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virtualfriday

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virtualfriday

I feel like I am.......

A Carpenter with a box full of kittens instead of any useful tools

or maybe a snowplow in Florida.

 

I know what I am supposed to do, I know what is supposed to happen ....it doesn't

If I try harder or even give it 110%, I do not get any closer to what I desperately desire.

 

Married 20+ years to a wife I love dearly

 

I have always told myself

Its my fault, I am doing something wrong

I expect too much

I am not patient enough

It will get better somehow tomorrow

 

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virtualfriday

I found this site a week ago after having another fight with my wife about sex, she said something that unintentionally hit me like a gut punch from a prize fighter.

I was telling her how I missed how it felt months back when "it" worked, we connected and i felt truly needed and desired by her.

I asked her what changed, what is different,  what can we do to find it again.

Her response was something like "I am just better at pretending sometimes i will work on it"

She had no idea on the magnitude of her words and what it means to me.

You see I always thought the starts lined up and I had success every once in a great while...it was those special times that kept me from giving up.

I was living and able to work with a 95-99% failure rate but learning its a possible 100% failure rate causes me to stop talking and stare at the walls for a few days while I reconsider things I thought were true.

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OK, your meaning of a loving relationship is being desired and needed sexually, clearly hers isn't. Love isn't automatically attached to sex, it 's an individual component and clearly she loves you, but sex will never be more than a compromise for her. It's something she does to please you and not herself, that is love. In those moments she's putting you first and showing you how much you mean. No, you'll never rock her world, but neither will anyone else and she doesn't want or need that anyway. But by being intimate with you sexually she's showing you that you are wanted and needed, just not in a sexual way. It's not your failure with love or sex, just an inability to understand her nonsexual perspective.

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virtualfriday

Amber, thanks so much for the reply

On the best of days I have conclude or agree with everything you mention

On the worst of days I doubt and question way more than I understand

 

How can I continue to accept and appreciate gifts from someone who wants nothing in return? At a certain point the overwhelming guilt destroys the want or need for accepting anything else and the entire system implodes from within.

 

Or Its like being stuck in a rotating door........

My gift to her is not needing it

Her gift to me is giving when she does not want to

Now neither of us are giving or receiving gifts no one is happy and Christmas is cancelled

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virtualfriday

Imagine your favorite ride at the fair is the ferris wheel, you love to ride around with your partner and take in all the views and enjoy each and everything about it. Sometimes you think your partner does not like it but they assure you they really do most of the time. One day after many years the jigg is up, you determine they were fibbing and really only go on the ride for you and don't like it as it makes them fairly uncomfortable and they go along simply to appease. From then on the Ferris wheel is different and confusing.... you really want to ride it but should you? Maybe just ride by myself? Maybe find someone else that likes to ride, nope stupid thought as for a moment it might feel good hindsight is sure to prove it would be worse than never riding again.

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I'm sorry you and your partner are going through such a difficult time, it's never easy to get through and I'm going to try and avoid all the annoying things people say during these times. But I think you're missing one point. She might not need or want sex, but that doesn't mean she gets nothing from you in return. As an aro ace I have been asked what I can get from a relationship when I'm not romantic and not sexual. But I get so much, just through a simple partnership. A sharing of other values besides sex and romance, aimed at other things you share in common, a sharing of responsability, of laughter at silly things, of being with someone through the worst moments and through lifes adventures (and of course, the boring bits too). If she has at times said she enjoyed a sexual experience more than she did, that's often the result of feeling the need to make you happy and often out of guilt too, for not being the sexual partner you'd like. It's not done to intentionally mislead, but to try and save someones feelings. I admit, I stopped doing that in relationships, as it leads to false hope surrounding sex and romance, which I'm just not capable of enjoying. That piece of me just never developed, and I know that as confusing for me as it has been through my life, it has also been just as confusing for the people who love me. This may be a stupid question and I aplogise if it is, but have you told her how badly what she said affected you? Have you been able to communicate your confusion to her? Sorry again, that's two stupid questions.

