Am I Asexual or Psychologically Damaged?

[rowannah]

Okay, I have a dilemma that I probably won't be able to solve but I'd like to hear other's thoughts on the issue. This might take a minute so please bear with me.

 

When I was like 6 or 7 I was a bean pole of a child. I was very skinny and straight like a lot of kids I guess. I was also, according to my parents, very "bossy", and I remember pictures of me at that age surrounded by a lot of people, and I remember having a lot of friends. I even had a "boyfriend" when I was in Kindergarten. I also was best friends with my cousins and hung out with them all the time and it's worth noting that they too were bean pole children. Around age 8, however, my body changed rapidly from bean pole to not so bean pole. I basically got bigger everywhere. I guess you could consider them "curves" but like I was 8. My mom told me that I changed so quickly that she had to continuously buy me all new clothes because my old ones no longer fit me. She said I would get upset and cry because I wanted to wear the same type of clothes my cousins were wearing, the same type of clothes I used to wear. My mom doesn't remember a change in my eating habits at that time, and we have a history of women in on our family getting their periods and so forth quite early, like age 9, so we can only assume that it was some sort of early hormonal growth spurt I went through. This whole body change occurring so early majorly affected me. I know because my mom also told me that my personality changed significantly. I became much more quiet and reserved. I no longer bossed people around or anything and I became much more shy. My mom says that it was so drastic that she thought maybe I had been molested or abused by someone, which I have no recollection of, so I'm confident that that was not the case. After my body changed, I think I must have felt incredibly out of place because this happened to me so early and no one else was going through such a change like this. No one ever said anything to me or bullied me about it. I bullied myself, a trait that I think I have since I was born.

 

After this change, I definitely remember starting to eat more. I think that this may have been when my dysthymia began (which is basically a less severe depression but one that lasts continuously for at least 2 years. I am still struggling with mine). For me, dysthymia makes me not so much sad as it does just apathetic. I don't get excited about many things, but I am able to get sad real quick. I think of it as my emotions being on the sadder end of the spectrum most of the time, so I find it more difficult to get to the happier end of the spectrum. Anyway, this sort of depression triggered a compulsion to eat my feelings I guess. Chocolate ice cream was my go-to. I got fat very quickly and I remember crying about it frequently, despite exactly 0 people ever telling me that I was fat or making fun of my weight. I knew I was fat and that was all that mattered. 

 

My weight fluctuated a bit throughout high school, but in my senior year I finally worked to lose 30 pounds and have kept it off since (I am currently a Junior in college). I am 5'0 and weighed 150 lbs at my heaviest, so that 30 pounds made a tremendous difference. But of course it is still not enough for me. I still hate my body, but probably not as much as I did. I still have a huge lack of self confidence but I have convinced myself that if I lose 10-15 more pounds or even just tone up, I will like myself more.

 

I am 20 years old, have never been kissed, and have never been sexually attracted to anyone. I do remember writing semi-erotic stories when I was 12 or 13, I guess around the time I would have started developing sexual attraction, but I don't know that that's significant cause no one every actually had sex. I honestly probably didn't know what sex actually was then lol. I have been turned on once from a sex scene, but I do not seek it out. I like to avoid sex scenes whenever possible because although I think it does "arouse" me, I find the feeling unpleasant for whatever reason. It could be shame, but I did not grow up in a christian household, though I did grow up in general christian surroundings, so no one ever told me sex was shameful. I think I've just always thought that. I have never looked at someone and thought, yes, I would have sex with them. I really would like a close relationship with someone that I find attractive who also finds me attractive, but I don't know that I would develop a desire to have sex with that person because I've never experienced that. I think I did develop a very close relationship with a girl who was my friend. We were friends for about 6 years and it became toxic so I left, but it has been over a year and a half and there has not been a day where she did not cross my mind, so I think I may have loved her romantically, but I never felt sexually attracted to her.

 

All of this is to say that I am not sure if I was born asexual, or if I have shut myself off from it due to my body image issues. Since I developed them so young before I would have developed sexual attraction to others, there's really no way to tell if I just have low libido or whatever or if I am asexual. If you have read all of this, bless your soul and also I'm sorry. I would just really be interested to know if anyone has had a similar experience or any other insight into this issue. Also, god bless this platform for allowing me to spew all this shit, because I have no one in my life that understands this or is willing to talk about it aside from my therapist. Thanks AVEN!

