Is this dysphoria? (tmi, possible tw)

[999papercranes]

 

Nobody has to reply to this if they don't want to. I just had to write this all down. 

 

My chest doesn't really feel like mine. It's just two lumps of skin and whatever. Whenever I look in the mirror I want to smooth them out and make them down into nothing. Every day when I dress I try to hunch my shoulders and see if I can't see my chest. It feels nicer just seeing flat fabric folds. I think about my chest a lot. Probably every day. It's something I can't ignore. 

 

I don't want a vagina. I don't like dealing with it. I ignore it until I have to stick a tampon in it, and then I leave that in as long as possible so I don't have to deal with it. Periods are awful and alien. They make my chest bigger and it gets sore and I don't like constantly being reminded of it when I press on it accidentally and it hurts. I like it when I exercise and my period goes away. I have a really irregular period that comes maybe once every two months and I always feel relieved knowing I can live in blissful ignorance until it comes again. Usually I forget it's coming. My mom wants me to keep track of it but I don't want knowing that it'll come again. 

 

I don't want a butt. I usually just ignore that part of me. My aunt once commented that I had a butt and I just said no. My mind is kind of in denial of the fact that I have a butt. I'm always surprised when I struggle to put my jeans on.

 

Being skinnier means less curves. I like the way it feels when I press down on my hipbone and it's sharp. Sometimes I feel better when I don't eat and I imagine staying skinny that way even though that's terrible. I used to weigh myself a lot but I don't want to anymore because the numbers keep rising.

 

I hate changing in front of other people. It's like don't want them to realize that I have a chest. I always have to cover it up or turn away. It's such an irrational thought to have, but it's there.

 

I don't feel like my body is mine really. I just stay in my mind a lot. My body is just a puppet that my mind controls. When my chest is too obvious or my period is annoying I just think it's just a body thing in this vessel and I have to deal with it once more. I feel a detachment from my body and my brain sometimes. I can easily get lost in my thoughts and sometimes I don't even pay attention to what's happening around me.

 

Usually my brain can kind of go on autopilot and take me through the motions of the day. I forget a lot of stuff this way because I'm not really taking anything in. Sometimes I imagine that my brain is a little hot air balloon floating above me, tethered to my body, and only when my friends talk to me or I'm feeling happy that the hot air balloon comes back inside of me. 

 

Is this dysphoria? 

[AVEN #1 fan]

Well, if this bothers your gender identity and communication with the world, yeah dysphoria. if not. .. I guess you're just unhappy with your body. 

[SamwiseLovesLife]

(In my experience) Yep dysphoria. I honestly don't think the way you feel about body parts has to (always) be about your gender identitiy. I had a huge problem with going through puberty a decade before I realised I am Agender. I recomend speaking to a Psycotherapist about the way you feel around your body parts

[Mezzo Forte]

7 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

Being skinnier means less curves. I like the way it feels when I press down on my hipbone and it's sharp. Sometimes I feel better when I don't eat and I imagine staying skinny that way even though that's terrible. I used to weigh myself a lot but I don't want to anymore because the numbers keep rising.

I've fallen into this mindset before, and it's not a good place to be. Having that mentality at 15 is especially dangerous too since your body is still in a really important stage of development and insufficient nutrition will have far more permanent effects as a result. The irregularity of your period makes me even more concerned about this, because of the two are linked, then you may already be at a point where you're causing developmental issues. It may suck, but please try to listen to your body and give it the nutrients it needs.

 

I came very close to entering eating disorder territory, and lost nearly a third of my body weight between ages 20-22. Perception really distorts with how you perceive body fat, and I can tell you looking back at the photos of me right before I started HRT that I looked sickly at that weight in ways that I just couldn't see at the time. 

 

A lot of what you describe in your post could certainly be dysphoria, with some of the stuff farther into your post sounding eerily like forms of dissociation too. I'm glad you're sorting through your thoughts, and you have my hugs if you need them. I hope you find ways to alleviate this dysphoria that would allow you to connect with your body.

 

(Would binding be something that benefits you? Even if you don't have a binder, maybe some of the sports bra methods could help? Also, would maybe hormonal intervention could help with the periods? There are forms of birth control that are made without estrogen that can sometimes stop periods from happening or at least severely reduce them.)

