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So my boyfriend just told me hes asexual


Aaronsgirlfriend

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Aaronsgirlfriend

So as of today my boyfriend and I actually discussed it and he refers to himself as just "hating sex" but the word asexual seems to be a comfortable term to him hes 21 and i think hes still figuring out who he is in general. As a sexual person, prior to us talking about it, i thought he didnt like me and i got in my head about it. Now that I know its not me and i understand him a little more he still says we can have sex sometimes and he doesn't seem to be sex repulsed . Im unsure because I know asexual people have sex but even if hes not sex repulsed is letting him have sex with me wrong of me? I know he's doing it because he loves me and he knows I enjoy sex but because i love him too should i let him? Is an asexual person compromising to meet my needs like me (a trans woman) presenting as male to satisfy a conservative relative or something. I know if i had to engage in my hypothetical situation id be mortified and it would be really hard i just don't want to let him do something that he doesn't wanna do and I don't think he'd tell me he didn't want to i think hed just do it. Im so unsure still and im scared because I don't know what to do and i love him so much I just want to make him happy 

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Everyone is different. Some asexuals are quite happy to have sex occasionally with their partner, out of love. It's possible it's not a hardship for him like presenting as male would be for you. Of course, there's a spectrum of asexuality; so it's possible he's fine with sex sometimes for your sake and his enjoyment comes from your enjoyment; or he could be less happy about it, or he could be bored or have some other feelings about sex. At this point I would suggest the best thing to do is take him at his word and trust him. And keep the communications open. Good luck!

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12 hours ago, Vannassecret said:

. Im unsure because I know asexual people have sex but even if hes not sex repulsed is letting him have sex with me wrong of me? I know he's doing it because he loves me and he knows I enjoy sex but because i love him too should i let him?

You might be confusing asexuality and celibacy.  Celibacy is a choice and a commitment.  Asexuality is actually an orientation, and for us, "choosing" to have sex is not really an option most of the time because we are not sexually stimulated or we would simply not enjoy the experience whatsoever.

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You seem like you're over-thinking this a little. If he says he's okay with occasionally having sex, then he probably is. Lots of asexuals manage to make relationships with sexual people work, though it does require compromise from both parties. He's compromising by being willing to have sex with you sometimes, and you can compromise by not asking him to have sex as often as you'd like to. Or, there might be other things not involving actual sex that the two of you can do to satisfy both your needs. That's something you'll need to work out between the two of you. Or, there's always the option of attempting an open relationship where you satisfy your sexual needs elsewhere, and he maybe gets romantically involved with people other than you. This doesn't work for most people, but it's something to consider. 

 

Here's the cold, hard truth: sexual people need sex. If you try to go without it, you won't be happy, which will probably result in difficulties for your relationship anyway. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking him to have sex with you. As long as he's okay with it - as he's said he is - then you're not doing anything wrong by just asking. Just remember to keep talking to him, and asking him how he's feeling about things to avoid having him feel pressured. For now, trust him to tell you when he's not comfortable with something, and respect his boundaries when this happens. Figuring out how to meet both of your needs is going to take effort and compromise, but most couples need to negotiate things to make a relationship work.

 

23 hours ago, Vannassecret said:

Is an asexual person compromising to meet my needs like me (a trans woman) presenting as male to satisfy a conservative relative or something.

No. It's not. Your theoretical relative (at least, I hope this relative is theoretical) doesn't need you to present as male in order to maintain their overall happiness. You do need to have sex for the sake of your mental and physical health, and you won't be doing your partner, or your relationship any favours by denying yourself things you need. The trick is to find a way to satisfy as many of your needs, and your partner's as you can. As I previously stated, compromise, and most importantly, communication will be involved.   

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A good compromise is where you are both okay with it. Keep talking and try to find a mutually acceptable agreement. Just dont forget to feel what you feel about it. 

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  • 2 months later...
On 5/24/2017 at 7:06 PM, Vannassecret said:

So as of today my boyfriend and I actually discussed it and he refers to himself as just "hating sex" but the word asexual seems to be a comfortable term to him hes 21 and i think hes still figuring out who he is in general. As a sexual person, prior to us talking about it, i thought he didnt like me and i got in my head about it. Now that I know its not me and i understand him a little more he still says we can have sex sometimes and he doesn't seem to be sex repulsed . Im unsure because I know asexual people have sex but even if hes not sex repulsed is letting him have sex with me wrong of me? I know he's doing it because he loves me and he knows I enjoy sex but because i love him too should i let him? Is an asexual person compromising to meet my needs like me (a trans woman) presenting as male to satisfy a conservative relative or something. I know if i had to engage in my hypothetical situation id be mortified and it would be really hard i just don't want to let him do something that he doesn't wanna do and I don't think he'd tell me he didn't want to i think hed just do it. Im so unsure still and im scared because I don't know what to do and i love him so much I just want to make him happy 

A young man often doesn't know how to describe what he really feels, nor is he self-aware. That comes with time.

 

In your boyfriend's case, he may be trying to tell you in his clumsy way that he doesn't feel what you feel when he's having sex with you, and that the discrepancy bothers him.

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if you found someone that you cared about in such a way that you chose to present yourself as male around them just to be mindful of their comfort and you were ok with that, would that be wrong?

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Some aces I've seen have normal or even high libidos and don't mind sex, they might just not have sexual attraction. As others already said, communicate and be understanding if you can. I hope things work out for both of you.

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To the OP: you love him and you want to make him happy, but everybody also want to be happy themselves. Being head over heels in love migth make you forget yourself, but eventually...

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Aaronsgirlfriend

Yah i know, were starting to talk a little more about compromise because i really want this to be long lasting and hes ok with that. I just think itll take a while to figure out what that entails

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I'd recommend to give him time to figure things out. Be prepared for changes though, it's possible for him to not be able to "handle" as much sex as he might have previously at times. Keep in touch, talk things through and, most importamtly, trust his judgement. If he feels like he can talk to you and/or turn down the prospect of sex when he doesn't feel like it, he's so much more likely to be upfront and honest with you. And if that's the case, there's no reason not to trust his judgement.

 

You both have to try to establish (or keep :)) an environment where things can be brought up without the fear of consequences. You both need the support of one another :)

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You also have to ask yourself if you're fine with your partner never experience any sexual desire towards you.

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