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Being ace is really screwing things up for me


Manga_wolf

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I've been reading these forums for years to help me understand my orientation and hear other people's takes on common asexual problems... just now got around to joining. And the reason is, I just broke up with my boyfriend because I'm aromantic. I'm feeling confused and lonely and sad and i don't know what to do. He was very understanding about the whole thing. It's just... I can't stand the thought of him dating and eventually marrying someone else. I really really like him. I just can't hold hands, cuddle, kiss, spend a lot of time with him the way I'd like to and I can't expect him to carry on in a relationship with someone who can't give him what he needs out of a relationship... especially because he says physical touch is his "love language".

 

also, whenever I'm on a date with him I start to disassociate. I don't feel like myself. I know it's because I'm pushing myself to be flirty and romantic when that doesn't innately come to me. I can't keep living like that.

 

but at the same time losing him hurts so so much. We haven't even dated that long, but he's like the first person who gets me

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did you get his input on this or did you jst hold a convention with your own demons? also: when you think you are supposed to be really flirty, try being honest instead. good luck with your wounds.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just be yourself.  Don't try to be someone you're not.  If you want to have a relationship with someone but don't want to be all flirty/sexy/romantic/whatever, then you have to accept that as who you are right now.  It sounds like you're really sad about the break up, like you really cared for him.  Be honest both with him and with yourself.  He might totally accept you and what you want in a relationship, but you have to accept yourself first.  Cut yourself some slack.  Best of luck to you. :)

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I just want to say, your post really moved me and really touches on so many aspects of my life. I'm not aromantic but so much of what you said resonated with me being asexual. I really hope you are ok or will be ok soon, but also really want you to know that you are allowed to not be ok, to be sad, angry and all of those emotions that we feel as humans. I'm sending you virtual hugs!

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I can also identify with what you're saying. I'm not sure if I'm aro but these things are really hard for me too. Feel so confused about it all. Hugs! <3 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

As aro and ace, I used to think I was screwed up, but that was an illusion. Maybe it's the pressure to feel romantic and have that kind of relationship that's actually screwing you up! Being ace is just being ace, it's outside forces that confuse...if I were you, I'd take some time out of that kind of relationship, renew my relationship with me, catch up with platonic friendships and just see what happens next. Everyone pursues happiness, but contentment is just as valuable, IMHO. Sending you all the best wishes.

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It's honorable to let him go, but as people mentioned before, try letting him in on this internal struggle and get his perspective. Does he know you're aromantic - I mean he's probably seen the signs, but have you outright told him? Does he understand what the stakes are for you? It's not just about not liking physical intimacy. It's who you are. The likelihood of it changing is very very low. He seems wonderful if he is so understanding and you feel so safe and attached. If you've broken up with him already, I'm sorry for your pain. Chandrakirti is right. Take some time being apart from the relationship and gain confidence in yourself. Hopefully you find people on this site who understand you too. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all for your responses. I ended up being so sad about the breakup that we got back together only a few days later. I'm still struggling with my feelings, but sometimes I just have to let my anxiety pass and try not to self-sabotage something that's going well for me, as I tend to do. He's been aware of my aceness since the beginning and is willing to be with me anyway, so I suppose I really shouldn't try to "protect" him by giving up on him. He's a smart guy, he knows what he's doing. I suppose any relationship has the chance of not working out, and I shouldn't not try just because I could fail.

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It's up to you to decide what you're (not) comfortable with. Same goes for him.

 

This is more of a trust issue than anything else. If I were him, I'd probably be upset because you didn't believe me when I told you about my feelings. That's something worth looking into. What exactly is it that makes you not trust his words? He seems to be supportive and he was willing to give your relationship another chance. IMO there's really not much more one could do.

 

Of course nothing of this can rule out the possibility of circumstances  changing in the future but feelings are a feckin' weird thing and to predict them is pretty much not possible, especially when one is trying to predict another person's feelings about a new situation.

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