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Sq202

Sexual in need of a little advice

6 posts in this topic

Hey so if you clicked this thanks. 

 

I'm a sexual who has been in a relationship with an "asexual" for almost a year and a half. And I say that with quotations because she doesn't know herself. When on the topic she says "I don't know if I am I could be" which I've told her if she finds herself anywhere on that spectrum it's nothing bad or to be ashamed of. 

 

But its starting to wear on me. See, I would consider myself very demisexual. I have only been attracted to two, maybe three people in my life but when I am that's when it kick starts my own sexual needs, so to speak. 

 

We havent had any intimacy outside of a normal kiss or a hug in almost a year. But I find that she tells me she is frequently masturbating and/or watching/reading porn and that confuses me. Sometimes she will go to the point to hide it as well. Having a sex drive or sexual desire isn't a topic she shys away from but it's like she doesn't want to act on it with an actual person. She says the reason she doesn't desire sex is because she's "all sexed out" from high school (years prior to us), but the beginning of our relationship she had a pretty decent sex drive that just sort of dropped off one day because of high school antics?

 

I've told her that she can let me know at any point in time if she wants to have sex and I won't ever ask her to when she doesn't feel like it, but I want to have sex at pretty much any time.  So I've have just been leaving it up to her to make the decision. 

 

We've talked about this a few times but it's been months since the last conversation and I've been at a loss of what to do. When we talk about it, the conversation doesn't really go anywhere forward, because I feel like I'm repeating myself about the same thing. I'm not in this relationship for sex but it is a part of how I give and receive love.

 

I've been feeling like I have been respecting the fact that she is asexual but never pressuring her about anything, but on the other hand I also feel like she isn't really respecting the fact that I am sexual by really giving me a decent conversation about it. 

 

I'm at the point where I don't know how to approach this subject and make any actual forward ground on it. 

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I don't know anything about sexual desire dropping off suddenly, but many asexuals do have a libido yet no interest in having partnered sex. But as far as I've understood, it is very common for sexual activity to decrease a lot as a relationship progresses, as the "honeymoon phase" passes. But when you were sexually active earlier in your relationship, do you know if she actually wanted sex or just did it for the sake of the relationship? Also in her past if she's been very sexually active did she really have desire for partnered sex? If she has desired partnered sex in the past there's a good chance she is somewhere within the gray-asexual spectrum and not asexual (which would mean altogether lacking desire for sex). It's a good thing that you to ask her about what she feels, as communication is really the key to any relationship but even more in those relationships where the sexual orientations/desires of the partners don't quite match. As her partner you deserve the answers you need to have a satisfying relationship, as without having clear understanding it will be very difficult for you both to figure out what works for you. If your partner isn't really familiar with asexuality, the grey-a spectrum and so on, it might be useful for her to look into AVEN's resources, for example.

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You have to be honest now. If not having sex is a big deal to you, you have to tell her this. Sit her down and tell her we have to have a serious talk so she would be less likely to try to avoid it. Explain how you feel and see how she feels about having sex again. If she is okay with it, it is time to talk compromise. See what she is comfortable. How much is too much for her, and consider how little you can have without it bothering you too much and go from there. If she doesn't want any sex ever again, than you have to consider if you want to continue this relationship.

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On 18/6/2017 at 1:57 AM, Kai99 said:

You have to be honest now. If not having sex is a big deal to you, you have to tell her this. Sit her down and tell her we have to have a serious talk so she would be less likely to try to avoid it. Explain how you feel and see how she feels about having sex again. If she is okay with it, it is time to talk compromise. See what she is comfortable. How much is too much for her, and consider how little you can have without it bothering you too much and go from there. If she doesn't want any sex ever again, than you have to consider if you want to continue this relationship.

Exactly! ...and dont expect her to initiate sex, because it migth not pop up as it does on your radar! I dont like the word compromise, but better with a mutually accepted agreement.

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Just because a person is asexual does not mean they don't have a libido. They have have a physical need, which can be taken care of by themselves. That doesn't however mean that they have any interest in doing so with another person. Asexuality is not always those who are sex-repulsed or have no drive. But that drive can be experienced in various ways.

 

You've been in a relationship for a while and I think it might be time for an honest sit down discussion. You need communication in any relationship, regardless if sex is involved or not. If you are confused about her feelings or desires and you feel like you need to be heard theres nothing wrong with having an adult conversation about it. You both should be comfortable enough to put it all out on the table. Its hard not being able to satisfy your partner in all roads of life. Maybe there's something else going on, or shes just confused about her direction at the moment. Maybe she really is just finding herself. 

 

You need to figure out what you need in life and whether or not that need can effect your relationship. There's nothing wrong with having a desire and finding someone that meets it. And compromises can also be made. But first you need to comfortable talk about it.

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