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New help handling an friendship with a sexual


Joycee

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I've had this very close friendship for about 2 years with someone who is sexual. I myself identify as aromantic asexual. I tried to explain who I am from the very beginning to her. Thought she understood. Our friendship really really grew close over time. Neither of us were in a relationship of any kind. We spent so much time together & enjoyed each other's company. It became very comfortable. We were spending so much time together that I guess? It started to look like we were a couple. We're just friends but the pressure of everyone's assumptions got the best of my friend & she pulled away. She didn't like the way she was being perceived by hanging out with me. Other people's perspectives were getting in her head & made her question why I did the things I did for her. Why I treated her so kindly & talked to her the way I did. Making her feel like I must want something more than friendship. She said I was overstepping by bounds by the things I did. Why can't I just be her friend. Well I thought that's what I was doing? Being the type of person I am. I put more emphasis & value on friendship. They are like relationships to me. Idk what to do? How to help her understand? She won't ever answer my texts now. People have her thinking that she looks gay because of the way we're so close. She's not & neither am I. She wants a sexual relationship with a man. I don't want one at all. Just happy having a close friend to hang with & talk to & confide in. She was really enjoying our friendship until some narrow minded person made her feel like it was wrong & something other than what it was. Any suggestions on what to do now? I don't want our friendship to end because of this.

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Sounds like you two need to have an open and honest talk.

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All the little Lights

1. Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

2. I don't want a relationship and feel the same way as your friend does. I don't want others to think I am in one! But that's really not something one can control. You can't change what you're perceived as, and it's not really fun to change yourself so you're seen differently. I have been advised to not care so much about what people think. I know it's difficult.

3. Your friendship seems really kind to me! 

4. I can also see how your friend thinks you want something more from her. Because everything she was told is that's the way a person treats you when they're in love with you. That's what we learn from every rom-com we see. But you could try to emphasize that you only want to be her friend. For example send her no-romo cards, tell her how being aro ace feels like,...

5. If she doesn't answer your texts, maybe write her a letter?

Or wait some time. People need to think about such things sometimes. So if they need a week to answer, that's ok too.

6. It could be really important that your friend really knows and understands that you're aro ace (well especially that you don't want a relationship). If you told her a long time ago, she could have forgotten about it, or think it's not the case anymore ("wait until you're older!") because you never talked about it since.

(I am assuming from your text you didn't talk a lot about it with her, but if you did, then I'm sorry!)

7. Have a nice day/evening/night/whatever in your timezone!

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nanogretchen4

The underlying problem here is your friend's homophobia. People who are not homophobic can't be controlled and manipulated by people calling them gay. Her peers will keep using that tactic against her as long as it keeps working. Maybe someday when someone calls her gay she will jokingly go along with it instead of getting all upset and rushing to deny it. Or maybe she will just calmly look at them until they feel awkward and then sweetly ask if that was supposed to be an insult. When she is able to do that, they will stop calling her gay, and eventually they may even grow up themselves.

 

In the meantime, you have done nothing wrong and there's nothing more you can do. She has a choice between keeping a real friend or trying to be popular with so called friends who are playing mind games. Try to make new friendships while you wait for her to get her act together.

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On 5/31/2017 at 3:39 PM, All the little Lights said:

like,...

I guess I should have mentioned that we are both in our 40's. she was brought up in a strict household by old school parents. Things weren't seen as they are today. We both battle anxiety & depression. Over different issues. Hers are OCD & fears of not being accepted. Mine are more over being alone & abandoned. We were perfect friends for each. We complimented each other's faults well. She was strong. Where I lacked & vice versa. Anyway I used to have a girl roommate for 20 years. It was strictly a platonic relationship. The only thing that complicated things was we owned property together. So our finances were combined. We worked at the same place. So I guess ppl had a certain perception of who we were? Not our friends or anyone who's been to our home. Coworkers. Her & I no longer live together but I guess certain ppl assumed her & I were more than just friends. Well one them is the cause for my new friends fear of my friendship. He said something to someone close to her & it snowballed from there. I guess because he worked w/me for 15years? He would know & I wasn't being honest w/her about who I am. How I'm wired. How can I help her understand what it means to be ace aro? It's hard to explain to ppl who don't feel the same way. Especially if they've never heard the terminology before. I'm just so upset over this whole thing. I don't know what to do to fix things.

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not much you can do on your end but be open to communication and be understanding.

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All the little Lights
12 hours ago, Joycee said:

I guess I should have mentioned that we are both in our 40's. she was brought up in a strict household by old school parents. Things weren't seen as they are today. We both battle anxiety & depression. Over different issues. Hers are OCD & fears of not being accepted. Mine are more over being alone & abandoned. We were perfect friends for each. We complimented each other's faults well. She was strong. Where I lacked & vice versa. Anyway I used to have a girl roommate for 20 years. It was strictly a platonic relationship. The only thing that complicated things was we owned property together. So our finances were combined. We worked at the same place. So I guess ppl had a certain perception of who we were? Not our friends or anyone who's been to our home. Coworkers. Her & I no longer live together but I guess certain ppl assumed her & I were more than just friends. Well one them is the cause for my new friends fear of my friendship. He said something to someone close to her & it snowballed from there. I guess because he worked w/me for 15years? He would know & I wasn't being honest w/her about who I am. How I'm wired. How can I help her understand what it means to be ace aro? It's hard to explain to ppl who don't feel the same way. Especially if they've never heard the terminology before. I'm just so upset over this whole thing. I don't know what to do to fix things.

Hmmm...

 

Well with explaining what being ace aro I didn't mean explain the terminology.

I meant more like "declare your feelings".

For example, what do you think about relationships? Speak your mind, when someone makes a sexual or romantic comment. In other words, be visibly ace aro. (I don't want you to change your personality, just to live it! If you aren't the kind of person who does that don't do it)

 

And yes, homophobia seems to be a problem too. But although there's nothing wrong with being gay, some people might get offended when they're assumed to be. I also get offended when I'm perceived as straight, allo etc. So that's kind of ok. But there is a slightly different touch to it, when it wouldn't be ok to be gay.

 

There might not be something you can do right now. Wait until she writes you back maybe?

 

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