Social Dysphoria/Small Group nonsense

[Toothlesss]

Possible TW for things in spoilers..

 

Background info- So I signed up (and paid for) a 12 month course back in January. I had good, positive vibes coming from the people who run it (in general). The silly sign up thing asked gender, and I hesitated since it was solely male/female and NOT EVEN A PREFER NOT TO SAY. *sigh*... least of my worries. So I go on with the first few months before they throw on the small group stuff that I'm about to try to summarize in detail. 

First go around with the group stuff.. I'm assigned a small group, and one of us has to lead calls etc (i.e using Skype or a site like FreeConferenceCal .com ).. So I attempted to lead- but no one responded- Period. You could hear the crickets chirping, that's how little response I got when I tried to lead this group session nonsense. 

 

Second go around-.... *sigh* So, I end up in a group with 3-4 other female bodied people who are all some level much more feminine then I'll ever be. The calls themselves were only 30-45 mins long, nothing too hard (if you love phones).So, the weeks go by, as I slowly open up...or barely open up about anything. The way the calls are structured (going by the guidelines and literal script nonsense leaves little time to get to know anyone. In the 4 calls I was in, I'd mumble more than actually talk.

 

"Why should I bother, when I feel it in my guts that someone here is transphobic?" I thought to myself.

 

So, I pretty much stayed silent, while the emails would come once or twice every few weeks or so... "Hi Ladies,  blah blah blah... " "Ladies! do you have any suggestions that would make the group sessions better?"   Facepalm, eyeroll, long long long sigh.
 

I rolled my eyes soo often in response to these, that I've lost count.  I was feeling terrible ALWAYS being addressed this way, Online. The one place I feel I can have some control over how people address me in general. I didn't feel it was my place to correct them, because they were all stuck in their own little cis-centric world of LaLaLand _{(not the 2016 musical film which I haven't seen but, going by what I've heard about the film, it's FITTING for this )} 

 

So, eventually the 1st call for May came along- and what did I do that night? Watch Food Network with my Mom, not even bothering to give a thought to it.

 

The Emails...Yeehaw *YAWN* 

Someone else was leaving for other reasons too, so I finally decided to respond.

Spoiler

I feel the same way Elizabeth does. I feel like the calls make me far more anxious and I'm not very comfortable with talking on the phone in the first place. 

 

It's clear to me that this part of the program doesn't take into account people who are uncomfortable talking on phones. 

 

I feel like there's no real way of relating to each other even in an aquatintense way. It feels just as rehearsed as a stage show- but I'd argue that most stage shows have more emotion.  ☹️

 

(I also hate being addressed as "ladies". It drives me nuts in real life and I hate how much society wants to push femininity onto me simply because of what organs I was born with *sigh*. I feel like the terminology puts me into the same (stupid) box as some southern belle like Scarlet O'Hara. )

 

If any of you want to still connect with me on social media- I'd welcome it. 

 

- Heather 

Then comes everything I brought up in the Annoying things cis/trans people say thread. 

 

Spoiler

_{(took this one from my post in the cis thread but ended up going into the emails anyway-figures..  )}

"I don't have a problem with "ladies"." 

 

Well of course you don't, YOU'RE FREAKIN CIS- the default for society. 😖

Spoiler

Hi all, 

 

I don't have any problem with Ladies, just glad to have participation and hear the voices in our group, appreciate you all!!

 

Thanks & best wishes, 

Spoiler

" You don't understand. I hate being addressed that way because of all the connotations it has for me. I never liked being associated with femininity ever since I got old enough for the reaches of society to begin to matter."

 

(Everyone celebrate, coming up is the ONLY non-transphobic response...) _{(transphobic meaning outright or internalized transphobia)}

Spoiler

You've given me some food for thought. It might even explain why I sometimes hesitate, even if for a millisecond, when I start an email with the 'ladies' greeting

 

*Sigh* And now for the most transphobic of them all.. this once came from the supposed leader of the group.........

Spoiler

I am glad that you expressed yourself on this Heather, and touched into what i am guessing are some important values for you on gender neutrality.  At the same time, I imagine that Elizabeth had no idea what that word would bring up in you and would perhaps like to be seen for her innocence in the situation. 

 

The "Let's Blame the NB person" Card... Thanks a lot... Uhh, they wanted to leave LONG before this came up. 

 

Yeah, I'm leaving.. we're leaving, time to pack up bud, we're goin' for a little vacation...forever. 

 

Cept I don't have an Astrid Hofferson to stop me and I feel more like myself when I'm among the horses (and the humans caring for the horses)...then I'll ever be with these... "groups".. heck, I'll take a winter stay in the Barbaric Archipelago over this nonsense....Hey look, the northern lights!  

 

If you got this far, thanks for reading.. _{and how do you like my first person POV writing of the top part?}  

 

 I was originally going to post this more as advice- because the so called leader.. (I'd trust Stoick the Vast or Hiccup much better tbh) is asking me for feedback as to why I left and all I can think of is a not-very-polite response talking about transphobia. 

Spoiler

 

 

[AVEN #1 fan]

Actually, a lot far in my desconstruction of gender, sometimes when I get called a lady I feel inside: "wow... I  can still pass as that.... lol" and then.... "should I answer with high or low voice? Which has worst outcomes?" ... "*sigh* I can pretend whatever if they don't know my agab id or notice how much of a  tr#nny I am "

 

 

Either way.... people get confused when they find out exactly what I am.

 

[Ricki]

To briefly play devils advocate, I honestly don't think this is transphobia. More likely people who have never been presented with the concept of Trans* directly and don't fully know how to react to it.

3 hours ago, Toothlesss said:

"I don't have a problem with "ladies"."

Responses like ^that are normally a way of saying "I didn't think twice about it, because I'm happy with it" or "Ok Toothless doesn't like it, but feel free to call me ladies, still".

Either way though, I hope you get this sorted. I know it sucks to have to go through shit like this. And it can totally feel like it's knocked you back some of the steps you've taken to being accepted by society. *offers hugs* 

[Toothlesss]

6 hours ago, Ricchan said:

To briefly play devils advocate,

 Go for it , in this case I don't even mind at all. 

 

6 hours ago, Ricchan said:

I honestly don't think this is transphobia. More likely people who have never been presented with the concept of Trans* directly and don't fully know how to react to it.

True, but the "leaders" response by blaming me for someone else leaving...even if I was cis, that's just not right. I just feel like they did that because they have internalized transphobia that's never been addressed.   In this case, I'd be happy to be proven wrong, but I'm not going to hold my breath. 

6 hours ago, Ricchan said:

Either way though, I hope you get this sorted. I know it sucks to have to go through shit like this. And it can totally feel like it's knocked you back some of the steps you've taken to being accepted by society. *offers hugs* 

 

I just don't know how to respond (to them) at this point in time. As much as I want to give them feedback, I just feel like it's more likely to be ignored then responded to. :/