not sure I can call myself aromantic

[AwkwardAxolotl]

Spoilered for past internalized negative feelings about asexuality and aromaticism, and descriptions of an unhealthy romantic relationship and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

 

Spoiler

It’s been 5 years since I found the word “asexual,” and adopted it. I had some issues accepting it, after all, everyone needs a significant other to be happy, but I could accept that I was ace as long as I believed that I wasn’t aro. And I could usually persuade myself that strong platonic feelings for someone that I thought was nice to look at was the same as romantic attraction. So for years I’ve called myself a grey-panromantic asexual. Surely I’d eventually find someone I actually wanted to be in a romantic relationship with, right?

 

 I just wanted to be normal, and to be happy. I was lonely, my friends were getting into relationships and didn’t have time for me. People kept telling me “just try it, you’ll like it.” So I tried being in a relationship. To say it was an unhealthy relationship would be an understatement. Our “relationship” mostly consisted of manipulation, threats and sexual assault. I returned to my old ways, using self-harm as a coping mechanism and thinking about suicide. I was glad when she cheated on me, then I finally had an excuse to leave her. I went to therapy, which I probably should have been in a long time before that.

 

After that relationship, I was sure that I’d never want to be in another romantic relationship, but I still held onto the grey-romantic label, because not wanting to be in a relationship because of past abuse is not the same as being aromantic, and I didn’t want to appropriate a label that didn’t belong to me.

 

It’s been almost three years since that relationship ended, and I’m doing a lot better, I’ve graduated from therapy, and I’ve begun to question my romantic orientation again. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt romantic attraction, even though I’ve gone by the label grey-romantic for 5 years. I wasn’t sure I’d felt it before my relationship, but I still don’t want to claim the label aromantic, in case my experiences in the romance department are coloring my memories and convincing me that I never really felt romantic attraction. The asexual and aromantic communities already have enough problems with people claiming that they’re caused by abuse, I don’t want to perpetuate those stereotypes. I can claim asexual, because I identified that way before being sexually assaulted the first time, but I wasn’t sure of my romantic orientation before my relationship, and that experience might be influencing me to think I might be aromantic. So I don’t know what I am, and maybe I never will.

 

[Amber79]

I think it's OK not to know and to only use labels which feel comfortable. In theory I would love a romantic relationship, but in reality I don't think I'm capable as I'm 38 and I've never been in love. Despite this I will never rule out romantic love as a possibility. At this point I label myself aro and I think that's accurate for me, but never say never. A label should be a help to you, something you adopt to describe yourself to others, but it should never be uncomfortable or limit you. Use only the one's you can say to yourself or others with comfort. I've met a few people on here who don't like or use any specific labels or who only use asexual and I think that's right, because it's about who they are not a check list of labels. Do what's best for you, but as someone who labels as aromantic, I won't be offended if you use that label, previous abuse or none. 

[TeamYellowUmbrella]

One important thing to ask in this matter is that did you actually want to be in a relationship back then or not? My last relationship seemed perfect, but then my ex broke up with me out of nowhere. He told me he only stayed for me for my happiness and that he didn't love me, even though he said it first. It was mostly after the breakup was where all the bad stuff came out from him and his friends. The list contains things like him talking about my back, intentions of breaking up early on but "changing his mind", not returning my stuff in a promptly manner (we lived on the same floor at school), pretending like I didn't exist in public or acting like nothing happened, and much more.

 

Due to all of this, I have promised myself from boys and crushes until I feel better in that respect. I'm selectively not thinking of any person romantically until I have faith in relationships again that don't involve pity, avoidance, and lying. If the only reason you are not feeling romantic attraction is due to your previous relationship, then you may not be aromantic (you could still be though). If it is more than your experience and having fear of a relationship like that occurring again, then you could totally be. Lastly, if you feel unsure, you don't feel a romantic label or any label if you don't like them or if it's not the right fit (explaining my long sexuality).

[darkstreamers252]

This is exactly how I feel, I have trouble enough dealing with being asexual, I wouldn't' be able to stand myself even more if I was aromantic.

I thought I had a potential relationship, which wasn't true and other stuff, that sent me to therapy for the most recent time two years ago.

Not sure if I will ever know myself either.