Are chrushes supposed to be this complicated?

[Jano]

Hi! So, I think I've experienced crushes, but I can't be sure. I've read other topics about crushes, and the responses seem to be that you feel like you want to be around them, your emotions go crazy, and you admire them as a person. But my "crushes" have been where I become *cough* obsessed with the person. I kind of need to figure them out, and I basically observe and research (for lack of a better word) until they're not interesting. What would this be? Bc it definitely does not sound like a crush now

[Euna]

Hm, I think that could be a type of crush.  It sounds more impersonal than what I would usually call a crush though.

You might look at some of the threads about "squish" which is kind of like a platonic crush.

[ShyFeather]

Kind of reminds me of freyromantic. I don't know if that's what is going on but it's worth looking into

[Star Bit]

5 hours ago, Not as easy as ABC said:

But my "crushes" have been where I become *cough* obsessed with the person. I kind of need to figure them out, and I basically observe and research (for lack of a better word) until they're not interesting.

 

What would this be? Bc it definitely does not sound like a crush now

Yes, some people experience intense romantic attraction.

 

But maybe you're just experiencing obsessive emotional attraction; which is platonic. That is to say, a fixation on someone due to their emotions, and by extent personality. I would compare it to being a fan girl/fan boy in a way, or a favorite character, or admirance. You know when you spot your new favorite character in a show and then keep wanting to see more of them? From what you've said your experience sounds like that, to me.

[Aurora Subira]

Doesn't exactly sound like a crush. I've had a few intense crushes on people had got to know and respect, got all giddy and thought about them all the time. The crushes died natural deaths when I was no longer seeing that person regularly at work or school. It almost sounds like you research the person to find something that turns you off, maybe? Or dispels the mystery, anyway.

[swirl_of_blue]

It could be a crush or a squish, or it could be something else. My crushes and squishes (rare as they are) almost always start out very intense and nearly obsessive. I just want to know everything about the person. However, most of them fade really quickly if I don't "feed" the interest some way myself! At least for me what differentiates a "real" crush from a "weird obsession" is how long it lasts: my longest-lasting crush lasted for something like five years, though I never did anything about telling the person I liked. If "learning" the person too well too quickly causes the crush to fade, I wouldn't have called that a crush in the first place.

[Laplace]

While crush "symptoms" vary from person to person, it does sound sorta like a crush, and your behavior isn't that unusual. As long as it doesn't get to the point to outright stalking/spying (like observing them in private areas or snooping around their residence), I think it's fairly common for people to try and find out their crush's interests, daily routine (to a reasonable extent), and etc. I've heard it's a common tactic for people to find out and frequent places that their crush go to often. Through the propinquity effect, that establishes rapport and so on. It's fine to observe someone to an extent. As long as you aren't creeping on them or something I feel like it's pretty normal.

[Jano]

Your replies have given me a lot to think about. Thank you for responding with your thoughts!

[Jano]

Btw, I don't get stalkerish, so that's good! 😋

[Velma]

On 5/22/2017 at 0:11 AM, Star Bit said:

Yes, some people experience intense romantic attraction.

 

But maybe you're just experiencing obsessive emotional attraction; which is platonic. That is to say, a fixation on someone due to their emotions, and by extent personality. I would compare it to being a fan girl/fan boy in a way, or a favorite character, or admirance. You know when you spot your new favorite character in a show and then keep wanting to see more of them? From what you've said your experience sounds like that, to me.

This is close to how I feel. It's so strong, that most of my life I assumed it was a crush. I wouldn't say that I get totally obsessed and eventually get tired of it, but it does fade and mellow out after a while.I don't like gazing into each other's eyes, holding hands, being seen as a couple(least favorite idea).. but the feels. They are strong.

 

when I thought the were crushes. I was horrified the other person would find out and find it creepy and inappropriate - or get "sappy" or "mushy" (now I think I meant romantic) feelings. 

 

Now that I know it's a platonic crush, and I'm probably gray aro, I've felt almost no shame about my squishes. I don't try to force myself not to get them. I just let myself go. Now I have them more often, and I have several at once. It's great when it's mutual and we can tease each other about it. I alternate between favorites, but I never tell. 

