Intimacy, fear, disgust & relationships

[Ƒawn]

Hi everyone! I hope this is the right place for this topic. Idk if this will be TMI but I'll try to tell my story and see if anyone can help me through this confusion. 

 

To begin from the beginning, I've been having crushes on girls for years (I'm born -93) and realized I like women when I was about 15/16. I've always been a little late in the social aspect, was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 18 and it's at least somewhat accurate. 

 

I didn't feel any sexual attraction or desire to have sex until I rather unexpectedly experienced my first orgasm at 19 years old. It wasn't planned, I didn't even realize it had been an orgasm until a few days later. I had imagined it would feel "more." But it was nice and I started experimenting with that.

 

However, I feel very uncomfortable about my private parts and it took me several weeks before I could actually bear to touch myself down there without the barrier of panties/fabric. Further into the process I learned to accept and enjoy touching my nipples as well but on occasion I still need to stop sometimes because I get this anxious discomfort bubbling up. I do experience dysphoria on rare occasions, not gender dysphoria but simply...dysphoria. I feel wrong and get anxiety and wonder why we, humans, everything, even exists. It usually passes in a few minutes and I've learned to just stay calm and wait it out. 

 

I have vaginismus. I only stimulate the clitoris/outer parts because my vajj is closed for business. Will avoid pap smears as long as I can, it won't be nice. It's one of my many sexual fantasies to be penetrated though, but as soon as there's anything actually there it's just closed and hurts and it ruins the mood. 

 

When it comes to being intimate with other people I've never tried. The thought of touching another person's genitals usually terrifies and disgusts me. Even kissing terrifies me and seems gross. I love fan fiction (reading and writing, though I usually avoid to write sex scenes and I don't like it too explicit when I read either) and I have a pretty dirty mind, I make a lot of sexual jokes and puns. I'm kind of kinky when it comes to the imagination, fiction. But with a real person, even in my imagination, all I feel is anxiousness, discomfort, and sometimes disgust. 

 

I've never had sex with or kissed another person (except for clumsy tries with clashing teeth when I was like 11 but that feels like a whole other reality because I didn't have a lot of anxiety back then, I was just a kid and no one expected a lot of me). 

 

I've had two relationships that I consider relationships, one at ~15 with a younger boy and one 2 years ago with a pre-T FtM. I've cuddled some, I like that even though I also get stressed by it. The first bf got to grab my (very tiny at that point, but they're still tiny) boobs and also my butt. He wanted me to grab his butt too, which I only did that once because he asked. It felt weird. It felt awkward. I just wanted to lie close.

 

The second bf I spooned some with (I still miss it) and we hugged, I raked my fingers through his hair a couple of times and I wanted to be able to do it without pressure and anxiety and discomfort but nope. He peppered kisses over my face and it was alright except I worked myself into a freeze/lockdown because I felt so bad that I couldn't kiss him back. I made progress with overcoming my fears with him but it was just so slow and it worries me. Will I ever be able to have a romantic/sexual relationship? I eventually broke up with him because I couldn't handle the thought of him changing, becoming a man physically, and that's when I started thinking of myself as a lesbian rather than bi/pan. Perhaps homoflexible is more accurate, I just recently found the word.

 

To sum this novella up, I don't really think I'm asexual but I'm confused and when I google my problems it's always ace threads that pop up in the results. My menstrual/hormonal cycle affects me a lot, I almost always know when I'm ovulating because I suddenly notice guys and think about sex more (and positively). But there are also times where I can't even read smutty fics or think about hugging friends/family because I don't want any kind of contact. 

 

I realise a psychiatrist could be useful but I really aren't comfortable enough to talk about these issues in person. I also don't have anyone to "practise and experiment" with because the only girls that seem even remotely interested in me are always located across the world. 

 

List of possible causes for how I feel: 

* Performance anxiety

* Social anxiety

* Asperger's

* Asexuality

* ??? 

 

If you made it to here I'm impressed and you have my respect. Thank you for reading and if you have anything to say about any of those paragraphs above, please please do! 

 

Sincerely, Ƒawn

[nanogretchen4]

If you think you are more gay than straight and your only two relationships so far have been with men, that could be a big part of the problem right there. Also if you have vaginismus you have good reason not to want penetrative sex, because most people don't like pain. I think you should make contact with the local LGBT community and see what happens. Eventually you will probably meet a lesbian who doesn't mind taking things slowly.

[Ƒawn]

20 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you think you are more gay than straight and your only two relationships so far have been with men, that could be a big part of the problem right there. Also if you have vaginismus you have good reason not to want penetrative sex, because most people don't like pain. I think you should make contact with the local LGBT community and see what happens. Eventually you will probably meet a lesbian who doesn't mind taking things slowly.

