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InspectorACE

For dating purposes, are looks important you?

31 posts in this topic

How much do you care about looks with regard to the people you date? As a hetero/homo/biromantic asexual, or even as an aromantic asexual, if you are not sexually attracted to the people you date, would it still be important that you find them aesthetically attractive? Are asexuals just as concerned about the looks of people they date as allosexuals?

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Yes I am. It's not first and foremost in importance but first impressions if you're in a live situation are always based on looks. If you're on a bus and someone gets on, you don't say "wow, what a moral person!" or "Wow! What a great sense of humour!" those are the great things you find out later.

I didn't think I would be the type that looks were important but I met someone on line a long time ago. We didn't get really chummy on line but were going to do the get together for coffee thing. The picture she supplied me with (to recognise her) had her motorcycle helmet and sunglasses on. (That's only helpful if she never takes those off). When we met - she was very very butch. Definitely female but butch. Also hardcore motorcyclist, brush cut, a lot of tattoos and facial piercings. She just looked like an old biker man. These are things I don't find attractive. We had a great time and she was a lovely person but at the end realised we really had nothing in common, certainly not enough to date.

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For me, I wouldn't say it's important, but I'm not completely indifferent either. It's not really a make or break thing in most cases, but it's more who grabs my attention most easily. The best I can describe it is that I form crushes based on several factors in terms of personality, interests, ect. I've never really formed a crush just based on looks, but I can recognize that I don't need to know as many of these factors the more aesthetically attractive I find someone. Generally true romantic attraction forms once I get a better feel for the person, so I can form a crush on someone, partially because of looks, but then never become truly romantically attracted (worth noting that I'm not 100% sure how much aesthetic attraction overlaps with true romantic attraction, since I've only experienced romantic attraction, beyond fleeting crushes, a handful of times).

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Aesthetic attraction does matter to me.  However, I'd imagine it matters less to me as an asexual than it would if I were not asexual.

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I feel less intimidated around people who aren't considered super good-looking. I'd feel weird though, if I were dating someone who didn't think I was attractive.

 

 

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If someone looks gross, like they don't bathe, that would be an issue. I also have some sensual preferences that can easily be categorized as looks. I'm not going to lie and say I don't make judgements based on looks. If he looks like hipster trash complete with a man-bun, chances are we won't get along. Whether or not other people find my mate attractive doesn't matter, what matters is he's attractive to me. 

 

edit: I used to get accused of being shallow a lot because of how rarely I'm interested in anyone. When I was I guess they weren't what other people thought I should want.

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I would actually argue that someone not influenced by sexual attraction is probably more inclined to go for the person most aesthetically attractive to them. I was talking with an allosexual I know and they told me that they could recognize that the people they are most attracted to sexually are not always necessarily the best looking.

 

Looks are kind of important to me. I'm a very visual person. They're not at the top of my list but I need to be aesthetically attracted to some degree. I think it would be wrong to be with someone you're not attracted to; there are other people out there who do find them attractive. Attraction is all subjective, therefore it is pretty meaningless.. Even the people who I consider the most aesthetically attractive other people have found unattractive. Of course there are people that a majority of people find attractive, but they are a small percentage of celebrities and models and you can be aesthetically attracted to someone even if they don't look anywhere close to a celebrity or model.

 

I've learned that couples need to be pretty evenly matched all across the board, or there is often insecurity on one or both sides and it puts strain on the relationship.

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I don't care about anyone's looks, to the point where I'm not even really capable of judging someone's looks unless I'm already quite close to them anyway.

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I don't care much for looks. I don't see it as a necessary thing when looking for a relationship, but I also can not help who I'm attracted to. Typically I'm attracted to masculine, masc-androgynous, and/or agender people. If I find someone to have the same features that I'm drawn towards, I'd definitely consider him/her/them to be a potential partner. However, the deal breaker for me (disregarding whether they are allosexual or not) is if they have an "unfit" personality. In other words, one that aligns with my own in some way. I tend to usually care about how they are like, their views, and if I can "connect" with them, and have deep conversations. The same would go when it comes to dating someone I feel attracted towards. Aesthetic attraction still wouldn't matter to me, but it'd definitely be a plus if I did find them to be aesthetically attractive. I usually always have a neutral standing on these types of questions, but I do believe that asexuals can find aesthetic attraction to be just as important as allosexuals may feel, but I don't believe that all do experience these standards.

