Newbie finding both acceptance and despair

[TroyMaclure]

I'm married and have been dealing with what seems to be an asexual relationship with my wife for a long time. I'm not sure if she is truly asexual since at one time she had an intense sex drive but in time it disappeared completely and we haven't had any kind of sex in years. I went through a long period of self-doubt and self-hatred assuming it had to be a failure on my part. I also jumped through many hoops trying to "fix" the problem. I have carried around years worth of deep resentment not because of the lack of sex but her attitude of indifference. It seemed that her attitude was "since lack of sex doesn't bother me, then it YOUR problem". I never assumed it was HER problem but always OUR problem.

Anyways I have been reading posts here for a while and I can say it has helped me release a lot of my anger and understand that it might be simply who she is at this stage in her life. However, it has also left me feeling hopeless that our marriage has any future. I can't see how any kind of compromise is even possible if having sex just for my benefit holds absolutely no appeal to me. I love her dearly, but as much I want to try and pretend that sex is simply some passing urge or that I can put my desire for passion within our marriage aside, I now realize that it is impossible. As each year passes I feel part of me dying along with some of the feeling of connection I shared with my wife.

Therefore I am left with understanding and the sad realization that my marriage is about to end.

Anyone got any magical advice that will make everything perfect? :? No?

Well how about comments then

[The Evil Cashew]

Does she know how you feel? step 1 is always talking to your partner. and you have to be honest.

other than that, i have never been married so i can;t offer much...

sorry but *hugs* and hopefully someone else will come along with some better comments

~Cashew

[sonofzeal]

I'm sorry, there's no "magical advice" I can offer. Some sexual/asexual relationships can indeed work, as Forbidden Fury and others on this board will attest. Your wife's attitude is not helping things though. If your lack of doing simple household chores was bothering her, whose problem would that be? Not that sex should be a chore, but anything one partner does -or fails to do- that bothers the other partner is a problem for both, and needs to be resolved by both.

Have there been other issues that have compromised emotional intimacy between you, to make her no longer concider your pains and your pleasures important? Beyond that, does your wife know how serious your feelings are on the subject? Does your wife know that you'd concider divorse as preferable to a life without sex? Is there any level of sexual compromise that would work for you and fulfill your needs if she was willing, despite her lack of desire for it?

[vikingo]

Welcome TroyMaclure.

I agree that it should be something you try to sort out together with openness and honesty, starting with making a door or two in the walls that seem to have risen between you.

[TroyMaclure]

Sonofzeal

Over the years I have gone through the usual suspects of causes for her change in feelings but nothing seems to fit.

We tend not to get too far when we try to talk about it. I suppose as is often the case in sexual / asexual relationships, the asexual partner begins to view sex as nothing more then a physical act while the sexual partner views it as far more. So no matter how often I try and describe what it means to me, she seems to limit her understanding by constantly talking about sex as an insignficant part of marriage.

I'm not sure what more talking can accomplish if this is just the way she is. There would seem to be nothing either of us can do to change who we are. I would be happy with very little sex as long as it was an honest expression of her desire, but without the desire there is no way to even talk about compromise.

[sonofzeal]

I figured as much.

You're right that most asexuals don't associate sex with intimacy and love and all those warm fuzzy things. But most, after hanging around this forum enough, can gain an understanding of it and what it means to us non-asexies.

On the other hand, it sounds like your wife doesn't want to learn. If so, and sex is important enough to you, I don't see anything wrong with moving towards a divorce. It sounds like things arn't working out all that well anyway.