Jump to content

Looking for Answers


Penny

Recommended Posts

I just found your site today. Your description of the various forms of asexuality is very helpful.

I am trying to figure out why my marriage of almost 18 years has been so sexually dysfunctional. Despite marriage counseling and very pragmatic sex therapy, my husband, after a brief period of interest, has always returned to a state of almost total impotency when it comes to having sex with me. During the years when we tried to get pregnant, he was very motivated to have intercourse but now that those years are gone, he no longer is. He continues to be very interested in masturbating so I know he is not physically impaired.

We were well into our middle age when we got married. I think I was the first long term relationship (i.e. more than a few weeks) that he ever had--no girlfriends, no boyfriends, almost no sex at all other than frequent masturbation. Before we got married, he did indicate that he had had impotency issues with other women but I didn't think much of that since at that time, he was able to perform most of the time with me. He has always had lots of women friends and claims to be sexually interested in women. he likes to kiss and hug far more than I do and gets angry that I don't initiate these behaviours enough. There's never enough to satisfy him.

After many years of celibacy, I'm beginning to feel cheated by this relationship. The worst part for me is that my husband blames me for our lack of a physical relationship. "Castrating bitch" is an easy term that gets tossed around from time to time with little or no provocation. My belief is that he doesn't want to or is incapable of considering that he may not be heterosexual or that he has deep-seated sexual problems that have nothing to do with me. Many years ago, I just got tired of trying to work around all of his sexual limitations. It was a great deal of work with very little pay off. However, I do not want to do anything behind his back and I think even broaching the subject of openly having an extramarital relationship would really, really hurt him.

So my question is how do I even begin to discuss with him whether he might be asexual (or homosexual for that matter)? We stopped talking about our lack of sex a long time ago. He would claim that a return to the sex therapy practices would renew his sexual interest. But I know from experience that his renewed interest would be short lived. I see the sex therapy as a mechanical fix that doesn't address the real underlying problem--whatever that might be.

Is it usual for an asexual person to blame the partner for the lack of sex? I am convinced that he is not consciously hiding his sexual orientation from me but he may not know himself. Is that typical of an asexual person?

Perhaps I should say that I'm not a totally unattractive woman. I'm reasonably fit and am told I look younger than my years.

I'd appreciate any input you can give. Thanks for your help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What you've described sounds like a variation on a very common theme we hear here. Because asexuality is a relatively recent discovery, most people are simply not aware of it in the first place, so they haven't had the oppertunity to look at their own life and orientation in that context. And having your body not react the way you think it's supposed to can be a troubling experience, especially for guys. Our culture links sexuality and sexual prowess with masculinity; guys who can't perform feel like "less of a guy". And while most asexual guys are physically capable of performing, the lack of desire and interest often ammounts to the same thing. Many will go through the motions in order to appear "normal", and build up an unhealthy layer of denial around the whole thing. And, like most forms of denial, they'll usually react poorly when evidence to the contrary comes out. That seems to be what you're facing - he's unwilling to admit that his lack of interest is part of who he is, so he blames you for it. I wouldn't say it's typical, but it certainly seems like a possible reaction to me.

As to how to open up the topic of asexuality, the "we need to talk" card works. If you want to be a little more subtle, you could print out some of the information on asexuality from the website, and leave it lying around the house somewhere that he's likely to see when he'd have the time to read it. You should also know that the "typical" reaction to learning about asexuality is to swear off sex as much as possible, so be prepared for that if you do introduce him.

Oh, and it sounds to me like he's being verbally abusive. Are you sure this relationship is healthy, even ignoring the sexuality issues?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Penny.

I would expect it to take at least two persons to build the kind of tension that make people adress one another the way you describe. After so long time I assume that neither of you want it to end but rather to get things working.

Therapy could be a way but it requires that you are both positive about it which seems not to be the case for you. Therapy does not have to involve a third party. You could do it yourself. Just the two of you. That would probably make you both more open to yourself and each other.

Try to sense what turns him on - if he is so - when he is working on his own, so to say. Some people - both women and men - do have thoughts and fantasies which they are reluctant to share even if they deep inside wish to do so. Things that they wait for people to ask them instead.

Get a few books on relevant subjects, read them both of you, and work it out. Let yourself be the one to ask the magic question.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Welcome Penny.

I would expect it to take at least two persons to build the kind of tension that make people adress one another the way you describe. After so long time I assume that neither of you want it to end but rather to get things working.

Not true. I've known too many people who've lived through abuse and/or bad relationships. Yes, it can a two way thing, but I don't think it's fair of you to make that assumption. In general, tensions arise when expectations are not met, but that can happen because one person's not trying, or because the other person's expectations are simply unrealistic.

The fact that she refers to the insult in question as "an easy term that gets tossed around from time to time with little or no provocation" suggests to me that there's some serious issues going on here, which is why I commented on it in my post. But that isn't the point of her post, and I don't think veiled accusations are a good response. She may be partially at fault, but her guy may just be a creep, and I think that's something she'll have to decide for herself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest missygirl

Thats just like my relationship with my husband.This is our second marrige each and I believed that his sexual inhibitions was due to his disastious first relationship with first wife who was according to his family a real cow so i made allowances.we married 8yrs ago and have had sex about a dozen times.He loves me i know and will do anything for me but no cuddles or caresses. I felt like just a cook and cleaner.Now i have found this group it has lifted the dark cloud of depression i have suffered for years.he has no idea that he is asexual and do i inform him or not.It is a very lonely relationship as i am a very loving person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hallucigenia
he has no idea that he is asexual and do i inform him or not.

I don't think that "informing him" that he is asexual is exactly the right choice of words - no one likes to have a label forced upon them. However, it does sound like he may be asexual. Instead of saying "You are XYZ!", it might be a good idea to bring up the topic of asexuality in a more neutral context - just introduce him to the idea that some people have no sexual attraction, and see what his reaction is. If he seems open to that idea, you can say something like "I've been reading about asexuals, and they remind me of you in XYZ ways... Do you think that you might be asexual?"

Then have a good long honest chat, give 'im the link to this site, and hope for the best.

Marriages between a sexual and asexual are very difficult things, but if each partner respects and communicates with the other, they can work. There are many people here who are in such relationships and can give you both good advice. I wish you luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...