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It is hard to verbally quantify the importance of looks in a way others could somehow understand &/ gauge.

What aspect(s) of looks are we talking about at all? 

My demands on the supermodel resemblance scale might be low. On the other hand I am quite picky on certain variables that I suspect to tell bits of a person's mindset values etc and their compatibility with me. 

Further on I would like a date to look kind of cute & friendly in their own way. 

It might not matter much how they were born but it is possible to style a person in a way that sends me running.

4 hours ago, InspectorACE said:

Are asexuals just as concerned about the looks of people they date as allosexuals?

Of course I can't speak for everybody.  What, besides looks, is there to make you pick somebody in a crowd? Don't you think looks indicate somehow if somebody would be a good match / fun to hang with? - I usually check: Will that hairdo survive wearing a crash helmet? Do clothes look cuddly? Would spilling a swig of coffee over them matter at all or be considered a major disaster? Does that person make a dressing effort I don't want to join? Are those clothes somewhat practical or must their designer have been on weird drugs?

All of that being said, I have a few pet peeves and a few preferences too, but I think I am quite open minded and not too picky.

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I do find people aesthetically attractive and I might even develop squishy feelings for them, but it's nothing serious. I get those regularly and forget about them as soon as the person leaves the room.

Romantic attraction for me is mostly about character, interests, and personality. I fell in love on the phone, so...

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It is important, just not the most important thing. I think an interesting personality is the thing that matters the most.

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To an extent yes, definitely! It’s not the most important factor by far -compatibility of the personalities, intellectual compatibility and functionality are much more important - and the guy doesn’t have to fulfil my personal ideal when it comes to aesthetics that would be ridiculous but he has to be aesthetically attractive enough in my eyes that I like to look at him and like to be physical with him.
If I find someone ugly as fuck and might even be repulsed by some or all of the features and characteristics I wouldn’t be able to hold, touch and kiss this person or simply be that close to him without feeling incredibly grossed out. As shallow as it might sound, unfortunately personality can’t help in this regard and it can’t neutralise this.
I can be good friends with and value everyone regardless of looks of course but when it comes to dating, relationships, romantic attraction and being intimate with someone I have to be aesthetically attracted to him or at the very least not repelled by his looks. 

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As far as a romantic partner, yes I would have to be attracted to them physically. That doesn't mean they have to be Zac Efron or anything, but they have to be attractive to me at least. For me, I would not want to hold hands and kiss someone who I don't find aesthetically attractive. But on the other hand, the emotional connection and common interests that we share is ten times more important. I think what really does it for me is when I just feel like I can be myself with that person, and when the person is kind of like a "partner in crime" to me, that we can sing together, watch movies together, laugh together. That's what I really care about more than anything, but of course if I want to do romantic things with you I would want the person to be attractive to me. 

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Looks don't really matter to me. As long as someone looks reasonably healthy there isn't anything else to it.

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I think to an extent they matter for me, now I value the personality and the mind a lot more than the body. However, I do want to be with someone I think is attractive and for them to be healthy. The thing is we are going to be old one day, no one is going to look like they did when they were in their 20s. So a relationship should have more to it than just liking someone's appearance, since external beauty is temporarily while internal beauty is forever. 

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Yes, aesthetic attraction is part of the equation for me. That doesn't mean they have to be a super model or some other ideal of beauty. It just means I personally need to feel some aesthetic attraction to them. And of course it isn't the only thing. There are a multitude of factors that make someone attractive to me. 

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Yes, although, I don't have a type. It's just that if you look pretty good, I think you've caught my attention. But not many people do that for me.

 

But of course, if your attitude is ugly and you don't mean well, the looks don't mean anything anymore. (¯―¯ )

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Yeah, but it's not like they have to be super beautiful or anything. Squish-speaking, I usually get that yearning to be friends because they're who I strive to be. Attractive and nice and really smart. I love people with pretty eyes most of all. 

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14 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

 I love people with pretty eyes most of all. 

I'm such a sucker for eyes, like just overal, the first thing i notice about people is their eyes. I can't help it! 
 

