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Svete

How a person should behave if they want a relationship with an ace? DO'S/DON'TS

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Maybe people who aren t ace meet an ace and fall in love *dreams* and they check for info.( just advices don t comment about how i wrote my post)

Edited by Svete
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"normal"?

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6 minutes ago, Retrobot said:

"normal"?

Yes normal cuz they think about the ace that they have head issues.So for me they are the ,,normal,, as long as i am the anormal one.

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2 minutes ago, Svete said:

Yes normal cuz they think about the ace that they have head issues.So for me they are the ,,normal,, as long as i am the anormal one.

If they think there's something wrong with aces then they shouldn't be involved with us.

There is literally nothing wrong with being ace.

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22 minutes ago, Retrobot said:

"normal"?

I spilled my drink xD

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Just now, Phoenix the II said:

I spilled my drink xD

Oh dear. :lol:

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Maybe start off by not implying we're abnormal.

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Ehh currently in a relationship (I'm ace, my partner isn't)

- If you say aces don't exist, the deal is off. 

- Respecting people's limits, when it comes to anything physical

- Actually communicating with each other (important in any relationship)

- (In my case) finding someone who is willing to skip 14 Feb with, or at least not go overboard with it.

-If they ignore you for a year, it's probably not going to work out.

 

 

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Respect their boundaries. You know going into this that they're asexual; this isn't going to change if you realize down the road that you need a sexual relationship. Make sure you're okay with this before you get into the relationship. Beyond that, it's largely like initiating a relationship with anyone else. Find out if they're interested in a romantic relationship. If they are, awesome! If not, back off. 

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3 hours ago, Lanti SF said:

Ehh currently in a relationship (I'm ace, my partner isn't)

- If you say aces don't exist, the deal is off. 

- Respecting people's limits, when it comes to anything physical

- Actually communicating with each other (important in any relationship)

- (In my case) finding someone who is willing to skip 14 Feb with, or at least not go overboard with it.

-If they ignore you for a year, it's probably not going to work out.

 

 

Definitely with you on the communication part, I'd also have to say that setting up initial parameters is important as well. For instance, some aces are fine with non-sexual physical intimacy, and some aren't. Letting your courtee/courter know that you like snuggling but not making out or that you like both, but are sex-repulsed is critical, that way you don't accidentally lead them on.

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Asexual Relationships.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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Each relational dynamic between 2 or more people will always be different, the do's and dont's and to an extent personal preferences, likes and dislikes is all going to be different, asking one will give different answers to another..

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If they say they don't like or want sex, believe them.  

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For me personally, as someone who has dated sexual people this is what I wish they knew: 

 

-Don't expect me to initiate any sexual activity, and don't get offended when I don't. Don't make me feel bad for not initiating and complain that it doesn't seem like you turn me on. I'm just not wired that way, I might never initiate, and no, it's not you.

-If you want to try those things with me, just be clear with me. Tell me. I can't be spontaneous in that way like other people can. In not against it in anyway, and if I love you and it makes you happy I will. But just be clear with me and respect my boundaries, tell me what you like and what you don't, don't play games...be straightforward in general. 

-If I'm not in the mood, don't force it. Don't pressure me and make me feel bad if I say no.  

 

 

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You should treat asexual people the same way you would treat anyone else you don't want a relationship with. Let's not start demanding people treat us differently because of our sexual orientation. 

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I also don't see any difference between  a relationship involving sexual folks and a "mixed" one. It involves just the same kind of negotiating and getting along with the hard facts (kids yes/no, pets yes/no, sex...). It all depends on whether one manages to find an agreement on all the big issues, one that both partners are happy with. Orientation doesn't matter.

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I guess this would go for literally anyone...but don't expect me to become excited when you start talking about your dick/sex when we were having a totally innocent conversation before that. Don't try to make everything sexual. That's just annoying.

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As someone who's been broken up with by a disrespectful sexual:

 

-Do NOT bring asexuality up when having an argument. It'll just make us feel bad, outcasted, hopeless, and incapable of being loved

-Do NOT pressure the partner into sexual things. It's not all about you and having your needs met. It's about everyone involved and what's best for all who are dating (whether it's poly or mono)

-Do NOT try to "help" or "fix" the ace. You think we're defected and need to learn how to love? We're fine the way we are and we are able to love. Perhaps just as much as sexuals, but in a different way

-Do NOT fear bringing up sex and the possibility. Just don't make it seem coercive. Just be like "hey uh... I'd like to discuss the possibility of us having sex one day. Would you be alright with it later?"

-Do NOT say things like "But everyone has desires! How do you not?" or asking the partner if they have signs of being turned on. The answer is probably not

-Do NOT be afraid to break things off if you cannot handle it, but don't wait. From my experience it's something that's hard to work around, especially if the sexual has a high sex drive. It doesn't improve, it causes a ton of strain

 

Enough of the do not's, here's some do's

 

-Do try to make them feel OK with being themselves if they seem down about it

-Do be there for them and support them in whatever they do and as a person

-Do give them little acts of kindness like gifts or little physical gestures of affection like hand holding or kissing. Whatever your partner likes, do that

-Do take things slow, especially with sex if the partner has indicated they're OK with it. Yes 2 or 3 years may be a long time to wait. But to an ace who's willing this is not unusual

-Do realize that just because your ace partner is OK one day doesn't mean they'll always be OK. Maybe the ace isn't feeling it 80% of the time and that's OK. Respect a no or not anymore

 

As the ace in the relationship, my former partner did all of the do nots and it hurt me a ton. Even after the break up he tried getting me to be sexual in an attempt to fix me...

