Jump to content

New here


otachi

Recommended Posts

Hello!

 

You can call me Otachi. I'm in my early twenties and I'm a Literature major. I like long books, kaiju movies, tea and a British band called Manic Street Preachers. I also like other music, but not as much as I like Manics.

 

I was mostly on Tumblr, but the current "asexual discourse" made me left the site after being harassed by multiple people for using the word "queer". I have known that I'm asexual for a few years now, although this has changed for a few times. I have been straight, bisexual, lesbian (back when I identified as a woman), pansexual, asexual, demisexual and, as of a few months ago, asexual again. I'm in the gray areas of asexuality: I don't experience sexual attraction or desire sexual relations, but I will have sex with a partner if they want to so we can feel closer to each other, although this will take time, since my relationship with sex varies from "I'm okay with it" to "I'm disgusted by it". I'm recently also questioning my romantic orientation. I used to consider myself panromantic, since I could see myself in a relationship with any gender, but lately I realized that I don't really feel romantic attraction. I've been in numerous relationships in my life, but most of them were unhealthy and relied on codependency and not really on romantic attraction. For example, I got into my first relationship when I was 13 only because I felt I needed to be in a relationship to fit in among other people. That relationship lasted for 5 years and, sure, we had good moments, but it was really unhealthy. I forced myself to do things I didn't want to (sex) and I felt really afraid of telling her I wasn't interested in sex and that I was questioning my gender. Whenever I told her I might not be a girl, she would immediately tell me "no, you're a girl, you're a lesbian" and she would be really upset whenever I told her I didn't want sex. So much, that was one of the reasons she broke up with me - I wasn't "happy enough" for her (she didn't accept that I was mentally ill and thought I should be "cured" because she loved me) and I didn't "love her enough" (because I wasn't interested in sex). And thinking now, I don't think I loved her romantically. I wanted to be with her because she was my friend, because I would tell her everything that was happening with me and she would listen to it and that was enough for me. I felt the need to kiss her and hug her, but when that happened, I realized I didn't really wanted that (we were in a long-distance relationship for all of those years - she broke up with me two weeks after we met in person).

 

But that break up hit me hard. In my mind, I needed to be with someone so I could be alive, because there was no point of being alive and being unloved. So I got into a few relationships only because I wanted to feel loved, without really thinking about my feelings towards the other person. And, again, most of those relationships were unhealthy. I felt disgusted that we needed to have physical contact. One of those relationships was a polyamorous one and one of them broke up with the two of us because they felt jealous of me being able to be physically with the other partner (they lived very far away, while the other partner lived close to me). The guilt and the fact that I didn't feel like I loved the other partner enough led me to break up with her. After that, I fell into an abyss of depression and self-destruction because I felt broken and unable to love and be loved, among other things that aren't relevant to this discussion. Eventually I got into another relationship. I was with an asexual person and that was good because I didn't feel pressure. That relationship was mostly emotional support and I had feelings for her, but they relied in codependency: we both were mentally ill, so I thought we should stick together to help each other. Eventually she broke up with me because she couldn't handle my self-destructiveness, but we kept being friends and we are friends to this day. (tw: suicide mention) A few months after this relationship ended I was hospitalized due to a suicide attempt (unrelated to the end of the relationship).

 

After I left the hospital and the time I took to recover from the attempt, I came to a few realizations:

 

1) Love won't cure me. Feeling loved has nothing to do with recovering from mental illness.

2) I'm asexual and that's not a problem.

3) None of the relationships I had relied on romantic attraction. Most of them relied on the fact that I felt I needed to be loved in order to be worthy of living.

4) I rushed myself into those relationships because I couldn't stand the idea of being abandoned (I have borderline personality disorder), so I needed someone to constantly tell me that they would not go away.

5) I'm have not experienced real romantic attraction, so I'm probably aromantic.

 

Now I'm slightly more stable than I was a few years ago. I'm able to analyze my feelings and I don't rush myself into relationships. I'm currently in a relationship with the partner of the polyamorous relationship that lives close to me and we are taking things slowly for both of our sakes. She respects my position on sex and romance, I don't feel coerced into doing things I don't want to and our relationship works. I don't refer to her as my girlfriend, but as my partner because that's how I feel about her. We do everything together and our relationship is not a traditional one.

 

So, that's my story. I'm sorry for the giant wall of text.

 

(Edited to add content warning)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm glad that you found your way here, and it sounds like you're figuring yourself out. : ) Like you're doing what's best for you now. It can take a lot of difficult experiences and events in life to realize these things. I hope that your current relationship goes well! You'll meet a lot of supportive people that can relate to you here. Take your time exploring, and I hope you enjoy being a member!!

 

Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake):

 

Spoiler

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

 

Image result for wonderful cake

Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, kelico said:

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm glad that you found your way here, and it sounds like you're figuring yourself out. : ) Like you're doing what's best for you now. It can take a lot of difficult experiences and events in life to realize these things. I hope that your current relationship goes well! You'll meet a lot of supportive people that can relate to you here. Take your time exploring, and I hope you enjoy being a member!!

 

Now, for some more helpful information about the site, in addition to my welcome (and cake):

 

  Reveal hidden contents

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

 

Image result for wonderful cake

 

Thanks for the warm welcome and the cake!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...