 

 

[Chihiro]

My crushes are in the form of obsession too. I like hanging out with them and do/say crazy stuff. However it is not romantic in nature, I don't feel the need to get their attention. I simply want them to give me their info but not ask much about myself or my personal life. 

[Perissodactyla]

On 5/21/2017 at 4:12 PM, Not as easy as ABC said:

Are crushes supposed to be this complicated?

 

I kind of need to figure them out, and I basically observe and research (for lack of a better word) until they're not interesting.

...

Bc it definitely does not sound like a crush now

When you find yourself really interested in someone, why do you have the goal of losing interest in them?

 

Is that really the way you feel and how you approach affection?

 

Do you have any friends? Do you also try to figure them out so you lose interest in being their friend?

 

In some ways, having a crush is based on wanting to have the experience of remaining in a crush, not getting out of it by analyzing the other person to death.

 

Doing that is a bit like trying to find faults in them to convince oneself that one can dislike or become bored with them enough to ignore them and forget about them... and move on to another person eventually.

 

It feels like a consumerist way of devouring people, like they are chewing gum that you eventually spit out when they lose their flavor.

 

Maybe you have issues with intimacy and vulnerability? Maybe you're afraid that the other person will discover that you're shallow, obsessive, boring and full of faults, so you play it safe in avoiding rejection by being the first one to bail?

 

Annie-Chewing Gum~With Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBXBuits6pE

 

[Jano]

On 5/26/2017 at 9:54 AM, oval said:

When you find yourself really interested in someone, why do you have the goal of losing interest in them?

 

Is that really the way you feel and how you approach affection?

 

Do you have any friends? Do you also try to figure them out so you lose interest in being their friend?

 

In some ways, having a crush is based on wanting to have the experience of remaining in a crush, not getting out of it by analyzing the other person to death.

 

Doing that is a bit like trying to find faults in them to convince oneself that one can dislike or become bored with them enough to ignore them and forget about them... and move on to another person eventually.

 

It feels like a consumerist way of devouring people, like they are chewing gum that you eventually spit out when they lose their flavor.

 

Maybe you have issues with intimacy and vulnerability? Maybe you're afraid that the other person will discover that you're shallow, obsessive, boring and full of faults, so you play it safe in avoiding rejection by being the first one to bail?

 

Annie-Chewing Gum~With Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBXBuits6pE

 

I don't know. I usually find it hard to get along with people, and I've had bad experiences with people who I was interested in before, but I'm starting to think that what I'm feeling isn't romanticly inclined. It's more like someone's actions and personality atract my attention and I try to understand them. I'm going to keep on seeing what happens, but thank you for such an honest response 

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[StormySky]

On Monday, May 22, 2017 at 9:27 AM, Laplace said:

While crush "symptoms" vary from person to person, it does sound sorta like a crush, and your behavior isn't that unusual. As long as it doesn't get to the point to outright stalking/spying (like observing them in private areas or snooping around their residence), I think it's fairly common for people to try and find out their crush's interests, daily routine (to a reasonable extent), and etc. I've heard it's a common tactic for people to find out and frequent places that their crush go to often. Through the propinquity effect, that establishes rapport and so on. It's fine to observe someone to an extent. As long as you aren't creeping on them or something I feel like it's pretty normal.

It seems that Routines make people all too predictable... 

[Star Bit]

On 6/8/2017 at 3:44 PM, Not as easy as ABC said:

but I'm starting to think that what I'm feeling isn't romanticly inclined. It's more like someone's actions and personality atract my attention and I try to understand them.

Understand them but not get to know them?

[Agria]

I'm just like you, I rapidly get obsessed with a particular person, and I keep talking to them a lot (if they know me lol), try to discover everything about them. But after a while they no longer become interesting.

Well, this is something that happens to me not only with people but with almost everything else in life. Like I start a project and am too excited about it in the beginning, after a while it loses its magic. This may be a trait of personality," a curious jumping one". So if this happens to you too, it may be because of your personality.