Clinging to asexuality?

[Peace88Amy]

Does anyone else out there feel as if they are using asexuality as an excuse to been seen as something? Not just a weirdo virgin who can't form an intimate relationship. 

I'm in my late 20's and 99% of my friends are married. For a while I tried persuing relationships, both in person and online. I've only ever kissed, and while that was nice and the opportunity to go further has been there, I never have. I guess I was trying to fit in and be "normal" by dating. 

Part of me feels as if I've missed out on a big part of growing up. Sex is so important to society that I can't help but sometimes wonder what I'm missing. Is it a lack of desire or just a body that is used to life without it? 

And then other times I'm so sure I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone.

I still can't help that sometimes I feel as if I cling to the asexual label like a shield. Am I just a sham?

[Laplace]

I think that's a concern at least a few if not many aces have deep down. Even I'm somewhat worried that maybe I'm just compensating for problems like massive trust issues stemming from my parents' divorce or even just my somewhat cynical personality driving people away. But, I don't think I'm wrong in believing I'm asexual. I don't hate sex and romance; they're just not major priorities in my life and they haven't been so for as long as I remember. I'm not unlikable; I've had many friends and, when I thought about it, potentially had some suitors as well, it's just I was really blind. I never enjoyed the typical guy talk about who's hot and who's not. So sure, I got some underlying issues that magnify my orientation, but I'm fairly sure that my preferences (or lack thereof) have persisted for a very long time.

[Busrider]

I usually rant about green table asexuality. - In this case I'll switch to ranting against green table sexuality.

Sorry, as you already figured out, that thing is a nice way to keep your mind busy... I highly recommend shrugging it off. - It really doesn't matter (yet)!

57 minutes ago, Peace88Amy said:

I can't help but sometimes wonder what I'm missing

Find yourself somebody to hold hands with in the sunset. Get along with that person or retreat. But stop wondering about asexuality on your own. - It is easier to handle as a (literally!) hands on experience.

[Was here]

I thought I was asexual before I started really questioning my gender identity. Sometimes I feel like I might be a cis girl who's afraid of sex that would be clinging to asexuality,because I did before. or something. I don't know anymore.

[InariYana]

Definitely not in my case - I've been in quite many relationships and after all those years I kind of took time to examine my past, feelings towards sex, my desire for it (or more like lack of it) and I noticed a pattern, that for more than 15 years I've had exactly the same attitude, not depending on the person I was with, my circumstances - it's all constant. It's always been something more than just a phase, it was and is a sexual orientation. 

I'm a sex-neutral grey ace, in last 5 years I experienced 2 instances of something I'd call sexual attraction. In 5 years! Once I had a chance to act on this attraction and it all vanished after actually doing the deed. It felt like "ehhh, what am I doing?" instead of "oh yesss, I want to do it again, more, more!". 

 

I had sex in relationships but mostly because "that's what you do in relationships" thing in my head (and it felt kind of... mentally not great) or I was afraid to lose someone (not a great reason to have sex, is it)... I'd happily sail through life sexless  but I tolerate a small amount of it. 

[Homer]

Nope. Not interested in labels. Call me whatever you like. I have no power over other people's minds, so I can't control what they think of me. I don't care and I don't need to be "seen as something". Whatever I am didn't stop me from forming deep, intimate relationships.

 

5 hours ago, Peace88Amy said:

Sex is so important to society that I can't help but sometimes wonder what I'm missing. Is it a lack of desire or just a body that is used to life without it? 

Personally I don't like taking this obscure "society" thingy into consideration. The question you put up kind of has the answer in itself. Are you missing out on anything if you're not actually missing anything? I don't think so.

 

Wanting to have sex with someone is something you either experience at some point, or you don't. If you have never felt that way so far, your body didn't have to get used to anything. So yes, in a way it is used to it - it's your "default setting". If you had wanted to have sex in the past (or if you had gone through with it, probably liking the experience), not having sex anymore might be something your body has to get used to.

Think of it like you think of exercising. If you used to exercise regularly but decide to stop at some point, your body needs to get used to this new setting and it might miss it in the beginning. Yet you don't seem to have any new setting.

 

Any label you decide to put on yourself or that you drop doesn't change anything about who you are

 

Best of luck

[Kathleenah]

I definitely worry about this. I hate my body, can't imagine ever letting anyone see it. I wonder if that's the real reason I am calling myself asexual. :/

 

I don't know if that's right. I hate myself so I think everyone else will too. It means I have never got close to anyone (not that anyone has ever wanted to be close to me anyway).

