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RealMessedUp

The More Sexual I Am With My Girlfriend The More Suicidal I Am - TW Sexual abuse and suicidal content

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RealMessedUp   
RealMessedUp

I'm sex repulsed, and my girlfriend is a transgender woman so she has a penis. 

 

To to give you background history, I am both mentally ill (PTSD - molested multiple times) and sex repulsed. My girlfriend knew I was sex repulsed (would it be considered sex-traumatized? because the thought of sex is a trigger and I often have panic attacks or suicide attempts based around thinking I need to have sex in order to be loved) from the start of the relationship, so she knew what she was getting into.

 

We had sex one time. It didn't feel anything, but when it did feel like something it was painful and unpleasant. I was re-traumatized and lost a huge amount of trust for my girlfriend. I cried and shook, and I thought that'd be the last of it. 

 

I've been letting her touch me once or twice a week and even though I've been having suicidal thoughts, I've learnt to dissociate or become numb during sexual activity. I've been letting her do whatever once or twice a week and it's been okay but then she told me that we need to start doing it more often. 

 

She started ignoring me whenever I'm suicidal or having a panic attack, only to start talking to me again if I let her do sexual things to me. She's becoming less romantic and more sexual and it's scaring me. She cheated on me a couple of times too, not physically but through text. 

 

My problem is: if I keep becoming more sexual then I might end up killing myself. If I ask if we can be less sexual, she will break up with me and I'll kill myself. I feel like there's no way out of this other than suicide. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

 

------

 

Also, I don't have friends or a supportive family to go to if I break up with her. My girlfriend has always encouraged me to get friends but not many people like me and I'm awkward to be around. It's fine if I don't have friends but if I break up with my girlfriend then I will be left with nothing. 

Edited by RealMessedUp
Some people mentioned calling a friend, so I thought I should clarify that I don't have any

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ItWasNiceKnowingYou   
ItWasNiceKnowingYou
23 minutes ago, RealMessedUp said:

I'm sex repulsed, and my girlfriend is a transgender woman so she has a penis. 

 

To to give you background history, I am both mentally ill (PTSD - molested multiple times) and sex repulsed. My girlfriend knew I was sex repulsed (would it be considered sex-traumatized? because the thought of sex is a trigger and I often have panic attacks or suicide attempts based around thinking I need to have sex in order to be loved) from the start of the relationship, so she knew what she was getting into.

 

We had sex one time. It didn't feel anything, but when it did feel like something it was painful and unpleasant. I was re-traumatized and lost a huge amount of trust for my girlfriend. I cried and shook, and I thought that'd be the last of it. 

 

I've been letting her touch me once or twice a week and even though I've been having suicidal thoughts, I've learnt to dissociate or become numb during sexual activity. I've been letting her do whatever once or twice a week and it's been okay but then she told me that we need to start doing it more often. 

 

She started ignoring me whenever I'm suicidal or having a panic attack, only to start talking to me again if I let her do sexual things to me. She's becoming less romantic and more sexual and it's scaring me. She cheated on me a couple of times too, not physically but through text. 

 

My problem is: if I keep becoming more sexual then I might end up killing myself. If I ask if we can be less sexual, she will break up with me and I'll kill myself. I feel like there's no way out of this other than suicide. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

In all honesty? This relationship is not sounding healthy in any sense of the word. If she can't respect your boundaries & you trying to make her happy hurts you this much, then why stay?

Really. Your mental health is not worth all this pain it is causing you. Also it sounds like your partner has some issues to deal with as well because emotional blackmailing is not a good sign.

 

Long story short, neither of you sound happy in this relationship & it's not working out with the compromising you're already trying to do.

The best idea at this point may be to leave. Or not be in a relationship /take a serious break from it so you both can get yourselves together. I don't want you to kill yourself.... I really really don't. .  but you are suffering even more unnecessary pain by staying in the situation you are in. There are plenty of other people who can respect you & love you unconditionally especially considering the scarring pain you've been through.

I can't say i've been in your shoes completely (i am sex repulsed but because i don't do relationships) ,but i have close friends that have been in very similar predicaments. This is not good. Do you have a therapist or doctor to talk to as well? I've found mine to be helpful when it comes to the persistent active/passive suicidal thoughts i have on the regular.

 

Best of luck Love :wub: * hugs* And please be safe. Call someone, a hotline, 911, ANYTHING TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE PLEASE

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Serran   
Serran

First off, I am sorry about what happened to you. No one deserves to be mistreated as you have been.

