A view and question from a new member.

[Gbob]

Hello

 

First the basics: sexless marriage for last 24 years, no physical contact involved at all (not just sexual). My wife is a very special person with many great gifts including great empathy (with others), a caring nature, highly intelligent and can be a good laugh. I have a terminal illness but am fighting all I can.

 

I may well be wrong (and I hope I am) but it seems to me that much of what I have read on this site so far takes little or no consideration of how being asexual can be devastating for partners. I strongly believe everyone has the right to be what they want to be but I have a question: did anyone actual admit to a prospective partner/wife/husband that they will not be ever having sex before entering into the relationship and, if not, why not?

 

Please do not take anything written here as any form of criticism or conflict with anyone being asexual as that is not my position, outlook or intention. I suppose I am really asking if the position partners find themselves in (often with no indication of the real position at the start of the relationship - which I do not like) actually matters to those on this site or is it just some sort of "collateral damage"?

 

Some of you may be surprised to know that this is the first time I have ever sent a communication to a web based site or forum on any subject - I don't do so-called "Social Media".

 

If you are still reading - thank you for your time. 

 

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

The general consensus on this forum is that you should inform your partner about your asexuality as soon as you can, and if possible, try to find a partner with a similar level of interest in sex as you. I don't think that many people suggest hiding things like that from your partner (that would be unhealthy and unfair to everyone in the relationship).

 

The situation that you're talking about, in which someone who is sexual is stuck in a long marriage with someone with little to no interest in sex, usually doesn't arise from a partner knowing they're asexual who keeps it a secret. Often, these people have no idea what asexuality is, and so go into a marriage thinking that they're normal and that their partner will be like them, or that their feelings will change. And even if they know their position on sex in comparison to their partner's beforehand, they may not realize that it's okay to be the way they are and may try to change to match their partner, which again is unhealthy for everyone. (Please keep in mind that I am not referring to couples in which one is asexual but is comfortable being sexual with their partner, as those do exist.)

 

This is a site for asexuals, so yes, you will see the asexual side of mixed couples being represented and talked about more here. However, we do acknowledge that sexuals in mixed relationships go through a lot of stuff to. Support for them can be found under "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies"

[chair jockey]

^ This. While it's not universal, I've always advised married people who realize that they're asexual and just didn't know when they got married, to inform their partners and talk about it to see what can be done. But many times people HAVE talked about it to their partners and are at thier wits' end in terms of resolving the issues, so they speak up here for advice. And sexual people come here as well asking for tips on how to handle having an asexual partner they want to stay with.

 

The problem of people getting married without realizing that they're asexual is usually related to year of birth. It's typically older people who got married and even had kids before asexuality was visible enough for them to find out about it. I haven't seen many people younger than 25 come here saying they got married without knowing they were asexual, and quite a few younger people swear up and down that they will remain single throughout their lives (especially when they are aromantic, since there are quite a few aro aces as well).

[Lady Girl]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! Yes, most everyone here would recommend full disclosure. My husband didn't know such a thing as asexuality existed. That doesn't mean he didn't know how he felt...but he loved me and I think believed he could always just do what is typically expected in a romantic relationship. About 25 years in, that wasn't the case anymore and here we are. I think that's the general background story for most people who find themselves in the situation you describe.

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!