New Wife, New Ace.

[grey.leaf]

Hey, y'all. This is my first time here, and I'm hoping I've chosen the right board for my question. So... I've known I'm ace for about a week. I thought I might be demisexual for a while before this, but as soon as some myths about asexuality were debunked for me, and I dug through the internet for an explanation of what sexual attraction feels like (um, there's your first clue), it hit me like a bolt of lightning. This is who I am. This explains SO much about my past -- much more than I can get into here.

[edit: this thing turned out kinda long, and i apologize -- it's just that i don't have anyone to talk to about this yet, and this new world is so big...]

The thing is, I got married almost 1 year ago. I thought at the time that I was heterosexual, if a little bi-curious. I knew I felt aesthetic attraction to both men and women, but only sensual attraction to men (although I conflated sensual with sexual since I didn't know anything different). My then boyfriend/fiance was always pushing for sexually-oriented encounters, and I went along because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I didn't like it, but I wanted to be fair to him. We didn't have intercourse until after we were married. We both grew up Christian (though a little more liberal than many), and since there's such a code of silence around sex in the Church, it never dawned on me that anyone else around me was experiencing sexual attraction and desire... I only realized in college that some of those high schoolers weren't exaggerating -- they actually wanted and had sex with each other! What?? It appears I was wearing blinders...

Anyway, things have been a little... strained... with my husband and I. He seems to want sex out of the blue! He is suddenly turned on for no good reason... He joked that I didn't know what sexy was, and I agreed -- we both assumed this was a quirk. I get frustrated that he wants sex so often, and he gets frustrated that I never initiate... I have explained that I just don't think about that, and have confessed that I don't find his body to be a turn on, and the poor guy has taken it all in stride, though I know it made him sad to hear it.

So, I mean, I'm okay with having sex. Once we're into it, I can even enjoy it. But I've never been able to fully engage my mind in any kind of sexual activity. And I never want it ahead of time -- I just play along as well as I can. I am deeply romantically attracted to my husband and often enough sensually attracted to him, but I know the lack of sexual chemistry is disappointing to him.

TL;DR : I got married to a sexual, discovered I was asexual, and now...

How do I tell him? How do I even start that conversation in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's inadequate or there's something wrong with me, or our future is doomed? How do we have discussions about compromise when I am still in a space of self-discovery and understanding? He took my watered-down description of what being a demi-girl is to me really well (basically: mostly woman -- but also something in between -- and I've always identified with many parts of traditional masculinity -- but don't worry, that's only a little little thing, honey). But I feel like this is something that both helps define our relationship and adds a layer of complication. But I don't want to live my life playing along -- I've spent enough time thinking I was problemed in this area, that I was failing my husband because I am broken -- I want something that makes us both happy.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Again, sorry for the rambling. I'll bake you a cake or something.

[Evergreen Faun]

Oh my! That is a lot to be dealing with! My husband and I just went through this, and are still dealing with it.  One day, I tactlessly blurted out that I thought I might be asexual.. I would recommend finding a more sensitive way of starting that conversation... *shurggs*

The best advice I can give you is: keep communication open between you and your husband, and only you and your husband can decide what is best for the both of you.  However you decide to set boundaries around sex, use toys, try and open relationship, whatever, you need to do what you believe is best for you and your husband.

That being said, welcome to AVEN!

[PynchMe]

Same. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. We started dating in high school and didn't have sex until we were engaged. We were pretty Christian at the time, so I get what you mean. I never totally got why there were so many freaking church youth group discussions about not sinning in your heart by wanting someone sexually or about how to live a day of your life without masturbating. I mean...these were not struggles I had. Everyone thought I was some kind of saint and yet I had no advice to give them with their struggles that I didn't totally believe were real because I didn't get it AT ALL.

 

As I've slowly begun to understanding myself over the past 2 months or so, I've also tried to sprinkle little drops of revelation on my husband because I know he's not the kind of person who handles monsoons well. I only actually joined AVEN a couple of days ago because I'd been lurking long enough and needed to get everything out there. The next day, I decided I should probably let my husband know I was embedding parts of my soul online and asked him to read what I wrote about him - and me. He did. And things are okay. I mean, he asked me if I have every actually found him attractive when he's naked. In my head, I thought...we'll that's complicated. I'm not even 100% sure what sexual attraction is. With my mouth I said, "Yes. I have found you beautiful when naked and taken physical pleasure in your body. I have desired sexual contact with you after looking at you." (These things are true.) "BUT you know I respond more after we've just had deeply intellectual/philosophical/emotional conversation." His response was that he gets that because we've already been through years of him trying to communicate love with me. A lot of people refer to this as figuring out your love language. He is highly responsive to touch. His motto is "A touch can mean so much." I am often repulsed by touch. Instead, I urge him to touch my mind and heart. Probe my eyes, not my pants...and then the pants bit may follow later.

 

So you might want to start with a sort of love-language style conversation. Make is clear that you never regret having sex with him, but it can be hard for you to get in mood for it as easily as he can. Make it clear that you don't think either one of you is broken or inadequate, just different, and that you think that the better you understand each other's differences, the better you'll start communicating. And by communicating, you mean all forms of communication, including sexual communication. Keep things positive. Own that this is an idea you had because you want things to be good, really, really good. My husband loves being right. I'm sure yours does, too. Humble yourself for this and he'll likely respond.

 

And, here's a cautionary tale: Don't, under any circumstances, watch the movie Blue Valentine together and then say at the end, "I totally get where she was coming from during that whole marital rape scene. Sometimes I feel that way." Yeah. Don't accuse your husband of rape. In fact, don't let it get to the point where you're so detached from sex with your husband that you would ever have these thoughts. Believe me when I say that no matter how much he'd like to have sex twice a day, he does NOT want for you to have sex against your will or better judgement. Trust me on this one.

[grey.leaf]

Thank you.