What is sexual attraction vs mental attraction?

[Jessica_Hellon]

Hello everyone. I am new here as I am sure you will find out through this post. I hope I am not beating a dead horse someone else has already slaughtered but I am a very interactive person and can only do so much blind research before wanting an outside opinion.

 

I am a 31 yr old female, queer, 2 divorces down and blessed with one small angel.

 

My issue is separating what is really sexual attraction and what is just a response to a stimulus that is almost Pavlovian in nature, whether that be societal expectation in a sexualized world or a beloved partners expectations.

 

- I believe that I experience at least mild sexual attraction to both men and women to a lesser degree. 

- I see a nice body, and appreciate the musculature, skin tone, shape etc. But I'm not sure any of it is actually sex driven or at least I don't think "I want to have sex with him/her" but I might want to touch.

- I get aroused mostly when reading erotic romance; primarily MM romance, but also purely hetero when I get a desire to read it; also by sexual like sounds, some scents, BDSM play (visual) and a few other things (almost all visual and mental but some tactile)

- porn can do it for me, but I almost never take the time to find it and if I do I have to fast forward to the exact act that I want to see in my minds eye (this tends to be a point of penetration which please note is not usually something I enjoy myself) and then it is only a means to an end.

- typically my masturbating is just for relief as I only find myself thinking about sex when A. I'm reading about it or B. someone else is discussing it.

- I enjoy the idea of sex, but have only ever enjoyed it when I had a deep connection (so as a demisexual) and after that connection has been made it seems that only lasts in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. Any and all "hook ups" have been miserable experiences for me. After that, there has only been one partner I've enjoyed sex with and even then I likely could've done without it myself.

- I enjoy discussing sex and can stimulate myself, but it is almost on a technical level, not really a very organic, let go, type process for me. It's like art. Beautiful, but I don't really paint.

- When I fantasize, sometimes I get more out of imagining two men having sex with little to no involvement on my part or if I'm involved I'm in charge and perhaps even using a strap on, although I have never actually done this and am not sure I'd actually want to if presented with the option. Perhaps with the right partners.

 

I said partners deliberately as my ideal relationship is on a triad with men who are bisexual or at least romantically inclined towards both men and women. But sex isn't the point. Like some people like blonde hair or body builder types, I have a serious attraction towards men together; flirting, touching, dating, kissing, just save room for me. 

 

My confusion comes from how much is it that I am sexually attracted and how much is leftover from having no idea I could be any way besides sexual. Sex was expected from not only my previous partners, but I expected it of myself. I went through puberty and was sexually driven, or at least I thought I was, or perhaps I just thought that was the only way to put energy into the affection and intimacy I wanted? 

 

I know women are said to be more mental when it comes to sex anyway, but to me it seems more like the idea is much better than actual sex and I'm trying to find my trueself and live it to the fullest.

 

The only sex to date with a partner (masturbation, oral, anal, vaginal) that I have enjoyed, has at least in large part been because my partner was being pleasured or pleased by it. 

 

If you have any thoughts, specific reading or research suggestions, please share. Finally discovering there isn't anything wrong with me not wanting sex has driven me to want to find out more.  

 

Note: by mental attraction I mean am I sexual or is it all in my head?

[Rynn]

Hi! Welcome !

 

You've probably seen this one already, but just in case you haven't:

Spoiler

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

I don't think "I want to have sex with him/her" but I might want to touch.

That's sensual attraction.

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

I get aroused mostly when reading erotic romance;

That's not attraction. Aces (asexuals) can be aroused by erotic romance and porn. They can also masturbate. That's just a thing your body does. It has to do with libido rather than sexual attraction or a desire for partnered sex.

 

Asexuality is most commonly defined as either a lack of sexual attraction or a lack of innate desire for partnered sex. There's a bit of a debate going on as to which one is correct. I personally like the second one better, because what constitutes sexual attraction is very subjective and hard to pin down. How would you know whether you've felt it if you don't know what it feels like?

Sexual desire is simpler. It's just a desire to have sex with another person. If you don't feel that, you're asexual.

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

 After that, there has only been one partner I've enjoyed sex with and even then I likely could've done without it myself.

Asexuals can enjoy the physical sensations of sex (sex-favourable aces).

A sex-favourable ace would say things like: Imagine sex is pie. If someone gives me pie, I can enjoy it. But I don't particularly want it otherwise. I could comfortably live my life without ever wanting pie again. 

The wanting, the craving, the desire, is not there for them.

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

When I fantasize, sometimes I get more out of imagining two men having sex with little to no involvement on my part

Google autochorissexuality/anegosexuality for this one. (two words for the same thing)

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

although I have never actually done this and am sure I'd actually want to if presented with the option.

I'm not sure if this was a typo? This sentence doesn't seem to match the ones around it. You are sure you'd want to do this? Or is a 'not' missing there? 

Because if you are sure you'd want to do that, then that sounds like you are sexual to me, just with a very specific paraphilia. (I don't know if the word 'paraphilia' carries negative connotations for you, but I don't mean this in a negative way at all. It's just another normal way of experiencing one's sexuality.)

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

The only sex to date with a partner (masturbation, oral, anal, vaginal) that I have enjoyed, has at least in large part been because my partner was being pleasured or pleased by it. 

Wanting to sexually please a partner, but not wanting to be pleased yourself, is called 'stone'. It's a normal variant of sexuality. I don't know much else about that, but google is your friend.

