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Heartbroken...


Nora Noo

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I posted yesterday about ways to maintain a marriage with an asexual person, but this post is more about people's experiences of actually finding out that their partner is/might be asexual. I basically had a light bulb moment at the beginning of this week and now, looking back over the last ten years of our relationship everything makes sense. But whilst I do not blame my husband in any way and still love him deeply of course, I must admit I have found the situation devastating. I've had trouble sleeping, appetite out of whack, can't focus on my day to day life and, frustratingly, keep breaking down in to fits of tears. I'd liken it to going through a break up, or grieving, or depression. I think I'm heartbroken. 

 

I know this hasn't been a picnic for him either; he is particularly distraught at causing me any sadness. I keep reminding him it's not his fault but it doesn't seem to help, just as him telling me not to take his lack of sexual desire personally doesn't help me as I can't stop feeling how I do. 

 

Anyone else had this reaction? 

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Icebearpanda

I think it's natural to be having a whole range of feelings right now. Your relationship has changed ( or is changing) in ways you did not see and could not anticipate. Be kind to yourself, because if you choose to stay together there's definitely going to be some adjustments to be made on both sides. Society has sold us all on many ideas about what relationships are, how we're supposed to be in them and what it's all supposed to look like. I think it's natural to grieve when we realize that it's not going to turn out the way we were told and the way we thought it would. You might find reading this is helpful: What to Do if You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual 

Personally for me that unpacking of what society has told me has been a hard slog. It often feels like being on a trail with no road map: great in some ways because you get to make it up as it suits you both, but also terrifying because the familiar comfort of "well this is how it goes for everyone" no longer really applies. Good luck. 

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18 hours ago, Nora Noo said:

I posted yesterday about ways to maintain a marriage with an asexual person, but this post is more about people's experiences of actually finding out that their partner is/might be asexual. I basically had a light bulb moment at the beginning of this week and now, looking back over the last ten years of our relationship everything makes sense. But whilst I do not blame my husband in any way and still love him deeply of course, I must admit I have found the situation devastating. I've had trouble sleeping, appetite out of whack, can't focus on my day to day life and, frustratingly, keep breaking down in to fits of tears. I'd liken it to going through a break up, or grieving, or depression. I think I'm heartbroken. 

 

I know this hasn't been a picnic for him either; he is particularly distraught at causing me any sadness. I keep reminding him it's not his fault but it doesn't seem to help, just as him telling me not to take his lack of sexual desire personally doesn't help me as I can't stop feeling how I do. 

 

Anyone else had this reaction? 

 

I reacted by breaking up with my partner and starting a relationship with a new one. I learnt that love is not enough. It is pointless to be unhappy in a relationship.

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@Nora Noo very much the same.  Married, kids and really loving eachother. 10+ years of awkward sex-issues, with a lot of things to blame, (stress, job, time, me being lousy at sex,tired, kids, feeling bloated, fat...) before realizing that she just never really had had the desire for it. It just never gave her that much and she could easily live without it. This resulted in two things:

1. A new kind of depression, but good to know what I am dealing with. (Though she is still not to open about it)

2. A lot of reading on Aven on trying to understand/accept how she works. Her romantic acts (kissing/cuddling/sitting close) has also diminished. Probably due to having done it too much before 'comming out!'

 

today we have an agreement to have sex, scheduled in a certain timeframe. It is a bit mechanical and no foreplay/teasing, but it works better. Once she is past the first phase, then discomfort leaves and she can enjoy it as well. 

 

You are very welcome to write a personal message to me, if you want to tell more about your story.

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@Icebearpanda Thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you're saying about letting go of what society says a relationship should look like. For me, I really enjoy sex. My husband has mentioned in the past that it seems to border on being a hobby for me as I don't just enjoy making love to him but also learning about different ways people relate and have sex with each other, I'm a fan of erotic literature and am keen to experiment and try new things. My sexuality forms part of my identity and it is hard to sacrifice it. 

 

But like you say it's also the fact that what I imagined for our relationship has changed. I can't have what I dreamed of having. This has been a running theme in my life. I wanted three children, my husband and I have two and he doesn't want any more. I thought I was okay with it but it hit me recently that actually I am not, but I have no choice in the matter so I'm having to let go of the idea I had of what my family would look like. Our first son has autism and his needs have changed our lives too. I stay home to look after and educate him as he can not cope within a school setting and whilst I find this very rewarding it is also very restrictive. Our social life is restrictive too as we can not leave him with a babysitter yet so never go out just the two of us and even going out as a family takes a lot of consideration, planning and effort so we bother less and less. Last year in order to be able to provide a better life we moved half way across the country and whilst it was the right thing for us it means I have no family anywhere near for support. I am blessed in many ways with much to be grateful for but I feel like I have run out of dreams to loose at this point and feel I no longer have the energy to have to carve out yet another unique path. Every aspect of my life is a 'trail with no road map' as you excellently put it.

 

Thank you for your advice. I think you are right and I need to be kind to myself and allow myself the time to gather my strength so I can handle the changes we face.  

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@Blondbear Thank you for sharing your experience with me. For me, I know a sex-less marriage would leave me unfulfilled and potentially unhappy even after this initial shock has worn off, but we have a lot invested in our lives together. To break up would mean that four people end up heartbroken (me, him and our children).

 

I'm really sorry you had to end a relationship with someone you love. That must have been a hard decision to make. I hope you can find happiness now.

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@MrDane I am so glad to hear from someone who can relate so well to our situation. I'd really like to PM you :-) 

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I think it is about investing in conversations. I met my partner on the basis of non-monogamy, but his decline in interest in sex has still left me frustrated - just because we are open to other partners it does not make this any easier. I have to know where we stand before I look to meet that particular need elsewhere and right nowI feel vulnerable and unloved (add into the mix an extrovert(me) and intorvert pairing too!). I spend so much time thinking about sex with him that it is hard to imagine it with anyone else (wanting what you can't have). So we have started the conversation. We have a long way to go. But we are both committed to investing time in sorting it out - so we both feel comfortable and reassured - however, we choose to move forward. 

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Hi @Nora Noo, you wrote that you moved half way across the country and have no family. Have you any friends near where you're living currently? Outside of your husband, do you have many interactions with other adults?

 

Anyway, I wish you the best in this, I've no advice unfortunately.

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@iff Thank you for your reply - thankfully I have met a range of people since moving here, mostly other mothers I have met through various children's groups, and have more 'friends' now than before. Whilst I am becoming close to one or two of them, I'm not yet at the stage where I would feel comfortable calling on them for help with something so personal just yet and I don't see people very regularly. 

 

I guess in short I would say 90% of the time it's just me and the children. Hubby is currently having to work overtime so he's out from 06:30 each day and then works four hours a day from home at the weekends (this arrangement shouldn't last past September though). We don't go out much as I mentioned but I'm learning to drive and we are very hopeful that this will allow us to get out and do more as a family (hubby doesn't drive either). I go to the gym a few times a week by myself. I see other mums on Thursdays at dance class during term time and have other meet ups (mostly with the children in tow but sometimes without) once or twice a month.

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