Uni and clubbing as an asexual= ANXIETY

[Guest]

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[Someone Else]

I certainly don't go clubbing, wouldn't even as a sexual.  It's an introvert thing, I guess.  I think you'll find that there are plenty of deeply introverted students who don't do it, they're just harder to see, because, well, they're quieter more likely.  

[Kelpie]

I usually don't go to clubs because I just don't like it so I can't really give you help here, sorry. The only times I went to clubs was because I graduated school and it was terrible and I was sexually harassed almost all the time. 

 

That said, I absolutely think you can still enjoy uni. I never went to any activities during the first week and I still made some friends. You'll still have classes where no one really knows each other and be able to connect to people through that. So if you don't want to do go to a club, don't. Maybe there are other activities (I think we also had some stuff where we were just shown around the city?) or you can just try to find people who aren't into partying either, there usually are some. I still liked my uni experience and made great friends! 

[Guest]

I love clubbing, and I don't drink at all, so yes it is perfectly possible for asexuals to have fun at clubs. I love dancing and am perfectly capable of fending off any men or women who come on to me, it just a matter of standing up for yourself and setting clear boundaries. That said, unless you are at a very small university you will be able to find other people who don't like clubbing to hang out with. My best friends at uni didn't club at all, we spent our time watching films and drinking tea, and I had a secondary group of friends who I went out clubbing with. Even in freshers week there are normally a variety of activities to help all the freshers make friends,  it's not pure clubbing, although if you want to build those initial bonds with your flat mates I would advise sucking it up and going along to some clubs in that first week or so. Talk to people on your course, join some societies, you'll find your place sooner or later. Also, if you haven't already arranged you place in halls you could talk to the accommodation organiser and see if there is a particular building which is less of a party hall, it often works out in unis that particular halls end up being one constant party while others are more quiet.

[Mermaidy]

clubbing pretty much IS a sexual thing.  not even all non asexual people like it.  it takes a specific personality.  tbh I would recommend getting new friends (ones that don't like clubbing).  a lot of kids in university like clubbing/partying though, so it'll probably be hard.  finding (good) friends in general is hard :/

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

I'm in uni. My uni has a huge hookup & party culture. I don't go clubbing,drink, or smoke. I still have friends (some of whom do go clubbing & to parties) & a social life without it. It's not necessary if you really don't want to do it then don't. Uni is the place not to give a f*ck because no one really cares if you go partying or not. The only worried about it are freshman who think it's mandatory or cool to party & drink (at least from what I've observed my first year). It's not. You & a group can still go out & find other things to do besides going to packed clubs & you really shouldn't feel pressured about it. 

And if you decide to go with friends then let it be because you want to.

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On 20/05/2017 at 9:48 PM, SimplyAce said:

I'm in uni. My uni has a huge hookup & party culture. I don't go clubbing,drink, or smoke. I still have friends (some of whom do go clubbing & to parties) & a social life without it. It's not necessary if you really don't want to do it then don't. Uni is the place not to give a f*ck because no one really cares if you go partying or not. The only worried about it are freshman who think it's mandatory or cool to party & drink (at least from what I've observed my first year). It's not. You & a group can still go out & find other things to do besides going to packed clubs & you really shouldn't feel pressured about it. 

And if you decide to go with friends then let it be because you want to.

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[Kelpie]

4 minutes ago, Mellyxoo said:

thank you, i'm glad to know freshers week isn't the only way to meet people, everyone was telling me it is, but they must be chatting nonsense. I hope i find people like this who aren't only limited to having fun by clubbing X 

Seriously, I think after the first three or four weeks no one talked about that anymore!  I've had some of my friends who did went to freshers week say something along the lines of "oh yeah this guy X... I went clubbing with him at the beginning but then.. nothing". So don't be discouraged.

[straightouttamordor]

I'm kinda going clubbing later tonight as an asexual. I don't exactly wear an Ace shirt and black ring when I go. Almost no one would understand those things anyway if I did. It's one of the neighborhood watering holes. Pool, dance floor, sports on t.v.s and an outdoor patio area. It's a place that people in my age range frequent, 40s thru 60s crowd. The college students jokingly refer to it as a "menapause" bar. A place of "Botox and Boner Pills". 

I list to the introvert side of persona. So why do I go ? Pure boredrom I suppose. There isn't an Ace club and entertainment district in my city. Dating sites are void of Asexual orientations. They may have an area for it but only one lady on it who hasn't logged in since 2011. Sitting at home on Saturday nights gets a bit lonesome. Most friends are married, the few single ones go to Go-Gos or dives that police drive slowly to when a call comes through.