[Amber79]

Hi,

• The only thing I can say really, is that a few years ago I new someone with body dysmorphia. She hated her body intensly and didn't want other to see her naked or to touch her sometimes. Even then, she still found other people sexually attractive. Sexual attraction is about finding someone else attractive not your self so I suspect you are asexual and your own body image issues are something separate that happens to coincide with your asexuality, if that makes sense.I do understand how the rapid change in your body can have have long term psychological effects as I developed quite a womanly figue young. I was the first girl I new to grow breasts and spent many years covering them up as a result, wishing I could be a skinny adrogynous type. Being asexual I think having a body that others automatically think of as sexual due to curves, has been extremely uncomfortable at times, and it's only now that I'm reaching 40 that I feel less like dressing like a nun. Your body image changed very rapidly long before any of your peers could understand those changes and this singled you out at a mental age when you weren't ready. However, I don't think you've just shut yourself off, I told myself that too for many years, I still think you would have experienced some kind of physical attraction if you were sexual. I hope this helps.

[Guest]

I mean.... from what I've gotten from this story of yours, you say that you've never experienced sexual attraction. So... this probably is asexuality. You don't sound broken to me.

[Guest]

I think your body and depression issues are separate from your asexuality. You can still be depressed yet be sexually attracted to others... the depression may get in the way of acting out on those attractions but it's still there. 

 

I do wonder about the same thing myself. Although less with developing early, I actually look like a deformed stick who hasn't aged past 15 (I'm 26). I'm starting to think I'm not asexual and the real reason I avoid/hate romantic/sexual relationships is my own self repulsion. 

[rowannah]

10 minutes ago, Lockylocks said:

I think your body and depression issues are separate from your asexuality. You can still be depressed yet be sexually attracted to others... the depression may get in the way of acting out on those attractions but it's still there. 

 

I do wonder about the same thing myself. Although less with developing early, I actually look like a deformed stick who hasn't aged past 15 (I'm 26). I'm starting to think I'm not asexual and the real reason I avoid/hate romantic/sexual relationships is my own self repulsion. 

Yeah, the main reason I'm still debating if I have shut myself off from it is because I have quite bad anxiety and something called vasovagal syncope which is actually fairly common. Basically if I get really stressed or anxious my body just nopes out and I faint. Because of that, I feel like I have this capability in me to stop things that make me feel anxious, like a built in defense. I don't know, I want to be asexual because sex freaks me tf out but I also don't want that because it makes my life so much more complicated. I would really like a romantic relationship but I would like it to happen naturally rather than online. And I feel like online is the only way to go when you're asexual.

[Amber79]

Sounds like your sex repulsed aswell. 

[Gnatty]

It sounds to me like you have bigger problems than just trying to figure out your sexuality.

My sympathies go out to you as you try to overcome your self-confidence issues, learning to like yourself takes time, patience, and effort.

While it is possible that these issues are what's causing a lack of desire, keep in mind when moving forward the question "Do I desire sexual intimacy" So long as your answer remains no, respect yourself enough to respect that fact and don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing.

[urami]

I'm the other way around. I feel so isolated with all my "sexual friends" out there dating that I want to go on a date now too. Although with this level of sadness, I would still probably run far far away from intimate contact. I'll see what will happen if I get more psychologically damaged and keep you noted.

[Guest]

On 5/21/2017 at 2:53 AM, rowannah said:

Yeah, the main reason I'm still debating if I have shut myself off from it is because I have quite bad anxiety and something called vasovagal syncope which is actually fairly common. Basically if I get really stressed or anxious my body just nopes out and I faint. Because of that, I feel like I have this capability in me to stop things that make me feel anxious, like a built in defense. I don't know, I want to be asexual because sex freaks me tf out but I also don't want that because it makes my life so much more complicated. I would really like a romantic relationship but I would like it to happen naturally rather than online. And I feel like online is the only way to go when you're asexual.

The only tip I would give you is the same advice I gave myself when I was questioning myself and also happened to be going through serious depression. It's going to sound a bit cliche, so I apologize in advance for that: don't worry about it. All will fall into place in due time. I understand that when you're questioning and when you're also depressed, a lot of things don't make sense, but I can assure you that if you don't focus on it too much, the answers will come to you naturally. I know that seems very counter-intuitive and also doesn't seem to make much sense either, but that's how it kind of works. The more you think and agonize about it, the more confused you'll be and the more alienated you'll feel. I'm not trying to say that "what worked for me will work for you" or anything, since I know everyone is different and no two people can surely be helped through the same method and get the same results. I would recommend it though. I don't know, I just remember that from elementary school to high school I used to be hella depressed the entire time with my life because of some family stuff as well as also feeling alienated from other people and I would do stuff on purpose to try to feel like I was a part of them. But it's okay if you're not. I think that's perfectly okay.