 

As for your relationship... I know you probably love her and the idea of not having her is scary. But, it doesn't sound like she respects you. Or cares much about how much she is hurting you. And you don't deserve to be treated that way. 

 

I was in a relationship with someone and they knew about my sexual abuse past. However, that didn't stop them from continuing with things after being told no, or to stop, or me being obviously not into it and basically going "Fine, get it over with". It took me a while to get away from it, but I did and was able to find someone who actually respects me. No means no and you being hurt means nothing sexual should be happening, period. 

 

Your mental health is important and this relationship does not sound like it's a very healthy one for helping you get better. Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend, a doctor, a therapist?

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Shieldmaiden WinterDragon   
Shieldmaiden WinterDragon

It seems that your partner is not respecting you, overall you should put yourself first. Call the hotline for help and find someone to talk to. I hope things get better soon, good luck. 

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Anthracite_Impreza   
Anthracite_Impreza

You need to get out of there, her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

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Jenna444   
Jenna444

I agree with what everyone else has said...please know you're worth so much more than this. You deserve respect and consideration. You deserve to be treated with kindness. Please find the strength to rise up and leave the relationship. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but you will heal and be much better off. You're highly valuable and worthwhile, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. 💖

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Kai99   
Kai99

She is acting very selfish. It is terrible that she is withholding affection unless you let her do sexual things to you, despite your negative reaction. Most people would be unsettled if their actions cause their partner such pain. She might just be overly use to your reactions, but still. That is not good at all.

 

It is obvious you love her though and want to keep her, but I'm sorry to say that this relationship may be too incompatible. She can't live without sex and you can't stand to do anything sexual. It is unfair to you both. Even opening the relationship where she gets sex from improved strangers by you, would probably be too emotionally damaging for you to take, and she might just fall for one of her partners. Such things require commitment and I don't think she is capable of that since she was already caught cheating emotionally. It will only cause more pain.

 

Please, you are worth more than this relationship. There is a lot of darkness in life but there is also a lot of good. Call the hotline, call someone close, don't keep your feelings hidden, and above all, don't give up.

 

 

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Philip027   
Philip027

This person sounds like a loser.  Do you think that someone that really cared for you would want you to relive something traumatic over and over?

 

You can do better.

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RealMessedUp   
RealMessedUp
6 hours ago, Serran said:

First off, I am sorry about what happened to you. No one deserves to be mistreated as you have been.

 

As for your relationship... I know you probably love her and the idea of not having her is scary. But, it doesn't sound like she respects you. Or cares much about how much she is hurting you. And you don't deserve to be treated that way. 

 

I was in a relationship with someone and they knew about my sexual abuse past. However, that didn't stop them from continuing with things after being told no, or to stop, or me being obviously not into it and basically going "Fine, get it over with". It took me a while to get away from it, but I did and was able to find someone who actually respects me. No means no and you being hurt means nothing sexual should be happening, period. 

 

Your mental health is important and this relationship does not sound like it's a very healthy one for helping you get better. Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend, a doctor, a therapist?

I have a therapist, though she tells me it's healthy for me to let my partner do sexual things to me considering sex is an important part of a relationship for some people.

 

My partner does not do sexual things to me when I say no, but she becomes stressed in her daily life if I don't let her. Most of my other relationships have been very intensely sexually abusive or emotionally abusive, and although the things my partner does are questionable she isn't nearly as bad as my past partners. 

 

I feel as if my mental health isn't as important as this relationship, I'm flattered that you'd say that though. I'm not very good at making friends so I don't have any to contact. I'd prefer if I didn't break up with my partner.

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Serran   
Serran
4 minutes ago, RealMessedUp said:

I have a therapist, though she tells me it's healthy for me to let my partner do sexual things to me considering sex is an important part of a relationship for some people.

 

 

Might I suggest speaking to a therapist that has more experience with sexual abuse cases? Even if you were sexual, it would not be healthy to have sex forced on you when you didn't really want it. Or weren't ready for it. And it was causing you distress. Sex can be a perfectly healthy thing between two consenting adults, when they both enjoy it. And, if you were sexual and just had trauma issues (which, that's up to you to decide, not your therapist) then it might be worth trying to work through it to be comfortable. But, at no point would it be OK to just force yourself no matter how bad it feels, cause it's "normal". And if your therapist is saying that, then it is probably worth getting a second opinion.

 

11 minutes ago, RealMessedUp said:

My partner does not do sexual things to me when I say no, but she becomes stressed in her daily life if I don't let her. Most of my other relationships have been very intensely sexually abusive or emotionally abusive, and although the things my partner does are questionable she isn't nearly as bad as my past partners. 