I like to have a drink or two strictly as a social occasion. I hate hangovers. No eating the Tequilla worm for me. I enjoy darts or billiards or a football game. So I go sometimes. I  can dance some but I won't be on dancing with the stars. 

The music is from my generation mostly with a few newer numbers thrown in by the house band. So yes going to a bar or club is different for us. I just get weary of tapping on a phone or tablet.

[MoraDollie]

College is like high school in the sense that everyone finds their 'niche' on campus for who to hang out with. There's virtually no one who is actually "Friends with EVERYONE on campus". That's just impractical because of how much social activities do go on around campus, as well as personality clashes. You'll find your niche. I'm sure UK schools have student run clubs and the like. Find one you like, join, and hang out with those people. I joined my school's LGBT+ club and I made lifelong friends there  I graduated in 2016, so not long ago!

[An elven aro]

1 hour ago, Mellyxoo said:

I'm going to uni this year and i want to enjoy my experience of course. However all i can feel is anxiety. This is due to number of factors all of which relate back to my sexuality. Uni is a place where people find themselves and is a relationship and sex kind of environment, being asexual I feel like i wont be able to relate. I feel like I wont be able to go clubbing and this is a major part of uni life, so I feel like I wont be able to form proper friendships,as in the Uk we have freshers week where it is the first week of uni and is pure clubbing. This isn't helped by the fact that the type of people I become friends with are usually the clubbing types. I have been clubbing a few times before and absolutely hated it. It felt so forced and meaningless lol, and its mainly the fact that guys always try to come onto you, and people can be quite aggressive so you can't even ignore it. Before you say have a drink and get tipsy- i don't drink so this isn't even an option. I don't want to miss out on the fun experiences at uni, but I don't know what to do when the time comes. Is it even possible for asexuals to have fun at clubs?

I'm in pretty much the same situation - going to uni this year, nervous about being pressured to drink, go clubbing etc. But I plan on joining a lot of societies so I'm sure I'll make friends there, and my parents as well as older friends who've graduated are always saying that everyone finds their group and somewhere they fit in at university, that's pretty much what university's for! All the replies in this thread have helped me as well - I'm sure we'll be fine @Mellyxoo 

[Rhaenys]

 

I went clubbing in University. Let me tell you how it went.

I sat in the corner with the least amount of people and beat my Flappy Bird score twice (541 and 801 biyatches) cause that was my level of boredom while I waited for my friends.

 

You can't force friendships. It just happens and it's not guaranteed to happen at clubs or freshers. My group in Uni were the geeks who missed class to play Yu Gi Oh and if not for my "wild" friend I would have never met them so don't force yourself. You never know how stuff will turn out.

 

 

[JayDee1212]

I don't think it's THAT hard to find non-clubbing friends...I did! My friends like to go travelling, out to eat and dinner...not clubbing. Not really into heavy drinking either, so I got lucky.

Try to make friends in different ways; join clubs, talk to people in class, etc. Trust me, there are plenty of people just like you. I think the whole "clubbing every weekend" thing is played up in movies/TV anyway...most people I know don't go every single Saturday or anything. You'll have homework and jobs and classes, you wouldn't even be able to! After a while the whole staying up till 4 AM thing gets old when you have actual adult responsibilities lol.

 

And if you do want to go, go with a group of girls to dance and just have fun! If a boy starts being aggressive, tell him your not interested and stay in groups to avoid harassment. You should be fine though, don't let that scare you off if you want to have a good time. Nothing wrong with just going out with the girls and getting a drink!

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1 hour ago, Kumo said:

College is like high school in the sense that everyone finds their 'niche' on campus for who to hang out with. There's virtually no one who is actually "Friends with EVERYONE on campus". That's just impractical because of how much social activities do go on around campus, as well as personality clashes. You'll find your niche. I'm sure UK schools have student run clubs and the like. Find one you like, join, and hang out with those people. I joined my school's LGBT+ club and I made lifelong friends there  I graduated in 2016, so not long ago!

yeah im defos gonna join the lgbt club, i hope i'll meet asexuals too though!x

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38 minutes ago, JayDee1212 said:

I don't think it's THAT hard to find non-clubbing friends...I did! My friends like to go travelling, out to eat and dinner...not clubbing. Not really into heavy drinking either, so I got lucky.

Try to make friends in different ways; join clubs, talk to people in class, etc. Trust me, there are plenty of people just like you. I think the whole "clubbing every weekend" thing is played up in movies/TV anyway...most people I know don't go every single Saturday or anything. You'll have homework and jobs and classes, you wouldn't even be able to! After a while the whole staying up till 4 AM thing gets old when you have actual adult responsibilities lol.