 

You shouldn't need to worry too much about it. Just like... take your time with it. Don't worry about it. Oh, and if you feel so inclined, dabble in a few romantic relationships or romantic pursuits. I think that might help you further decide and help you realize what you identify as. I hope this all works out for you. And hey, if you ever wanna talk to someone about it if you feel hella confused, the entire community is here for you. Well, at least I am. You seem like a promising and cool person, at any rate.

[TessaMe]

@rowannah I sympathize and can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you growing up.  My personal journey is a little different, but I think you'll see some parallels that will hopefully help.

 

I had a medical condition that caused weight gain in my teen years and around high school/college I developed anxiety and depression.  I never had anyone pick on me about my weight, but I did have doctors who would constantly remind me of my weight and how I should work to loose it, and it did eat away at my self esteem.  I eventually got it under control and dropped a lot of the weight, but I'm still somewhat self conscious and being an emotional eater keeps the battle alive.  It took a long time to get over my aversion to having my photo taken, and clothes shopping still sometimes leads to a short quiet sob in the dressing room.  If I told someone I thought I was fat, they would tell me I'm nuts, but the fact is, that pain sticks with you.  Despite all of that, I don't think it's connected to my asexuality.  Even before I was so self conscious about my body or developed depression, my thoughts toward sex were "bleh" and I found it annoying that people were so obsessed with it, mostly because I couldn't understand why they were obsessed with it.  My thoughts are more often then not, "I have too many better things to do then waste my time with something like sex."  I remember being at a slumber party and lying about what guy I had a crush on because I seemed to be the only one who didn't think about that stuff (or cared) and "no one" apparently wasn't an acceptable answer.  If someone commented on how cute a guy was, my response was "I guess." Lol  If you really want to pinpoint "what you are," I'd say to look at your thoughts and behaviors when you're in a "normal" or good mood.

 

I'm also going to branch off of what FranciumSenpai said, and that's to try not to think about it so much.  Yes, it's easier said than done.  As a chronic over thinker, I understand sometimes you really just can't turn your brain off, and you've got to ride the wave.  But focusing on what does make you happiest really does help.  When I'm in my element and working on something I care about, it's like I haven't got a care in the world, and I actually feel like I know everything's going to fall into place and work out.  Listen to your feelings and just go with the flow.  If you think you want a romantic relationship, then yes, you have to put in the effort to meet people, but that in no way means you can't go about it at your own pace.  Whether you're asexual or not, it doesn't change the fact that you need to find someone who respects your feelings.  So welcome to AVEN.  I think you'll find the community very supportive, and hopefully you'll find the answers you're looking for.

[Q and A]

That sounds like a painful experience, and I wish you all the best in your journey to peace and self-acceptance.

 

As to your question, I do have some thoughts, and I hope you'll bear with me while I circle around to my point. ^^' A couple of weeks ago I had the strangest realization: not only are there people who fit their societally prescribed gender, romantic orientation, and sexual orientation - there are people who've never wondered why they're straight, or why they're cisgendered. They never felt the need to ask, "How did I get to be this way?" the way I was doing at the time of my realization, and the way you seem to be asking now.

 

There's a popular phrase around asexual communities:  "You are not broken." I didn't use to connect with it - you're only broken if you want to be "fixed," right? (And perhaps you do wish you were different, but that's a different conversation.) But it goes deeper than that. The idea of brokeness and/or alteration can become implicit. With so many of my ace and lgbtq+ friends, myself included, there's always a reason. There's always a sensory processing disorder, a traumatic experience, a food allergy that wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, a hesitance to label oneself until you're old enough to be "sure", a side effect from a medication, a mental abnormality, a prenatal hormonal imbalance in the womb, a discomfort with one's body or designated sex at birth...

 

So, might your childhood experiences have caused your asexuality? Maybe. Maybe not. What I would like to ask you is, does it matter? If you're certain you're asexual (and you certainly sound like you're on the spectrum) then why not focus on accepting yourself, overcoming any lingering body-image discontent, and building the meaningful relationships you desire?

 

I hope you find this helpful, and I wish you the best of luck.

[LittleGoody2Shoes]

I have had body image issues every since age 10 when I started to gain weight and start puberty. I think when I was a kid I had lots of crushes on boys and was hypersexual but not necessarily sexually active. I had some early sexual experiences before then. As I got older I lost interest in sex and it usually happens when I'm overweight and out of shape. My weight and level of physical fitness has varied over the years. I spent a lot of time eating due to stress and depression and a lot of time dieting and exercising in between. My size changes often. When you said you weight 150 pounds that's not that big for an adult. I am 5'2 and have weighed anywhere from 138 pounds- 210 since adulthood. I'm currently overweight but not my heaviest and working on loosing it. Sometimes I think my body image issues affect my sexuality.