Shy away from romance

[starrynights]

Growing up I was never really one for relationship talk I didn't really have crushes and I never went out with anyone however as I have grown up I started to get crushes more often. My first crush was in 2007 when I watched Doctor Who and fell quickly and fast for David Tennant's Tenth Doctor. Though I found him aesthetically pleasing I realized as the Doctor regenerated that my crush was the character not just David Tennant. I would still say I love the Doctor however I couldn't say for sure if it was romantic or just a very deep platonic love but he was my first love which probably sounds a bit weird to say. After that I thought more about crushes and romantic love but not really relationships and sex never crossed my mind and still doesn't. My second love, which I didn't initially realise, was Kate Mulgrew as Captain Janeway. I didn't know at the time because being bi/pan never occurred to me like generally my ability to see people romantically initially hadn't. Again I still love her, her confidence, leadership and strength even though she doubted herself and she's clever and involved and ever so beautiful on top of that. I've had many crushes though I feel those two are probably the most defining ones, most of my crushes are on women though I don't often fall for men and I usually don't know them personally when they are real people. 

Anyway I think I got a bit off track however it's kind of relevant as these people I get crushes on are unobtainable even when they are real as I don't know them. Currently I have a boyfriend, I never sought it out, I met him at college and he had had relationships before but I didn't know what to do with that, it wasn't the first time but he was more serious than others. I said I don't know for about a year and kept him close which I felt bad about but the last time I had said no to a guy they never talked to me again or very rarely. After a while he began to drift away and asked me to try and come to a decision because he liked another of my friends as well but would only pursue it if I was a solid no. When he was giving me space I found I missed him being there. So I said yes but I told him not to tell anyone because I, getting to the point, tend to shy away from romantic love. It's been three years and I am still not comfortable expressing love and any time he gets like that way I push away and make a stupid joke or something. It occurred to me the other day that my fear of romantic intimacy might be to do with what that generally leads to. I have no desire for sex and in the past as he is not asexual I felt like it could have progressed in that sort of way. I think he has started to understand, I told him fairly early on but I don't think he really understood then but he has put me in situations like that a lot less. The thing is I still can't be romantic and I still haven't told anyone, I really just don't feel comfortable talking about any of it, crushes, love anything like that maybe because I feel like people will question me and I really don't want that. Even though I'm sure they'd understand they are very respectful and kind and one of my friends actually figured it out before me. I don't know I don't have any asexual friends or even acquaintances so I don't really have anyone I feel like I could talk to so I wondered if this was something other people had experienced the same thing or had any advice. I'm new here so I hope this post is in the right place.

[danvers]

6 hours ago, starrynights said:

My first crush was in 2007 when I watched Doctor Who and fell quickly and fast for David Tennant's Tenth Doctor. Though I found him aesthetically pleasing I realized as the Doctor regenerated that my crush was the character not just David Tennant. I would still say I love the Doctor however I couldn't say for sure if it was romantic or just a very deep platonic love but he was my first love which probably sounds a bit weird to say.

Yay, a fellow Whovian! I'm with you on the "very deep platonic love" for the Doctor, and the possible romantic love for Ten specifically. Ten is definitely my Doctor!

[Amber79]

I experience what I think of as TV crushes, and like you the tenth Doctor was most definatley one of those. While I get TV crushes I don't crush on people I actually meet, I have been to an event a couple of years ago with a friend which had some famous people at and it actually stopped my crushes on a couple of men dead in their tracks. So yes I understand that one totally. As for the being romantic shy I get that too. I love the idea of romantic relationships, but I'm not able to actually have one. I put myself the aromantic catagory because of that, and becasue I've never fallen in love. It's quite common on this site, to find people who find hugging, kissing and holding hands type stuff, difficult and/or uncomfortable, even just talknig about it. You're certainly not alone. Take your time to read through the forums and ask as many questions as you like and try to explain how you feel as best you can to your guy. Here's some cake  and welcome.

[starrynights]

On 6/19/2017 at 5:56 PM, Linh Cinder said:

Yay, a fellow Whovian! I'm with you on the "very deep platonic love" for the Doctor, and the possible romantic love for Ten specifically. Ten is definitely my Doctor!

Oh yes Doctor Who is the biggest love in my life for sure!  He was my first Doctor properly so ten will always have a special place in my heart too, but the Doctor as a character I'm just so drawn to him. It's good to know I'm not the only one.  

 

On 6/19/2017 at 6:24 PM, Amber79 said:

I experience what I think of as TV crushes, and like you the tenth Doctor was most definatley one of those. While I get TV crushes I don't crush on people I actually meet, I have been to an event a couple of years ago with a friend which had some famous people at and it actually stopped my crushes on a couple of men dead in their tracks. So yes I understand that one totally. As for the being romantic shy I get that too. I love the idea of romantic relationships, but I'm not able to actually have one. I put myself the aromantic catagory because of that, and becasue I've never fallen in love. It's quite common on this site, to find people who find hugging, kissing and holding hands type stuff, difficult and/or uncomfortable, even just talknig about it. You're certainly not alone. Take your time to read through the forums and ask as many questions as you like and try to explain how you feel as best you can to your guy. Here's some cake  and welcome.

Yeah I get a lot of TV crushes and people I'll never meet fictional or otherwise. I don't know if I am aromantic, I don't think I am, but I just can't seem to grasp what romance/love is to me. I think, as usual. I'm probably overthinking and analyzing myself it but unfortunately that's just me.  

I just wish I knew how I felt to be able tell him. Sometimes I think I want to kiss him but I can't seem to do it, hugging is not a problem generally but anytime he gets serious I just do something silly and ruin his moment. I just can't tell, I want him around I know that but do I just like the attention, to have someone want me. I don't want to hurt him, sometimes I worry I should never have said yes but I couldn't let go. I've tried to tell him, I tell him I don't think I'm right for him and he asks if I want to break up and I say not really but if you want to that's okay and I just want what's best for him even though I know that would hurt me and he always says something along the lines of 'no shut up, you're not a bad person, I don't want better I love you okay stop saying stuff like that' which always just makes me feel bad again because I've never said it back to him and I feel like I'll never be as good for him as someone else could be. I know I can be over critical of myself but I know I'm not the best he could do for himself but he doesn't want to hear it. 

Thanks for reading my rambles, sorry I can't say stuff like this to anyone in my life so when I write it goes on a bit. I will definitely be looking further though the forums here. 

Also thank you for the cake!

[Amber79]

It's very confusing to start with. When I first came to this site, I had a look around and then went away for almost a year to figure myself out. Be patient and kind to yourself and as honest with him as you can be, that's all you can ever do really. As for knowing what love is, well I think that most sexuals aren't sure most of the time either. It doesn't help that the media portray it in such an unrealistic and perfectionist way. Enjoy your TV crushes though, there's nothing wrong with those .

[danvers]

On ‎6‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 10:24 AM, Amber79 said:

I experience what I think of as TV crushes, and like you the tenth Doctor was most definatley one of those. While I get TV crushes I don't crush on people I actually meet, I have been to an event a couple of years ago with a friend which had some famous people at and it actually stopped my crushes on a couple of men dead in their tracks.

I've noticed that while a lot of fans who get crushes on TV or movie characters seem to have corresponding crushes on the actors -- fangirls crushing on both Loki and Tom Hiddleston or both Sherlock and Benedict Cumberbatch, for example -- (based on fandom stuff I've seen online, anyway), if I get a crush on a character, my attraction is only to that character. Like, David Tennant is an amazing actor and an interesting person, and I guess he's good-looking, but I'm attracted to the Doctor, definitely not David Tennant.