 

And if you do want to go, go with a group of girls to dance and just have fun! If a boy starts being aggressive, tell him your not interested and stay in groups to avoid harassment. You should be fine though, don't let that scare you off if you want to have a good time. Nothing wrong with just going out with the girls and getting a drink!

i hope i meet people like this! and i would love to go just to dance, but i havent tried clubbing in big groups maybe this will alleviate the wierdos approaching us problem!x  

[Busrider]

3 hours ago, Mellyxoo said:

Is it even possible for asexuals to have fun at clubs?

I think so? - Sorry I am male and haven't been clubbing for 2 decades but on my campus they hosted sardine-can club events and I enjoyed my usually roadworthy sober self. People to watch, a crowd big enough to hide my less graceful movements and acceptable music. *shrugs* 

Dunno; I don't see much value in going clubbing while drunk. - I actually enjoyed the solitude in clubs. And if the atmosphere wasn't worth the entrance fee to sober me spending a fortune on drinks wouldn't have rescued the evening. 

I've never been a great dancer but able to enjoy myself on the floor. 

In doubt dig through your wardrobe for an old baggy sweater, grab a contrasting felt marker and write "No thank you!" on a modestly wavable part of it? - People at uni should be able to read. 

OTOH: Why not look for freshman events that you fancy more than clubbing?

I don't consider clubbing an ideal way to get to know people besides the weirdo with pickup line "*throat clearing* I am an upcoming young book author and currently working on a call book. - May I ask for your number?" - Better join quieter events. - There must be some.

 

[MoraDollie]

13 minutes ago, Busrider said:

I think so? - Sorry I am male and haven't been clubbing for 2 decades but on my campus they hosted sardine-can club events and I enjoyed my usually roadworthy sober self. People to watch, a crowd big enough to hide my less graceful movements and acceptable music. *shrugs* 

Dunno; I don't see much value in going clubbing while drunk. - I actually enjoyed the solitude in clubs. And if the atmosphere wasn't worth the entrance fee to sober me spending a fortune on drinks wouldn't have rescued the evening. 

I've never been a great dancer but able to enjoy myself on the floor. 

In doubt dig through your wardrobe for an old baggy sweater, grab a contrasting felt marker and write "No thank you!" on a modestly wavable part of it? - People at uni should be able to read. 

OTOH: Why not look for freshman events that you fancy more than clubbing?

I don't consider clubbing an ideal way to get to know people besides the weirdo with pickup line "*throat clearing* I am an upcoming young book author and currently working on a call book. - May I ask for your number?" - Better join quieter events. - There must be some.

 

Yes, it is :3 I've been clubbing in both Italy and America. For me, it's about dancing. Enjoying the beats of the music and feeling the rhythm pulse throughout your body. Of the many times I have gone clubbing, there's only been 2-3 instances of "HEY, NOT OK". 'Course I'm kinda paranoid in the sense that I NEVER, EVER drink from club bars because of the 'secret drugs' people have tried putting in drinks >-> But that's just me. I ALWAYS have a bottle of water on me in these situations and I normally bring an over-the-shoulder pouch that's a dark color and hide it in the shadows of the club (like in the corner of a booth that's touching the wall) so people wouldn't even think that there's something in said corner.

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Mellyxoo said:

i hope i meet people like this! and i would love to go just to dance, but i havent tried clubbing in big groups maybe this will alleviate the wierdos approaching us problem!x  

If you do try going clubbing with a big group have a chat with the other girls beforehand and find a couple who don't intend to get wasted to make a mutual protection pact with. I find the the biggest problem in clubs is the guys who think that a good way to ask you to dance is to just grab you without asking, but dancing in a circle with other girls you can keep an eye out for each other and run interference when you see idiots approaching. Also always go to the bar and toilet in pairs, and don't be afraid to use your elbows if anyone gets handsy.

 

If in freshers week you are finding it difficult to find people who aren't into the clubbing scene, you could take the initiative to make your own little event, snacks and a movie in your flat or something, if you talk to the higher year students that organise everything and watch over the halls (can't remember what hey're called) they will no doubt be happy to help you spread the word. You can be sure that there will be other people out there somewhere who feel the same as you and want nothing more than to find a group of like-minded individuals to hang out with while their flatmates get drunk.

[Luftschlosseule]

14 hours ago, Mellyxoo said:

 I feel like I wont be able to go clubbing and this is a major part of uni life, [...]

Nah. You only think that because the people who do go clubbing are those people that are more loud, so you happen to find their opinion everywhere.
I don't know if it's your cup of tea, but I found that a nice way to find friends who might enjoy clubbing but also enjoy a quiet evening at home is to look for game-evenings, either video games, or card games, whatever.

