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Mid-Life Revelation? Coming to Terms with Status w/ Wife & Kids


mrjenkins

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I am looking for experiences from people of a hetero background (namely married) with children involved.  how did you come out to your partner?  what did it do to your relationship(s)?  I am just now starting down this path in my mid thirties and really nervous about the future.  I guess in my current state of vulnerability/uncertainty I'm looking for some words from people who've already walked the path.

 

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straightouttamordor

I have been finacially devasted, the divorce. The stress, had an estrangement from my daughter at one time because my second wife and her hated one another. I wish I would've known years ago about Asexuality. I may not be in this situation now. "Coming out" was met with disbelief, denial and humiliation. My step son is grown, and my daughter thank goodness. They both are not angry at me or their mother now that they are married themselves and understand the complexities of relationships. 

I hope things go well for you !  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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51 minutes ago, prib23 said:

I have been finacially devasted, the divorce. The stress, had an estrangement from my daughter at one time because my second wife and her hated one another. I wish I would've known years ago about Asexuality. I may not be in this situation now. "Coming out" was met with disbelief, denial and humiliation. My step son is grown, and my daughter thank goodness. They both are not angry at me or their mother now that they are married themselves and understand the complexities of relationships. 

I hope things go well for you !  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

thanks.  this is about what I expected.  I have been seeing a therapist for a while which brought me to the level of introspection to make this realization about myself.  I have no doubt that my spouse is going to try to blame this on the therapy/therapist and insist that it's just not real.

 

my child is young so I'm hoping that by being honest and open I can still be a good role model in that regard.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

There's no reason it couldn't end up well, you could co parent and try to maintain a friendship, but it might take a lot of talking through. I didn't even know I was Ace, I just went through the motions of my marriage being dutiful, but it was t=years after I was divorced that I realised what I was. It must feel quite isolating to you, so I hope you get support from your child as they grow, Children are open minded about these things.

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My husband found out about the ace community/ orientation before I did and introduced me. We have been on a roller coaster ever since very up in down (I am demisexual) and we are hanging in there but it's hard. He is instiant divorce isn't an option because of the kids and he doesn't them to have a broken home. I would be happy if he was but he keeps bringing up things like polyamory that I can not agree with. And we don't even have a bad sexual relationship as far as I can tell. (But what do I know lol) I wish you luck. 

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Rhodes grief do I hate the ad! I don't know if this helps or not, but I was married to a male, had 2 kids- who turned out fine- divorced when they were 3 and 7, single parent for 11 years, married my one and only person (female) and divorced 16 years later. I don't think a relationship with a normal is possible, but I wish you luck.

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On 27/5/2017 at 2:49 AM, Mocha Jo said:

Rhodes grief do I hate the ad! I don't know if this helps or not, but I was married to a male, had 2 kids- who turned out fine- divorced when they were 3 and 7, single parent for 11 years, married my one and only person (female) and divorced 16 years later. I don't think a relationship with a normal is possible, but I wish you luck.

 

Do you keep in touch with your first ex and kids?

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I've known I was demisexual for awhile, a couple years at this point. I've been married since 2009, and our first of three kids was born 2012. It wasn't a huge crisis because I'm sex-positive.

 

What crippled me emotionally about 7 months ago was the honest discussion with my husband about what sexual attraction was from his experience, which was sparked by the coming-out of a very close friend as bisexual. My husband has never been an ogler, but the idea that he was "shopping around", even if subconsciously, absolutely crushed me. Don't ask me why it took so long to differentiate. I guess because we had never had that brutally honest of a conversation about it. Hearing him say the words himself was shocking. 

 

The result at this point is that he's made more of a point to not *look* at other women and, according to him, the previously infrequent sexual attraction he had been experiencing has not come up again since. I trust him, if only because I need to believe that to be happy, but also he has always been trustworthy and honest with me in the past about anything and everything.

 

If I could do things over, I wish I had known this about me when we had started dating because being with a sexual would have been a dealbreaker. As it is now, I have built too much of a life with him to blow it all up, he wants to work on it, and I love him more than life itself. We both have ended up not feeling good enough for each other, and we've been working on that together. We have been using nonviolent communication to great success. I feel very lucky to have such a supportive partner, and I hope that you can make a new peace with yours.

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ChickenPadSeeEew
On 2017-5-24 at 10:28 AM, mrjenkins said:

I am looking for experiences from people of a hetero background (namely married) with children involved.  how did you come out to your partner?  what did it do to your relationship(s)?  I am just now starting down this path in my mid thirties and really nervous about the future.  I guess in my current state of vulnerability/uncertainty I'm looking for some words from people who've already walked the path.

 

Well, I think of myself as panromantic. But I am married and have kids.

 

How did it go, coming out? I was petrified. But I did it, explained it,  and he leapt up and hugged me! But to be fair, he knows a fair bit about ace, demisexual, and similar experiences. Even still. I got to a point where my desire to be me outweighed my fear and wish to continue to hide and feel terrible and not myself. But I'd come out as bigender 6mths earlier. I was actually more scared to come out as demi. I think because I was afraid of a 'oh no, what is it this time?' response. It was actually a breeze in the end. He was also very chuffed to hear he was the only one I'd ever experienced desire for physical intimacy with. So that was an unexpected nice part of it. We're closer than ever. He's a real homebody. I think it's given him even more sense if security in the relationship. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Fernanda de Oliveira

Hello Jenkins. I am a 55 assexual woman. I am married for 35 years. As you are a much younger man I don't know if there is something in my experience that can possibly help you. Anyway, there it goes.

