WinterWanderer Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 The other day, my coworker and I were talking about weddings and he asked me what kind of wedding I'd want. I said, "Oh, I don't think I'd ever get married. I don't really feel like I need anyone." He gave me a pitying look and started to talk about how he feels that his girlfriend completes him. That she evens out his faults and he loves having someone to come home to. That's a pretty typical reaction that I get when I tell people I'm not really interested in dating. They act like i am going to be miserable if I stay single. I understand where they're coming from. I mean, sometimes I do wish I had someone to come home to. (That's why I have a cat. ) But I don't see myself enjoying a relationship with someone. I enjoy my personal space and independence too much for that. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else gets the same reactions from people. Link to post Share on other sites
TRexPhilbo Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 1 minute ago, Fioryn said: Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else gets the same reactions from people. Oh always. Mum's always saying that 'we need to get you a girlfriend'. It sucks Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Yep, people if they know it about you, seem to feel this way. They cannot fathom you want to be alone. I think its something any asexual will get alot of in life. Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 2 minutes ago, Philbo Penten said: Oh always. Mum's always saying that 'we need to get you a girlfriend'. It sucks That never seems to stop in life Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 15 minutes ago, Philbo Penten said: Oh always. Mum's always saying that 'we need to get you a girlfriend'. Notice how the emphasis is on "finding a girlfriend"? Just someone? As in "anyone"? Just a random person to fill a spot that doesn't need to be filled as long as you're happy. It's not going to work if you just find "someone". People pity people for all kind of shit. Why pity someone for not wanting something? That's nonsensical. If you want something but can't get it for whatever reason, that's something to pity someone for. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyFeather Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 At a job I worked at when I was 17, I told my coworkers how I wasn't interested in sex (and this was WAY before I knew asexuality was a thing). They all started to laugh saying something along the lines of "Yeah, you say that now. But you'll fall in love with someone and realize how hard it is to keep your pants on.' I felt really insulted, like they assumed I was a naive child who didn't know what they were talking about it. 10 years later I laugh cause I'm still a virgin, definitely not interested to have sex, and now know why I'm the way I am Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I get this too, though the older I get the less people seem to pity me and the more they look at me like I'm maybe on to something. Its a matter of not standing in another person's shoes...they know THEY would be sad if they were alone, so they assume YOU are sad that you're alone. They don't hear 'I don't want a partner', they hear 'I can't GET a partner and am trying to delude myself into being ok with that'. Which is harmless, but it does get annoying when everyone is doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 What is your country's birth rate? In many western countries, the birth rate was close to replacement level and declining for a long time. This posed the long-term risk of depopulating the country as citizens died of old age and not enough babies were born to replace them. It also posed shorter-term problems with the size of the labour pool. One solution was immigration, but another solution was to promote child-bearing among young people, so that more young people would bear children. Such promotion is done at a mass level and directed at everybody without consideration for individual differences. It was disseminated through the usual propaganda channels that social engineers use until it was internalized by the general population. So what you're dealing with is this internalized propaganda that everyone should have kids, but you're not told that it's internalized propaganda, or that its purpose was to deal with a declining birth rate, because the people throwing such shit at you now are not aware of what's really going on with them when they do it. It was always understood that some people were not the reproducing kind and would never have children, simply because there have always been such people and society has always had a place for us. Yet the very goal of maximizing the increase in birth rate required that everyone who was any kind of candidate to reproduce, be pushed past their barriers and even their better judgment and reproduce anyway. That's just the nature of such efforts. So you're dealing with inculcated pressure intended to push some other person past their barriers and override their personal judgment so that they end up having kids. It's not directed specifically at you, because these kinds of mass-efforts are never directed specifically at anybody; although I think the anonymity of the whole thing is part of what sucks about it. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Visenya Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Oh yes, I've dealt with pity looks beforr. I used to be friends with someone who, unlike me, is very unhappy about being a virgin, not having a boyfriend, not being engaged/married, not having children, etc. She couldn't understand why I've never cared or complained much about not having any of these things. It has never crossed her mind that it's possible that people like me (or, to be more specific, that people different from her) can be happy. So, she projected all of her insecurities on me, to the point that she even suggested that I should hire a male prostitute to fuck me, just so I can lose my virginity before I'm 30. (as someone who's probably demisexual, I felt extremely disgusted, tbh). That's part of the many reasons why I'm not friends with this person anymore. The problem with being a single woman is that people think that you're only single because there's something so wrong with you that it makes you undesirable to men. People talk as if women are desperate to be picked by a guy, and there's no way that they could actually choose being single, which explains the pity looks. Link to post Share on other sites