 

Introverts are everywhere, even at university.

[Laplace]

I'm someone who doesn't like excessive noise, dancing, chatting with strangers, dating, drinking, doing drugs, etc. so I really didn't mesh with college culture very well. I'd always refuse to go to (strip) clubs or loud, crowded parties cause it'd honestly just annoy me and make me feel uncomfortable and out of place. I went to UCSB which has a big social/party culture to the point of excess sometimes (people die every year cause of some idiots doing stupid things). I never really fit in at university which kinda sucked but at the same time, I really didn't care that much. I've always been the odd one out so it doesn't bother me much anymore.

[FredT]

I don't go out in bars and clubs often because of the overwhelming athmosphere in there and all those people who assume that as soon as you step in, you automatically become a part of the general allosexual social experiment where it is somewhat implied that you are sexually active and are looking to eventually fullfil this ''need''. I don,t know if it's just me, but this is what I really feel like when going into clubs and I find those places to be very incomfortable environments for me. 

And so, whenever I have to go, I make sure to talk to at least one good friend who's coming with me and make them agree that if it's too much or I'm uncomfortable, we can get out and go for a walk or something. 

 

I find it very helpful to know that someone is there and knows what you might be goinf through.  

[Janus the Fox]

I found uni to never really feel to be a place to go crazy with the clubbing lifestyle.  All I was interested in was putting full focus into the degree and only that.  But I know a uni nightlife can be a breeding ground for experimentation, certainly of a sexual nature.  What happens at uni, stays at uni I suppose.

[EggplantWitch]

On 5/20/2017 at 9:26 PM, Mellyxoo said:

I'm going to uni this year and i want to enjoy my experience of course. However all i can feel is anxiety. This is due to number of factors all of which relate back to my sexuality. Uni is a place where people find themselves and is a relationship and sex kind of environment, being asexual I feel like i wont be able to relate. I feel like I wont be able to go clubbing and this is a major part of uni life, so I feel like I wont be able to form proper friendships,as in the Uk we have freshers week where it is the first week of uni and is pure clubbing. This isn't helped by the fact that the type of people I become friends with are usually the clubbing types. I have been clubbing a few times before and absolutely hated it. It felt so forced and meaningless lol, and its mainly the fact that guys always try to come onto you, and people can be quite aggressive so you can't even ignore it. Before you say have a drink and get tipsy- i don't drink so this isn't even an option. I don't want to miss out on the fun experiences at uni, but I don't know what to do when the time comes. Is it even possible for asexuals to have fun at clubs?

I dropped out at the end of my first year due to... well, anxiety, so maybe I'm not the best person to be giving advice, but here goes.

 

If you don't have fun at clubs - if you hate being hit on, if you hate drinking, if you hate the noise- then don't go to clubs. If you usually make friends with people who go clubbing say 'thanks but not my thing' if they ask and suggest other stuff you could do later (you can tell me what happened over lunch, when we're studying together, watching a movie, etc).

 

If you're like me then Fresher's Week will be hell, there's no way to sugar coat it. I was so stressed I was physically ill, but the good news is it's ONE WEEK out of DOZENS. How well do you think those clubbers are really going to get to know their 'friends' anyway when they're all smashed out of their minds? At my uni some societies had events during the week too and I had a good time at those (when I wasn't ill). You can avoid sex if you find the right societies. I was part of the Medieval Recreation and the Boardgames club for example, not a whole lot of sex going on there lol. There are so many societies at uni there will be one you'll enjoy being part of (unless your uni is a really tiny shitty one)

 

It took me a while to make friends I admit, but I did make them, and I made them in my own time without unecessary stress or worry by trying to force friendship doing stuff I hated. I never had to touch a bottle of alcohol or step within 50 feet of a club door. I just said hi to people I sat next to in lectures, or walked with them out from seminars and things happened naturally from there. If I can do it then so can you - good luck.

[SweetieBot]

University is more than partying/clubbing (speaking as someone who just finished her 7th year of university - 5 years undergraduate, 2 years law school) and you can definitely make friends without doing that stuff. Considering you've said you've tried the clubbing thing before and hated it this seems unlikely to change. It is possible for aces to enjoy clubbing as at least one person above has attested, but it sounds like you personally don't enjoy it.

 

Unless you go to a really small university there will likely be enough diversity of students and activities that clubbing will only be one of many things people do. I think I've gone to a club... twice in all of my post-secondary schooling. Once was when I was at a Model UN conference and we rented the club out and the second time was during orientation for law school (and again we rented it out). It's not something that appeals to me, but I definitely still have lots of friends. You just have to find your people.