For all these years it has been very difficult for me, but as I am a woman certain things are not the same and we can have sex. So the marriage stands. My husband is the one who wants to stay married. I would prefer to divorce but I choose not to because he is a good man and I care for him, for our children and grandchildren. What I can say from my husband is that he just doesn't believe it is possible not to love sex. His mind can't understand such a thing. He denies assexuality. Probably your wife is the same, she doesn't understand who you are. And maybe she will not make it easier for you. The divorce and all this can affect your relation with your children. Never mind, it will last for just a moment. Be pacient. Just be present and give our children quality time every single minute you can have them. Make them happy with fantastic memories of simple learnins and activities you can easily share. Just be what you certainly are: a great and loving father. In that case, believe me, children will feel all the love and care, and will pay you back. If not now, later. Wish you the best, my friend!

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Thanks all for the comments.  I've been travelling for work basically non-stop for the past 6 weeks and just now had a chance to stop back in here.  My coming out has basically gone as horribly as I could have expected.  My wife has become very distant though she insists that she wants to stay married.  We started couples therapy but that stopped after four sessions because she didn't like the therapist.  Essentially, things are in a very cold stalemate right now.

 

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On ‎6‎/‎26‎/‎2017 at 4:49 PM, Fernanda de Oliveira said:

Hello Jenkins. I am a 55 assexual woman. I am married for 35 years. As you are a much younger man I don't know if there is something in my experience that can possibly help you. Anyway, there it goes.

For all these years it has been very difficult for me, but as I am a woman certain things are not the same and we can have sex. So the marriage stands. My husband is the one who wants to stay married. I would prefer to divorce but I choose not to because he is a good man and I care for him, for our children and grandchildren. What I can say from my husband is that he just doesn't believe it is possible not to love sex. His mind can't understand such a thing. He denies assexuality. Probably your wife is the same, she doesn't understand who you are. And maybe she will not make it easier for you. The divorce and all this can affect your relation with your children. Never mind, it will last for just a moment. Be pacient. Just be present and give our children quality time every single minute you can have them. Make them happy with fantastic memories of simple learnins and activities you can easily share. Just be what you certainly are: a great and loving father. In that case, believe me, children will feel all the love and care, and will pay you back. If not now, later. Wish you the best, my friend!

I bolded the line in your quote that really resonated with me.  This is exactly where my wife is with things and it's really causing a large part of the chasm between us right now.  Thanks for sharing this because it really hits home for me.

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  • 1 month later...

it's been a while so I wanted to follow-up for the people who have PM'ed me on this thread.  my wife and I start round 2 of couples therapy this week.  Since she didn't like the last one I asked her to pick this one.  Lo and behold when I looked at the therapists' credentials it's a "sex therapist."  here I have interpersonal things on my agenda like "open communication" and "mutual respect"; she has "let's the lack of sex" as her primary relationship issue.

 

I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for the beginning of the end.

 

It just boggles my mind that sex can be so important to someone as to throw away not only a long-term marriage but a longer-term relationship (with children!) 

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On 10/8/2017 at 5:58 AM, mrjenkins said:

 

 

It just boggles my mind that sex can be so important to someone as to throw away not only a long-term marriage but a longer-term relationship (with children!) 

 

Well, but if you think about it, sex is as important for you as for her, maybe even more important. For you what is important is NOT to have sex, or to have as little as possible, your wife could say, "It bogles my mind that my husband can throw away a marriage because of celibacy".

At the end of the day nobody is right or wrong, in a relationship both people have to be happy and people have to compromise, if compromising is not possible, (and for some people it is not) the relationship makes no sense.

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Fair enough -- but my greater point was that there is an equation being made where "sex == love" which is not the case at all.  My wife has been making the argument that if we don't have sex then I don't love her.

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46 minutes ago, mrjenkins said:

Fair enough -- but my greater point was that there is an equation being made where "sex == love" which is not the case at all.  My wife has been making the argument that if we don't have sex then I don't love her.

I would wager most wives feel that way, which is why compromise is impossible.

 

A woman doesn't want to be loved. She wants to be desired. No woman had ever told me otherwise.

 

You can't fake desire.

 

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2 hours ago, mrjenkins said:

Fair enough -- but my greater point was that there is an equation being made where "sex == love" which is not the case at all.  My wife has been making the argument that if we don't have sex then I don't love her.

This sort of nonsense drives people to divorce when one has been severely crippled, paraplegic, or otherwise unable. A spouse is more than a sex partner.

My heart goes out to you.

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42 minutes ago, Elderflower said:

This sort of nonsense drives people to divorce when one has been severely crippled, paraplegic, or otherwise unable. A spouse is more than a sex partner.

My heart goes out to you.