snapesonalane Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I'm definitely used to the whole pitying looks and it frustrates me to no end. One of the things that bothers me most is when people who don't know me at all say condescending things like, "Oh you'll change your mind when you meet the right person," as if I'm too immature to understand love and relationships. But I'm used to that from people who don't know me well. What really stings is when friends (to whom I've mentioned that I'm not interested in sex or a relationship) say things like, "Don't worry, you'll meet your perfect person eventually." Like, did I ask you if I would? No! I just said I don't want a relationship and you counter me with a comment that completely invalidates my feelings on the subject? Not cool. But like people above me have said, I feel like a lot of asexual people go through similar experiences which probably stem from people's inability to imagine the experiences of someone with an identity other than their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 It's the other way round for me. I'm ugly af, so there's no way that I chose what I chose. I just won't get any anyway. Not that I cared either way. As long as people spend their time making assumptions, they're kept from doing worse 😆 Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 People who don't know me have done, anyone who knows me knows they'll get an earful if they dare. Link to post Share on other sites
kaseythefairy Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 The most frustrating thing to me happened a lot more in high school, but still happens in college to. I had "relationships" in high school, but it was before I identified as aromantic. In every case, I would break off the relationship because I was uncomfortable with romantic gestures, and being touched. I was never torn up about breaking up with a significant other, because I never felt attachment to them anyway. This earned me names such as "cold-hearted," or "heart-breaker." This, of course, was meant to be a warning to others not to become close to me. So, I decided at one point that I didn't want to go on dates or see anyone in that way anymore. And as soon as I started refusing to go on dates, suddenly everyone was questioning why I didn't want a significant other, and even tried to set me up on dates. Its amazing how nosy and hypocritical people can be. It gets very annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Yeah, this all sounds very familiar. I think it is a problem with people being locked into their own perspective. Something that is so important in their own life must be so important to everybody else too right? In this case, it's worse because most people are looking for romantic relationships, as opposed to something like being interested in soccer. I do think this is all very different for men than it is for women, in general. I think women are much more caught up in matrimania. They are more likely to talk about their future husband and wedding. All that romantic crap comes up more in women's conversations. Men really don't talk about this stuff all that often, except for the occasional prying. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" is an occasional question, but one I have a good answer to now. Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade F&F Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 If I find the one, I find the one. If I don't find the one, I don't find the one. But I ain't gonna bother looking. Link to post Share on other sites
Elftober Country Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 I had a random experience last year. My Aunty, who I'd had practically no contact with for around 25 years asked (at a family gathering) if I had a boyfriend. I mumbled something like "not right now" and then she said, "it's the best way really". I'm not sure my Uncle was too impressed, but it made me chuckle I do get the whole 'pitying' look when I say I'm single, as most people around my age are already paired off. It's like people want to fix me, and I can only imagine it getting worse as I get older Link to post Share on other sites
Blackthorn Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 Some people just can't get their head around the fact that we are all different and different things make us happy. They can't believe it is possible to be single and happy if they couldn't be. I don't care what other people do in their private lives so it always amazes me when other people are so interested in mine! I used to be interrogated a lot more than I am now - I think most people I know now think I'm a lost cause (thank goodness ). Link to post Share on other sites
Kittyxiii Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 All the time. Most of my close friends/family are at least aware that I'm not interested in dating and relationships, but if I mention to anyone else that (for example) I went out for the evening last Saturday, here's roughly how the conversation goes - Other person: Out on the pull, eh? Meet anyone hot? Me: No, I just popped out for a few hours with my friends/sisters/whoever. Other person: Oh, I didn't know you had a partner. Who are they/When did you meet them? Me: I'm still single... Other person: So... have you not long broken up with someone? You should get back out there, you know. Me: I don't want a relationship, I'm happy being single. Other person: *looks confused* If you're shy about meeting someone, I can give you some advice maybe? Me: *annoyed silence* Other person: Seriously, you've got a lot going for you... (proceeds to compliment me in some way) Me: Listen, I appreciate this, but I'm really fine. I like being single. A relationship with some random person would just take up time and effort that I'd rather spend doing other things. Like completing that new game I bought last week, or playing with my cats. Other person: *gives me a weird look and walks off* I guess you get used to it, but it's still irritating that people make the assumption that those without partners are miserable and lonely :sigh: The only thing making me sad about not being with someone is the amount of people who think I need someone else to make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
TRexPhilbo Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 5 hours ago, Kittyxiii said: All the time. Most of my close friends/family are at least aware that I'm not interested in dating and relationships, but if I mention to anyone else that (for example) I went out for the evening last Saturday, here's roughly how the conversation goes - Other person: Out on the pull, eh? Meet anyone hot? Me: No, I just popped out for a few hours with my friends/sisters/whoever. Other person: Oh, I didn't know you had a partner. Who are they/When did you meet them? Me: I'm still single... Other person: So... have you not long broken up with someone? You should get back out there, you know. Me: I don't want a relationship, I'm happy being single. Other person: *looks confused* If you're shy about meeting someone, I can give you some advice maybe? Me: *annoyed silence* Other person: Seriously, you've got a lot going for you... (proceeds to compliment me in some way) Me: Listen, I appreciate this, but I'm really fine. I like being single. A relationship with some random person would just take up time and effort that I'd rather spend doing other things. Like completing that new game I bought last week, or playing with my cats. Other person: *gives me a weird look and walks off* I guess you get used to it, but it's still irritating that people make the assumption that those without partners are miserable and lonely :sigh: The only thing making me sad about not being with someone is the amount of people who think I need someone else to make me happy. Ugh I hate this. I've never had a partner and I couldn't care less. But I reconnected with my friend Grace last night and I couldn't be happier! Link to post Share on other sites
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