Thanks for your reply! I do think this has played a small role in it all but I feel this way toward my queer female friends and crushes too. Most of my friends are actually queer, both in real life and online, but people don't seem to get those kind of feelings for me. Which makes me sad ofc but there's also the relief that there's no expectations, no reason to battle my demons. I feel very conflicted about that because I do feel lonely and really want someone in my life but the intimacy aspect of it scares me. I don't know if I will ever be ready for sex/kissing or if I will like it and that stresses me out. To be so unsure. I want to figure it out! It's been so many years now and I'm tired

[Puck]

It's perfectly fine to want to take things at your own pace. There is no real rule about when things have to happen. Whatever you feel is right is right.

 

Intimate moments don't feel right for most people unless they trust the person they are with and trust themselves. Just remind yourself that you don't have to do ANYTHING intimate unless you want to, so you can say no when you want, and when you choose not to, you can relax because it's totally your choice

 

And finding someone you click with is HARD! It is! Unfortunately, they aren't all over the place, it takes a special someone to really form a bond with. Sure, some people are more open and find others who are open easier. Other's aren't and it takes a special person to cross their path and then they just work and it's SO worth waiting for.

 

Keep putting yourself out there, meeting people, and exploring yourself. It sounds like you are doing the right things, it just takes time. I know it's hard, but you're doing it.

[Guest]

I think your problems can be related to Aspie . You can be Aspie lesbian and would be cool to find other Aspie girlfriend. There're special Aspie dating sites.

[swirl_of_blue]

I'm an aspie as well, and it was found out relatively late (at around the same age as you were when you were diagnosed). I had never had any relationships, no kisses, no touching, nothing. I identified as asexual because sex didn't interest me and I never touched myself either. I am pretty much disgusted by genitals, and have always been, but around age 20 my libido...appeared. It fluctuates A LOT with my hormonal cycle, going from almost nonexistent to stupidly high. I still don't like genitals and this was a problem in both of the sexual relationships I have had. Both were with male aspies, and I'm starting to believe that I am utterly incapable of getting along with other aspies. I'm 26 now and have been single for almost five years.

 

I used to be terrified of just the thought of kissing. Then I tried it out and noticed I like it. Very much, actually. I just can't think of kissing anyone I'm not romantically attracted to, and I can't be attracted to someone I haven't known for several years. This means no fantasizing of fictional characters, celebrities or just daydreaming of characters I make up myself (except on "platonic cuddling" -level). I don't know if my aspie-ness is somehow connected to this (which I think fills the criteria of demiromantic). I don't identify as strictly asexual anymore, but still somewhere within gray-a. Perhaps demisexual, as I am not outright terrified/disgusted of the thought of having sex occasionally with someone I'm in a romantic relationship with (if that ever happens, since being demiromantic makes dating people who I'm not already very familiar with just impossible).

 

I had two years of therapy (because of depression), but I was never able to really open up to my therapist about how I feel about romance and sex. If you can't talk honestly to your therapist, it might not be worth it even going to one.

[Ƒawn]

18 hours ago, Puck said:

It's perfectly fine to want to take things at your own pace. There is no real rule about when things have to happen. Whatever you feel is right is right.

 

Intimate moments don't feel right for most people unless they trust the person they are with and trust themselves. Just remind yourself that you don't have to do ANYTHING intimate unless you want to, so you can say no when you want, and when you choose not to, you can relax because it's totally your choice

 

And finding someone you click with is HARD! It is! Unfortunately, they aren't all over the place, it takes a special someone to really form a bond with. Sure, some people are more open and find others who are open easier. Other's aren't and it takes a special person to cross their path and then they just work and it's SO worth waiting for.

 

Keep putting yourself out there, meeting people, and exploring yourself. It sounds like you are doing the right things, it just takes time. I know it's hard, but you're doing it.

Thank you so much, I feel a little more patient and hopeful after reading this. It IS hard and it DOES take time, I guess it's hard not to compare with others and it seems so easy for them, one of my high school friends has a kid and another just got engaged ._. I also want to move forward but I guess my life picked a longer and slower road... Perhaps i'll see some interesting things on the way? Who knows.  

[Ƒawn]

16 hours ago, Hayley_me said:

I think your problems can be related to Aspie . You can be Aspie lesbian and would be cool to find other Aspie girlfriend. There're special Aspie dating sites.

They may be... I've met a few other aspies but I don't really connect with them, except my ex who was actually an aspie too. But I think he was like me, a "barely asp" that was just barely qualifying to get the diagnosis. perhaps there are more of us out there

[Ƒawn]

14 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I'm an aspie as well, and it was found out relatively late (at around the same age as you were when you were diagnosed). I had never had any relationships, no kisses, no touching, nothing. I identified as asexual because sex didn't interest me and I never touched myself either. I am pretty much disgusted by genitals, and have always been, but around age 20 my libido...appeared. It fluctuates A LOT with my hormonal cycle, going from almost nonexistent to stupidly high. I still don't like genitals and this was a problem in both of the sexual relationships I have had. Both were with male aspies, and I'm starting to believe that I am utterly incapable of getting along with other aspies. I'm 26 now and have been single for almost five years.