Well-stated. Thanks.

 

My wife and I deal with it, although I'm still in the closet.

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I've been married for 27 years and I have two teenage sons. I realized I was asexual about 14 years and 2 kids into the relationship. I think it was the best and worst day of my life. It took 2 years to come out to my husband though. When I did, he really didn't say much except that it made sense. I was hoping for more discussion. I hoped he would read about asexuality on his own but it never happened. We have been together for 10 years since I told him and we definitely have our ups and downs. It isn't all bad but it is definitely not like it was. The lack of sex in our earlier days did not seem as much of an issue as it does now and to be honest I think my husband is waiting for our kids to be out on their own to leave but I could be wrong. He chooses not to talk about it. There is still a lot of love there and even though we may end up divorced I wouldn't change anything.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My wife has chosen to take the approach of note recognizing it as real.  We are currently seeing a couples therapist and the therapist has the same attitude/approach.  I was point-blank told at one point that "asexuality is not real and we just need to figure out why you're in a slump."

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On 15/8/2017 at 5:23 PM, mrjenkins said:

 

On 15/8/2017 at 5:23 PM, mrjenkins said:

Fair enough -- but my greater point was that there is an equation being made where "sex == love" which is not the case at all.  My wife has been making the argument that if we don't have sex then I don't love her.

 

Well, equations regarding feelings are something subjective by definition, if your wife thinks that love has to involve sex and you think that love is not necessary involving sex you both are right and have a massive discrepancy of perspective.

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On 8/27/2017 at 11:39 PM, mrjenkins said:

My wife has chosen to take the approach of note recognizing it as real.  We are currently seeing a couples therapist and the therapist has the same attitude/approach.  I was point-blank told at one point that "asexuality is not real and we just need to figure out why you're in a slump."

My husband was like that at first. I think he has now given up. It is sad. I do not blame him for our issues. I just wish we would talk about it so I knew where we stood.

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One of the reasons I was so hesitant to join this community a couple years ago was how little faith there seemed to be making any marriage work with one partner asexual and one who wants sex (basically everyday). I posted this as response to someone else's similar questions concerning their marriage. Im not saying it's possible for all relationships to work through this but it is possible at least for some. 

 

"It was several years into my marriage when I learned about the term asexual... and it was both a relief and crushing to know I wasn't alone, but also that it wasn't something that could be "fixed". I wanted to want sex and enjoy it. I also had a pain condition that made sex excruciating and since I was a virgin before marriage we had no idea the severity. The first few years were spent with me trying a bunch of therapies with most Dr's writing off my pain. My husband felt I just wasn't attracted to 'him' and had a lot of insecurities. We did have a child during that time and I finally got a Dr to listen to me and diagnose my pain issue. We thought maybe if the pain wasn't there I would enjoy it. We started using a numbing cream which made sex possible but I still didn't get any enjoyment. We tried no sex for a year and decided that wasn't helping our relationship. It took time for me to communicate about asexuality and I think it was a relief for my husband when he finally understood the issue had nothing to do with him. I also learned that a lot of him nudging and pushing for sex was actually done when he was half asleep or had had a couple drinks, and he didn't mean it how I was perceiving it, as him actively consciously trying to violate me, (although before he found out I was asexual he had been doing it on purpose thinking it would turn me on and encourage me to want sex.) We now have established that if he gets all handsy and pushy, even if half asleep, then I have every right to ask him to move to the couch. We've developed a rewards system for me so that although I don't enjoy the actual sex, I have something to look forward to: a shower together after sex where I usually get a shoulder massage or massage beforehand, sometimes I treat myself with pizza or chocolate, or something else I want like quality time or cuddling to a movie of my choosing. I still have needs of intimacy, they are just different from his and we've learned to communicate and adjust our expectations as well as compromise. Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's so much better. Although we try to have sex every week, he knows sometimes I just can't get my emotions in check. He doesn't masturbate so he's able to orgasm faster and in return I have to be honest if I'm having an emotional week and can't do sex so that he can masturbate. I've done a few photo shoots with friends so he has material of me to help out during those times although his ideal is sex or my help with masturbating. (Funny side asexual story: during those photo shoots my friends were like 'just be sexy, come on you can look sexy, think of sex... oh yeah, asexual, think of PIZZA. YES! There we go.') ...  I just wanted to share ways that we were able to make our marriage work with me being asexual."

 

 

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Perilous Poozer

I'm hesitant to wade in as I'm worried about appearing smug or unfeeling, but all relationships are as different as the people involved. My heart goes out to the posters above! It doesn't always have to be the end of things though. All relationships change and while I cannot presume to take my husband for granted, until this point in time we're all good. It is definitely possible, at least for some.

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  • 3 months later...

Hey :) .. so I want to send you some courage and positivity... that was (and somewhere it still is) one of my biggest fears...
It's been a while, how are things going now? I hope you are well. :cake:

I've recently come out to my husband as well ^_^ . It's going well here and he is so understanding, but I'm still scared that someday my husband will be wanting more from me than I can offer. 

Anyway. Hope that your wife will face the truth and become more empathic and understanding towards you. That way you can both work together to make it work ^_^.

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