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Preface: I lost a best friend to this kind of situation.  So here's what happened to me.

 

Best friend (let's call him Alex) and I hung out all through high school, doing the usual best friend stuff: going to movies, eating out, playing computer games, enjoying each other's company, etc.  We also went to Homecoming and stuff together, because we were best friends and it saved us having to bother with anybody else.  Then, when we were seniors, Alex (not his real name by the way) let it be known that he wanted the dreaded MORE.  There was an unfortunate instance of supremely awkward hand-holding.  I felt torn in two: he assumed that being friends was Step One, and romance etc. naturally was Step Two, and I had grown up with the same assumption, but for me Step Two just was not happening.  I had been hoping it would--I'm not oblivious, I knew the expected program--but it just didn't.  He was perfectly gentlemanly, which only made me feel worse.  "Will you at least try to love me that way?"  And I said I would.  But I could not.  Couldn't we just go on being best friends?  As it turned out, no.  I just had to watch my friendship (which, since I was an introvert and, by then, at college in a different town, was just about my only friendship) slip away, because I couldn't follow the program all people are supposed to follow.  I couldn't fall in love with him; I've never fallen in love with anyone.  The idea of even holding hands or kissing, never mind sex, repelled me.  I felt like the entire problem was me: I was messed up, and what Alex wanted was perfectly proper and right and appropriate.  It took me a long time to realize that maybe keeping the platonic friendship was an okay thing to want, and that he really shouldn't have thrown it away like he did.

 

None of this is to say that Alex was a bad person, or that he was being bullying or anything like that.  He simply assumed that "Step One: Friendship and Step Two: Romance" was the way life worked.  I assumed it too, and felt like a horrible person as a result.  I'm sure he thought that his life was healthier without me, and to be honest, I didn't really think he was wrong at the time.

 

I haven't had any real contact with Alex in years.

  

Here are the morals of the story.

1. Friendship is precious; never think it isn't.  Alex was one of the very most important people in my life.  Friendship is not a crummy consolation prize for losers, so NEVER treat it as if it is.  Cherish it.  I guarantee you the ace does.  Just because he or she does not want sex or romance does NOT mean he or she doesn't care about you!  You may be the center of their world!  Don't take that away, either from them or from yourself.

2. Be open to the idea that all close relationships are not romantic or sexual, nor do they have to be.  Best friendships can very well be best friendships, and never become anything else (and for heaven's sake, don't say "become anything more".  Please).

3. "Boyfriend" (in the case of Alex) is not MORE than "friend".  People have meaningless sex and toxic romances all the time, and people have intense lifelong friendships.  It's not the kind of relationship that makes it "more": it's the quality of that relationship.

4.  Sex or romance is not "more".  It bears repeating.

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Never ever use the ,"if you loved me you'd do this." line

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9 minutes ago, Rise&Shine said:

Never ever use the ,"if you loved me you'd do this." line

That's not just for mixed relationships - it's a general thing for couples.

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14 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

As someone who's been broken up with by a disrespectful sexual:

 

-Do NOT bring asexuality up when having an argument. It'll just make us feel bad, outcasted, hopeless, and incapable of being loved

-Do NOT pressure the partner into sexual things. It's not all about you and having your needs met. It's about everyone involved and what's best for all who are dating (whether it's poly or mono)

-Do NOT try to "help" or "fix" the ace. You think we're defected and need to learn how to love? We're fine the way we are and we are able to love. Perhaps just as much as sexuals, but in a different way

-Do NOT fear bringing up sex and the possibility. Just don't make it seem coercive. Just be like "hey uh... I'd like to discuss the possibility of us having sex one day. Would you be alright with it later?"

-Do NOT say things like "But everyone has desires! How do you not?" or asking the partner if they have signs of being turned on. The answer is probably not

-Do NOT be afraid to break things off if you cannot handle it, but don't wait. From my experience it's something that's hard to work around, especially if the sexual has a high sex drive. It doesn't improve, it causes a ton of strain

 

As the ace in the relationship, my former partner did all of the do nots and it hurt me a ton. Even after the break up he tried getting me to be sexual in an attempt to fix me...

Sounds like my last relationship too... pretty much every single point you mentioned. The last one is especially important, I stayed in the relationship too long (and he didn't want to break up - pressurizing me and making emotional scenes/veiled suggestions that maybe he should look for somebody else to manipulate me into having more sex seemed a better option for him... this is pretty shocking to me) and in the end I'm still feeling like I've been run over by a train. I'm romantic and a grey ace but that was just beyond my strength. I felt kinda used as well, like there was nothing else that was important to him. 

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20 hours ago, Cetasoul said:

Do NOT be afraid to break things off if you cannot handle it, but don't wait. From my experience it's something that's hard to work around, especially if the sexual has a high sex drive. It doesn't improve, it causes a ton of strain

This
So much

Also goes hand-in-hand with
Do NOT lie about it being OK, or that you think you'd be fine when you aren't certain

DO be as honest as you can, keep the discourse open, and keep partner updated; it's fine, or better, to say "I'm sorry, I might have previously been wrong and sex is more important than I thought" than to get steadily more... pushy

 

and... though it totally applies to any and all relationships anyway...
Do NOT overstep boundaries or make assumptions. Check what level of touching, and when, your partner is comfortable with. This likely differs from Ace to ace, but in the worst case scenario can feel manipulative and very threatening. 

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