I find this question pretty hard because, I like it when people look good to me, but it's equally fine if they don't. And even when at first someone isn't physically attracting to me, their personality can change that, so not an easy question IMO

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When I was in elementary, middle and some of high school, looks were the main thing in my crushes from first glance. I didn't have any friends of the same sex that I was attracted to, so I liked guys I thought were cute. I had a very hard time to talk to someone I thought was attractive, so I had a bad habit to come up with the personality I wanted to match the looks. That changed when I fell in love the first time. He told me he was asexual and we had been great friends for months, and I wasn't attracted to his looks at all. It took me weeks to be attracted to his looks, but I eventually did and the aesthetic attraction grew overtime. When I fall for guy friends, especially when I fall in love (which has happened twice), the personality is more important and their looks start to grow on me.

 

Looks are important, but not an initial deal breaker since I know a person's looks can become more attractive to me overtime. Also due to my bad habit of fantasizing a crush's personality, I try to get to know the person and be friends with them first, if I'm not already. I will not get into a relationship on just looks alone.

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Important as long as she takes care of herself. It's nice seeing someone exercise and dress well. Otherwise personality>looks.

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well only to a certain point. I mean visually it´s easy to tell if a person takes proper care of themselves, and in this society the clothes you wear do say a lot about you whether people like it/agree or not. I wouldn´t say that a certain kind of features are important like "oh you need to have a greek nose and blue eyes" but rather in how they groom themselves. 

 

 

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I don't necessarily "date" but for partners of any kind, looks matter at first. Looks are often what draw me to a person in the first place if there are no other circumstances forcing me to be around them (work, school, etc.). But I've found that if I think someone is aesthetically attractive but their personality is disagreeable with mine, I start to dislike the physical features I first liked in them. It goes the other way though to, where if I don't find someone aesthetically attractive, but we have a connection, I will begin to find certain features of theirs attractive. It isn't even in the way that, "Personality is more important than looks," (which I totally agree with), but I literally begin to see a person differently as I learn more about them. This is probably why my aesthetic attraction is impossible to pin down; it is constantly changing based on the people I meet and connections I make. 

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44 minutes ago, kaseythefairy said:

Looks are often what draw me to a person in the first place

This is me. 

Looks are... very important in that initial spark for me?
So if I don't find someone aesthetically attractive, I don't ever seem to feel much else (and kinda hate myself for being so shallow..)

of course long-term; it's not the only thing
it's just that initial spark, allowing a person to catch my eye in that way
after that: they have to have personality otherwise that spark fitters out faster than a sparkler doused in a bucket of water

but it does need to be there in the first place

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I don't really care about looks, I'm all about personality. Looks don't last, what's inside does.

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I don't always date but when I do I make sure she's at least a 7. Lol

 

I actually lack a bit of self-confidence, which is why I haven't dated anyone in years. And quite frankly never actually been in a relationship. So naturally when I do decide to I would like to meet a beautiful woman. I mean, she doesn't need to be model-pretty but at least as attractive as myself (which people have said). It would also just be great to meet someone else who likes and shares the same interests as you.

 

Am I single, hell yeah I am and sometimes I would change it for the world! I love my freedom and independence. I already spend too much on myself as it is now lol. Besides, dating comes with a lot of drama. I am going to college right now and about to start working again. I need to focus on myself first and get my finances in order before I plan for the future.  

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I pretty much don't care about people's looks but it's in a different way with men and women. When it comes to men I really don't have any sort of aesthetic attraction to them so all I care about is their personality. Women on the other hand I find very beautiful, to the point where I am aesthetically attracted to almost every girl I see, so in a way, women's looks don't matter either because, chances are, if you're female, I'll think you're very pretty, no matter what you look like.

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On 6/13/2017 at 9:54 PM, InspectorACE said:

How much do you care about looks with regard to the people you date? As a hetero/homo/biromantic asexual, or even as an aromantic asexual, if you are not sexually attracted to the people you date, would it still be important that you find them aesthetically attractive? Are asexuals just as concerned about the looks of people they date as allosexuals?

Depends why im dating them. Sometimes I date for status or a apperence. Sometimes I date for connections. Generally if I'm dating for interest it's because I like your personality, I do prefer tall and skronny but if I like your personality most other things would be disregarded anyways. 

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Yes. If I ever dated someone, they'd have to be aesthetically attractive to me.

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