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Fear of relationships


kwr

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It seems that all I hear about is sex. People seem to have a weird fascination with it,which I have never quite understood. This has made me kind of afraid of entering into a relationship. I am worried that my partner might have expectations from me, like having sex or doing intimate things, which I am not comfortable with. I'm worried that me not wanting to have sex will be almost a deal breaker and that I won't find a relationship with anyone that isn't asexual too. Anyone else? 

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5 minutes ago, kwr said:

It seems that all I hear about is sex. People seem to have a weird fascination with it,which I have never quite understood. This has made me kind of afraid of entering into a relationship. I am worried that my partner might have expectations from me, like having sex or doing intimate things, which I am not comfortable with. I'm worried that me not wanting to have sex will be almost a deal breaker and that I won't find a relationship with anyone that isn't asexual too. Anyone else? 

Hear, hear. I tend to runaway when I notice relationships start getting "exclusive".  But I'm massive jerk about it, and ghost people (mostly men) if they/he doesn't bother to ask me what went wrong. I seriously have to stop doing that...but I also stopped seeking relationships and have accepted possible lifetime solitude. I used to think that was terrible, until I see all my couple friends and my parent fighting. ha.

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NerotheReaper

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Sex seems to be the 'ultimate goal' or the point of relationships, but it doesn't really have to be. Long as you talk to your partner early on in the relationship, set up what you are comfortable with, and you aren't really interested in sex. Everyone should respect boundaries, and be accepting of the person still. There is more to relationships than just sex (this might be shocking to some people :P ), but if you guys can come to some kind of compromise that is also fine. Thing is relationships do involve a lot of compromise, not just in relation to sex but with a lot of other things. 

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Even though I'm likely aro as well as ace, this is still a concern cause I find it really hard to remain platonic friends with women. While I don't know for sure (I'm pretty clueless and I've never been in a relationship before), I've failed to keep any female friends cause I think I didn't reciprocate their feelings. They always approached me first, and I never thought anything of it. But looking back, I think they were romantically/sexually interested (constant compliments, spending time alone with me, asking for help, etc.) so they dipped when it became clear I was really blind. I'm afraid one day that I'll have a successful platonic friendship that'll be ruined when someone sticks with me long enough to ask for more than just a metaphorical helping hand. 😕 Eugh, I gave myself the heebie jeebies with that euphemism. 🤢

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Liesel Joy

I have this same worry. Like I'll get attached to someone and things will be going great until "Oh hey about that..." I was brave enough to share this fear in real life with someone recently. What she told me is (putting it in my own words) - there's a ton more to relationships than sex. And if people are ONLY in a relationship for sex, then it's not a relationship. There are a lot of paths out there. Her cousin has been married for a long time (they're still young) and yet they haven't had sex for like 2 years now. Basically, there's more to you than your body. There's more to everyone than their bodies. And who knows, maybe you'll start a relationship and find out the other person is ace too!

 

I've never gotten past a first date. Because the other person always wants a kiss goodnight. Or more. Sometimes I do that, sometimes not. It's been 2 years since I've last tried. But now, I think I'd honestly just say I want to move slower. Or something like that. Until I was ready to explain. The other thing we both might try is being friends with someone first. It might take the pressure off. And - like others have said - it's not like I can read the flirting signals anyway, so it's quite possible I've been friendzoning people for years anyway haha. Do what's comfortable for you whenever you're ready.

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I am the QUEEN of friendzoning, lol.  For me, though, if it were even possible for me, I'd like for someone to be in the friend zone first before going further.  That's a safe way of going about it.  But then again, I'll just keep them in the friend zone :P

 

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On 5/22/2017 at 5:06 PM, kwr said:

It seems that all I hear about is sex. People seem to have a weird fascination with it,which I have never quite understood. This has made me kind of afraid of entering into a relationship. I am worried that my partner might have expectations from me, like having sex or doing intimate things, which I am not comfortable with. I'm worried that me not wanting to have sex will be almost a deal breaker and that I won't find a relationship with anyone that isn't asexual too. Anyone else? 

If they can't live with that maybe it's not meant to be?

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OP you talk about "partner's expectations" like it's the be all end all. Your feelings and expectations are important as well and shouldn't take a backseat because of your partner.

 

It honestly comes down to you and what you want to do. If you're ok with compromising or if you don't want to. The best thing is to talk to your partner early on so you'll have an idea of whether you think you can handle it.

 

Life works in weird ways and people enter and leave our lives for a reason. If the person you meet someone and you're not compatible usually it's for a good reason.

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On 23/5/2017 at 2:06 AM, kwr said:

It seems that all I hear about is sex. People seem to have a weird fascination with it,which I have never quite understood. This has made me kind of afraid of entering into a relationship. I am worried that my partner might have expectations from me, like having sex or doing intimate things, which I am not comfortable with. I'm worried that me not wanting to have sex will be almost a deal breaker and that I won't find a relationship with anyone that isn't asexual too. Anyone else? 

@kwr yeah, to most of us sexuals, sex is the icing of the cake and the ultimate out-of-this-world love experience. If you tick the box with 'no sex ever in any form or aspect, please!' Then you will limit your dating pool, but that is perhaps better than having to deal with many break-ups? Be true to yourself and dont promise to be someone, which you have no intention to be. 

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notfeelingit98
On 23. 5. 2017 at 2:06 AM, kwr said:

This has made me kind of afraid of entering into a relationship. I am worried that my partner might have expectations from me, like having sex or doing intimate things, which I am not comfortable with. I'm worried that me not wanting to have sex will be almost a deal breaker and that I won't find a relationship with anyone that isn't asexual too. Anyone else? 

Pal, that are literally my worries all the time. I've had most people I know tell me that they couldn't date an asexual, that it wouldn't be possible; I've had people suggest that I should just "put up with sex" if and when I do enter a romantic relationship.

But you know... The most important aspect here is YOU. There is no changing for anybody. If they'd be willing to turn you down or break up with you just because you wouldn't sleep with them, what was the point of the relationship anyway? People should either love us the way we truly are or move the hell along. I'm not saying I'm not scared sometimes or that I don't feel like I might end up utterly alone... but I'm proud of who I am. And that matters the most.

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Yeah, I have the same feelings and concerns.  That's one of the reasons I've basically stopped looking. 

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It's a serious fear for me. Being aro ace really limits your world unless you marry another aro ace, "compromise", or stay alone forever. And I have no idea what I want. I've been in love with the same guy for almost....9 years? We're just friends. But who really understands spiritual love in this day and age? Idk anymore, being a spinster really isn't that bad of a future...

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I'm exactly the same. I don't want anyone who isn't graysexual, ace, or at least celibate. It can be so damn depressing considering how rare it is to even FIND anyone like that let alone someone you might want to date

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