[999papercranes]

8 hours ago, AVEN #1 fan said:

Well, if this bothers your gender identity and communication with the world, yeah dysphoria. if not. .. I guess you're just unhappy with your body. 

I'd have to say it deals with my gender identity, yes... It's pretty much every part of me that makes me a female in society's eyes. I don't know. I'm so confused right now. Maybe I do just hate my body... Thank you for replying though  

6 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

(In my experience) Yep dysphoria. I honestly don't think the way you feel about body parts has to (always) be about your gender identitiy. I had a huge problem with going through puberty a decade before I realised I am Agender. I recomend speaking to a Psycotherapist about the way you feel around your body parts

I wish I could... My parents would never be for that though. I'd have to come out to them first, probably. Or at least let them know how much I worry about everything and am unhappy with my body. I don't tell them anything personal like that. I'm kind of used to just keeping the troubling parts of me hidden away so they don't have to worry. Unloading all of that onto them now seems so daunting and selfish of me. These are problems and I need to deal with them. I'm just a confused teenager going through some kind of identity crisis. I've never been the kid they have to worry about... I don't want them to see me that way. 

 

Thank you for replying.

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I've fallen into this mindset before, and it's not a good place to be. Having that mentality at 15 is especially dangerous too since your body is still in a really important stage of development and insufficient nutrition will have far more permanent effects as a result. The irregularity of your period makes me even more concerned about this, because of the two are linked, then you may already be at a point where you're causing developmental issues. It may suck, but please try to listen to your body and give it the nutrients it needs.

 

I came very close to entering eating disorder territory, and lost nearly a third of my body weight between ages 20-22. Perception really distorts with how you perceive body fat, and I can tell you looking back at the photos of me right before I started HRT that I looked sickly at that weight in ways that I just couldn't see at the time. 

 

A lot of what you describe in your post could certainly be dysphoria, with some of the stuff farther into your post sounding eerily like forms of dissociation too. I'm glad you're sorting through your thoughts, and you have my hugs if you need them. I hope you find ways to alleviate this dysphoria that would allow you to connect with your body.

 

(Would binding be something that benefits you? Even if you don't have a binder, maybe some of the sports bra methods could help? Also, would maybe hormonal intervention could help with the periods? There are forms of birth control that are made without estrogen that can sometimes stop periods from happening or at least severely reduce them.)

I agree with the eating more nutrients part... it's the going through with it part that's harder. I need to try, though. I'm thinking of using something like FitnessPal to make sure I have balanced meals, etc. It's not that I don't eat on purpose. I can eat like a pig, it's just that when I'm given the opportunity I usually pass and then afterwards I realize that and I feel a little better in some skewed way. It's so unhealthy and I need to stop it, it's just hard when, like you said, my perception of myself is skewed. I see every curve and every little pudge of skin and fat around my midsection and I think, "That doesn't belong on your body!" My friends were concerned about my weight in a joking matter and I said, "It's not like you can see my ribs or anything," and they got really quiet. "Lauren, that's like anorexia." 

 

I really hope dealing with dysphoria helps the detachment. I think getting my hair cut yesterday has made me feel better already. It's usually when I'm in school and everybody's around that I feel the most disassociation. Maybe if my body feels more like mine my brain will have more reason to stick around 

 

I can't get a binder, even though I want one so bad I could cry. I've tried using sports bras but they don't really do much because all of mine are so bagged out. I suppose I could get a new one. I've tried the cami method but ironically my ribcage is too small and the ends of the cami then are too loose to fold up. I might get an XS one but it'd be hard to attain that if my mom notices it's obviously too small. 

My mom has actually talked about going on birth control before, when I was talking about how I didn't get want to get my period during RAGBRAI. I think I'll bring that up to her in a very casual manner today. I just need some of this to stop. 

 

Thank you so much for replying. You've definitely given me a lot to think about! 

[SamwiseLovesLife]

15 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

I wish I could... My parents would never be for that though. I'd have to come out to them first, probably. Or at least let them know how much I worry about everything and am unhappy with my body. I don't tell them anything personal like that. I'm kind of used to just keeping the troubling parts of me hidden away so they don't have to worry. Unloading all of that onto them now seems so daunting and selfish of me. These are problems and I need to deal with them. I'm just a confused teenager going through some kind of identity crisis. I've never been the kid they have to worry about... I don't want them to see me that way. 

