friends would always say that this thought was so sad. That I shouldn't think this way, live for the present. But I always knew I'd be alone even if that was unthinkable to my friends. But. I just always thought I was being realistic. 

[Laplace]

I always thought weddings were rather boring, and I never really wanted to be the center of attention for an entire ceremony. While I don't hate kids, I just think I'd be a terrible parent cause I'd get annoyed with them too easily, and I'd be too hardlined about misconduct. I couldn't handle taking care of someone for 18+ years. It's probably fair to say that my bloodline will end with me. 🤷🏻‍♂️ My parents probably want me to have kids, but seeing as how I haven't found the prospect of romance all that interesting (plus I'm just blind to any and all romantic signals), there's a good chance I'll remain single.

[doggalogga]

I hate weddings. Boring, drunken affairs with too many people. I don't like jewellery, and think it's a big marketing con. Women only like diamonds because they're massively overpriced. If diamonds was worth as much as zirconium, I guarantee that nobody would be interested in them.

 

Kids nowadays are harder to raise with all the distractions from external sources - especially all the 'experts'. I have lost interest in children massively in the past year or two.

 

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with wanting children or a big wedding. Nobody has the right to tell you what is right for you.

 

I would like a partner that I can share with, and treat like my Queen, while I can be their King, but right now, I'm still enjoying my single life because there's plenty of good stuff in there.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I definitely share this feeling and for me, actually, "I don't want to marry and don't want to have children", with "I don't want to have sex when I'm adult" added later, was for years a functional substitute for identifying as asexual. I didn't yet know this term, but I realized not everyone has to go the same path and very early I chose the sexually and familially nonconformist path.

I started reading at the age of 5 and some of the first books I read by myself were two little books for children (probably somewhat older than I was at that point) about "where do babies come from". While my mother is a doctor (ophthalmologist), she probably was embarassed and preferred to give me books and not having to explain it herself... And the idea of pregnancy and especially childbirth totally freaked me out. I never ever changed my mind, I'm 36 years old now and I don't recall having ever felt any desire to have children, even for a while. (Clarifying: I DON'T dislike children. I probably would also be psychologically unable to be a good parent, but I highly respect children.) So already at the age of 5 I decided that I don't want to have children when I'm adult. I also never fantasized about a dream wedding, but not wanting to marry was more of a byproduct of not wanting to have children - I yet didn't know exactly what sex is, so I thought that in order not to have children, a woman needs not to marry... and I thought: OK, no big deal.

I'm sure that at that time my family never treated my declarations seriously, but 30 years have passed and now they must know that I WAS serious and already knew what I wanted at that point.

I wouldn't say that I'm aromantic, though my preferred relationship model is perhaps more platonic than romantic - I anyway have a hard time distinguishing between kinds of love and don't feel like I have to distinguish, I have developed a strong distrust for psychology, a feeling that it's necessarily a reduction of the infinity of human experience - I'd say that generally I strongly prefer literature and philosophy to science. But my life has went in such a way that I've never been in any relationship - or perhaps, have never been in a relationship that both sides would acknowledge as such, because as a teenager I had a friend I loved and if I has such chance today...

[Zanahoria]

On 6/23/2017 at 5:45 PM, vega57 said:

I recently did something similar.  I realized that while my friends were talking about getting married, having kids, I never dreamed of my wedding day...walking down the aisle in a long white dress.  Lots of friends and family around.  Dancing at my reception.  Going on a honeymoon.

 

Naaaaah. 

 

I did end up getting married and I did have children. The wedding(s) were in front of the Justice of the Peace.  No long white dress or friends and family around. 

 

 But as for the rest of it ("regular" sex) I could have done without.  Simply had no interest.  I DID have interest in affection, such as kissing, holding hands, cuddling.  As for actual sex, I would have been perfectly content to do it once in a while (like once or twice a year...maybe) , or even never again outside of the purpose of becoming pregnant. 

 

 

When you did get married vega57, and not really wanting regular sex, how did your partner react to that? Were they ok with you having no interest? Did they know that you didn't have an interest? I am currently going through this now. My fiance is rather frustrated with my lack of a sex drive, and we are trying to figure out how to handle it or if we should break up.

[vega57]

18 minutes ago, Zanahoria said:

When you did get married vega57, and not really wanting regular sex, how did your partner react to that? Were they ok with you having no interest? Did they know that you didn't have an interest? I am currently going through this now. My fiance is rather frustrated with my lack of a sex drive, and we are trying to figure out how to handle it or if we should break up.

Most of them didn't complain about it.  I figured if they DID complain, we'd do something about it then.  But until then, I was perfectly content.  If they weren't, it was up to THEM to say something.  No such conversation ever occurred, and I RARELY thought about it.  I just thought that we were both so busy with workids/school/home, etc, and we were just "normal". 

 

Never even occurred to me to think about whether or not I even LIKED it  or even wanted it AT ALL until within the past few years.  I finally realized that it was something I did because it was expected of me.  I'm now old enough and wise enough to go against the grain...

 

...and not give a sh*t if I do! 

 

I've read a lot about this topic.  I 'haunt' relationship forums several hours a day and I can tell you, that your situation won't get any better after marriage.  If I was in your shoes, knowing what I know NOW, I'd break up with the person I was with, just to save us each heartache down the road.  It'll hurt at first, but believe me...you'll BOTH feel better for it. 