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virtualfriday

A couple days later I told her how it affected me, she became upset and told me I am using her words against her.

 

Additional details that seem important:

she is an over giver in all areas of her life... work, kids, family, friends everything. They kind of person that takes care of everyone else's garbage and instead of being appreciated ends up getting dumped on even more but rarely even utters a word of discontent.  A few years back I realized the burden of my needs was being carried on her back like the dirty dishes left on the table by our teenage children that know better but take advantage of their mothers generosity because she lets them.

 

talking about sex With her seems to be more uncomfortable than just pushing through it.

 

when we fight about it I want to talk and figure it out, work through the tough things. She hates discussing and seems to rather do it quick and sweep the issue back under the rug till it pops up another day. That worked great until I became enlightened into the bigger picture.

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For some aces even talking about sex is difficult.  It's true that quite a few aces would describe them selves as someone who gets dumped on rather than being the dumper. This may be because being different from a young age makes you less secure and less confrontational. It may also be that she finds being ace difficult herself, not everyone who is ace finds it easy too accept, most of us have felt faulty or broken at some point and the pain of carrying that can be very damaging. I'm glad that you've got something if not answers from this conversation.

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That all makes sense to me. After finding this site and seeing the similarities with her I asked her to take a survey I had found online sometime we she had a chance. being the giver she is, she immediately took it without hesitation. The results indicated gray. I asked her about it a few days later and her response was that I must think she is a freak and As i have diagnosed her with an affliction .005% of people suffer from. Needless to say we have not talked about since so I can explain further. I feel the next step is therapy for us, and once again I will be asking her to compromise and do something she finds uncomfortable to make me happy..... at this time I am contemplating the risk vs reward of asking for this. I considerd just going myself but I feel like I am cheating by sharing my feelings about us with others.

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You're seeking help to help your relationship with her, I know it must feel strange but sometimes you need to ask someone from outside for help. I think therapy is a good idea, though not all therapists understand asexuality so you need to find one who is sympathetic to you both. When she gives you the opportunity let her know she's not a freak, try showing her the AVEN site. If she can understand she's not broken and definitely not a freak, it will give her confidence to communicate her feelings over sex. 

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maybe it would be helpful to consider the hat passed around at a curch. yes, if it's just two people passing it back and fourth it can easily get to a game of what did the other person put in the hat, and selfishness and the fear of selfishness sit on your shoulders, but consider a curch service filled with a multitude of the two of you, one for each year or month or day you have known each other to the point where you can't keep track of who put what in to the pool.  it looks a bit like a series game of the prisoner's dilemma, and that might also be a thing to look at, but I'd like to stop looking at whats looking in the hat and instead look at the hat itself, in that who gives and who takes is a dog and pony show for the hat to keep being passed around. that both people are open to and willing to provide generosity. I would ask for her honesty in intamacy and consider offering the mindset that while sexytimes may be important to you, it is not what the relationship is about. good luck!

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I can really empathise with some of the things you have said here. I can imagine that you feel deceived if the times you thought the stars had aligned she'd actually just been acting. I'm sure she just wanted to make you happy but it was still  lie and that can hurt.

 

The ferris wheel is a great analogy. 

 

I relate to what you're saying about feeling like it's your fault. When I have had the courage to talk to a therapist about my husbands lack of desire for me I've been told he's probably bored of me and have I tried sexy lingerie! It's humiliating. And even now I can't get over this feeling of 'if I was better in some way then he'd want me' even though I realise now it's not like that. I've tried so hard in so many different ways for so many years and now I realise that the problem wasn't the meals I was serving him, he was just never hungry in the first place! And now the sense of hope is gone. The hope that one day I'll be good enough and he'll want me sexually. Now I know he'll never want me that way.  

 

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and say I understand. 

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