I don't know how it works in the UK but almost all schools and universities/colleges offer free confidential counselling that your parents would not be made aware of

[999papercranes]

6 minutes ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I don't know how it works in the UK but almost all schools and universities/colleges offer free confidential counselling that your parents would not be made aware of

Normally I would definitely agree with you. Our school has counseling (I'm pretty sure it's confidential) but it so happens that my counselor is my best friend's father. That would be rather awkward. 

Right now the internet is pretty much my therapist. I just unload everything on here! I can't help it. You guys are so nice and understanding.  

[RK800]

Sounds like dysphoria to me.

I'm just gonna speak from personal experience here: there's absolutely no shame in trying out different ways to relieve dysphoria to figure out if they work for you or not. If you want to try binding and need to use an XS cami just buy one and if your family seems suspicious say you're using it as a supportive undershirt, that's what I did before I was out.

[Gerald the Gelephant]

sounds like dysphoria

[Dodecahedron314]

I second @Mezzo Forte--to me, this sounds like both dysphoria and possibly dissociation of some sort as well (however, I'm much less qualified to talk about the latter than the former, so I won't say much about that). I can also even kind of relate to the "maybe if I just don't eat, I'll be less curvy and won't get periods" thing, but believe me when I say (from experience) that it's a terrible idea, as bad as having curves and periods is. Everyone's pretty much covered everything I could think of in terms of binding advice and such, so all I can really add on is that you're not alone--I, and a lot of other people on this forum, deal with a lot of this stuff too, and we're here if you need to talk about it.

[Amathy]

Please, please, please take care of yourself.  Some things to add:

 

If you go on birth control, make sure you're doctor knows you intend to skip periods.  Certain estrogen based birth controls aren't meant to skip periods with or skip multiple periods with.  Progesterone based birth controls might be the better option for you if you are trying to skip but your doctor may not know that if you're doctor doesn't know you intend to skip.  Also, birth control pills do have side effects, the biggest of which is weight gain.  I'm not telling you to scare you but to make sure that you understand that this might happen so you can prepare.  

 

I'm concerned about you skipping meals and feeling the need to be very skinny.  Is the desire to not be viewed as female motivating this?  Or is it the hope that you won't get your period?  You need to figure out where this is coming from and actively work to make sure your body can be healthy.  You may not like your body but you'll like it less if it stops working because that's going to limit your choices a lot more.  You are growing and you're body is changing.  This means you will gain weight (there is no shame in that) and you need the nutrition.  It sounds like you're also active so you need the fuel for that too.  Maybe you can see a nutritionist?  

 

I'm concerned about you so I'm bringing this up again and I don't mean to harp or anything.  I think you need to find a body shape that is healthy and aspire to that instead of aspiring to be skinny.  Also, ask yourself why is skinny good?  Curves can be hidden under slightly baggy clothes.  Being very skinny can make you stand out more feminine, especially given the trend of feminine models.  I know it sounds stupid, but the whole positive thought thing can really work, granted given a couple months.  Maybe every time you see your reflection you can repeat some positive mantra about how you need to keep your body healthy.  

 

I think the right sport bra can be more effective than binding, and safer if you are exercising a lot or don't want your mother to find a binder.  I encourage you to get new sport bras.  Also, you don't want a smaller size.  You want the band to fit around your chest properly.  If you are on the border of two sizes, the smaller one will probably be better because bands do stretch over time, but don't grab extra small if the medium band fits you.  Sport bras are hard to fit because they don't have cup sizes, the categories are somewhat arbitrary, and all the brands have different styles.  I've found medium-impact ones by sport brand names (like Aididas) with thick shoulder straps have the smallest rooms for chests and work best for binding.  Also, avoid ones made for juniors.  It can be hard to go shopping for them because it can be triggering, but you will be so much happier if you find ones that work for you.  If trying them on in the store would be a problem, maybe you can buy a few (in person or online) and return the ones that don't fit?

 

I know you don't want to be seen as a problem child by your parents, but there is a big gap between needing to see a therapist for help sorting through stuff and being a problem.  You are more likely to be a problem later on if you don't get help now.  Bottling up how you feel about your body or ignoring your problems is unhealthy (I would know).  You should never feel bad about asking for help that you need.  Would you feel comfortable asking to see a therapist for another reason?

 

Please, please, please take care of yourself.