 

42 minutes ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

My confusion comes from how much is it that I am sexually attracted and how much is leftover from having no idea I could be any way besides sexual. Sex was expected from not only my previous partners, but I expected it of myself. I went through puberty and was sexually driven, or at least I thought I was, or perhaps I just thought that was the only way to put energy into the affection and intimacy I wanted?

Yes, that's tough to figure out. I hope all of this new vocabulary can help you understand yourself a bit better.

Sexuality is ridiculously complicated. Introspection is hard. Don't expect to be able to figure everything out at once. It will take time, but eventually you'll get there.

Don't hesitate to ask more questions  

 

Edit: Adding in a thread. I don't know, maybe you'll find something helpful in there:

Another edit: I just read the title of this thread (Oops, should have done that before I posted ), and I have no idea what mental attraction is. I have never heard of that term. Where did you see that pop up? I'm interested in learning more about it. 

[Jessica_Hellon]

Thank you very much for your lengthy reply and for reading through my very lengthy post as well. I will definitely be Googling the words you gave me and I have already looked at the thread that you linked and have found that very helpful. I had not actually seen the picture and the sexuality descriptions.

 

There was a typo as you questioned, there should have been a "not" in between those words. I have corrected that and added a note about my subject line. By mental attraction, I simply meant whether or not the attraction is all in my head or whether it is actual sexual

attraction.  So not to be confused with sapiosexual which from what I understand is being attracted based on someone's intelligence.

 

The jury is still out. I have leaned towards demisexual from the start, but I am definitely on a long road of self-discovery. I do appreciate your support greatly.

 

[Rynn]

2 hours ago, Jessica_Hellon said:

Note: by mental attraction I mean am I sexual or is it all in my head?

I'd like to be able to help you with that, but there isn't really a way for me to tell you what you are.

Members aren't allowed to tell each other how to identify, because we can't read each other's minds.

All we can do is give you tools, vocabulary, definitions, personal examples and experiences, to help you figure yourself out with.

I wish you the best of luck in doing that though  

[Éadweard]

I have no sexual attraction to anyone. This is what it means to me: I hang out with people, I look at attractive people, I talk to people, etc etc, and at no time do I ever think about what it would be like to have sex with them and so I don't pursue sex. 

 

I am attracted to many different people for many different reasons and become different kinds of friends with different people. But I'm never attracted to anyone in a sexual way. 

[M-ace]

I understand what you mean by learned sexual behavior that you develop over a lifetime based on societal expectations and partner expectations and how it can confusing to figure out where you fit in.  I am 36 years old and I spent years having sex with people that I was in relationships with and taking part in conversations with friends about a person's attractiveness etc in an attempt to be "normal."  I can definitely find people aesthetically appealing and like the idea of dates and kissing, but the sex itself was never something I wanted or enjoyed or got an orgasm from. 

I have a libido, and I masturbate, and I can give myself orgasms, but none of the people I slept with were able to. I always saw sex as a chore I had to complete and faked all of my orgasms.  Now that I've found the ace community and know there's nothing wrong with me for not actually wanting to have sex with someone, I feel like the pressure has been lifted and I can just be myself.  

 

Whatever your a/sexuality is, you deserve to feel comfortable and confident in that too! I hope you figure it out! 

 

[Grant me grACE]

Of the few people I've ever been with/interested in, when it came to intimacy, it was mostly cuddling and kissing. If I wanted to do more (or even that much), it was usually out of the desire to make *their* bodies "feel good," but not with sex from me (I'd want to help them reach orgasm, for example, but not through outright sex). I knew I would feel good by making them feel good, but I had no desire for them to touch me sexually, or to experience an orgasm of my own in that setting. Partnered sex doesn't really appeal much to me in that sense, and at 30 years old, I've never done it. I can take care of my libido on my own, efficiently and pleasantly, and while I sometimes wonder at what I'm "missing," it's not enough that I really want to go pursue it, and have turned it down in the past.

 

Some of my best fantasies revolve around coming "home" to my current romantic interest after a long day at work, greeting the dog, him leaning down to kiss me, and... that's it. Or us sitting/lying on the couch kissing, and... that's it. Never sex. That's about as vanilla as fantasies can get, I guess. I love the trace of silver in his hair, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, even the shape of his hands, but feel no sexual attraction. I was only very recently able to put a name to my asexuality, and it feels rude to say it, but when he rejected me, I was disappointed, but not sad, and maybe even a little... relieved? I'd never admit any of that to him because he has a very delicate ego, but I'm largely okay with it. We've talked about sex, and he wants it with a partner (his ex-wife was a lesbian, and came out while they were married, and he joked about not understanding until late in the game why she never wanted to cuddle), but I didn't want to tell him that I don't, so now it's a moot point.

 

Similarly, a woman I know (who made the first move, and was the first person I came out to) is no longer interested in being with me because I'm not interested in sex. That one hurts because I put it all on paper, making myself completely open and vulnerable with her, and she said she would consider what I said and respond, but we haven't discussed it since. We just went back to the time before she made a move and said she wanted to date me. So now when people ask if we're together anymore, I say I'm pretty sure we're not, and I'm getting more sure as the days go by, though I'm getting some mixed signals.

 

Being asexual in a sexual world isn't easy. It's real, sometimes it's fun, but it isn't real fun.