 

I feel as if my mental health isn't as important as this relationship, I'm flattered that you'd say that though. I'm not very good at making friends so I don't have any to contact. I'd prefer if I didn't break up with my partner.

Just because she's not as bad as your past partners, doesn't mean it's OK. She's allowed to not like being celibate, but that shouldn't mean she's OK hurting you to make herself feel better. I could and never would hurt my partner because they weren't giving me what I wanted. Their feelings are as important as my own and I am in charge of my own needs, not them. And I wish your partner respected you in that way. :(

 

It's fine if you don't want to break up. But, could you talk to her and let her know that your mental health is suffering due to the sexual stress? Maybe you could at least cut out some stuff that hurts the most? I really want you to take care of yourself. Sacrificing your own mental well being for someone is not good. You deserve so much more than that. 

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Philip027   
Philip027
Quote

I have a therapist, though she tells me it's healthy for me to let my partner do sexual things to me considering sex is an important part of a relationship for some people.

Your therapist sounds like a loser too.  Assuming you've told her that it's something traumatizing to you, that should not be a trained professional's response to the situation.

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Anthracite_Impreza   
Anthracite_Impreza

No therapist should be telling you to just 'let' someone have their way with you, that's not going to help matters at all. Your partner and therapist are both acting unreasonably (and in your partner's case, downright cruel); leave before you end up even more traumatised.

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Just Me, Myself and...Zie?   
Just Me, Myself and...Zie?

Your partner's exploiting you- no, she's practically emotionally blackmailing you because you don't seem to have anyone to turn to. What would her reaction be if she saw this post? If you think there's any chance your relationship could be salvaged, then you need to talk face-to-face about this. But if she's sexual and can't cope with a monogamous non-sexual relationship, then the two of you don't seem too compatible. Good luck with all.

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Lara Black   
Lara Black

Hello, RealMessedUp.

It seems that you’re once again in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical – it’s more than enough to emotionally manipulate one’s partner into a near suicidal state for a relationship to be considered abusive.

The problem is (seems to be) that this is the only kind of relationships you know so you can’t really evaluate what healthy relationships feel like – can’t tell the difference. Furthermore, your therapist seems to be a good accomplice in arranging an abusive relationship for you. We choose our therapists and partners. We have some complex inner reasons to make each choice.

Only you can change your life. If you really want, you can find a new therapist and a new partner. It’s going to be hard as hell, but it’s possible, and no one else can do that for you. The way your life is now, you are really coming closer and closer to suicide, and it’s not going to get better on its own.

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ItWasNiceKnowingYou   
ItWasNiceKnowingYou
On 5/19/2017 at 10:58 PM, RealMessedUp said:

I have a therapist, though she tells me it's healthy for me to let my partner do sexual things to me considering sex is an important part of a relationship for some people.

 

My partner does not do sexual things to me when I say no, but she becomes stressed in her daily life if I don't let her. Most of my other relationships have been very intensely sexually abusive or emotionally abusive, and although the things my partner does are questionable she isn't nearly as bad as my past partners. 

 

I feel as if my mental health isn't as important as this relationship, I'm flattered that you'd say that though. I'm not very good at making friends so I don't have any to contact. I'd prefer if I didn't break up with my partner.

Some people does not mean all people. You constantly getting hurt & having to relive traumatic past experiences & being emotionally,psychologically,& sexually abused by your partner is in no way healthy!! Not at all!! :(

 

Her not being "as bad" does not make what she is doing to you any less harmful than your past relationships. 

 

I know you don't want to leave your partner,but sweetheart you are in danger. This relationship is just repeating your past hurt and it is hurting no one but you & your health. Your mental health IS important. More important than staying just to continue suffering.

 

You can do & deserve so much better than this. This is not ok in any way, shape, or form. :'(

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Sally   
Sally
On 5/19/2017 at 7:58 PM, RealMessedUp said:

I have a therapist, though she tells me it's healthy for me to let my partner do sexual things to me considering sex is an important part of a relationship for some people.

 

My partner does not do sexual things to me when I say no, but she becomes stressed in her daily life if I don't let her. Most of my other relationships have been very intensely sexually abusive or emotionally abusive, and although the things my partner does are questionable she isn't nearly as bad as my past partners. 

 

I feel as if my mental health isn't as important as this relationship, I'm flattered that you'd say that though. I'm not very good at making friends so I don't have any to contact. I'd prefer if I didn't break up with my partner.

Your therapist apparently doesn't understand that it is not healthy for YOU to engage in a sexual relationship.  You are just as important as your partner.