 

I used to be terrified of just the thought of kissing. Then I tried it out and noticed I like it. Very much, actually. I just can't think of kissing anyone I'm not romantically attracted to, and I can't be attracted to someone I haven't known for several years. This means no fantasizing of fictional characters, celebrities or just daydreaming of characters I make up myself (except on "platonic cuddling" -level). I don't know if my aspie-ness is somehow connected to this (which I think fills the criteria of demiromantic). I don't identify as strictly asexual anymore, but still somewhere within gray-a. Perhaps demisexual, as I am not outright terrified/disgusted of the thought of having sex occasionally with someone I'm in a romantic relationship with (if that ever happens, since being demiromantic makes dating people who I'm not already very familiar with just impossible).

 

I had two years of therapy (because of depression), but I was never able to really open up to my therapist about how I feel about romance and sex. If you can't talk honestly to your therapist, it might not be worth it even going to one.

This has given me a lot to think about, thank you! The experience I have with other aspies is mostly leaning towards bad, so I can definitely understand why it would be hard to get along with aspie dudes. My mum divorced her (undiagnosed but clear) aspie husband last year and I must say my relationship with him is better now that we aren't forced to live in the same house. He's not very responsive or chatty and that makes me uncertain and to feel like I'm invisible or unimportant or that he's disapproving. It's hard to know what someone is thinking when their face is neutral and they say nothing :s Anyway, that was slight OT.

 

I'm very quick to get crushes and make initial bonds with people but what you write in your second paragraph gives me hope that perhaps it will feel different once I finally meet a person that's right for me. I do hope so! And I hope you will meet that person too  

 

And yeah, I've had a lot of counselling throughout my school years but I've kinda given up on that, I mean I've gotten some theoretical stuff from it but obviously I have to actually do stuff myself to get results and I already do that without anyone to tell me. So right now I don't see anyone for my (social) anxiety. I suffered from depression for a couple of years too and refused medication, managed to get myself up on my feet again when my future started to look a little brighter. I'm so glad I did, it's been a journey. I hope you're feeling better now, you did write in past tense so here's to hoping  

[Puck]

23 minutes ago, Ƒawn said:

Thank you so much, I feel a little more patient and hopeful after reading this. It IS hard and it DOES take time, I guess it's hard not to compare with others and it seems so easy for them, one of my high school friends has a kid and another just got engaged ._. I also want to move forward but I guess my life picked a longer and slower road... Perhaps i'll see some interesting things on the way? Who knows.  

I'm banking on seeing interesting things on the way too  I have made some great friends and had some good times, though, I hope the same happens for you. AVEN is a good resource for this stuff because people here GET IT, so lots of support can go around

 

I'm glad I was able to help, keep on keeping on

[Ƒawn]

Just now, Puck said:

I'm banking on seeing interesting things on the way too  I have made some great friends and had some good times, though, I hope the same happens for you. AVEN is a good resource for this stuff because people here GET IT, so lots of support can go around

 

I'm glad I was able to help, keep on keeping on

Sounds awesome! ^^ Thanks for the cake  Virtual cake is the only cake I can eat xD

[Puck]

2 minutes ago, Ƒawn said:

Sounds awesome! ^^ Thanks for the cake  Virtual cake is the only cake I can eat xD

Ha ha ha, well it's the best kind I know!  

[RainbowKisses]

Sent you a message dear hope it's of some help and my inbox is always open if you want to chat further o/

[Lucee]

I have such relief that I've found this community <3 I related to this post a lot! 

I've been questioning recently that there's something wrong with me but I guess not now. 

I've recently turned 23, I have never been in a relationship or had sexual experiences with guys or girls. I've kissed people but even that stresses me out and I tense up. I'd like to have a relationship but I always start thinking ahead to the point in which we will have to become intimate...  Then the thought almost induces fear and anxiety. So I don't go on dates as I feel there's no point because I wouldn't be able to satisfy them!

So yeah... I live a very single life. I don't have friends in the LGBTQIA or any community of the like so I've not talked about this before. 

Im happy, but questioning my life a lot haha, not sure what it means for me.

[Ƒawn]

2 hours ago, Lucee said:

I have such relief that I've found this community <3 I related to this post a lot! 

I've been questioning recently that there's something wrong with me but I guess not now. 

I've recently turned 23, I have never been in a relationship or had sexual experiences with guys or girls. I've kissed people but even that stresses me out and I tense up. I'd like to have a relationship but I always start thinking ahead to the point in which we will have to become intimate...  Then the thought almost induces fear and anxiety. So I don't go on dates as I feel there's no point because I wouldn't be able to satisfy them!

So yeah... I live a very single life. I don't have friends in the LGBTQIA or any community of the like so I've not talked about this before. 

Im happy, but questioning my life a lot haha, not sure what it means for me.

I'm glad you've found AVEN too! Welcome I like it here.

 

I'm sure that if you would like to not be single there are people (like me) out there who don't view sexual intimacy as the ultimate goal of a relationship. The hard part is probably to find them 😅 Good that you're happy though, that is the most important