My Girlfriend is Asexual and I'm not sure how it's going to go

[Gabe]

    Welp, me and my girlfriend are quite young 15 each in fact We've been dating for 7 months (She suffers from quite bad anxiety issues, up to the point where she won't meet my parents and is afraid of saying certain things) , and I have discovered and talked about the fact that she is asexual. Now before anything I'd just like to get it out of the way that I love her to death, I've never really loved a person before her and I genuinely care about her and try as much I can to make her happy and she loves me back. But In these coming weeks I am incredibly confused. She goes through certain phases in these 7 months where she can either love me to death, or she just doesn't really seem to care. Where she's okay with hugging, touching, and kissing but a week or a day can pass and she wants nothing of it. This also goes with things like saying I love you or calling me things. Where she describes it as making her embarrassed, uncomfortable, and uneasy. I feel kinda really guilty because she feels no real intimacy, which is probably normal for someone like her, but I do, everything is just quite confusing, especially these waves of showing love more or less, in where she feels more or less comfortable. I really do support her being an asexual, and I really want to stay with her but I just don't understand everything that's going on. Some help would be extremely appreciated

[Icebearpanda]

First off, welcome. Second, dude, I'm 40 and I don't know how my dating life w the ace I like very much is going to go either- don't stress too much about that. After being on this board for a few months  I can guarantee that you're going to get a range of responses from "break up now and date your own kind" to "you're too young to tie yourself down yet/know what you want" to "here's my personal story that may/may not apply" to "here's some support" to "communication is key". Take what people say that works (I tend to agree with the "communication is key" people), and do what feels right to you and your partner. You may need to do research on your own about asexuality and then talk to her about what you read and what she thinks. I'm not going to speculate where on the ace spectrum your gf may fall, but I can say if she's with you, she cares about you. Don't mistake her not being affectionate in ways you're used to, and that society has sold us all on, to not feeling intimacy. You may have to change some of your default ways of thinking about and approaching relationships- it can feel uncomfortable and odd but you're not alone. Personally, I feel like all my relationship road maps are gone and it feels like a lot to unpack by myself, but that's what this forum is for. Also, if you're a reader (because it's not everyone's thing)I'm finding The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker very helpful. Good luck. 

[tiffybone]

Firstly, I suspect talking to her about this might help some things.  You both are so young, and trying to figure out how life works. I'm 24 and I still am, actually. lol 

 

While I can't speak for her, I know as a demisexual it can be hard to explain to people I am ROMANTICALLY attracted to them, but I need more time to emotionally bond with them to be comfortable with touching and kissing and the like. Most times people just think I'm playing hard to get, or I just don't like them. However, it really is just the "It's me, not you" in these situations. It's not a choice we have, it's just how we are. Trying to have intimate relations with people before I'm ready goes against every fiber of my being, and I just can't do it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand the idea that it is "your fault" when she pushes you away, but it might not be. Again, I think asking her about it and talking about it might help. I can't speak for her own emotions. 

[Gabe]

Thank you for replying it means a lot.

 

I've talked to her, I really have, seems liked the hardest talk I ever had. Basically it seems like this. She feels no intimacy, and she has waves of feel more or less comfortable with me where we can do the hugging and the kissing, and she acts like shes madly in love, and then a day can go by and she feels less comfortable. She said this can be due to her anxiety, but also how she feels when she wakes up, how people talk to her, and what happens in the day and this is what REAAALLY confuses me. We're still really young and figuring things out, but she says she is an Asexual and she really thinks she wont be able to do these things consistently for me and I respect that. But I donno... might things change, maybe she will just get more confortable, who the heckles knows. 

You've given me a great deal of hope. Might be false hope but hope is kinda what I need right now so I thank you. Any more advice or thoughts would be really appreciated.

[Pramana]

I would likewise suggest that talking to her about it is probably the best option. It's hard to tell whether the issues you describe relate to asexuality or whether they're due to her anxiety. Something else to consider is that while some asexual people experience romantic attraction, others do not, and so are both asexual and aromantic. I can't tell if that's a factor here, but it might be something to consider if you haven't done so already.

It's great that she has a supportive person in her life at this time. In the long term, it may become difficult to maintain a relationship, as pairings between asexuals and sexuals usually require more negotiation and compromise and it can be challenging to find a workable arrangement. But I would suggest that it probably makes more sense to focus on the immediate future, and then have a discussion about long-term plans at an appropriate time.

[tiffybone]

Of course! And feel free to message me if you want with questions!  It really might just be her own issues and sexuality, so I guess try not to automatically assume it's always you that's causing her to be distant. 

[Gabe]

When I talked to her she said she Is waving back and forth between Romantic and Aromonatic. In where she leans more toward Aromantic

[Gabe]

Thanks a bunch. 

 

So far I've tried to communicate, really really tried. I talked about her sexuality, her feelings towards me, She told me how she leans between romantic and aromantic but more on the aromatic side. So far it seems like she's just not willing to reach some sort of compromise, but also just wants to make me happy 

[iff]

Posts in duplicated thread have been merged into this thread

 

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

[nanogretchen4]

When someone just does not feel about you the same way you feel about them that is hard and disappointing, but you just have to move on. If you want a romantic and potentially sexual relationship with someone and they just don't want to have that same kind of relationship with you, the best you can actually get is friendship. So remain friends if you can handle that, and don't if you can't, but look for someone more compatible to date. Until very recently people would go ahead and say, "I just don't feel that way about you" rather than confusing what should be a simple issue with an elaborate list of sexual and romantic orientation labels that make no difference. Break up over incompatible orientations, or break up because she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, it's the same breakup either way. Better luck with your next relationship.

[gisiebob]

 

do not hope for change. do not hope that someone similar but 'better' will be the bodysnatcher to this person you care about. care about the person you see today. accept her, hold yourself at her arm's length away, support her.

[fatal flower-boy]

She doesnt seem sure, and she's not giving you a straight answer. If I were you, maybe I would just give the relationship a break. You guys are young, so maybe she just doesn't know what she wants. She may be trying to figure herself out. Let her sort out what she's feeling and not have her string you along in all this confusion. Good luck~

[Scase]

Hmm... Don't want to be a downer, but this sorta sounds like my first relationship... Anxiety is like a ticking time bomb in relationships, it stresses points here and there slowly, and eventually things fall apart is what I've found... In my case, she eventually dumped me because she had "personal stuff" to figure out (which had never been mentioned before, yay trust!) and it was just generally a really messy situation... I'm not saying that it's going to be the same in your case, but just be warned... You seem like a really nice guy who's really trying to watch out for her, but watch out for yourself too... Hopefully she'll figure out  how to deal with her anxiety, but if not, just know that it's not going to be the easiest relationship. 

Best of luck with it!

~Scase~