 

Of course you'd prefer that you didn't break up with your partner.   A break up is no fun for anyone, especially when you care about them, and about the relationship.  But you seem to care about your partner but not yourself.  That isn't healthy, and that's something to work on, possibly with a different therapist, one who recognizes that.  Please think about that.  We are not  flattering your; we sincerely believe that you are important.  

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet   
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet
On 5/19/2017 at 4:29 PM, RealMessedUp said:

I'm sex repulsed, and my girlfriend is a transgender woman so she has a penis. 

 

To to give you background history, I am both mentally ill (PTSD - molested multiple times) and sex repulsed. My girlfriend knew I was sex repulsed (would it be considered sex-traumatized? because the thought of sex is a trigger and I often have panic attacks or suicide attempts based around thinking I need to have sex in order to be loved) from the start of the relationship, so she knew what she was getting into.

 

We had sex one time. It didn't feel anything, but when it did feel like something it was painful and unpleasant. I was re-traumatized and lost a huge amount of trust for my girlfriend. I cried and shook, and I thought that'd be the last of it. 

 

I've been letting her touch me once or twice a week and even though I've been having suicidal thoughts, I've learnt to dissociate or become numb during sexual activity. I've been letting her do whatever once or twice a week and it's been okay but then she told me that we need to start doing it more often. 

 

She started ignoring me whenever I'm suicidal or having a panic attack, only to start talking to me again if I let her do sexual things to me. She's becoming less romantic and more sexual and it's scaring me. She cheated on me a couple of times too, not physically but through text. 

 

My problem is: if I keep becoming more sexual then I might end up killing myself. If I ask if we can be less sexual, she will break up with me and I'll kill myself. I feel like there's no way out of this other than suicide. 

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

 

------

 

Also, I don't have friends or a supportive family to go to if I break up with her. My girlfriend has always encouraged me to get friends but not many people like me and I'm awkward to be around. It's fine if I don't have friends but if I break up with my girlfriend then I will be left with nothing. 

Leave this relationship. This relationship is abusive. This relationship is not healthy. Your partner's behavior is unacceptable. Your mental well-being is important. It is cruel how your partner is acting. You deserve better. Much better.  Here is a hotline that may help you:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Simplyace is right. You are  in danger. The longer you stay with this person,the worse things will get.  Please stay safe.

 

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Rhaenys   
Rhaenys
On 2017-5-19 at 4:29 PM, RealMessedUp said:

I'm sex repulsed, and my girlfriend is a transgender woman so she has a penis. 

 

To to give you background history, I am both mentally ill (PTSD - molested multiple times) and sex repulsed. My girlfriend knew I was sex repulsed (would it be considered sex-traumatized? because the thought of sex is a trigger and I often have panic attacks or suicide attempts based around thinking I need to have sex in order to be loved) from the start of the relationship, so she knew what she was getting into.

 

We had sex one time. It didn't feel anything, but when it did feel like something it was painful and unpleasant. I was re-traumatized and lost a huge amount of trust for my girlfriend. I cried and shook, and I thought that'd be the last of it. 

 

I've been letting her touch me once or twice a week and even though I've been having suicidal thoughts, I've learnt to dissociate or become numb during sexual activity. I've been letting her do whatever once or twice a week and it's been okay but then she told me that we need to start doing it more often. 

 

She started ignoring me whenever I'm suicidal or having a panic attack, only to start talking to me again if I let her do sexual things to me. She's becoming less romantic and more sexual and it's scaring me. She cheated on me a couple of times too, not physically but through text. 

 

My problem is: if I keep becoming more sexual then I might end up killing myself. If I ask if we can be less sexual, she will break up with me and I'll kill myself. I feel like there's no way out of this other than suicide. 

 

The parts I bolded are red flags for abuse. Your relationship is unhealthy and it is not doing you good. You're not supposed to be scared of your partner. She is already blackmailing you emotionally and she cheated on you. She doesn't deserve you. Your mental health is important and you are important.

 

You say that your mental health isn't important as the relationship but if you do the things she wants, you aren't happy. So you are still suffering either way.

 

About breaking up. Sweetie, she is not worth your life. If anything she's the last person you should leave this place because of. I've tried to commit suicide many times, my last attempt was in 2013 because of an ex. While I was in hospital, she moved on. Here I was fked up while she was happy and that made me pull myself from the brink. Something she told me was "I'm not gonna drown myself in negativity because of you." Like you I had no one. My family never knew even up to this day they don't. I started focusing on activities I liked and used it as a distraction. I started posting creative stuff on my social media and that got me some friends. Friends is something you can't force it just happens. I never had much friends because I was quiet and awkward plus I lived isolated from other people.