 

But at the same time I have never felt sexual attraction to anyone, so I think I am. But has the feelings about my body made me this way? 

[roland.o]

9 hours ago, Kathleenah said:

I hate my body

It's not my intention to side-track this thread, but that statement rings a warning bell. In my early twenties, I felt like my body wasn't a part of me. Rather a vessel, if not a prison, for the "real me" locked somewhere inside. I don't remember whether I actively hated my body, but I certainly didn't try to live healthy. It took me decades to really accept it as a part of myself: mind, body & soul. Now at 47, I'm feeling much better about myself, and I can enjoy physical activities like ballroom dancing. Still haven't been intimate with anyone though. Being demi and bad at forming emotional bonds is an unlucky combination :-)

Looking back, I think my life might have taken a turn to the better if I had connected with my body earlier. I don't want to elaborate in this thread what worked for me or what I would recommend, because it's off-topic. But if you'd like to discuss ways for people to connect with their bodies, you could start a separate thread, and maybe point me there in case I miss it. I'm sure there are more people here who are familiar with such feelings and may share or profit from advice.

[melisestel]

I'm also in my late 20's.

I was raised Roman Catholic and always intended to wait until marriage to have sex. So I think for a long time I just considered myself lucky in a way to not experience sexual attraction (even though I didn't realize at the time that I was actually experiencing zero sexual attraction and my peers were experiencing a lot). I always assumed one day I'd get married and learn the joys of sex.

Along the way, I changed my mind about saving sex for marriage, but I still never really worked hard to pursue a relationship. When I finally did get a boyfriend for the first time last year, it was because a friend gave me his number and my family urged me to give him a call. He was nice, he was decent looking, he had good values and cared a lot about his family and friends. I had my first kiss, and didn't really feel anything. But I thought, huh, it's just because I'm weird and nervous, it will get better. 

Eventually, it got to the point in our relationship where I knew we should be having sex, but I still didn't really feel like it. So I asked friends for advice, but still kept dragging my feet about it.

When we finally did have sex, it was fine. But that was it. Again, I told myself it was just because I was weird and awkward and new to this. But it never got better. It was always just something I did because I knew it was part of being in a relationship.

We broke up a couple months ago, and people keep telling me to get back out there, find someone new, but I have zero desire to do that.

I spent my whole life with this goal of getting married and having kids. And when I finally got closer than I ever had to that goal, I realized that I didn't want that at all. I could picture a marriage because I like close friend and family bonds. And I still may decide to adopt a child, or I may just keep enjoying raising my dog and being an aunt to my sister's baby that is on the way.

That was a long story, but basically I'm saying that you don't need to have had a relationship to know your mind. I used to not like how weird and different being the only person in my friend group who had never had a serious relationship and was a virgin. Feeling the way I did after ending my relationship left me searching for answers and led me to AVEN. And it has made me feel better to realise that I'm asexual and that my lack of relationships for so many years is due to the simple fact that I lacked the sexual drive to actually pursue one. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Now I have to try to convince my family and friends that I have realized that I do not want a relationship.

On the one hand, it may be easier to convince them because I can tell them that I have tried having a sexual relationship and know I don't like it.

But the argument still remains that "you just haven't had the right one. You need to meet the right guy."

So for me, I am experiencing the same fear you mention, that maybe I'm just holding on to this label to not have to try again, or to not have my friends and family push me into another relationship.

But the more I read here on AVEN, the more things i keep seeing in a new light - both in my past and more recently - and it keeps affirming this new suspicion I have that maybe just maybe I can accept the fact that I am asexual. It's not an excuse or a way to avoid the struggles and risk of sexual relationships, it's just who I am.

I need to make new dreams and goals for myself. And you know what? That is also scary. So I don't think I'm running from anything. I'm trying to see it as running towards something. The real me.

[roland.o]

13 hours ago, melisestel said:

But the argument still remains that "you just haven't had the right one. You need to meet the right guy."

And you're always free to change your label(s) if that should happen. Until then, don't worry about it and make the best out of your life!

[melisestel]

11 minutes ago, roland.o said:

And you're always free to change your label(s) if that should happen. Until then, don't worry about it and make the best out of your life!

Thank you!! I'm currently feeling like I'm probably aro-ace but I do like the idea of leaving it open that if I were to meet the right person, I may find I am heteromanitc asexual or even demisexual. This community has been so helpful in maintaining that idea that it's okay to define yourself as something without needing it to be a final sentence.