 

Oh and, by the way...  if you DO decide to break up, and your fiancé finds someone who is more sexual than you are, that doesn't mean he won't have issues regarding sex later on down the road with his next partner!  Statistically, it appears that more than half of married women eventually lose interest in sex at some point during her marriage. Unless he understands that, he's probably going to have a rude awakening at some point, lol!   

 

 

 

 

[Zanahoria]

1 hour ago, vega57 said:

Most of them didn't complain about it.  I figured if they DID complain, we'd do something about it then.  But until then, I was perfectly content.  If they weren't, it was up to THEM to say something.  No such conversation ever occurred, and I RARELY thought about it.  I just thought that we were both so busy with workids/school/home, etc, and we were just "normal". 

 

Never even occurred to me to think about whether or not I even LIKED it  or even wanted it AT ALL until within the past few years.  I finally realized that it was something I did because it was expected of me.  I'm now old enough and wise enough to go against the grain...

 

...and not give a sh*t if I do! 

 

I've read a lot about this topic.  I 'haunt' relationship forums several hours a day and I can tell you, that your situation won't get any better after marriage.  If I was in your shoes, knowing what I know NOW, I'd break up with the person I was with, just to save us each heartache down the road.  It'll hurt at first, but believe me...you'll BOTH feel better for it. 

 

Oh and, by the way...  if you DO decide to break up, and your fiancé finds someone who is more sexual than you are, that doesn't mean he won't have issues regarding sex later on down the road with his next partner!  Statistically, it appears that more than half of married women eventually lose interest in sex at some point during her marriage. Unless he understands that, he's probably going to have a rude awakening at some point, lol!   

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your response. I guess it is hard because we have 9 years of a good relationship on top of being best friends. The sex issue seems to be the only issue that we have been having. We don't want to throw everything away that easily because of sex. Everything else is going so well.

[vega57]

3 hours ago, Zanahoria said:

Thank you for your response. I guess it is hard because we have 9 years of a good relationship on top of being best friends. The sex issue seems to be the only issue that we have been having. We don't want to throw everything away that easily because of sex. Everything else is going so well.

And really, that's what has to be figured out, especially by your fiance.  Most people (sexuals)  WOULD throw away an entire relationship--no matter how good it is and no matter how long it lasted-- over the lack of sex, because they value sex MORE than they value the other aspects of the relationship. 

[Rhaenys]

You are not alone for not wanting kids nor are you crazy. Everyone who doesn't want kids doesn't want them for a reason. My personal takes don't really have to do with asexuality.

 

I am selfish and children are not worth the pain, embarassment and financial drainage that comes with them. My other reasons are that the crime rate is high in my country. The amount of little kids who are trafficked or kidnapped is staggering. There are so many stories about thwarted child traffickings at normal places like supermarkets and malls here done by both males and females. I don't want to have a kid in a society where I have to fear for them in public all the time.

 

 

[Hermit Advocate]

Kids are gross and I'd rather take the money that people put towards weddings to buy a nice plot of land or go on vacation; or buy books. Books are good. 

[GLRDT]

On 6/23/2017 at 4:02 PM, Willgracefan said:

I recently discovered the term "asexual" and have somewhat accepted that this term relates to me (I'm in my mid-30's why I'm only learning this now, I have no idea) Because of this revelation I've been going through my past and thinking of situations and feelings that I've had that are "asexual-ish) 

A biggie for me was I never planned a dream wedding in my head. I guess I thought I'd get married cause that's what people do but I was never wedding crazy. I also can't remember ever wanting kids. Right before I found asexuality I came to terms that I'd be alone and childless. Maybe never thinking of getting married and not wanting kids was because I was always asexual and something in me knew it. Can anyone related. Do you want kids? I'm not crazy for not wanting them, right?! 

I never was interested in marriage or kids, but mainly I feel that's because I'm very independent and felt like marriage would hold me back in some way. And kids I love as fellow human beings and I am great with them. They seem to magnet to me. Ha ha. I currently and in my past have never desired to have ones of my own though. Also, I'm not sure if these things are because of being in the asexual spectrum. I know quite a few people who don't want children or marriage and are sexual as well. I'm not sure if sexuality has anything to do with this or not. 

[songchick]

I have never wanted kids.  I imagine myself more as a teacher than a parent.  But also, I don't like bratty students either.  I want to actually make an impact, and not be a mere babysitter.

[Willgracefan]

56 minutes ago, songchick said:

I have never wanted kids.  I imagine myself more as a teacher than a parent.  But also, I don't like bratty students either.  I want to actually make an impact, and not be a mere babysitter.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? Or do any of your close friends have kids? I call my friends children my nieces and nephews, I adore my close relationship that I have with them. This is how I feel I'm making an impact without having kids of my own. 

[Pramana]

I have no interest in weddings or children. However, I also know plenty of sexual people who are cynical about the whole "dream wedding" concept and who plan on remaining childfree. In fact, I would make an educated guess that the vast majority of people in the world who dislike the concept of an expensive wedding followed by parenthood are sexual people. That said, I would agree that percentage-wise asexual people are probably less interested in these things compared to sexual people.

[fluffyfingers]

I don't want to get married. I once tried to picture myself married, with one or two kids in tow, and I just couldn't. Doesn't mean it'll never happen, but it's not something I easily visualize. 

 

Now, what I'd LOVE is to have a little niece or nephew to spoil. 

[Alexandmb]

Hello!

 

First of all I feel you. You're not crazy for not wanting a wedding or have kids. I also don't want to get married and have kids not only for being ace/aro, because relationships (in general) are complicated and can be overwhelming.