 

I don't mean to bore you with my story but I want to you know you're not alone.

 

Call the hotline, change your therapist, talk to her about the stress she is causing. It's hard to remember but you deserve good things in this life.

 

 

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WünderBâhr   
WünderBâhr
On 5/19/2017 at 4:29 PM, RealMessedUp said:

I am both mentally ill (PTSD - molested multiple times) and sex repulsed.

 

The thought of sex is a trigger and I often have panic attacks or suicide attempts based around thinking I need to have sex in order to be loved.

 

We had sex one time.

I was re-traumatized and lost a huge amount of trust for my girlfriend.

I thought that'd be the last of it. 

 

I've learnt to dissociate or become numb during sexual activity.

 

She started ignoring me whenever I'm suicidal or having a panic attack, only to start talking to me again if I let her do sexual things to me.

She cheated on me a couple of times too, not physically but through text. 

 

If I keep becoming more sexual then I might end up killing myself.

If I ask if we can be less sexual, she will break up with me and I'll kill myself.

I feel like there's no way out of this other than suicide. 

 

I don't have friends or a supportive family to go to if I break up with her.

if I break up with my girlfriend then I will be left with nothing. 

 

I cut out some of the bits to highlight what read as problematic to me.

 

It sounds like you're not there, yet, in understanding what is and isn't a healthy, stable sex life for you, regardless of whether or not it was happening with your girlfriend. Just the idea that you think you need to have sex in order to be loved becomes an obstacle in healing from past trauma, because it presents your body, your will and the intimacy needed for sex as sacrifices and ultimatums, rather than ways to mutually connect with your partner.

 

Is your therapist aware of the emotional problems tied to sex between you and your girlfriend? Even as a passing suggestion to help you develop your relationship and/or comfort zone, it seems a bit reckless for her not to ask about the reasons why sex is an issue. That is, unless she assumes it is from past trauma, alone...which is still...reckless and a bit sloppy, imo.

 

Some questions:

 

-When you hear "healthy sex life", what comes to mind?

 

You mentioned that she ignores you when you are experiencing crises, but not when you are sexual, together.

-How is the relationship when none of those things apply (you're somewhat stable and both of you aren't being sexual)?

-Do you two have moments, together, when those things aren't overwhelming you?

 

You also mentioned cheating. Even in text-based form, people can feel betrayed if their partners become emotionally intimate with someone else, despite being in a committed, monogamous relationship. Mentioning it seems like it is something you are not happy with.

-Have you two discussed that?

-What was her response?

-Do you feel less overwhelmed or hurt by the cheating than the idea of being sexually intimate?

-If yes, do you think this ties into the idea that sex = being loved?

 

-What would be an ideal relationship, to/for you?

-What does she provide that makes you feel dying is a better option without her?

-If you did have friends to turn to, would that change or help consider changing your outlook on your relationship?

 

Okay.. That turned into a lot of questions. More than I expected, anyway. You dont have to answer yhem, but those are ones that came to mind. I think, maybe, they'd be good questions for you to ponder for a bit... They could help focus your perspective on things that people are concerned about on your behalf, in this thread. Ultimately, your safety is important but it is also your life. I hope our responses haven't added to your stress. 

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Nila24   
Nila24

I advise you to end this relationship. Both are sick. She is practically raping you and you are so mentally fragile that you are unable to stop her. If you don’t need sex and you don’t like it, don’t ever do it. There are more important things in life that you should work on. First, overcome depression and learn to love yourself. But it all depends on you.

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DesiButters519x   
DesiButters519x

Both your therapist and girlfriend sound horrible tbh... tbh my darling I think you should not only find yourself another therapist, but someone actually WORTHY to be your girlfriend. You deserve to be treated with RESPECT, not like some kind of rag doll. This isn't fair to you, and you don't deserve it at all. I know you say you don't have anyone... and that you only have her, but it doesn't mean you have to resort to her abusing you just to have someone. You are golden, beautiful and deserve to be treated as such. Please, try to go out more, seek better help and leave that relationship. Normally, I am not the type to tell people what to do, because it's not my right, and even though I don't know you personally, I care for your well being. You need to be in a stable, safe place, and you deserve to feel peace and tranquility. Please, don't belittle yourself anymore, you really don't deserve this, you seem like such a sweet person my dear, and overall no one deserves to be treated as if they were some doll. You can find beautiful things in life, you just need to learn how to get up and try and above all love yourself. (I am speaking from experience... I mean we both have different stories but I can relate) Pretty please stay safe, and keep us updated if you can.

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